Briansy

Soo many England fans are scumbags, Dropsie - there just isn't a nice way to say it! Doesn't surprise me at all they booed the Germans and the TV cameras also zero'd in on a little German girl (circa 5 or 6) crying in her Daddy's arms. All sorts of stuff going around Whatsapp saying the Nazi scum had it coming etc etc!! Standard. I'm Irish btw but I do like the English - just not that segment of society!!

Phil would indeed be fun, I do feel he's had his last hurrah now. But I am going to be happy regardless. I am desperate for Tiger to return in some form. Even if it's the senior's tour! In the meantime, I am hoping his son Charlie is developing nicely. The kid is just 12 but I see him having at the very least a better than average PGA tour career. I hope it will be even better than that again. Either way, golf really badly needs a generational star. Right now I don't feel we have anyone that has close to his charisma - I will admit this is a very high bar.

Day 11 here and feeling strong!

Dropsie

Good for you -- 11 days, 11 months, 11 years, its all just living at some point.

I hate to say I am not a huge Tiger fan, although I was delighted to see him come back and win, like Phil did. I do agree we need star power and that Phil has had his miracle. So happy to see Asians winning big tournaments, which is great for the game.

Belgium-England final would be great...

Obladi

How goes Day 12, my friend?
Is it harder for you to get through the weekend sober or harder to get through the week that way?

p.s. clearly, I know nothing about soccer
Wait, is it soccer? Or golf?
Anyhow, I know nothing about sports!

Briansy

Hi O, the funny thing is I don't see a distinction between weeks or weekends because "social" drinking isn't something I have done in well over 2 years. I have totally adjusted to a sober "lifestyle" from that perspective which was an absolutely huge adjustment.

The hard bits kinda come out of the blue and I will admit that these past 12 days have been largely plain sailing bar those first couple of days. I am feeling better about life in general and there's no point even trying to diagnose why but it is absolutely fair to acknowledge that there is only one 100% sure fire way to set that feeling on flames and send me back into the hole. We know what that is.

But I am feeling good and engaging in positive activities I feel.

AL48

Great to hear you're doing well Briansy.

Steely

A great post Briansy.

Obladi

Hey Briansy,

The only difference I saw in my end-game was that I tried to practice restraint in my out-of-control drinking on work days; weekends and holidays were full-on beyond insanely out of control. I remember, too, those periods where I could behave 'for a time' but it only felt like 'for the time being.' I don't quite understand what you mean by saying that you have totally adjusted to a sober 'lifestyle?'

O

Briansy

I guess it means where drinking is no longer a part of my routine or factored into my decision making on what I am doing day to day, week to week. I don't meet people socially and drink, I don't have a drink after golf, or at a meal or ever really bar when I decide to go full self destruct. That's the bit I have struggled with in the last 18 months. There has been no "oh maybe I can have a drink"? That idea left a long time ago. It's "I know well I can't have a drink but screw it I want oblivion anyway".

The above state of affairs is a mindset which is very different to what it was when I was deep deep in the mire in 2016-2018 where I was drinking 4-5 days a week and wasn't able to make the leap into committing to quit as the idea of losing my social life and losing my crutch left me feeling so exposed and isolated and afraid. I have moved beyond that horrible place - yes, I do feel a little isolated at times but I always was a bit of a loner in truth, it's just the drink masked it. Still figuring out how to live without it on the horizon as a "back up" (and, yes, I know, the backup doesn't work anymore - which initially was a horrific realisation but now I realise it's my brain trying to keep me alive!!).

So there you go!

My challenges are different now. And not inconsiderable. But the last 18 months have been a much, MUCH better place than when I was hitting that wall. I have found this journey to be a slow unfurling - maybe my recent drinking has shown that I have plateau'd though? Is that what you mean when you say: "I remember, too, those periods where I could behave 'for a time' but it only felt like 'for the time being." - Feels like you are trying to tell me something

Briansy

Dropsie, this Belgium game is good! Will it be an epic come back? For your sake I hope so. All of the pressure this second half is on the Italians. Very good team, the Belgians. Good luck!

Obladi

Well, not to be a jerk or anything, but weren’t you on your knees not two weeks ago?

