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My XABF's family tried an unsuccessful intervention this weekend

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My XABF's family tried an unsuccessful intervention this weekend

Old 02-07-2011, 09:13 AM
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My XABF's family tried an unsuccessful intervention this weekend

My ex's family brother and his brother's wife came down to have a small intervention this weekend and was unsuccessful. I really didn't have much hopes for it because they toned it down to a "talk" instead of an intervention. The brother got scared. My ex said he didn't have a problem and didn't want to talk about it. So the brother gave up.

They went to his yearly blastout superbowl party. They told me that one of his barfly women was there that we used to fight about all the time. She was always texting him wanting him to meet for drinks. (Why do I care but it still bothers me and I wouldn't be surprised if he is finally dating her or something even though he felt he was out of her league.)

They said they saw all the drinking and how bad it was. They didn't have to tell me details, I asked. Curiosity killed the cat.

I don't know why I care. This man was horrible to me. It still hurts I guess.

I'm wondering if maybe I should find an abuse survivor's support group. I just feel pain. I feel like this person bullied me, abused me, took my money, held me hostage babysitter and the party just goes on....
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Old 02-07-2011, 09:23 AM
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(Why do I care but it still bothers me and I wouldn't be surprised if he is finally dating her or something even though he felt he was out of her league.)
leagues will become lower, the standards will become lower, the drinks will get cheaper, and everything will slide slowly but inevitably into a very bad place.

goldengirl,
maybe you should get to that survivors group. find a group of people who have survived and learn what they did. you are still stinging from this, and you need something to redirect you.

no more pain for you girl.

Beth
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Old 02-07-2011, 09:32 AM
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I know I do. I can't stand it. On the outside I know I looked reserved but on the inside I feel like crap.

I feel like the garbage that got took out.
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Old 02-07-2011, 09:49 AM
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Golden if you don’t mind me asking, how long has it been that you and the ex are apart?

I think I need a support group for ex’s of addicts because I’m not “feeling” any kind of support from my “normal” friends – all they say is just get over it and move on. I’m not finding a lot of support in my al-anon group as they are all either still married or doing everything possible to hold the relationship together. I guess I kind of rain on there parade of hope now that I’ve shared that my relationship is over.

In my area all there are is death support groups. – that’s how I feel like a death has happened but I don’t even fit into that group!

It’s been 3 months since I moved out and 7 weeks of no contact. My ex is in recovery and working a program AGAIN but none of that matters anymore, so much damage has been done, the same damage over and over again that I think he knows it’s for the best for both of us. I guess I am past my angry stage and hitting the overwhelming sadness. These past 3 or 4 days I’ve been doing nothing but crying at the drop of a hat. Just wish I had someone in real life who understands what I am going through and how I feel!
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Old 02-07-2011, 09:51 AM
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Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
I know I do. I can't stand it. On the outside I know I looked reserved but on the inside I feel like crap.

I feel like the garbage that got took out.
I seem to remember from some of your other posts, that you are basically a rational person, and you want answers.
I am like that too.

When I first got sober, I loved AA it really got me going with the group and all.
but later, I started to explore other therapies and ways to deal with depression and alcoholism.

now to my point, finally.
have you ever read about or tried rational emotive therapy?
I found it extremely helpful to fight off those depressing repetitive thoughts.
I had to question my feelings that were most likely based on beliefs that werent true.

maybe you can take a look at the webpage, it might be called rational emotive behavioral therapy. by robert ellis.

Beth
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Old 02-07-2011, 09:55 AM
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atalose,

you are grieving. you are grieving the loss of your relationship and the hope you had.
when my ex would disappear for days, i would wish him dead just to end the pain and sickness of worry, and then swinging back to rage and violent thoughts.

listen, you got to be real tough to hang in there, i know. grieve your loss. you have earned that right.

Beth
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Old 02-07-2011, 09:59 AM
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I've found it easier to get over someone if I don't know anything about what's going on with them. No contact includes getting information about that person through others. What they are doing, who they are doing it with, etc. won't bother you if you don't know about it.
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Old 02-07-2011, 10:06 AM
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Goldengirl-I know how you feel. I was verbally abused, cheated on, bullied, objectified, etc by my ex as well. We have only been separated for a short while now, but I am still feeling the pain of all that. Just because someone is out of your life, doesnt mean that the pain goes away. My self-esteem is so low from him and its probably going to take a long time to forget about all the bad things that were done and said to me. I feel for you. I guess what is getting me through is that I keep thinking that at least he's someone else's problem now and he is putting someone else through all the insanity that he put me through. Then I dont feel so bad because he always blamed me for why he was so miserable and why he drank....whats his excuse now....he's probably worse off now because he is still drinking but doesnt have his punching bag anymore (me)

My ex would also threaten to leave me when we were together for women that were more fun and liked to drink more than me. But you know what, that doesnt work either. You cant base a relationship off of alcohol and could you imagine two people in a room together drunk quacking at each other? Its bad enough with one drunk person in a relationship...I could never imagine the chaos with two drunk people.
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Old 02-07-2011, 10:32 AM
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I would suggest checking out your locale Domestic Violence Centers where you live.

