Obladi

On my way to a meeting, so right quick:

Morning meditation: Too personal to share at the moment. It's my attempt at a 3rd step prayer, and beyond.

Physically: Nothing hurts! Need to lather my torn up hands with cream
Mentally: A bit giddy
Spiritually: Work in Progress

Obladi

I spoke to another recovering person yesterday and she and I planned to "do something" today. After I went to my morning meeting, I was feeling a little pressed for time because I wanted to bake something for the evening meeting. Hadn't heard from my friend by noon and thought briefly about simply not calling her and waiting to see if she called me. But then I said, "Obladi, you said you would do this thing and if you're going to have integrity, then you need to follow through." So I called her and we went to lunch. And it was nice. She confessed to me that she had also thought about not going! Two isolationists walk into a bar (not)...

By the time I got back home, it was too late to bake anything but I was going to try but then I realized I didn't have time and then I felt bad about that and developed a stress headache. Oy vey, the knots into which I tangle myself!

No one cared that I didn't bring anything - I haven't seen them for three months and so they certainly weren't expecting anything. Just sitting here shaking my head at myself. I need to (a) stop putting such great expectations on what I'm going to accomplish or (b) get better with time. Likely both, but I'm going to go with option (a) for circumstances such as this.

In other news, I walked 15 minutes on the treadmill today. That's a start.

Physically: Feeling fine, thank you
Mentally: At ease
Spiritually: Making progress. I compared my first attempt at a 3rd step prayer from the spring to the one I just wrote and was struck by how the first one was all about me. Progress not perfection indeed.

Obladi

Too bad I can't "Thank" my own posts - I like that last one.

Morning meditation: Refining on that prayer or meditation or whatever it was I wrote yesterday. I felt joyful after a few repeats, so must be on the right track.

Day 21 today.

Aside from that, I got nothing, so I'd best just get on with my scheduled tasks and activities.

Physically: A few sore spots, no headache
Mentally: Content
Spiritually: Under construction

Della1968

Great thread!

ssd858

You are a riot! Thanking your own posts!

I am loving this thread. Right behind you time-wise(day 19). Will try to keep up with you!

Obladi

Brought the topic of being "wrong" back to my therapist today and I'm glad I did. We talked about how terribly embarrassing it is for me to be wrong and how I then feel like I'm an idiot and therefore "bad." I think it strengthened our therapeutic relationship and was just plain helpful to me to look at these things somewhat objectively.

IOP tonight was... ok. Group therapy was kind of a dud - it's bound to happen sometimes. Nonetheless, it wasn't time wasted because I really do enjoy the rapport of this group of people.

Della and ssd58,
fini, hugs

Physically: I need a shower
Mentally: Focused
Spiritually: Fortunate

Obladi

It's going to rain all day today. That's ok by me - just have to keep an eye on the basement for water seeping as the ground is already pretty soaked. For years after I bought this house, the basement would take on water. It was extremely stressful, especially once it became the territory of the oldest daughter in residence. I'd be down there shop-vacc'ing, hanging area rugs to dry, etc etc while the kid who lived down there hung around upstairs and bemoaned that their room had "flooded." One time there literally was a flood - youngest called me at work to tell me water was pouring through the open door sill and she couldn't get the door closed. So I finally decided to do something about it and did some "landscaping" of my design. So far so good.

Recalling all of this as I do when it's very rainy, brings up the memory of my boyfriend's reaction. I probably had water in the basement 4 or 5 times over the course of the five years we were together. He came over once to help, and it was not after the flooding episode. Later, he told me that he stopped helping because he was angry that I hadn't done anything to prevent future problems.

This memory no longer upsets me like it did, but clearly I haven't let go of it. It's emblematic of the way he treated me; silence and distance followed by shaming that seemingly came out of the blue at a later time.

This AA guy who is very welcoming and pleased every time he sees me was handing out cards to people in the spring with words of wisdom. One of those was, "If I am still hurt by what someone has said or done, I have not been able to forgive them. Is forgiveness justified?" In this boyfriend's case, no, I don't think it is. He treated me very poorly, manipulated and took advantage of my generosity, lied and cheated.

