Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XIX: "Back in Black ...and White"
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Good Lord. We a mess! ...a mess!! 
But at least we in it together. I know we all got different issues and such. I want to be constructive in this thread and figure out ways each one of us can move forward, feel better, change bad situations, even if just tiny sliver bit. That my hope for all of us.
But at least we in it together. I know we all got different issues and such. I want to be constructive in this thread and figure out ways each one of us can move forward, feel better, change bad situations, even if just tiny sliver bit. That my hope for all of us.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
If I had no ld, I could at least go to a real college or be able to do something to get myself out of a bad spot. But when it happens I can't. As it is I haven't had my own place or a real job/ full time job that I didn't crash and burn at in 8 years. Eight years is a long time and certainly at 40- some odd years of age not too fun.
This is what keeps me up at night and I wonder if this is a ptsd thing. Where I am laying in bed trying to sleep and things that were said to me in the past or things that happened to me- like when a boss called me an idiot or like when i was almost laughed out of the office applying for grad school) float to the surface the minute I relax and I swear and promise you all I am not doing it on purpose it just happens. And then I just feel bad about myself going "Yep you tried to progress in life but joke's on you".
This is what keeps me up at night and I wonder if this is a ptsd thing. Where I am laying in bed trying to sleep and things that were said to me in the past or things that happened to me- like when a boss called me an idiot or like when i was almost laughed out of the office applying for grad school) float to the surface the minute I relax and I swear and promise you all I am not doing it on purpose it just happens. And then I just feel bad about myself going "Yep you tried to progress in life but joke's on you".
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
I've struggled with a lot of the same things too. A lot of financial troubles, very little food and no job, no money coming in. I have a hard time with a lot of decisions I've made in my life, not just around drinking. But sometimes I feel just plain stupid and unworthy. Either I don't deserve the good things I've had or I've been so grossly taken advantage of that I feel like an utter (udder?) Fool.
I'm one step away from losing everything all the time and I have nothing concrete or certain right now. I do know I have my Sr friends. A roof over my head. I'm breathing. My kids are alive and well. And I'm kind of sober. I think. Right now I am ok and that's good enough for now. I've had a lot of not ok moments both drinking and sober so I'll gratefully accept it.
Sleepie I too hope you can find those little peaceful moments of ok-Ness. You sound much more self assured and intelligent in your thoughtful words, than I think you give yourself credit for? You deserve to be treated kindly... and to treat yourself kindly.
I'm one step away from losing everything all the time and I have nothing concrete or certain right now. I do know I have my Sr friends. A roof over my head. I'm breathing. My kids are alive and well. And I'm kind of sober. I think. Right now I am ok and that's good enough for now. I've had a lot of not ok moments both drinking and sober so I'll gratefully accept it.
Sleepie I too hope you can find those little peaceful moments of ok-Ness. You sound much more self assured and intelligent in your thoughtful words, than I think you give yourself credit for? You deserve to be treated kindly... and to treat yourself kindly.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
You are not a joke sleepie. I struggle with super bad anxiety with horrible thoughts that are like running on the hamster wheel of death. Sometimes I fear the shame will eat me up from my drinking days and I have a hard time leaving my house too.
Don't give up though. Is there a way of working at stopping the negative past thoughts?
Don't give up though. Is there a way of working at stopping the negative past thoughts?
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Congratulations, Hawkeye! I can't express enough how happy I am for you!!! Please, any time, let me know if you need a word or hug. 
Sleepie, why are you keeping those valium around? Reminds me of when I quit the first time, which was a serious quit, more than 1 year, but still it didn't take, and one of the things was there was alcohol in my house, and I flirted with it in my mind and physically -- even taking it out & looking at it, smelling it. These are obviously not forgotten pills of yours. Why don't you flush them now?
As for drinking, being over with drinking and using is the first intentional and sane decision I've ever made in my life, and I have the ability to make the same decision every day. Why do you who keep making the wrong decision -- why do you think you do it?
Lately, I consider it partly a question of who I give power to. The world can be a ratty, abusive, mean and vile place. The worst often rule through ruthlessness and brute force. We can be sheep, or resist but weakly -- either way we end up nursing ourselves through a miserable existence with television, cheetos, gin, and weed.