Most DV centers today offer all kinds of support including counseling and groups.

Verbal, mental and emotional abuse can be worse than physical abuse, and most DV centers recognize that today.

Just a thought.

Love and hugs,
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Old 02-07-2011, 11:49 AM
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I started Al-anon before I left my ex. I didn't have any DV counselling until after I had left. I have to say that it wasn't until I started that did I feel any true healing. Not to diminish the work of Al-anon at all (it's a wonderful organisation), but coming out of an abusive relationship, be it emotional or physical or financial etc, is a little different. I found in my Al-anon group only one person who had any exposure to abuse per se.

I think it wouldn't do any harm throwing all the tools you can find at the problem and finding a mix that helps you.

Tx
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Old 02-07-2011, 02:43 PM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
Golden if you donít mind me asking, how long has it been that you and the ex are apart?

I think I need a support group for exís of addicts because Iím not ďfeelingĒ any kind of support from my ďnormalĒ friends Ė all they say is just get over it and move on. Iím not finding a lot of support in my al-anon group as they are all either still married or doing everything possible to hold the relationship together. I guess I kind of rain on there parade of hope now that Iíve shared that my relationship is over.

In my area all there are is death support groups. Ė thatís how I feel like a death has happened but I donít even fit into that group!

Itís been 3 months since I moved out and 7 weeks of no contact. My ex is in recovery and working a program AGAIN but none of that matters anymore, so much damage has been done, the same damage over and over again that I think he knows itís for the best for both of us. I guess I am past my angry stage and hitting the overwhelming sadness. These past 3 or 4 days Iíve been doing nothing but crying at the drop of a hat. Just wish I had someone in real life who understands what I am going through and how I feel!
We've been apart since mid-October. The weird part is I didn't look forward to seeing him anymore because he was so miserable to be around and I didn't miss him when it ended. But I still feel all this pain. There was a time long ago before he got so bad when he was nice and there was a soul in there. He disappeared over the last couple of years in all the booze.

I don't feel a lot of support from friends or family either. I try not talk about it very much because I know that they're reaction is "just get over it and move on" and it just doesn't work that way when someone tears you down like that.
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Old 02-07-2011, 02:45 PM
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Originally Posted by wicked View Post
I seem to remember from some of your other posts, that you are basically a rational person, and you want answers.
I am like that too.

When I first got sober, I loved AA it really got me going with the group and all.
but later, I started to explore other therapies and ways to deal with depression and alcoholism.

now to my point, finally.
have you ever read about or tried rational emotive therapy?
I've never heard of it but I'll certainly look into it. I know I'm not going to get answers, but it still drives me crazy.
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Old 02-07-2011, 02:53 PM
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I guess I'm just really hurt that these people were afraid of his anger for even a small discussion over breakfast of confronting him about his drinking. Imagine how scary it was for me to deal with him one-on-one on my own for so long and he's 100 lbs bigger than me. And I wonder do any of them ever think about that and how he's just going to do it to the next person.
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Old 02-07-2011, 03:03 PM
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trust me ladies, I was there too, in June...time does heal wounds and grieving HELPS...you can not move forward until you do...
**read books, go to movies ALONE if need be...go out for coffee with you mom or dad or sibling...do some window shopping...I love just sitting at the table and doing my hand and foot nails..new nail polish always makes me smile!!**

I have had no contact with my A in months...and thank god...i feel so much better and ALIVE
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Old 02-07-2011, 03:23 PM
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Originally Posted by fourmaggie View Post
trust me ladies, I was there too, in June...time does heal wounds and grieving HELPS...you can not move forward until you do...
**read books, go to movies ALONE if need be...go out for coffee with you mom or dad or sibling...do some window shopping...I love just sitting at the table and doing my hand and foot nails..new nail polish always makes me smile!!**

I have had no contact with my A in months...and thank god...i feel so much better and ALIVE


I agree. I think you have to be sad and get it out if you ever really want to move on. I feel like some people around me think I should just "move on" or stuff my feelings and run around.
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Old 02-07-2011, 09:23 PM
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I sometimes mourn again and get hurt AGAIN for the Nth time remembering stuff or with my imagination about XABF and new GF. XABF got a drinker for GF as well. Went to live with her. If I start going there, in my mind, I go mad with pain.

Something that works for me is imagining myself as a little girl and put the pic somewhere I see it. Then when I start with the self torture, bring the little me to mind and ask myself if I deserve that pain. If that small girl deserves to feel that pain.

Helps me stop the obsessive thoughts.

Therapy has helped me tons as well.

PS I get the feeling of not having anyone tell you "you are doing alright" and acknowledging all the hurt... acknowledging our side of the story. Lately I am starting to recognize my own strength and my intelligence and qualities, as I do this I find I no longer need other's approval or comments. Also, I get the feeling of them "partying as usual". It hurts. BUT now with a little bit more distance and seeing others get drunk in social occasions, I just think its very very sad. Love and happiness cannot grow & thrive in such situations. At least not the love and happiness we can imagine. Don't lose hope. We are walking together...... towards a more peaceful place... for US...

Last edited by TakingCharge999; 02-07-2011 at 09:25 PM. Reason: grammar
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