Obladi

Gonna chalk this day up as a success.
- Cleaned the "spice cupboard;" I now have a spice shelf
- Cleaned the snack cupboard; also occupies one shelf now
- Relocated glasses and mugs
- Emptied another cupboard and now don't know what I'll do with it
- Started moving baking cookware to a new location
- Did a load of laundry (all I needed to do because it's just me!!!)
- Watched some hurricane news but not too much
- Wrote for another hour on my wrong things of a lifetime list - still wending my way forward to the Really Bad Years
- Went to a meeting

One more day off before I go back to work... poo. Maybe just maybe I'll clean under the kitchen sink tomorrow. Wouldn't that be grand?

Physically: A bit of stomach upset - probably too much coffee
Mentally: Feel a bit worn out, not sure why
Spiritually: All is well

SnazzyDresser

Reminds me of that old saying: Life is the variety of spice.

Obladi

Hmmm... interesting. I always heard variety is the spice of life. Now I'm going to need to think about the difference. I think I rather like "variety of spice."

Obladi

Going through the living room this morning, I wondered how a lamp had been turned on then remembered I had installed a timer. How nice of me!

My eldest is coming to visit this evening after IOP. Not sure we'll have much quality time as I'm likely to be pretty tired, but that's ok. I'll be glad to have her here, to see her reactions to the progress I've made with the house, and to send a bunch of food home with her! It's so very good to not have those old feelings of needing to frantically get ready or just leaving things because there is no hope or wondering how I will get my drinks in without her knowing.

Danged if today's meditation isn't yesterday's prayer:

I pray that I may see God’s grace in the strength I receive, the love I know, and the peace I have. I pray that I may be grateful for the things I have received through the grace of God.

These sorts of coincidences used to blow my mind. I still think it's pretty neat, but now just nod my head in recognition. My previous sponsor would say, "That's just God showing off."

I had a couple of cravings yesterday, but no urges and no debating about whether I would or wouldn't drink. Just noticed them and then thought about what I might need at that time. The first time I ate something and the second time I went to bed. And I woke up naturally to another new day that holds possibility rather than resignation to a miserable existence.

Going to occupational health today for my official clearance to return to work. I can't think of a single thing that would cause a set-back aside from drinking before I go there. Ain't happening. Nor will I drink after.

Physically: Stiff back, no headache
Mentally: Scattered - wanting to do So Many Things
Spiritually: See above

Obladi

Cleared for work - aaaaaaaaaah!
Daughter is here - ah.

Physically: overall, fine thanks. Twisted my wrist somehow but it doesn't hurt if I remember not to use it.
Mentally: alert
Spiritually: Blessed

Good group, good meeting this evening. It's all good right now.

O

Obladi

Morning meditation has not yet been formulated, but it's something along the lines of "just let your light shine and follow the path of those good people who've been successful before you." Which jives with what this AA guy told me when we met for coffee after the meeting yesterday morning - just stay in today, keep doing what you're doing and people will respond to the change in you.

I need to change Mr Heroin's name because (a) I now know him a little bit better and (b) turns out he's got poly-substance struggles. Want to write about that, but for now I need to finish up getting ready to go to worrrrrrrkkkkk!!

Day 28, y'all
Yep, 4 weeks. In my house. Left to my own devices for all but 3 hours of the day.

Physically: Overall, I am feeling well. Need to get a wrist brace today
Mentally: Somewhat anxious
Spiritually: Less centered

Need to use time on the train to do some meditation.

JudicatorPanzer

Today I choose sobriety, going to my job, going to a meeting after work, and watching Preacher on demand when I get home. BIG plans lol.

Obladi

Judith

I personally think those ARE big plans. Sobriety is my number one priority and it sounds like it's yours too. Awesome sauce.

O

Obladi

Sorry, on mobile device and need to get used to it. Sorry to get your name wrong, Judicator!

Dropsie

Obladi,

I am thinking of you on your first day.

I know how much you love your job.

I think that once you get through the newness it is going to be good to be back.

Takes bravery I know. But you are brave and you can do hard things.

XXX

Obladi

Thanks, Drops.

Today was just fine. Got my annual review and it was very good.

Worked 8a-6p, went to a meeting at 730 and I'm beat. Need to leave by 6a tomorrow as I start at 7, so I'm going to take my leave.

Physically: just tired
Mentally: good, holding my own
Spiritually: working on being aware of being intertwined with everyone else

Dropsie

Not surprised, but delighted, that your first day went well and that you got such fabulous feedback.

Imagine what next year will bring firing on all cylinders!!

XXX

Your recovering clutter buddy

PS. If you finish the kitchen this w/e, I bet you will feel even better. I will be working on the 40 boxes I have to go through -- we can keep each other company!