And it bothers me that I hold onto this. I know forgiveness is supposed to help me, but I just don't know how to do that in cases where a person is just plain cruel to another human being.

Obladi

Today's email meditation was "live each day as if it's your last." Wouldn't that be wonderful? I wouldn't care anymore what my house looks like or need to go to IOP or concern myself with paying my bills. Impractical, but I get the intent - to me it's more like, "Treat everyone (including yourself) today as if you might not ever see them again." Or something. Think I used too many brain cells on that last post.

Today's mission if I choose to accept it is to continue working on the kitchen - maybe even do under the sink - yuck! Change sheets on my bed, take a shower and get to IOP on time.

Physically: Back is still a bit achy. I think I noticed today that the morning headache comes shortly after I get up. It's mostly gone now.
Mentally: Contemplative
Spiritually: Grateful

Obladi

Did not like IOP at all tonight. There's a guy who's been coming in and out and his drug of choice is heroin. I started, "You know you're playing Russian Roulette, right?" A patient I shall call Miss Dismissive interjected with "Marijuana can kill people too if people drive when high." To which I responded, "Yes, but with heroin, you take the risk of dying on the spot every single time you take a shot." Miss Dismissive responded dismissively, "Alright, Obladi."

Spoke with my counselor (who was not in the room) about this and he said, "What were you thinking when you said what you did?" Followed by, "We're about feelings here, so what was your intention?" What I was thinking was, "maybe I can get this guy to talk some about his motivation and share my lack of success with much the same motivation." But I couldn't think fast enough to answer the counselor's rapid-fire questions to get that out. I thanked him, left the facility and cried a little bit.

Spoke with my friend who is a substance abuse counselor and she explained that the counselor was probably trying to find out what I was feeling when I spoke to Mr Heroin. Oh! Compassion, a desire to help. . . you know, appropriate group therapy things.

Miss Dismissive's last day in my group was today, so I won't have a chance to follow up with her on this, but I will try to be more assertive in finishing my point next time this happens as it surely will at some point in treatment or at work.

Oh and we had a speaker this evening who rambled and repeated himself saying recovery phrases and spent a lot of time on his drug/drunkalog throughout. Miss Dismissive also tried to cut him off, but he just kept right on going. See, I didn't mind her attempt at all with that dismissiveness.

I feel better now - thanks for reading.

Physically: Sleepy
Mentally: Taxed
Spiritually: Willing

Obladi

1. Message from my sober time app this morning: "When something bad happens you have three choices: You can let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you."

2. My middle daughter woke me this morning with a call just to say hi and we talked over the situation from IOP last night. She was compassionate and helpful as usual.

3. Logging on here, I found a private message from another member of the forum to continue a discussion we started on another thread. He sought to differ and clarify and I felt welcome to do the same.

"Is it odd or is it God?"

When messages come out of the blue in threes, I always pay attention. So I start this beautiful blue sky day with a light heart and a new commitment to keep working at righting my way of thinking (or at least the manner in which I express that).

Physically: Feeling well rested
Mentally: Clear
Spiritually: Paying attention

Praying for those in the path of hurricanes as well as for those living through their own losses wherever they may be.

SnazzyDresser

Obladi, this thread is awesome and so are you! I'll be following your progress, all the best to you.

Obladi

Thanks, Snazz! I appreciate that you say so. *blush*

Went for an eye exam this morning, as a new pair of glasses was long overdue. The nose pad was broken off when I had a physical altercation with my oldest daughter at Christmastime (cringe) and also I keep having to take them off to read and put them back on for everything else.

I absolutely hated the place I'd been going to, so looked for reviews online and found this guy that had 86 reviews and still had 5 stars. (Usually there's one in the crowd who brings the whole average down, right?) This doctor who insisted that I call him by his first name said that there was no way my current prescription could have ever been accurate. He recommended progressive lenses and promised that they could be replaced at no cost if they don't work out for me. What a nice experience because I cared enough to care for myself and not be treated poorly.