Feels like you are glossing over the last 18 months as a whole, sort of smoothing over the rough patches and making an assessment that things are at least ‘better’ now. And perhaps that’s true. 17 months ago I was in a pit, so I certainly have no way to rate your assessment.

So if I get you right, your lifestyle is a sober one because alcohol isn’t involved in your socializing with other people? Is that what you mean?

Briansy

I've already answered your question. Re-read it.

O, can you do me a favour. Please, please stop posting at me. It's not helpful. It really isn't. I know you mean well but you have consistently been making these kinda vague comments rather than just coming out and saying what you want to say directly. Frankly, it comes across strongly as hounding.

Thank you for kindly respecting my wishes on this one. And before you chime in, ScottfromWi, I would also respectfully ask the same of you.

Obladi

Yes, of course.

Dee74

At the risk of being added to the **** list...can I add the observation that asking people to not post to you is going to cut your correspondents right down, and I think you need more input not less.

You can ask for whatever you think you need, but you've done this 'please don't post to me' thing before, and you kept drinking.

What steps are you taking to make this time different?

What does good help mean to you Briansy?

You don't seem to want people challenging you,. so what do you want from folks here?

what do you want people to share with you?

Genuine queries I don't know the answers to - no loaded questions

and no you can't put me on ignore

D

Briansy

Actually I don't have a problem with people challenging me, respectfully, making their point and leaving it there. What I don't appreciate is being hounded. I've made it perfectly clear in the past that a bit of understanding, empathy etc is what I post for. I absolutely don't post to have people tell me that I need to follow some predefined check box list for sobriety!

You say in a slightly accusatory way: "you did X but you keep drinking". I know well that if I was to come on here and post: "well today, I got up and meditated, then went to a meeting, then read the big book, then did X, then did Y, etc etc" it would meet your approval, bravo you would say, but I spent several months in 2018 doing all that check box stuff and it turned into an obsession of its own and wasn't helpful.

You all well know how hard it is to get across the line. And I'm sorry but it isn't some "tada!" Light bulb moment - there's a hell of a lot of people on here who say: at some point I just reached the end of my tether and couldn't bring myself to do that ever again - those people weren't necessarily drinking every day and night and drinking from the end of pint glasses with cigarette butts - and in horrible withdrawal etc - some took a few years of improvement before finally saying no more. Many people here say sobriety doesn't take a linear path, but it seems like many regular posters here had this "rock bottom" moment and remained consistently sober since then. And I hear them make one size fits all comments which ultimately amounts to a reflection on how they did it. And that's cool, make your point. But please then leave it there!

I come here for what they call "fellowship", Dee. Sometimes just to shoot the ****. Sometimes cos I'm low and want a kind, listening ear. Sometimes I have asked for advice but actually mostly I don't? I know your story well. I know Scott's, I know O's. I like observing their progress and hearing their thoughts but not to be whacked over the head with "tough love". At some point you have to back off. I read some posts and I think: is this about me or is it actually about them?

I hear people say: "you have to do what works for you". But I don't think they mean that - and it's only on the condition that you remain sober and if you don't then you are failing. Absolutely no nuance in that sentiment whatsoever or acknowledgement that significant incremental improvements can be made. And frankly if you don't think incremental improvements can be made then just say so. But don't make vague indirect little comments indicating I'm doing it wrong or willfully ignoring everyone or just not "getting it". I'm doing my ******* best. Just calm down and have a normal conversation with me if you want to post on my thread. Take it easy. If you want to support me great, if you don't, it's easy to go elsewhere and wistfully tell them how wrong they're doing it.

Dee74

what I said

is not what you think I said
I've *seen* you push people away before and keep drinking after that.
Observation. not accusation.

You didn't tell me what your plan to do to avoid drinking again is.

I would have liked to know whether you feel your new mindset means you wont drink again, or whether you'll just drink less in volume/frequency or both.

I think Ob was getting at the same thing.

I think that would have been a worthwhile discussion.

Commitment is a biatch.

I had great trouble committing to anything when I was trying to quit drinking.

You remind me a lot of me.

I daresay others here feel the same.

