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Old 08-07-2018, 05:26 PM
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Wow, what an inspiration you are!
I read the first page and then the last page, then had to go back to full the blanks.
You should be proud of yourself for all you’ve achieved!!
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Old 08-07-2018, 08:42 PM
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An inspiration, thanks. No one ever said that to me before. I went to Walmart and bought a bunch of food. This Walmart doesn't have meats and produce though.

I actually feel like I have a new lease on life. My head is still foggy but I am thinking more clearly. After the guy started my truck he hung around and we talked for a while, I really enjoyed that. In Walmart some guy started talking to me and then he told me I look like Neal Young. Then when I got home the guy upstairs was talking to me for a while in the parking lot. And earlier I also talked to a young guy who was visiting his grandfather, and I spoke to Alice and she gave me a box of cookies. I haven't socialized so much in a couple years. I'm drained but I do feel good about my accomplishments.
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Old 08-07-2018, 09:46 PM
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Originally Posted by daveycrockett View Post
I cleaned the oven today, actually it cleaned itself. It was wicked smokey in here and I set off the building smoke alarm and the fire department came. I'm sure I could use that wood too bad you're so far away. If you don't mind me asking where do you live?
lol - sorry but the fire department coming gave me a laugh.

Glad to hear your back is on the mend.

Sounds like quite a day you had. Glad to hear the truck got started, as you said, it only needed a boost but getting it boosted is a major accomplishment - and then to the car wash too. I hope it sells really quickly.

Yes, it's not a zippy process healing. But you are hanging in there and that's the key, as you already know. You have made huge strides. Initially it is draining, doing all these things you probably haven't done in quite a while, like talking to all those folks. A month ago you didn't like the idea of actually speaking to anyone. So nice of that person to give you cookies, what kind are they?

Neil Young! Well that is actually a nice compliment.

I live wayyyyy on the other side of the country from you.

It it's great to see all this coming together for you. You are doing all the right things and moving forward.

You mention that your thinking is still a big foggy but clearing. Yes, this will take time no doubt, however it is improving and that's the ticket!
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Old 08-10-2018, 04:40 PM
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I was freaking out, I'm trying to avoid people and attention. My mind actually is on the mend, it's my body that is concerning me now.

I was sky high on Tuesday when I went to the car wash and Walmart. I shouldn't be driving because I don't have a license, insurance, registration, or inspection. This is how I get into trouble. I crashed hard after all that. The lows of depression hit me again.

The truck started right up. I want to get that guy that jumped me a gift card from Dunkin Donuts. The cookies are vanilla wafers. She gave me cookies and stuff before. Sometimes I helped her take her trash out and bring her groceries in. She's an older woman around 80.

I know I have something wrong with me. I believe I have liver disease or cancer. I'm just so weak still and getting out of breath. I don't have much appetite but have been eating some. I need to see someone but this loops back to my extreme fear of medical stuff.
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Old 08-11-2018, 06:22 AM
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I agree, getting checked out by a doctor would be a very good strategy to focus on.
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Old 08-12-2018, 11:51 AM
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I'm trying my best to psyche myself up enough to get help. It is a very difficult thing for me to do.
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Old 08-12-2018, 02:41 PM
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Originally Posted by daveycrockett View Post
I'm trying my best to psyche myself up enough to get help. It is a very difficult thing for me to do.
Pretty much darn near impossible I am thinking?

The thing is, it's really a fear/control issue, I totally understand that. What you really have to keep in mind is that regardless of who you see, you are in control.

I wouldn't worry about dialing that 3 digit number you don't want to dial, maybe that's too much drama for you to handle. How about a simple walk in clinic near your house?

The most important thing to remember is you are in charge. No one can do anything medical to you that you don't request. You don't have to go to the lab for blood work, you don't have to let them do anything. Now you are probably thinking well then why the heck would I go! Well, you would be able to sit and discuss with a doctor about your concerns. You might be able to get medication for your anxiety.

Basically it's a step in the right direction. If you can get medication for the anxiety, you might be able to go for further treatment. Maybe you would then be comfortable enough (after getting used to the medication) to discuss your concerns and anxiety in more detail next time, that kind of thing.