I didn't do much but read and post here for the rest of the day, but did rouse myself enough to empty the pantry of expired and unwanted items. That was something, anyhow.

Spoke with the EAP person today who advised that I would likely be able to return to work next week. *eek* Remember Blazing Saddles when Gene Wilder comes out of the hole in prison after like a month in there and he says, "Please, just one more week? I was just starting to really get into myself!" That's sort of how I feel.

IOP was alright tonight. The last hour of education is getting to be a snooze, but I'm hanging in there. We talked a lot in group about taking time to "do nothing" and I was like, "What's that?" I'm always doing something even when I say I'm not doing anything. A skill I will need to learn.

My counselor followed up with me a bit during check-in in regard to the upset last night. I told him I'd learned something and we could follow up later. Didn't happen, so I imagine we'll talk tomorrow.

Physically: Vitamins are a wonderful thing - why in the world did I ever stop taking them?
Mentally: At ease with a few whispers about things undone
Spiritually: Content with where I am

p.s. My daughter says I fight like a girl.

Obladi

Morning Meditation:
I receive and share
Love and joy

Last night, one of the guys said that he came to a realization one day that his God loved him right in that moment, no reservations, exactly how he was in that moment. This led him to understand that he should love himself the same way. I get that but I'm on the periphery at the moment, hesitant to let go of that well-worn blanket of insecurity and self-pity.

I am starting to get strong enough to absorb that although some people might not like me, there are others who think I'm pretty wonderful. The former can't help it - they just didn't take time to let me grow on them.

IOP will go down to three nights next week and I'm happy for that. Going back to work (if I am indeed released) will be a stressor in itself. I don't anticipate it will be bad, just an adjustment. I really am grateful for this time I was gifted to get my shtuff together. Inpatient and rehab had their good points and helped me to lay a foundation; being on my own devices at home has been reinforcing.

Speaking of which, I need to send that email to Team Obladi. Not sure if I've mentioned this before - feel free to ask if you're curious.

Physically: Doing well. Perhaps my back is aching because this desk chair is awful.
Mentally: Clear
Spiritually: Open and I think (!) perhaps honest

Obladi

Well and what a day it was after that beginning! I did finish up the email to my team - and sent it. And since I was on a roll, I called my "target" to ask her if she would sponsor me. She agreed and made sure I knew we weren't to be married - if it didn't work out for us, we'll break up and move on. Exactly what I'd expect from her and appreciate about her.

My first assignment is to write a list of all of the wrong things I've done. What it was, who it was with, and why. She cautioned me not to write more than an hour/day, so I did that and got up to around 20 years old. I didn't do much "bad" in my childhood, so am a bit intimidated to think how long this could go on. I'm told this is not the 4th step because it doesn't include resentments, but instead is to help me see how truly powerless I am. Trust the process...

Occupational Health called to tell me that I can come in to be cleared for work. So I made an appointment for 3pm Monday and called my boss who told me to come in Tuesday. To think eight weeks ago I was devastated not to have been released and now I'm not sure I'm ready. Oh I'm ready, I just prefer getting paid full time to work on my life.

Went to the pharmacy to drop off a script and got some self-care items as long as I was there. (What?? I don't do self-care.) Decided to cruise over to the grocery store to see what kind of deals I could find and found some good ones! Takes time to save money, don't it?

Dyed my hair (first time on my own) and cooked the bargain sausages I just picked up. Went to IOP and on the way home called one of my support people who was overdue. She needs support too, so that's cool.

I had a good experience with IOP tonight. Took a few minutes to follow up with Mr Heroin privately to tell him my intention the other night was to tell him that I could relate to his desire to get clean for his daughter and I'd tried the same thing. Also said I'd love to talk with him more at a later time before getting kicked out of the room because the men's session was starting. He gave me a hug and thanked me. Sweet.