What you see as hounding might be people who care enough to keep trying to help you avoid the mistakes they have made, and keep offering that help even tho, lets face it, you often treat them pretty badly..

Folks like Ob and Scott have stuck with you for a long long time, and have the bruises to prove it.

I think pushing folks like that away is classic alcoholic self sabotage....but...if pure fellowship is what you want from SR, then you got it.

You can always let us know if or when you change yr mind.

Have a good weekend

D

ScottFromWI

It’s true that you’re also asked me to quit posting on your threads Briansy. For the record I mostly have, but not because you requested it- but because you rarely/if ever answer any of the hard questions asked of you.

If you are looking to just use SR as a social platform, I’d suggest you move your threads to Cafe. This is indeed an Alcoholism forum first and foremost, hence the title.

Obladi

Hi Briansy,

Just one more post to you (not 'at' you):

• The only way I can relate to you is from my own experience. I don't believe I've ever told you how you should 'do' recovery; I've told you how I did it because that's the only thing I know. I honestly thought I was identifying with you. I wanted to tell you that I may have been in similar places to where you are now and offer some... I don't know, commiseration and hope?
• I never ever meant to be throwing shade at you. Far be it from me, as you well know. I am very sorry if I ever did that and hope you will accept my apology. I intensely dislike other people telling me about my self, so I'm really really sorry if it felt that way to you. (Straight shooting is different from accusations in my book, but I understand you may not have felt it that way.)
• I misunderstood your smiley faces, winks and questions as encouraging/appreciating my engagement even when you didn't 'like' it. Thank you for being direct in your request. No guess-work there.
• I've never encountered anyone in my long soppy life who has gone from problem drinking to moderation (or occasional blow-outs) to being fully sober. I honestly didn't know that was a thing but believe there must be such stories because you've read them. It seems that you have a different definition of sobriety than I do. I respect that - I just didn't understand that you were going for incremental improvements in drinking on the way to not drinking.
• 18 months ago you asked directly for 'tough love' and took us to task for not delivering. Even so, I've not seen a whole lot of that toughness in the intervening time, but of course that's only my perspective. Perhaps that's what you mean by my 'vague statements' that I didn't think were vague at all. I'd ask you which way you want me to communicate with you, but as you've asked me not to post 'at' you at all, I guess that point is moot.
• Here's the facts: there is no such thing as a 'sober lifestyle' that involves drinking and there is no such thing as incremental sobriety. You drink or don't drink. It's a binary equation.

I will not write you off because you told me to go jump in a lake, but I certainly will honor your request to leave you alone.
I'll be around if you ever want to 'talk.'

xo
O

Mizz

Its true. You have not asked for advice and people freely give it. Myself included. You have spoken your truth. I think that is a good thing even if it is telling people to **** off. You gotta do what works for you!

Take care of yourself. Its your life. No one is living your life but you. Find happiness and run with it.

Ill see you around on the forum

Boondock

All they are trying to do is help you not keep reliving the cycle of :...Get s*** faced - self flagellate - feel better - repeat
Can't you see that you're still in a vulnerable place. Vigilance is a necessity right now. Don't worry about some cookie cutter method for recovery everybody here is making their own formula out of a little bit of everything even if they are mainly one program. You need to make yours, pushing people away isn't going to help.

Dropsie

I think this is one of those few times when being a lawyer is actually a good thing because you learn to read carefully and try to get the complete meaning of what is being said both explicitly and implicitly.
I totally understand Briansy post that started this interchange and I agree with him that a lot of teetotalers follow a similar path by taking alcohol out of their daily life style, having a few relapses, and then they stop having relapses and become successful non-drinkers. But the point is, during the relapses, they know and accept that they cannot drink and never go back to thinking that drinking can ever be part of their normal life.
The next "step" is to figure out how to not have those screw it moments that become relapses, but the point is that those are not moments when you tell yourself one is OK, because you have accepted that it is OK, instead they are moments when you do it anyway.
I agree with Briansy that that is huge, but still a problem that needs to be solved.
And I don't think that he ever said not to post, just not to post at him, which is totally different, and I think what he was referring to is that some of the posts were a bit passive aggressive even though I know they were not meant that way and sometimes we just hit the one chord at the wrong moment.
Peace and love folks.