Dropsie

Pictures are a great idea -- permission slips is mine, glad you like it.

I was looking for a video posted in the Media section and came across two things that will help stop me in my tracks the next time the little voice comes crawling -- the scariest was the Dr Phil segment with an alcoholic woman around 40 -- terrifying footage of her, can't even describe it.

And the second was Elizabeth Vargas interview with Diane Sawyer -- I don't care what anyone says, that took balls and she has helped so many people including me. Yes she is rich and privileged and beautiful and smart and on TV, but she also had her melt down in front of millions and came out and owned her addiction and what it to her, her family, etc. I was so impressed.

XXX

fini

"........sad and potentially tragic mistakes that you will not make, cause you too smart for that this time."

If smarts were the determining factor for ongoing sobriety, or not making mistakes, it would be very grim outlook for a lot of us. luckily, that's not the case.

Obladi

Oh, I see - thank you for clarifying fini. I agree - it doesn't take smarts but instead a fair amount of wisdom perhaps.

Dropsie, I've seen the Vargas interview a couple of times and I agree with you. Not familiar with the Dr Phil segment (not a fan), but I'll go look for it...

Obladi

Whelp, I took a left turn from doing kitchen stuff this morning as I noticed whilst sitting outside that my rental car had a dent on the passenger side front bumper. This is the car I have while my actual car is having it's front bumper replaced because it took a hit to the passenger side.

I called the rental agency to tell them about this and they said bring it in. Which I did, saying that I knew for sure I hadn't hit anything so either (a) someone backed into me or (b) the rental guy and I missed it when doing the walk-around due to the rain. I know in my bones the outcome will be (a). Ah well, what's another $500 to a sober woman?

I returned home and decided to figure out how to connect the tv to my little but nice portable speaker, then when successful thought I'd check out the Spotify that came up as an option. Clicked on a play list and it played 15 seconds of a song. Hmmm maybe I need to actually go into the playlist and start from there. Only 10 seconds this time. Huhn? Text message comes through from my youngest, "IF YOU ARE TRYING TO USE MY SPOTIFY PLEASE STOP." (Of course, I had no idea it was her account - what do I know from Spotify?)

So I stopped and instead went to a meeting. What with the car and the other car and the triggers at IOP and realizing I will likely be out for at least 2 1/2 more weeks and the daughter who currently despises me, I figured I was full up. That helped. It was kind of an old white lady club, but hey, I'm an oldish white lady so who's pointing fingers?

In the afternoon, the anxiety started creeping back in, so I called an AA pal who set me straight. AND I talked about all of this in IOP and it was good; the younger women talked about their relationships with their mothers (not so good) and it was helpful to hear their perspectives. So, I'm not drinking tonight and that seals the deal for this weekend. Awesome-sauce.

I did make a start on the kitchen when I got home just so I won't be faced with the same vista in the morning. Thinking that will be a good springboard.

Physically: Pretty good
Mentally: More clear
Spiritually: Grateful

Obladi

And so a new day dawns. I'm glad that I did not drink yesterday as I knew I would be. "Playing the tape through til the end" hasn't worked for me thus far, but I found a different technique.

My middle daughter did her last year and 1/2 of high school online. At the same time, she started doing daycare for a toddler. She saved the vast majority of that money and did the same once she got another job. Her goal was to buy a car. Once she had enough $, she found a good car at a very reasonable price. I took her to pick it up and the mechanic who was selling it asked if we could up the price because he'd put more into it then he had originally expected. My teenage daughter said, "I'm sorry, but I worked really hard for this money. If you are going to increase the price I'm going to need to walk away." WOW. I was floored at her confidence and assertiveness. He sold her the car for the original asking price.

So yesterday afternoon when I remembered this awesome moment, I started responding to the AV, "I'm sorry, but I worked hard for this sobriety and I'm not willing to give it up." Eventually I think I will have to reason to respond whatsoever to that little jerk of an addiction, but for the moment this works.

The clock is ticking so I'd best jump off to get ready to go to my favorite meeting!

Physically: Feeling well, morning headache dissapated
Mentally: Engaged
Spiritually: Willing

Obladi

Oh, and morning mantra:

I have reason to believe
There is a greater good in me

Mizzuno

Obladi,
You are doing so well. The focus and determination that you have found is quite amazing.

With each passing day of my own sobriety, I am finding a great amount of happiness and peace. I have structured myself in a way that doesn't allow for drinking as I dont want to feel terrible the next day. I have a running and workout routine 6 days a week. This routine does not have room for feeling like **** or weakening my system. Each run and each workout requires that I give it everything. Almost 6 months in this time.

Our brains are tricky little things, aren't they? I have not come this far to take the plunge into a place that is destructive. When I drink, I drink it all. I start to lose sight of who I am. My emotional state becomes faulty and I become someone who I don't recognize. I want to know who I am and recognize myself everyday. I do not want to live in regret and shame. Ive had enough of those feelings through out my life. I walk in comfort now. I know who is waking up in the morning and I know everything that was said and done the day before.