Or we can live as well & kindly & beautifully as we can, independent of all of that. There's a lot to be said (channeling Lenina) for folding something properly, or cleaning a gutter. Create order, simplify, leave something straighter than you found it. And sleepie, you may disagree, but I think there's something moral about drawing. Maybe if you draw again, no matter what it is, you'll feel better about your sobriety?
Sleepie, why are you keeping those valium around? Reminds me of when I quit the first time, which was a serious quit, more than 1 year, but still it didn't take, and one of the things was there was alcohol in my house, and I flirted with it in my mind and physically -- even taking it out & looking at it, smelling it. These are obviously not forgotten pills of yours. Why don't you flush them now?
As for drinking, being over with drinking and using is the first intentional and sane decision I've ever made in my life, and I have the ability to make the same decision every day. Why do you who keep making the wrong decision -- why do you think you do it?
Lately, I consider it partly a question of who I give power to. The world can be a ratty, abusive, mean and vile place. The worst often rule through ruthlessness and brute force. We can be sheep, or resist but weakly -- either way we end up nursing ourselves through a miserable existence with television, cheetos, gin, and weed.
Or we can live as well & kindly & beautifully as we can, independent of all of that. There's a lot to be said (channeling Lenina) for folding something properly, or cleaning a gutter. Create order, simplify, leave something straighter than you found it. And sleepie, you may disagree, but I think there's something moral about drawing. Maybe if you draw again, no matter what it is, you'll feel better about your sobriety?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
What's moral about drawing?
I have the pills because I am deathly afraid of withdrawals, like they might come back someday. I have only two 2mg pills so you probably know they may as well be a couple of m&m's but they act as a security blanket.
I have the pills because I am deathly afraid of withdrawals, like they might come back someday. I have only two 2mg pills so you probably know they may as well be a couple of m&m's but they act as a security blanket.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,432
I think bunny said it much better than I could, but every word I agree with.
I do strive to live more beautifully, and kindly, and to learn from Life
instead of drunk and numbing my way through it.
On its own terms, yes, Life can be hard but, to quote a poem,
"Lucky Life
isn't one long string of horrors, and there are moments of peace and clarity
as I lie between the blows"
and I appreciate and enjoy those moments however fleeting.
I also stay sober because I really do know now I can't drink in moderation,
so continuing to drink will destroy my life and ultimately kill me.
That isn't what I want.
Like Cow says--I want to live.
I am bringing some small improvements and order
to my tiny part of the Universe, and working on finding
peace and insight in body and soul.
This past month I've been singing songs and spending time
with my dying cat, just petting her and telling her she matters to me.
Not going to change the world, but perhaps me being present
and not numb has opened my leathery heart a bit more to its tender self.
I witnessed the coyotes singing and the smell of the Wisteria under a
star-sown night sky just now, and that is a mental drawing I put away
in my box of memories.
I suppose that may be what Courage is getting at with you drawing as a moral act sleepie.
You honor your inner self by recording how life reflects itself on you, and you it.
That's the highest form of morality I've found yet--
I do strive to live more beautifully, and kindly, and to learn from Life
instead of drunk and numbing my way through it.
On its own terms, yes, Life can be hard but, to quote a poem,
"Lucky Life
isn't one long string of horrors, and there are moments of peace and clarity
as I lie between the blows"
and I appreciate and enjoy those moments however fleeting.
I also stay sober because I really do know now I can't drink in moderation,
so continuing to drink will destroy my life and ultimately kill me.
That isn't what I want.
Like Cow says--I want to live.
I am bringing some small improvements and order
to my tiny part of the Universe, and working on finding
peace and insight in body and soul.
This past month I've been singing songs and spending time
with my dying cat, just petting her and telling her she matters to me.
Not going to change the world, but perhaps me being present
and not numb has opened my leathery heart a bit more to its tender self.
I witnessed the coyotes singing and the smell of the Wisteria under a
star-sown night sky just now, and that is a mental drawing I put away
in my box of memories.
I suppose that may be what Courage is getting at with you drawing as a moral act sleepie.
You honor your inner self by recording how life reflects itself on you, and you it.
That's the highest form of morality I've found yet--
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,044
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 
I
I suppose that may be what Courage is getting at with you drawing as a moral act sleepie.
You honor your inner self by recording how life reflects itself on you, and you it.
