daveycrockett

I don't know if I put up roadblocks or not. I don't think I do. When the depression lifts some I do get more energetic and more stupid too. I do things when I have what I say is a high. I think I go through extreme highs and lows.

I know I'm not gonna get the support of any so called family or friends. I talk to my son often and we mostly talk about working on trucks. I do like to and want to talk about other things but he doesn't. When ever I mention anything about anything but trucks the phone goes completely silent. This I can never understand.

I agree that it is depression talking. I try my best to talk back to it but that doesn't do much lately. Depression and anxiety and OCD definitely rule my life and always have.

I looked on line and there are AA meetings close by, less than a mile away. I'm not ready for an AA meeting yet though. I have been getting cravings on and off but haven't touched anything.

I ordered some gluten free brownie and cookie mixes and just made some brownies. I ordered a regular cookie mix instead of gluten free my mistake, I called Amazon and they gave me a credit for the four packages of cookies and I ordered the right ones and they'll be delivered tomorrow. Amazon is excellent for returns even if you made the mistake.

Today I'm not as down as I was yesterday but it was a real chore making the brownies. I feel like I did when I first stopped drinking. I'm very weak and if I stand too long I get nauseated and I get back pain. I just can't force myself to get help though.

daveycrockett

I really do know I will never be like I was. I really abused my body with alcohol and not eating. I can't even imagine ever having a relationship again. It is possible but that is not realistic at this time.

trailmix

I think the AA meetings might be beneficial not even from a non-drinking point but from a fellowship point. Getting in to a group of sober people, many of them who have been where you are would be of benefit. As you already know you don't actually have to say anything but you can listen and you might find keys to your own recovery there.

Depression, Anxiety, OCD, these are all so common in alcoholics, I hear it time and time again. But I'm sure you already know this. People who are remaining sober and even thriving had to come back from that, their lessons can possibly help you. Anyway, that was my thinking.

So perhaps on one of those "high" days you might consider a trip to an AA meeting, can't hurt, might help?

I tried a gluten free diet once, for a couple of weeks, to see what all the hoopla was about and to see if it made any difference, it didn't for me. I'm not gluten intolerant yay! Really it is yay because I hate gluten free stuff lol

I order from Amazon all the time, I love Amazon. Mostly I love the convenience and the pricing for household items which is comparable to Walmart. I can't stand Walmart really so if I can avoid going there I do.

I just ate junk the last 2 days, well I'm calling chicken strips "junk" - had that tonight with salad.

Sorry that you are not feeling very well again, but it's not surprising as you are feeling rather depressed again, guess this is one of the low times. You know, I've read in the recovery forum that it takes some people a year or more to feel really physically recovered, healing can be a bit slow. That said, you are getting better slowly, this is a set-back but I bet shortly you will be feeling better again.

How were the brownies?

Astro

100% agree, AA meetings have pulled me up from the lowest points in my life and given me real hope that I never thought was possible. They've also given me lasting friendships that I can count on for help and support.

daveycrockett

I apologize for not replying sooner. I actually started typing this several days ago. I might go to an AA meeting in the near future but not ready for a crowd or large group yet. I think I would be OK with maybe just four or so people. I agree that it would be beneficial.

I wonder does anxiety, ocd, and depression always come before the alcohol. With me it was the anxiety and depression then the alcohol. When I was young I never knew I had depression, but I know now how severely depressed I was. This depression made me into the alcoholic that exists today.

I found out I was celiac about 7 years ago. Anytime I ate macaroni and meatballs with bread it bothered me, and I always blamed the sauce but it was the wheat. For me being gluten free made a huge difference. In addition to the brownies which were delicious I made gluten free chocolate chip cookies and pizza. And with brownies and cookies and cakes I have to have a tall cold glass of milk which I can't have tonight. Chicken strips are good food to me considering how I used to eat.