Baby steps!

Remember, they are Doctors and see people with mental illness all the time. They are not there to judge you or force you to do anything, they actually want to help you.

Level with them.

I think, most important right now is to stop the catastrophic thinking as much as possible. Remember a few weeks ago you couldn't leave the house. Now you have started eating, spoken to people, been out of the house and even drove to the store.
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Old 08-14-2018, 11:28 AM
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If I have some kind of serious disease I don't want to know. I may be in control for things like blood work and stuff but I don't want to do anything like that. My fears and anxieties have been a part of me for so long it is impossible to change that. I am so very extremely terrified and I don't want the torture of anything medical. Any doctor I have seen has always been in a hurry and won't talk. The thing from my experience is only a counselor will sit and talk. A psychiatrist only wants to prescribe medication and I absolutely refuse to take any more drugs. Mind altering drugs are responsible for a lot of my troubles.

Maybe with medical stuff I would be in control but with psychiatric stuff I don't have as much control. When I was in the mental institution back in 1990 I was forced to stay there. Six guys came down and one had a stun gun. Then while there I was forced to take mind altering medications. I won't go through that again.

I was very addicted to Benzos at one time and getting off of them was extremely difficult. I was on Benzos for over twenty years when they should only be prescribed for a few months at most. Zoloft was a brutal drug to come off too with some crazy withdrawals. And the electric brain zaps were intense. With Zoloft when I wasn't doing any better she kept increasing the dosage until I was on 400mg which is a very high dosage. Some people do not do well on Anti Depressants and I'm one of them.

I have been judged by many people while seeking help. I had them say the usual things like don't think about that so much, it's all in you head, you worry too much, or my favorite you are neurotic. I know I'm neurotic now can you please help me instead of judging me and telling me something I already know. From my experience not many people have any clue how to deal with a severely mentally ill person.
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Old 08-14-2018, 06:11 PM
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Ok so that makes it clearer to me where you are coming from. I thought you actually wanted medical help but you were fearful of it.

What kind of help do you want if any?

Do people know how to deal with the severely mentally ill? Most don't I shouldn't think. People in society are generally pretty predictable, mental illness is not. Say you pick up the phone and ask someone out for lunch, they say ok and off you go. If you call a person with an anxiety disorder, well, it's a crap shoot on whether you are going out to lunch and there may not even be a good reason. They may even agree and cancel at the last minute or not show up. People find that hard to wrap their head around.

Personally I don't expect people to understand unless it's their nearest and dearest and in that case they might do some research (like some of us do about alcoholism). If you don't know an alcoholic, chances are you don't understand alcoholism either.

Many people come in to the family and friends forum and say things like, I didn't know he was an alcoholic until 2 years later, I didn't know anyone who drank that much, thought it was something they would put aside when we got married or had children or decided to settle down etc etc. It is out of their realm of experience so they don't understand it, don't know how to deal with it.

So I think you are going to perhaps cut them a lot of slack. They don't understand and it's not likely they will anytime soon.

I think you have mentioned but I can't remember, have you ever attended AA meetings?
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Old 08-16-2018, 12:00 PM
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I know that what I said is contradicting. I do want help from someone I know. I do need medical help but I want to avoid anything invasive. I know that is not possible. If I go for help I know they'll want blood work and more.

I have been trying to get help for forty years now. I think that a time does come when you have to accept who and what you are. Most of my life has been just a horrible existance. About a year ago I accepted that I was gonna die. But obviously that has not happened. I would like to get better, I mean completely better.

I absolutely agree that people don't understand mental illness. The thing that bugs me is that people in the medical field don't understand it either. I know what you mean about making plans for dinner and stuff. I have done that a few times.

Personally I don't expect people to understand unless it's their nearest and dearest and in that case they might do some research (like some of us do about alcoholism). If you don't know an alcoholic, chances are you don't understand alcoholism either.

I tried to get some people to understand at least a little and they just don't understand at all. You said unless it's their nearest and dearest. I thought I had some people like that. I was confident that these few people would always be there. I did not choose mental illness it chose me. And because I was born with an illness I am ostracized and condemned.