That's the highest form of morality I've found yet--
I suppose that may be what Courage is getting at with you drawing as a moral act sleepie.
You honor your inner self by recording how life reflects itself on you, and you it.
That's the highest form of morality I've found yet--
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
I get the security blanket part. I really do.
Here's my cons of drinking list in no particular order :
I'm tired
My pancreas hurts
My gallbladder hurts
My liver hurts
My stomach hurts
My throat hurts
My mouth hurts
My butt hurts (sorry)
I lost all my sober work
Lost my self respect
Showed every one they were right about everything that's wrong with me
I let myself down
I let my kids down
I spent money I couldn't afford
I put myself in dangerous situations
I'm dehydrated
I'm not excited about anything
I obsess about drinkingnotdrinkinghowmanydrinksdidihave
I hide it
I obsess about covering it up and hiding my tracks
I worry about getting into trouble
I worry about getting kicked out
I worry my kids will never talk to me again
I worry I will lose every last real life friend
I worry I'll lose my job before I even start it
I find drinking paraphernalia hidden everywhere
I can't look people in the eyes
I lie as easily as I breathe
I have no ambition
My cheeks are puffy
My eyes are red with purple bags
My face is breaking out
My hands shake and are purple
It doesn't taste as good as I think I remember
My breath stinks
My whole attitude stinks.
My anxiety keeps shooting the roof
And this all drags out long after the microscope pause that the first drink or bender put on my life.
Pros to drinking:
Everything stops for a second and nothing else matters.
For one. Damn. Moment in time.
SO not worth it.
Here's my cons of drinking list in no particular order :
I'm tired
My pancreas hurts
My gallbladder hurts
My liver hurts
My stomach hurts
My throat hurts
My mouth hurts
My butt hurts (sorry)
I lost all my sober work
Lost my self respect
Showed every one they were right about everything that's wrong with me
I let myself down
I let my kids down
I spent money I couldn't afford
I put myself in dangerous situations
I'm dehydrated
I'm not excited about anything
I obsess about drinkingnotdrinkinghowmanydrinksdidihave
I hide it
I obsess about covering it up and hiding my tracks
I worry about getting into trouble
I worry about getting kicked out
I worry my kids will never talk to me again
I worry I will lose every last real life friend
I worry I'll lose my job before I even start it
I find drinking paraphernalia hidden everywhere
I can't look people in the eyes
I lie as easily as I breathe
I have no ambition
My cheeks are puffy
My eyes are red with purple bags
My face is breaking out
My hands shake and are purple
It doesn't taste as good as I think I remember
My breath stinks
My whole attitude stinks.
My anxiety keeps shooting the roof
And this all drags out long after the microscope pause that the first drink or bender put on my life.
Pros to drinking:
Everything stops for a second and nothing else matters.
For one. Damn. Moment in time.
SO not worth it.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Hi Hawk, good to see you doing so well!
Liza, I got rid of all my alcohols yesterday (by drinking it). It was maintenance drinking. But I quit around 5ish I think. I put bottle in the bin and even take bin out to dumpster so it out my house. Today miserable, but brain was not crazytown for alcohols. So that good fortune. But also today, when I trying to put dishes in washer, there was 2 Splendas on the counter. Is only one reason I use Splendas -coffee- so I picks them up and crunch them in my fist and ... ... put them back down on counter. Ay yi yi. I gonna has to flush my Splendas down the toilet like a Goddamn junkie! It be funny if it not true. ...okay it still kind of funny.
Liza, I got rid of all my alcohols yesterday (by drinking it). It was maintenance drinking. But I quit around 5ish I think. I put bottle in the bin and even take bin out to dumpster so it out my house. Today miserable, but brain was not crazytown for alcohols. So that good fortune. But also today, when I trying to put dishes in washer, there was 2 Splendas on the counter. Is only one reason I use Splendas -coffee- so I picks them up and crunch them in my fist and ... ... put them back down on counter. Ay yi yi. I gonna has to flush my Splendas down the toilet like a Goddamn junkie! It be funny if it not true. ...okay it still kind of funny.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Lol Cow you do crack me up. I admire your humour even if you are having tough times. I'm trying for 24 tomorrow, tapering too.
I do not know why I do this to myself. It was not in the least bit enjoyable.
I do not know why I do this to myself. It was not in the least bit enjoyable.
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