This has been the toughest of times. Depression just about sucked every bit of life out of me. My refrigerator died again and I had to throw out everything for the second time in a month. Another $200.00 plus wasted not to mention the $170.00 for the fridge. Buying new now, they a 21 cubic foot in black at Sears for $474.99. It is really difficult to be optimistic about anything anymore. I came very close to drinking and have strong cravings but I'm not caving in.

Astro

I'm glad you posted and happy to hear you didn't drink. On the rare occasions I do think about drinking, I know that afterwards I wouldn't be able to come up with a good reason to justify it, it would be pointless and not worth the consequences. Sorry to hear about the refrigerator, ouch, but I am thankful you have a fridge!

I have at times contemplated "what came first". My alcoholism, depression, codependency? Did my codependency cause my alcoholism or vice versa? Just my opinion, it seems pointless to even think about it....I'm on the road of recovery, have been for awhile, and I will keep trudging along and enjoying God's plan for my life.

trailmix

How's it going davey?

daveycrockett

I can't buy a fridge until I get paid on September twelfth unless I sell the truck. Being without a fridge that long is tough. I need to sell the truck but I haven't been able to. I had a few people interested but they get turned off because they can't take it for a good test drive. I could lose a couple thousand because of that.

I have been sober more than three months now and I know I made some good
accomplishments. But now I feel all that progress was in vane. I haven't eaten for several days and this is a huge set back as I am back to square one. I'm just not doing good and don't feel well. I'm reduced to tears again. I'm afraid I'm gonna drink today.

Astro

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling, and while I know you feel you've been set back, progress is still forward movement, I believe it's not in vain if we've learned even the slightest from it.

I'm not sure what method you're using to sell your truck but one of my coworkers uses OfferUp and he's had great success. If an interested buyer were to leave you some cash and a credit card would you let them take it for a good test drive?

daveycrockett

With the truck I'm concerned because it's not registered, inspected, or insured.

Sears doesn't have the fridge I want in stock but they have another one for $50.00 more. I can lease a fridge from Sears for about $26.00 a week then I can purchase it for full price in a couple weeks. The sad thing is if I get a fridge I only have about $50.00 until the twelfth. The fridge in stock is $520.00 plus tax and the lease amount. I'm not sure if I'm thinking clearly. Does this seem reasonable?

trailmix

The fridge thing might or might not be a good idea (the lease).

Are you leasing because you don't have the money for it right now or because you are waiting for the fridge which is 50.00 cheaper?

If you are waiting for the cheaper one I would skip the lease and just buy the one that is 50.00 more, in the long run you save money or break even on that after a couple of weeks not leasing.

If you don't have the money to buy it outright without leaving yourself short I would go with leasing for a couple of weeks and then buy it when you have the funds. You won't want to be struggling that much financially right now.

As for the truck - maybe reduce the price a bit. I don't know what it's like where you live but where I live a person can take their own plates off their current vehicle and put it on another vehicle and that's good for about 24 hours. Also a person's insurance should cover whatever vehicle they are driving, even yours, so that should not be an issue.

Looks like RI has something similar:

Registration Transfers
If you are transferring your registration and license plate from your old car, you can use your old license plates on your new car for:

Up to 20 days, if you buy from a Rhode Island dealer.
Up to 72 hours, if you buy from a dealer outside of RI.
Up to 48 hours, if you buy from a private seller.
To do this, the name on the registration must match the buyer's name.

Worth investigating.

Now for how you are feeling. My best advice to you would be to get to an AA meeting today, now as soon as you can. Muster up all your strength.

If that is completely not an option (and either way really) you need to fight this. First of all, please eat something. Order pizza, anything, make yourself eat. Remember when you went through this a couple of months ago. You made yourself eat and you felt so much better. It was only a few days before you were starting to eat more. Please do this before anything else.

daveycrockett

I don't have the money to buy a fridge now that's why I was thinking about leasing. I have a little more than $100.00 until I get paid. I decided against the lease because it was $60.00 down then two $26.00 payments then I can purchase it for more than retail. I'm just gonna buy one and own it on the twelfth.