Many people come in to the family and friends forum and say things like, I didn't know he was an alcoholic until 2 years later, I didn't know anyone who drank that much, thought it was something they would put aside when we got married or had children or decided to settle down etc etc. It is out of their realm of experience so they don't understand it, don't know how to deal with it.

So I think you are going to perhaps cut them a lot of slack. They don't understand and it's not likely they will anytime soon.

I think you have mentioned but I can't remember, have you ever attended AA meetings?[/QUOTE]
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Old 08-16-2018, 12:13 PM
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I know that what I said is contradicting. I also am not thinking clearly again. I do want help from someone I know. I do need medical help but I want to avoid anything invasive. I know that is not possible. If I go for help I know they'll want blood work and more. I know this is my problem. If I refuse any treatment there is no sense going.

I have been trying to get help for forty years now. I think that a time does come when you have to accept who and what you are. Most of my life has been just a horrible existance. About a year ago I accepted that I was gonna die. But obviously that has not happened. I would like to get better, I mean completely better. If I can't live a pleasant and happy life I'd just rather be dead.

I absolutely agree that people don't understand mental illness. The thing that really bugs me is that people in the medical field don't understand it either. I know what you mean about making plans for dinner and stuff. I have done that a few times. And I even did it for a trip to the ranch in New York. When I couldn't go my ex wife was very upset. I was told you don't love me and that I only care about myself.

I tried to get some people to understand at least a little and they just don't understand at all. You said unless it's their nearest and dearest. I thought I had some people like that. I was confident that these few people would always be there. I did not choose mental illness it chose me. And because I was born with an illness I am ostracized and condemned.

I have only been to a couple AA meetings. That was when I was in the mental institution. I personally didn't get anything from them. I will say I didn't give them enough chance. When at those meetings all I could think about was getting out of there.

A couple of my teeth are bothering me and I am freaking out about that. My first thought was to pull the teeth myself. I have a tremendous fear of dentists too. I had a few bad experiences with dentists. I do have a dentist now who is very good. He is kind and understanding about dental phobia. I almost passed out when I got novacaine before. And at that time she was very concerned and even called me at home.

I live every day of my life in complete and total fear of the world. And with this fear comes complete and total anxiety. I can't remember the last time I felt relaxed. This is a horrible existance in which there is no help and not even a slight bit of understanding.
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Old 08-16-2018, 12:50 PM
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I did do a lot of cleaning over the past week. I started to get rid of the wine boxes and got rid of about 50 so far. I cleaned the bathroom and the shower and toilet. I'm gonna take a shower. I brushed my teeth a couple days ago and thats when they started to bother me.

I believe I went through a state of temporary insanity when I totally neglected myself and my bills and my condo and everything else. I don't know why I would neglect my teeth and then have to face the terrifying prospect of going to a dentist. If I shower will that cause some other problem?

I haven't been eating much I think this is because I am in such a high state of anxiety. I do eat popsicles every day but I think the coldness of these are bothering my teeth too. I eat yogurts, pudding, and Ensure every day. I made tacos again, tacos are one thing I do like to eat. I only eat something like tacos once a day at the most.
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Old 08-16-2018, 03:50 PM
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Totally get the dentist phobia, I still have it and have to force myself to go and it's a big big deal, for years I didn't go.

It may be that you teeth are very sensitive now that you are brushing, can you try some sensodyne toothpaste? It can take a while, a week or so, to start working effectively but does start to help a bit right away and it does work!

Your progress is amazing, truly, it's leaps and bounds from where you were, I know I keep repeating that but I hope you keep it in the forefront of your mind.

So a year ago you decided you were dying, well, you didn't and a year from now you will probably be looking back going, hmm. Anxiety and depression thrive on those thoughts, create those thoughts, they are dark and menacing and hard to have in your head.

