joshywaa718

I haven't posted here since I was very freshly sober, its good to be back. Not sure if I'm posting this in the right place but oh well.

Anyways, I will have 8 months sober next week which I am extremely proud of..... however I am struggling with moderate to severe depression and crippling anxiety.

The first 30 days of my sobriety were difficult but I got through them. From like 45 days - 4 months, I was on that "pink cloud" that I guess those in recovery call it. I was excited about life, optimistic, not anxious, etc.

I guess I just don't know what to do. I attend AA meetings weekly, am working the steps with a sponsor, co-chair an AA meeting weekly, exercise pretty rigorously every day, talk to other alcoholics....I feel like I'm doing so much to try and enjoy recovery and I'm just not...I feel so depressed and basically am feeling all the feelings that drove me to drink and drug in the first place. I feel like I have no reason to be unhappy. I have every reason to smile and be happy. My life is going in a good direction for the first time in 8 years. But yet...I'm so miserable.

I want it to get better and I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread. Did any of you feel like this around this time in your sobriety? If so, what..if any advice could you give me? Any reply is appreciated. Thank you.

Soberandhealthy

Welcome! Eight months is amazing again very well done.

How about seeing someone to treat you for depression and anxiety now that you have good sober time under your belt?

Please hang in there. Have you ever listened to AA speakers on YouTube?
I have and I remember there were some people who really struggle at 1 and 2 years with depression unhappiness anxiety and even suicidal thoughts. They keep going got medical attention or simply worked the steps again one even got a different sponsor all the way across the country. At the end they made it and all of them talk about that spiritual thing that is supposed to happen to you in AA.
Anyways please hang in there 8 months is amazing don't let them go.

Dee74

Hi Josh - good to see you

Maybe you need a Dr to help you with on-going depression and anxiety?
Have you considered seeing one?

D

Flyfisher125

Underlying anxiety and depression were things that contributed to my drinking. I take celexa daily for depression and see a big difference. Celexa isn't a risky drug either from what I've read. Also consider counseling. I was shocked how much that helped strip down reasons why I turn to the bottle and address issues from my past that i had suppressed with alcohol.

Madnellie

I could so easily have written that post myself, my experiences are so similar. I have a history of anxiety and depression and I take an anti-depressant every day for it. I'm at just over 7 months and the past month has been by far the worst during my sobriety. My timeline is almost identical to yours - a difficult first month followed by a few months of relative calm where I had some bad days but nothing like this. From talking to others and researching online I've learned about Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS), which seems to be quite common amongst recovering alcoholics and something that does improve with time. As others have said you should definitely talk to your doctor though, and consider counselling. I'm in AA and it helps me immensely but therapy has helped me just as much. It helps that my therapist is also a recovering alcoholic so she is very much up to date on all things recovery related and very understanding of the process. In my opinion it is a very good idea to seek medical help to get through this. Don't get me wrong, it's still absolute hell but I am at least learning tools to cope with these feelings and building up some resilience.
Everyone promises me that it does get better and this is just a part of the process, so I have faith it will all work out. Best of luck, and please do keep us updated

ScottFromWI

Glad you came back Josh. I too deal with anxiety and while it did improve after I quit drinking, it came back with a vengeance almost a year into my sobriety. I found that I had to seek specific help for it via therapy. Anxiety and Depression are both distinct, diagnosable conditions and they are VERY treatable. Sometimes with therapy and other cognitive techniques, sometimes with medication, sometimes both.

The biggest breakthrough for me has been accepting my Anxiety as something that is part of me, a lot like I did with my addiction. I also had to accept that there is no miracle pill or technique that will simply cure your anxiety immediately. It's an ongoing thing and while it requires effort to manage, it's very manageable. And it's very possible to live your life mostly free of the crippling/obtrusive anxious thoughts.

Some of the "tools" I use are mediation, the concept and practice of mindfulness, and reading. Exercise can help too so it's good that you are keeping up. I'd honestly suggest you see a therapist just to explore your options. I'd also tell you up front that you may need to try a therapist, or two or three, before you find one that you like.

heartcore

For me, the period from about 8 months to a year is very tricky, and I've lost my sobriety there a couple of times. Looking back (with my sober brain) I had an epiphany - I'm pulsing with energy in the beginning of sobriety, feeling gratified at being on track, hopeful at the changes that I'm making and that I can see happening in my body, emotional self, and practical life. But then...

it's just "a lot of work," and I start feeling like life is all self-improvement. My exuberance is weighed down with the lists, charts, plans that I consider my methods of self improvement. My schedule is heavy with the "virtuous" - meetings, exercise, journalling, sobriety studies. These are all things I enjoy, things I am proud of, elements of a healthy life for me. But they aren't throw your head back laughing fun...pirate fun...reckless fun... And I start to feel that around 8 months.

Now, using and drinking aren't all wild fun and games for me either, but I'm able to access that part of me more easily in my using life - the part that isn't virtuous and careful and conscious and bound inside lists/plans/necessary chores.