Obladi

I should be getting ready for work, but I'm going to take a few minutes to write about Mr Poly. When we last left off, I wanted to address Mr Poly in group but was cut off mid-address by Ms Dismissive. Weeping and ranting and gnashing of teeth ensued in my mind. Last week Friday, I sat down next to him at break and had a quiet conversation with him in which I conveyed that I worry about anyone who uses heroin nowadays because they're putting elephant tranquilizer in the stuff for cryin out loud. I went on to say that I felt compassion because I also tried to make my offspring the reason for getting sober but it didn't work and I hoped he could find a reason for himself. He thanked and hugged me. I've never seen him hug anyone else in group - it was really touching. A good moment.

But wait, that's not all! In group on Monday, he heartfully expressed that he's not sure why he's doing this IOP thing and he's struggling with motivation. Whoa. This guy does not talk in group. Didn't until then, anyhow. The lesson for me is to pay attention to my gut (fini, is "gut" related to "God?"). I still felt like making a connection with this guy days after I wasn't able to do so and I did and it seems to have maybe helped to create an opening for him to start real talking.

Almost forgot an important thing that needs to see the light of day (which it isn't yet, but your know, figuratively): Had a few cravings yesterday anticipating the end of the work day. This took me a bit by surprise but it should not have. Makes sense, right? My body/brain/beast has been conditioned to anticipate a drink or ten after work. It was a bit... troubling (?) that the beast had me at least partially convinced that I actually would pick up some vodka on the way home. True to AVRT, once I fully recognized what was going on, the beast lost. I had a few more thoughts, but that's all they were - thoughts, not cravings. Best thing is that I didn't have to work for this in the moment, it just came naturally.

Physically: Better, now that I'm past the shock of being so rudely awakened by my alarm
Mentally: Content
Spiritually: Content

Hey, Drops! I thought it was 80 boxes, so you're halfway through!

fini

no idea, Obladi, if "gut" is relate to God.

doubt it, though, but might check it out. ( in german, "gut" is "good", which might relate to God. but where the english "gut" comes from, i do not know)

the idea of "gut feelings" and relating it to anything divine is interesting to me, and gets meshed with things like Guiding Inner Light (Quakers, i believe, but could be wrong).

i do believe that if i sit with stuff and am still, eventually "the right answer" will come.
is that the same as "gut feeling"?

i also know that my "gut feeling" has not been the best decision maker, and could tell you a whole bunch of examples.

but won't

fini

http://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&...r1xmoSx9J9S_8g

Obladi

Worked for 11 hours today. Parked in a spot that as long as I'm out by 6pm is $8. I saw that it was 5:53 and high-tailed it down there! Got there at 6:00:34 and the fee was $15. Bummer. Guess I can't spend that $7 on booze now. (As if I ever spent just $7 anyhow...)

Went to a meeting and the speaker chose to talk on the last promise - "My HP had done for me what I could not do for myself." I've got thoughts on that but was anxious about speaking because it seems... kind of out there? I mean, it makes sense to me but I'm not sure I can explain it well enough to reflect what I feel/believe. Maybe I'll try it here tomorrow if I can get some non-sleepy free time.

Physically: Drowsy - going back to work for 10 and 11 hour days takes its toll
Mentally: Good, fine, wish I had some of my solitary time back
Spiritually: A work in progress

Obladi

"God has done for me what I could not do for myself."

Here's how I see it in my little mind: God is a very small word for an indescribable concept. Aum is just as small of a word, but comes closer to describing my HP (in my mind, anyhow). I've always been drawn to the story of Moses at the burning bush when God says his name is "I am that I am." Circular, infinite, a riddle that can't be solved, indescribable. As I currently understand it, Aum is the sound that best describes the meaning of the concept of God, everything that is, everything that links us together with each other and all that is.

So God, or the Aum, has always been doing for me what I cannot do for myself. That doing has been external as well as internal - through me. Really, all I need to do is pay attention and do/think/say the best I know how by heeding that which I instinctively know to be right and true. Obliterating that rightness with my substance of choice is wrong because it masks and suppresses who I am, a part of the Aum.

Of course, I'm not satisfied with all of those words because they don't do justice to the feeling or knowledge or whatever it is. Popeye said it much more succinctly and as clearly as anyone (or cartoon ) can: "I yam what I yam," a reflection and agent of the Aum.

Physically: Rested!
Mentally: Gosh, I dunno. I think I just confused myself.
Spiritually: Present

p.s. Today is Day 30. The Addictive Voice has taken to whining. I'm noticing and just sort of sitting with It for now.

Dropsie

Love the thoughts about Aum.

Where I am at as well with this.

To be clear, I have not done any boxes, but (optimistically) my daughter has to do hers, which is about half....

Obladi

Thanks for saying so, Dropsie!

Obladi

Lonnnnnnggg day.
Work
Therapy
IOP

But hey, I'm sober so there's that.

Physically: headache
Mentally: nothing
Spiritually: hopeful