You have decided that medical treatment will be "invasive" and etc etc - you don't know that. Baby steps. It's why I suggested just visiting a walk in clinic. Discuss it with the Doctor. What if maybe you have an ulcer? There are antibiotics that can treat most (google h pylori bacteria). All i'm saying is a chat can't hurt, it will give you something to start. If you never want to go back there, that is your choice. You are free to do as you please, don't forget that.

It can be hard to get effective treatment for mental disorders, you need someone who will really track you and understand what you are going through. Do you have a therapist that perhaps you worked with in the past?
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Old 08-16-2018, 04:26 PM
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Originally Posted by daveycrockett View Post
I did do a lot of cleaning over the past week. I started to get rid of the wine boxes and got rid of about 50 so far. I cleaned the bathroom and the shower and toilet.
And this - totally amazing. 50 wine boxes gone! That's tremendous. The cleaning.

I think that perhaps you don't realize that you are healing? Is everything perfect? Ready to go running out the door to a social function? Nope. Miles from where you were - yes.

The healing of the mind is slow, it's also not all straight ahead, there are setbacks (which you have experienced) but there is also movement forward.

Imagine where you might get with a little help. Will you ever find a cure-all, I don't know? What if you were to get help and it only improved, let's say, 70 percent? 80 percent? Would that not be so much better than where you are now? Remember, you were not always at this place mentally, therefore it stands to reason that you do not have to stay in that place.
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Old 08-17-2018, 05:27 AM
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I agree, your small steps have turned into tremendous strides, you've made a lot of progress. If you continue to take these steps every day, eventually you will look back at how much improvement you've really made.

I had dental problems when I got sober, 27 years of beer drinking causes issues due to the carbonation. I had four teeth pulled, got dentures and a couple crowns, and stopped drinking carbonated products except for the occasional seltzer water. My mouth is in pretty good shape these days.

Keep on keepin' on, you are doing great.
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Old 08-19-2018, 12:17 AM
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There is no cure all, that's for sure. I would be thrilled to be 80 percent better. The past couple days I've had strong cravings for alcohol. I didn't touch any and don't plan to. I've been here before sometimes I won and sometimes I caved in. This is where it does get real difficult. Thank you for the encouragement.
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Old 08-19-2018, 09:42 AM
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No, no cure, but there are solutions. One of the many things that keep me coming to SR for over 12 years is the daily reminder that I'm not alone, I don't have to go through this alone, and there are recovery plans for alcoholism and other addiction related disease. We can recover.
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Old 08-19-2018, 12:12 PM
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I was here about 6 to 7 years ago and found support. I was in a better place then and was able to help others too. Yes we can recover but with me I'll never be real good again. I still need the support of a friend or family member. I appreciate your replies and support.
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Old 08-19-2018, 11:51 PM
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Originally Posted by daveycrockett View Post
I was here about 6 to 7 years ago and found support. I was in a better place then and was able to help others too. Yes we can recover but with me I'll never be real good again. I still need the support of a friend or family member. I appreciate your replies and support.
Roadblocks. Do you find yourself putting up your own roadblocks?

When you're feeling more hopeful and less depressed you look forward, you make plans to conquer things and you do that.

You mention you still need the support of a friend or family member. With that i'm reading there is support all around me of all different types but what i need is - "this" - whatever that is that you don't really have at the moment.

It's that - if, if I had this and if this were that way. These things will come with time, no doubt. Acceptance that this is not happening right now and a plan to work around that might be helpful.

Depression is talking, talk to back to it, don't let it rule your life.

As for the wanting to drink, the reason I mentioned AA is because it might just be different this time around. I know you have many days where you can't leave the house, but on those days when it seems possible are there meetings nearby? You just might find the key is there, in the support of other people who have been where you are.

Don't let your previous experience cloud what might be something really good in your life.
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Old 08-20-2018, 05:17 AM
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Originally Posted by daveycrockett View Post
Yes we can recover but with me I'll never be real good again.
Never? I guess I never thought my children and I would have a relationship again, and I'd never marry again, and I'd never be able to go through life without beer and wine. But that's wildly different from the truth and what God had in mind for me. My life may not be what I consider 100% perfect but it sure is beyond what my wildest dreams were!

Anything is possible.
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