I did lower the price on the truck and will continue to do so until it sells. I definitely need the money. That's a good suggestion with the plates and stuff. You made me realize I can write a bill of sale for the test drive and if the person doesn't buy it he can just tear it up.

I ordered Chinese food last night. I do have things like macaroni and cheese or macaroni with sauce. I'm craving ice cream so might go to Cumberland Farms for some. I really do feel horrible and my breathing is labored. I'm very scared again as I need help but can't do anything to get any. An AA meeting is out of the question at this time but I may go to one in the future.

Dee74

I hope you went for ice cream - little things like that reassure me with their normality.

D

trailmix

As for the trouble breathing, hard to say, could be a touch of something, could be asthma, perhaps even allergies. Have you experienced this before (as in a few years ago).

Not giving medical advice by the way, just saying it might be something that could easily be cleared up with antibiotics, an inhaler or anti-histamines. Talking to someone at the walk in clinic (when you are able) would be a good start.

Not all Doctors are unbending, they take your wishes in to consideration, well many do, it's part of their job as well. If you explain your situation they will try to help you out without insisting you do anything. Certainly worth a try. If they say, sorry can't help you, you just say ok and leave lol - no big deal.

You sound a little less down today, keep on keeping on. I hope you did get the ice cream and that you will keep doing nice small things for yourself, every bit helps and you deserve it!

daveycrockett

I bought a 1.5 quart of three flavors and ate the whole 12 servings, that's about 1400 calories.

With my stress and anxiety I have always had shortness of breath at times. I was checked for lung problems a couple times but not for ten or more years now. I always thought I had asthma but was told no unless I get some kind of asthma with anxiety. I have allergies and I did have bronchitis a few times.

I need mental health treatment before anything else, just because if I improve mentally I might have more desire to improve physically. A walk in is a good suggestion but even if I could get the courage to go there I am certain they will refer me to someone else. I wish there was a mental health line that was local and worked with Psychiatrists and counselors.

trailmix

What flavours did you get? I love ice cream, rarely eat it but it's good stuff.

Ok so yes, historically you have checked out fine, try to focus on that. As I said, not trying to diagnose here just hopefully you can see this more clearly, grounded in reality instead of fear and anxiety.

Good lord, the stuff that accompanies anxiety and depression is terrible. The fearful thoughts the incapacity that arrives with it. Thing is, it's not reality, it's the anxiety and depression talking.

The mind is an amazing and marvelous thing. When it's a teeny bit out of whack, well you know the result.

I agree with you completely that mental health treatment should be a priority so you can feel more on a stable footing.

Do you mean so that you could have remote access to psychiatrists and counselors, rather than having to visit in person? I'm guessing that's what you mean rather than looking for a referral.

You know, if you google agoraphobia resources you might find something along that line.

daveycrockett

I love ice cream too. I got strawberry, chocolate, and vanilla.

I have been good in the past as far as my lungs go. But this is different. I'm getting very weak and nauseous when I stand again. I have been eating and drinking Ensures. Although for many months now I only eat once a day at best.

I'm not sure exactly what I mean about Psychiatrists and counselors. I was thinking remotely but that really is not possible. I was also thinking of a help line that was directly connected to Therapists. A psychiatrist office with a help line maybe. I know that doesn't exist either but just thinking.

Astro

One of my benefits as a City worker is psychiatric counseling via phone, I can set up a program to speak with a doctor about depression, anxiety, etc. Yes, those options are available but I have even had some reservations about using them. I have to reach out, sometimes in desperation.

trailmix

Yes as Astro mentioned there are online counselling services, psychologists etc. You can talk to them online or on the phone, they can be pricey though so worth shopping around if you do decide to go that route.

Are you feeling any better at all? One thing, lack of exercise can really set you back. I know you aren't feeling all that great lately but trying to take a walk every day would probably help a great deal. Don't have to go far.

Astro

Yeah I agree, I wear a Fitbit and try to get in a minimum of 8k steps every day, some days getting over 25k. For the most part I work a desk job, I need to get up and move around as much as possible.