Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XIX: "Back in Black ...and White"
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Well, I make it a week! … … and then I drank.
WHY? WHY COW?! Oh Kittens, alls I can say is, after gutting out incredible torturous week, my mania swell even greater on Friday afternoon, and I simply not could endure any more. Can only describe it as to feel like a balloon with so much air it gonna burst, but still more air coming in! Was not about cravings or wanting to use or thinking booze would be good times. I just need brain to stop with the mania. Was not “mind” was brain. I need to make this very clear. Lot of peoples think is stress or addictive voice or improper thinking or cravings. Was not that. I deliberate chose to self-medicate my mania with alcohol, because I could not stand it. (And yes, I try many other measures first, including some benzo.)
I not want to say too much more today, because while alcohol put me out last night, I wake up STILL MANIC. Is all I can do to keep self alive today. I really really can’t stand it. But I guess I will. And you know, I total appreciate that everybody here try they best to be helpful with suggestions, but, if I may, I really not want any more suggestion right now. It just feel to me like if you walk up to schizophrenic talking to self on street and say, “Have you try to meditate or make gratitude list or take shower!” (Hi Lenina!
).
I hope that not offend you, Sweet Peas. I adores you all so much. (And I has make plenty of suggestion to others my self.) To be honest, I actual had no intentions to come back to SR until I had 30 day sober. But little scamp name Sleepies implore me not to isolate, so I come back knowing I still on shaky ground. And, at end of day, I glad to be back, cuz I has miss you guys. And I not going away again cuz of this.
Okay, so I not on huge bender or anything. Was 2 bottle of wine. And since it not even really work but for to put me to sleep for one night, I guess it not really effective against this hideous mania. I doing research fast as I can to figure out how to deal with bi-polar as someone who cannot tolerate medications/supplements. I really doing my best, okay?
Hope you is all going well. ~Moo Mwah
WHY? WHY COW?! Oh Kittens, alls I can say is, after gutting out incredible torturous week, my mania swell even greater on Friday afternoon, and I simply not could endure any more. Can only describe it as to feel like a balloon with so much air it gonna burst, but still more air coming in! Was not about cravings or wanting to use or thinking booze would be good times. I just need brain to stop with the mania. Was not “mind” was brain. I need to make this very clear. Lot of peoples think is stress or addictive voice or improper thinking or cravings. Was not that. I deliberate chose to self-medicate my mania with alcohol, because I could not stand it. (And yes, I try many other measures first, including some benzo.)
I not want to say too much more today, because while alcohol put me out last night, I wake up STILL MANIC. Is all I can do to keep self alive today. I really really can’t stand it. But I guess I will. And you know, I total appreciate that everybody here try they best to be helpful with suggestions, but, if I may, I really not want any more suggestion right now. It just feel to me like if you walk up to schizophrenic talking to self on street and say, “Have you try to meditate or make gratitude list or take shower!” (Hi Lenina!
). I hope that not offend you, Sweet Peas. I adores you all so much. (And I has make plenty of suggestion to others my self.) To be honest, I actual had no intentions to come back to SR until I had 30 day sober. But little scamp name Sleepies implore me not to isolate, so I come back knowing I still on shaky ground. And, at end of day, I glad to be back, cuz I has miss you guys. And I not going away again cuz of this.
Okay, so I not on huge bender or anything. Was 2 bottle of wine. And since it not even really work but for to put me to sleep for one night, I guess it not really effective against this hideous mania. I doing research fast as I can to figure out how to deal with bi-polar as someone who cannot tolerate medications/supplements. I really doing my best, okay?
Hope you is all going well. ~Moo Mwah
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Alright, thanks for checking in Cow 
Well the way I see it you got a week and that's great. It's a pretty tough challenge to find a non med way to treat a condition that pretty much requires meds... unfortunately as maddening as it probably is for you I am selfishly glad that alcohol no longer relieves this. Sorry Cow...
Now maybe we can at least distract you well enough to get to that 30 day mark?
Well the way I see it you got a week and that's great. It's a pretty tough challenge to find a non med way to treat a condition that pretty much requires meds... unfortunately as maddening as it probably is for you I am selfishly glad that alcohol no longer relieves this. Sorry Cow...
Now maybe we can at least distract you well enough to get to that 30 day mark?
Formerly ScrewdUpInDe
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: In the Nightmare in my head
Posts: 5,329
If I may join in here, I'm sorry to hear the struggles you're having Cow. I hope you can find something that helps.
You don't have to be sober to be here, these people care about you and want to support you any way they can.
Best wishes
You don't have to be sober to be here, these people care about you and want to support you any way they can.