We women talked mostly about shame and guilt around being alcoholics and the things we did when we were drunk. My perspective today is that (1) we should not be ashamed - we didn't choose this affliction and (2) while I will gladly take responsibility for taking the first drink, I don't feel entirely responsible (? not the right word) for what followed once I crossed that out-of-control line. I did not know what I was doing any more than someone in an Ambien sleep-walking episode knows what they're doing. Remorse? Yes. But I'm trying to do away with guilt because that just eats me up from the inside and does nothing good for the people I harmed. At least that's what I think today.

Physically: I feel well except for that I just ate too much chips and dip.
Mentally: Nothing hurts today, but I'm not counting on it staying that way
Spiritually: I feel I have a purpose and that's a blessing

Obladi

I am so grateful for the sleep I've been getting these last few weeks. Grateful too for the quiet and calm in my reclaimed home. This time has been so valuable, I hope to cherish the memory and continue to build on it for many years to come.

Did have a triggery moment last night at and/or after IOP. Maybe because it was Friday (like the day of the week ever made a difference to me - ha) or maybe because we were talking about relapse last thing in group. But you know what? The "why" didn't matter at all. I barely gave it a thought, and instead called one of my Team Obladi people on the way home.

Danged if I haven't maybe established a new healthy pattern. Calling people when I'm doing fine makes it much easier to call them when I'm iffy. Go, me!

Off to my favorite meeting!

Physically: I feel good - hungry, though.
Mentally: Synapses on full throttle; somewhat giddy
Spiritually: Happy, Content with where I am today

Obladi

Had a fine day. Moved the monster armchair up from the basement to the living room and now I feel my seating area is complete. Looks good! The meeting was sparsely attended because a parade was blocking off access to the street leading to the church. Resourceful and determined people made it. My sponsor chaired, so that was pretty cool.

After that, I realized I didn't "have" to do anything, so went shopping and found a few fairly inexpensive things to brighten my house a bit. Finished watching a movie I kept falling asleep on and now I'm ready for bed!

Physically: Sleepy
Mentally: Sleepy
Spiritually: Awake

fini

looks to me like you haven't etablished a new healthy pattern, dear Obladi, but several!!

it's great how you're keeping to your commitment to post daily....great for you on the follow- through and a pleasure for the rest of us to get to read.

Obladi

Oh fini, thanks so much for saying so. I'm not seeing the "several," but that's alright. I'm just gonna keep doing what I'm doing while figuring out how to fit work in around the edges.

Woke up around 0630 this morning and am happy about that. I've been letting my body do what it does as far as sleep goes and it seems that I need 8 hours of sleep. New habit to be formed: get to bed by 1030 every night so I have time to get out of the house by 0700. Morning posts will likely be very brief!

I did remember to give thanks this morning as I was getting out of bed. This is a first for me and I think I may try to use a poster or whiteboard or something to reinforce that habit I wish to form.

The Swami at this church I sometimes attend taught us to thank our God in advance for the blessings he/she will bestow. She assured us that God will come through as long as we aren't trying to control things with prayer. So here's my thanksgiving, which was intended as a 3rd step prayer but turns out to be a good morning meditation as well:

Dear (insert Name of HP here):
Thank you for filling me with gratitude, selflessness and love
Thank you for helping me to seek and realize the fullness of your presence
In all that surrounds and is within me

Physically: Feeling fine. Eager for those new glasses.
Mentally: A bit scattered
Spiritually: Calm

Namaste, y'all

Dropsie

Hey lady,

Update -- house reorganisation continues with vigour -- looking better by the day, and for once, it all seems very do able.

I am glued to the TV watching Irma's wrath. Grew up on Key Biscayne and have friends all over the State. Scared to death.

Thanks again for this thread.

XXX

Obladi

Heya, Dropsie,

Same for me on house stuff. I'm pretty much down to yucky behind the cupboards stuff and cleaning off the appliances. Still have my room to do but that will likely sit for a time as it looks fine and I don't spend time there aside from sleeping. Yay.

I'm about to go watch some more hurricane news but will try to keep it to a minimum as I tend to get caught up in disasters. Praying that your friends are safe!

O