Onward and Upward, friend!

Obladi

Thanks, Mizz!

I spoke with middle daughter this morning and she was really pleased to hear that story about the car and how it helped me through a rough patch.

It seems that I neglected to write that I called my youngest to apologize after talking to my AA friend. She said, "You have to think how your daughter interpreted your text message about the stuff you've packed up for her. She heard you say 'Come and get your crap.'" I was resistant to the idea of apologizing because my motive was actually to be a helpful and decent mom, but after just a few minutes, I realized the truth of what AA pal said. So I called youngest right away, who actually picked up (!) and listened to my apology. She ended the call by saying, "OK, bye," but she listened. One small step for a mother, one pebble in the ocean that will send its ripples wherever it may.

I made a good start on the kitchen counters and appliances thereon today. Hands are kind of ripped up from the degreasing stuff and being in the water so much, but it's a small price to pay for how nice it is starting to look.

Favorite meeting was great, as usual. There were 55 people there (yes, I counted) including about ten people I really wanted to talk with and another dozen that I would like to get to know better. That is amazing progress for me in comparison to where I was even six months ago. Going to try a new (to me) meeting this evening. Just seems like the right thing to do.

The constant rain here isn't bothering me in the least, but I do feel for folks who had outside plans for the day. Isn't it always like this on Labor Day? I feel like it is...

Later, friends.

Obladi

The meeting was good and was also one of those where I feel like I wandered into a rural town instead of a metropolitan city. I think there were 10 of us total and 5 were new to the meeting.

Read the story beginning on 471, I believe, where we learn that our glasses are focused in the wrong direction (outward instead of inward), that acceptance is the key, and that "Nothing happens in God's world by mistake." I've always had a hard time with that last bit and said so. When the secretary spoke, he helped clarify for me. He said he always had a hard time with that too, but came to realize that there is a reason for everything. None of us wanted Houston to be decimated, but a storm formed in the ocean, weather events converged, and Houston is sunk. Simplistic? Maybe. But it was somewhat helpful to hear his take on it.

Also spoke with a couple of friends this evening and that was good too. I am working on putting away the niggling worry about two people who didn't call me back. They have lives too, you know.

Physically: Tired
Mentally: Much less anxious
Spiritually: Paying attention

Dropsie

Hey lady,

You sound great.

I am also not a Dr Phil fan. And this segment made me dislike him more. How could he allow this woman to do this to herself if front of national TV.?? What a bad guy.

But he is not on the segment I saw. It is just a tape of her in her home. Made me want to cry and just go find her and help her. I may force myself to watch her with him, but it made me so sad.

And to vow never to do that to myself again. Ever.

I can relate a lot to Elizabeth Vargas about my daughters. My youngest is 13 and does not really remember how bad it was, but my 24 year old sure does. And she is still angry. Even after so many years. She cloaks it in other things but she really has not forgiven me and maybe never will.

But for the first time, she is trying. Which is a big start. And I am grateful (until she hangs up on me).

XXX

fini

ja, that line is simply problematic
if nothing happened by mistake, it would mean everything were pre- ordained, including our mistakes.

personally, i don't think there is a reason for everything as much as obviously there is a cause for everything. and though i know what i mean by that distinction, i find it hard to put into words.

Obladi

Hey Dropsie! How goes the Battle of the Boxes?

I made an attempt to find the Dr Phil segment you referenced, then decided there is no reason for me to watch it. In the past, I would watch these things with a sort of morbid curiosity, thinking "Thank God, at least I wasn't that bad." I think now for me that this was putting a plank in the platform for drinking again.

A very big start, indeed. Does she hang up in anger or is she just done for now? I think if it's the latter, you are doing quite well. One of the things I've learned with my girls is that I need to be patient, respectful of them as their own persons, and to sort of "take what I can get" with our interactions. Even though they are now adults, they still need me to be their mom (even the hater needs that), but it's on a different level now. I'm sure you know this, just kind of talking to myself here.

Obladi

My dear fini, I've always prided myself on using the "correct" word to convey what I mean. But posting would take me forever if I tried to do that. I really love that you catch me in my words because it helps me to see what I say in the heat of the moment, so to speak.

I am an alcoholic because I enjoy the deep relaxation and escape of drunkenness.
I seek escape in a bottle because I don't know how to handle life on life's terms.
I don't know how to handle life because I never learned.
I never learned how to handle life because I was stewing in past hurts.
I wasn't able to handle those past hurts because I didn't know how and had no idea how deep they went.
I brought unwittingly brought some of that hurt upon myself.
My family was kind of messed up.
Because their families were kind of messed up.
And so on ans so forth.

Yes, that's what I meant - there is a cause for everything. And I think the intent or outcome of that sentence is to provide some peace and "permission" to move forward.

Mizzuno

You know, there comes a point in time when the adult children will need to understand that their parents were doing the best they could. When you know better, you do better. That being said, it does take a lot of time and a lot of inner work for ACOA to learn boundaries and to learn how to forgive.