Best wishes
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Thank you guys. I very disraught earlier. Not cuz I drank. I just obsessing about ending my life. I not going to. I just obsessing about it. Little while ago I was able to cry for first time since I go all CrazyCow manic. That good, little bit relief. I just gonna ride out couple more hour and then hope sleeping pill put me out. All day today, even though I atheist, I was leaning on my Catholic roots, just say over and over: "Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy." ...Man, could I use some mercy.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
What can you do when you feel this way? Reach out here... do not isolate. And thank you for respecting that request.
You are so appreciated here Cow, and very loved. And I wish you get some mercy too. Some happiness even.
You are so appreciated here Cow, and very loved. And I wish you get some mercy too. Some happiness even.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
I never this bad before, Sleepies. I try everything. Nothing work. Is nothing I can do. I think I having first episode of acute and long lasting mania. Doctor want to put me on anti-psychotic, but it say no good for people with seizure disorder and I not even gonna take it, cuz I will lose my shht like with all the other meds. I gonna has to do lot of research to try and help self.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
They just keep want me to try pill after pill plus more pill to counteract first pill and other pill to counteract pill that counteracting first pill and so on and so on. They not care if each time it make my seizure disorder worse and is living hell for me. I gonna has a cup of tea.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
No suggestions from me, dear Cow.
But I do want to say how much I admire you: on numerous fronts, but in this instance, on having to manage your mental illness (and a severe one) without meds.
Very recently, rehab and my GP wanted to get me to a psychiatrist for evaluation for new or even additional meds (been on medium size dose of Paroxetine (chronic anxiety and depression) for like, 10 or more years, and actually want off it but too scared). I say no to them. Can't cope with side effects of any meds.
xx Vic
But I do want to say how much I admire you: on numerous fronts, but in this instance, on having to manage your mental illness (and a severe one) without meds.
Very recently, rehab and my GP wanted to get me to a psychiatrist for evaluation for new or even additional meds (been on medium size dose of Paroxetine (chronic anxiety and depression) for like, 10 or more years, and actually want off it but too scared). I say no to them. Can't cope with side effects of any meds.
xx Vic
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
((((Cow)))
I sent you the name and number with a review of a doctor who might, maybe, be able to help you. I've seen him myself. He doesn't require showers or meditation, I think you will like him. Please talk to him, OK?
Much love from Lenina
I sent you the name and number with a review of a doctor who might, maybe, be able to help you. I've seen him myself. He doesn't require showers or meditation, I think you will like him. Please talk to him, OK?
Much love from Lenina
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Cow,
remember that time a couple of years back, when you said you'd commit to inpatient rehab if you couldn't do it by yourself this time?
'this time' then was about a couple of hundred couldn't-do-it-times ago now.
longterm help in a secure non-alcohol-available environment , where meds and countermeds and mania and reactions can also possibly be eased seems to present the only option of giving you a space, a safe breathing room to get some stability.
I gonna has to do lot of research to try and help self.
let others. this route of helping yourself this way has not worked for you. you've valiantly done that over and over.
the best way to help yourself right now is to let others.
remember that time a couple of years back, when you said you'd commit to inpatient rehab if you couldn't do it by yourself this time?
'this time' then was about a couple of hundred couldn't-do-it-times ago now.
longterm help in a secure non-alcohol-available environment , where meds and countermeds and mania and reactions can also possibly be eased seems to present the only option of giving you a space, a safe breathing room to get some stability.
I gonna has to do lot of research to try and help self.
let others. this route of helping yourself this way has not worked for you. you've valiantly done that over and over.
the best way to help yourself right now is to let others.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,042
Good day Cow, though likely it's not too good in your head, but I expect that being April and all in your neck of the woods it's fairly lovely outside your head.
I feel for you. The whole bipolar cycle is just exhausting. When I was young & naive I thought the manic part was the real, powerful, wonderful me and when I was depressed it was the fault of the world keeping me from being me. Then later I could tell that the manic episodes started out lively & fascinating but had a level to them that appalled ordinary people. And then they started to appall and scare me. Not to mention the depressive periods, which for me predominated by the time I got help. All exacerbated by alcohol.
I hope you're not isolated. Someone who knows you should see you or talk to you every day.
I'm slowly getting better. I have no enthusiasm for anything at all-- everything is flat and unappealing -- but I expect that's just the remnants of the flu.
There's a very lovely dogwood in a courtyard below my office window.
I feel for you. The whole bipolar cycle is just exhausting. When I was young & naive I thought the manic part was the real, powerful, wonderful me and when I was depressed it was the fault of the world keeping me from being me. Then later I could tell that the manic episodes started out lively & fascinating but had a level to them that appalled ordinary people. And then they started to appall and scare me. Not to mention the depressive periods, which for me predominated by the time I got help. All exacerbated by alcohol.
I hope you're not isolated. Someone who knows you should see you or talk to you every day.
I'm slowly getting better. I have no enthusiasm for anything at all-- everything is flat and unappealing -- but I expect that's just the remnants of the flu.
There's a very lovely dogwood in a courtyard below my office window.
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