So, what I am learning to do is to ease up on my sober self. I still need days when I don't tidy the house, when I lie in bed with ice cream and a detective novel, where I spend time with old friends who make me laugh (but are not virtuous beings themselves), when I stay out too late on a work night dancing to live music. I just don't drink doing these things.

Mostly I turn off the "perfect meter" a bit. Being sober doesn't mean I have to be blindingly fit or that my home needs to smell like flowers or that everything I say makes sense. Being sober doesn't mean that I make good romance choices or that I enjoy getting to work on time every day. It just means that I'm sober.

So, for me, lightening up at about the 8 month mark and trying to just BE - as a sober person, but also still as myself, who is far from perfect and has more fun inside that imperfection than perfect me ever does - is key.

All that being said, there are brain chemical tendencies that are more vivid sober, so it's a good idea to consider getting evaluated for depression. I don't take any meds, but I have a sweet relationship with a therapist right now and it is helping me to grow immensely. It's one of my favorite aspects of my recovery. She has been instrumental in helping me to relax and just be myself.

ps/edit. I wrote earlier on another thread about how much I like being alone/quiet, which might seem like it doesn't match with my "yee-hah" imperfection joy, but being willing to happily isolate (sometimes for days) without feeling guilty is connected to allowing myself to just be me inside my recovery/sobriety.

tomsteve

im not sure if I read you say how long these feeling have been happening? has it been since 4 months?

what step ya on?
whats your sponsor say?

Gottalife

It sounds like you have been doing all the right things, yet the symptoms you describe are also those of the spiritual malady.

It is an easy thing to suggest you just go see the doctor and get some pills, but that can be a risky path. It is important to be sure of the diagnosis in order to get the appropriate treatment. Faced with a similar condition a few years ago, I did six or eight sessions with a clinical psychologist to try and find a cause for how I was feeling. Nothing was found and coincidentally as I got busy again with other alcoholics, the symptoms disappeared.

Tomsteve asked very relevant questions above about where you are at with the steps and your sponsor. I find life can go pretty well if I am living the program, but I can become blocked at times. This is nearly always because I am not doing something I should do or I am doing something I shouldn't.

Maybe I am keeping a secret, or maybe there is an amends I am refusing to make, but there is another level to do with our own personal values.

As a sober alcoholic, we sometimes say, we can do anything at all, except drink. It's not quite accurate. There are usually one or two other things we cannot do without paying a spiritual price. I cannot steal, I cannot procrastinate, I cannot betray friends, I cannot lie. Any one of these things can block me from the Power and I can get pretty miserable until I take action to clean up the mess and restore contact with the Power.

stillpooh19

YES!!!

So, I finally found a doctor who got it and this is what she taught me...

1) The down regulation of GABA is responsible for the crippling anxiety. It takes 6-24 months for the brain to naturally regenerate receptors and neurotransmitters.
2) Benzodiazapine and alcohol withdrawal are almost identical. There is another person here on SR that sent me to a benzo support forum that does a GREAT job explain the healing process.
3) Alcohol is a depressant so if you are naturally predisposed to depression, you will experience it while drinking. If you only started having these issues after ceasing alcohol, chance are they can be attributed to PAWS.
4) PAWS looks different for everybody. Some people will have continual symptoms and some will have symptoms come and go. Some will be more severe and last longer.
5) Vitamins and supplements are good, but they won't fix the problem. Only TIME really heals the brain. Though some things will make you a little more comfortable. She recommended I focus on minerals to allow the entire body to rebuild.
6) Magnesium helps! I got ReMag because it absorbs better. Us alcoholics are likely to have absorption issues. I put Epsom salts in my baths, especially on the morning when the anxiety is he highest.
7) Anti depressants help but since I did not have pre existing depression or anxiety she felt it may be better for me to try to recover with out them. Plus there was/is nothing going on in my life to be depressed or anxious about. She was concerned about having to wean off the AD's which can be just as difficult as recovering from the alcohol for SOME people. She will still write the script, I just decided to try to make it through.

There is another discussion here on SR that talks about PAWS maybe you should read it..."Those tortured by PAWS..."

Best wishes!

Mklove

Heart, you nailed it. Couldn't figure out why I felt some shame or guilt, all of a sudden I was expecting myself to be some pure, do-good, organized, eat healthy, fit person. Time for some of my old ways is okay, whole days reading, eating whatever.
Still, thanks for ideas and info on PAWS. Since I quit arthritis in legs painful, been adding Epsom to the bath not even knowing other benefits.
I like being sober.

ThreeBoxes

Before I developed a drinking problem, I went through two major depressive episodes and experienced anxiety and panic attacks since about the age of 24.

This might be an issue unrelated to alcohol and I recommend you see a doctor based on my past experience.

Hope you can start to feel better, as depression is truly terrible. Best of luck to you.

johnyacclane

How are you doing these days?

stillpooh19

I am about 22 months sober and doing FANTASTIC! No anti depressants or anti anxiety meds. My anxiety was so crippling that I couldnt exercise and still havent really engaged much. I am back to work and feeling really good about life! A big turn around from a year ago! We really do heal if we stay the course.