I am still working on this with my mother who was a drug addict throughout my whole childhood. There is a lot of damage in the relationship due to no fault of my own. I have a distance that at times I appreciate and then there are times where I wish I could be more open and embrace the person that she is now

Forgiveness goes a long way. My own understanding with forgiveness is that it is not for the other person. It is so I can move freely in the world without carrying around so much anger and hurt.

This life is tricky. So much to learn.

Obladi

Alrighty then, good morning!

I fell asleep on the couch last night watching a documentary on Scientology. Woke up at 4am and took myself to bed so I wouldn't feel cheated out of a good night's sleep. I dreamed that I had returned to work and there was a dance I needed to participate in. I was worried because I hadn't been there for practice, but my only part was to lay on the floor with others to form some sort of human pattern. So that was alright. I was wearing this long shirt, and woke up after I heard my director say, "Put on some pants!" Dream analyzers, take it away!

Mantra:
Rest and abide
In the goodness of God
(Mother, Father, Light, Brahman, Grace, Elohim, Divine Providence, Allah, Nature, Lord, Yahweh, Baha, Aum...)

This last part is actually something I have started using in my meditation sometimes because of the difficulty I have with the name, "God." I can't describe what it is, but simply reciting all of the names I can think of whilst breathing is somehow unifying.

Physically: Feeling good aside from some tension in my upper back.
Mentally: Calm - need to look for the reason for that tension
Spiritually: Grateful for the gift of time to focus on recovery/discovery/reclamation.

Obladi

Mizz, thank you. My egocentric self responded, "Yes, yes, I've forgiven my mother and I understand she did the best she could." Honestly, I never thought there was anything to forgive because I held her on a pedestal of being "right" all of the time. Sometime in my 30s (?), I started seeing some of her human fallabilities. And I see now how she raised us caused some damage, at least to me. But it's ok - I see this with balance. She did the best she could.

Going with my id instead, I understand that my daughter is going to need time, space and perspective. As the person who caused harm, it is contingent on me to handle any communication with great care and balance. Respecting her, respecting the Obladi I am working to realize.

Does your mother know that you are trying to embrace her? Are you able to talk about that damage? In all honesty, I don't think I will ever let my mom in on some of the things that happened to me in childhood because I fear she would endure it like a soldier but it would rip her up on the insides. Maybe that's wrong, but that's why I have a therapist.

fini

And I think the intent or outcome of that sentence is to provide some peace and "permission" to move forward.

ah;
i wasn't taking issue with YOUR sentence, Obladi, but with the one you quoted, that nothing happens in God's world by mistake.
to me, the conclusion implied in it says that there is no coincidence, and that nothing happens randomly.
there are lots of people who believe that, but i am not one of them.
thank you for offering a different interpretation of the sentence...or of what you see as its intent.

grappling with the difference between cause and reason for has been ongoing for some time

for example: the cause of my dad being in the hospital is that the ambulance took him there.
the reason he is there is that he is ill.

when it comes to less-clear things, such as addictions or alcoholism, it's not so clear-cut.

just things swirling through my head.

you sound so good, O, and it's wonderful how you're moving fortward through various tensions and challenges!

Mizzuno

Without going into a whole long story....

I didn't speak with my mother for 10 years. Her actions, along with my bio-fathers actions, resulted in complete abandonment of the children that they brought into the world.

When my sister, 16 months older, was diagnosed with terminal cancer, that is when I made the call to my mother. I knew that no matter the damage that was created, we needed to come together and help my sister/ her daughter through the last years of her life.

My mother asked me "Are you only talking to me because your sister has been diagnosed with cancer?" My response was, "YES". I told her that we could start to resolve our issues and deal with what happened when the time was appropriate. It was not the time then and I put everything aside. When the time was right....... and appropriate.

My mother is very apologetic. My mother has an immense amount of regret. Who am I to keep opening up wounds? Does she deserve forgiveness? Yes. Does she deserve a chance? Yes.

She is also aware that I am now older and have lived my life without her since I was 12 years old. I have to take baby steps into our future together and have boundaries. Without all of that mess, I would not be who I am today. And, so I have to Thank her in some ways. I am a fiercely strong woman. I love this about me.

The thing about all of this is that my mother needed to show that she was willing to grow, to accept my hurt, to listen and to not run away when **** got real. She needed to acknowledge what took place and apologize. She needed to not sugar coat or make excuses. She did. And now we are moving forward.

Its a slow process. At this point in time, I do not bring all the heavy stuff up as its my own feelings and I do not want to hurt anyone. I don't want my mother to hurt anymore than she already has or does. People make mistakes. I am still alive and I am doing well. I give my self a lot of credit for this....and my belief in a power greater than my own.

I hope she knows I am working on it. .....
I can try to tell her in a gentle way!

I guess that was a long story....... ( that image is me getting carried away with thought)

Obladi

That was wonderful, Mizz. A good guide for anyone who has been wronged and seeks reconciliation.

Obladi

Wow, it's late!

Physically: Feeling fine
Mentally: Flagging
Spiritually: Orbit is moving toward alignment with HP