ScottFromWI

You were able to overcome your urges/desires to drink alcohol, which is also a sin in the way alcoholics drink. It's also a primal urge -the pleasure part of it anyway. Consider that your urges for sex might be exactly the same as your urges to drink. And you don't simply ignore them, you learn to live with them and cope.

BrendaChenowyth

I could stand to practice a little bit more discipline in where I allow my thoughts to go.. I could stand to get up and out of bed and in to the shower the FIRST time my alarm goes off in the morning, too.. If that went over your head, that's okay.

BrendaChenowyth

YES I am starting to feel like my desire for this man is my replacement addiction.

I guess the only real question is how to get over leaning on unhealthy things that make you feel good temporarily.. why do I get rid of one and adopt another?

paulokes

OK well straight to the point also.

You asked how do you fill the void of a person without moving on? You also specified you're talking about sexuality.

I guess the answer is pretty obvious - you can't

Many folks speak of sublimation...redirecting needs and energy like sexuality into other things...which can be extremely fulfilling and provide surprising benefits. Or not I guess that's for you to decide.

Human beings have a sexual nature. But they're not entirely defined by that one side of their nature. Putting that desire before everything else can be painful, right?

P

BrendaChenowyth

Believe me, I want it to shut the **** up and go away. Far from putting it above everything else..

Berrybean

Just interested in how you define a 'basic need' BC. Plenty of people seem to do fine without. Haven't heard many reports of them dropping down dead from insufficient sexual gratification I prison or monasteries or single sex senior boarding schools. I do, however, hear /read plenty of people full or shame and remorse from their conduct that was driven primarily by sexual desire without considering longer term implications, which left others emotionally damaged and feeling used or bewildered. Those implications can really threaten the quality (and sustainability ) of sobriety. Hope you'll look after yourself BC.

PS It wasn't so long ago that your AV was screaming that you needed alcohol.

paulokes

Back to Patrick Carnes...according to him overcontrol and compulsive behaviour are just flipsides of the same coin. The anorexic vs the bulimic. The alcoholic who does nothing except not drink. Or someone who tries to completely suppress or deny their sexuality or sexual feelings out of fear for it being out of control.

So yep...I agree, don't try to deny that part of yourself.

Denying feelings doesn't work. Sitting with feelings is painful. Sitting with feelings and not acting them out is very painful. Giving in and following old patterns often leads to the same old shame cycle.

So from the above options...I would go with sitting with feelings, learning and growing.

And I would reiterate all the points above about sublimation, and exploring other options like developing the capacity for true intimacy in platonic friendships.

P

ScottFromWI

I'd strongly suggest that you see an addicition counselor or therapist that specializes in addictive behavior. Or dive head first into a formal recovery program or group. I will say though that you can't usually "think" your way out of it on your own. Throwing all this out there on forum such as SR can be somewhat helpful, but to be brutally honest it seems like you are just spinning your wheels at times...which is fine too. But it won't solve the core issue. Perhaps your faith can guide you too..there is help in the church for that as well. I would be willing to bet that your priest or others in the church know of faith based resources/programs you could try out.

BrendaChenowyth

I know.. I am not sure what I hoped to find here..

Forward12

Really only you can decide what your plan of approach is on it. Many just casually date simply to have "needs" taken care of, former addicts and not by choice. Others just "take matters into their own hands" pun intended.

BrendaChenowyth

It is more about the person it ends up being focused on.. I want thoughts of that person to go away, and someone told me (and I agree) that sometimes the only way to remove that person from that position is to put someone new there.. And I have always done that.. and now I can't..

paulokes

This is nothing personal, I find your conversations interesting. But the discussion style is a classic..."Help me, help me...but you can't".

It's a trait of people with intimacy issues, trust issues and problems relating to others.

No offence is intended there...it is just blindingly a parent to me from discussions like this so it feels dishonest not to point that out.

I speak from personal experience, not from judgement

P

BrendaChenowyth

Anything that has to be prefaced with "nothing person but..."


I am not rejecting anyone's efforts to help or telling them they can't. I don't know what the answer is, and that's why I'm asking. But I do hear a lot of things that make it seem like I don't have a valid problem? Like I'm saying one thing and people are saying "Yeah but the real problem is that you..." it makes me feel slightly crazy..

Berrybean

Okay. If you were craving a drink I would say...

Check your HALTS
Play the tape forward - Right to the excruciating bits
Do a gratitude list
Go help a newcomer for a bit
Pray
Pray some more

Obsessions. Compulsions. Much of a muchness. Try it or not BC. We can only offer our own experiences. There are no rescuers. That's between you, yourself and God. Xx

BrendaChenowyth

Guys, I really am not here looking for a rescuer.

Aellyce

Well, the desire for sex (whether we simply mean the actual gratification or the more complex interaction process) is not all that mysterious. If you feel it's an unhealthy desire for you, the best may be addressing it somehow directly, like your alcohol problem. And if you think it's a normal need for you, maybe work towards creating the healthy context and relationship that would allow you to experience the form of it that you can do responsibly and satisfyingly.

paulokes

Hi! I disagree with the part in bold.

I also don't agree with the fact that people are telling you you don't have a valid problem. I understand that you feel invalidated.

I actually relate to the feelings you're talking about. As, I think do other people...so they share their experience or perspective.

From what I see...the overwhelming experience of others on this subject is that it's about intimacy, and how we relate to others. Like Scott said I benefitted greatly from exploring this kind of thing with counsellors, or with other people I trusted who had the ability to hear me, and real bona fide experience of going through similar problems and coming out the other side. You may or may not do but when you talk about stuff like this, I guess I feel that I want to share what I have learned and experienced along the way. Cos it's all about me, right

I certainly don't know what it's like to be you. But I can relate to many of the thoughts, issues and feelings you raise on here.

You're more comfortable giving advice than hearing it, right? And you're training to be a Nurse? Snap! See, we just might have more in common than you'd think.

I often feel like I post something on here and then regret it...like "No, no, no...you don't understand! I was just airing my thoughts, don't give me advice or patronise me!" An exaggeration but it goes something like that. It's crazy really, but at least I try to be aware that that's what happens for me.

For me, that's my personality and it's all been about trust, intimacy, misplaced pride, independence...for you it may be different

P

paulokes

^ Oh, and I'm still hankering after someone (two years after the fact) who really wasn't that good for me in truth. Some days I want them back, some days I want to go find someone else and some days I just sit with the feeling and try to be aware of what is really going on. I hear you, it's tough.

P

ScottFromWI

What exactly are you looking for? It's an honest question you need to ask yourself. We are a community focused on recovery of course, so what you suggest above is kind of like walking into a hospital and saying you don't need to see a doctor.

BrendaChenowyth

No, it isn't. You go in to a hospital for medical treatment. You come to support groups for support, not rescue. I'm just saying.