Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XIX: "Back in Black ...and White"
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XIX: "Back in Black ...and White"
Well, first the BLACK:
I been nonstop back on my hamster wheel of very severe depressions, stimulants, mania, drinking. Total disregard for own life, total isolation and detachment from everyone. Extreme anhedonia. Got into a bit of bi-polar alcoholic psychosis where my behavior and thinking completely irrational and delusional. Day time waking blackouts. Very creepy.
Just other day it dawn on me that I far, far sicker than I ever allow self to realize. I mean, I knew I sick, but I always able to get jobs done and “present” self as capable, and, in some way, I think I buy into my own mask. So, had that realization of: Damn dude, you seriously mentally ill. ...Crap.
That not change anything though. Then got to point where I really wanting to end life. Not think I ever gonna change and no treatment ever gonna help. Is not for lack of trying. But, not all people is fixable, you know? Sad but true. I thinking it FUBAR for me.
Couple week ago, very spiritual friend of mine (who is one I can still be total honest with) tell me that is okay with her if I want to "transition" to next phase. I tell her, I not believe in “next phase.” I believe is ashes to ashes, stardust to stardust. My atoms maybe go on to become all manner of other things, but I not believe consciousness survive death. I tell her that I not really afraid of death, is just that, well, dammit, since I here in this life against all odds, I just really want my day in the sun, you know? Just one Goddamn day. Doesn't even has to be whole 24 hour. Just little sliver of time where I feel satisfied with this whole human experience thing.
Was good talk, but it not change anything. Started to realize I becoming super incapable of tolerating mood states that was coming over me. I was at end limits of coping. Of what I could endure. The using was make me truly unhinged and dangerous. I knew one of this times was gonna be last time, and I was losing control over making that decision. In conclusion: Shht gettin’ real.
Now the WHITE:
I gonna choose to live, however heinous it may be. I gonna suck it up. And I make promise with my friend Sleepies to stop isolating, so here I is, Gumdrops. Oh, and I quit all substances effective immediately.
But wait, where is the GRAY?
Is no gray. I got no gray left. As Yoda say, “Do or do not.” I got no more tries in me. Jesus God, this gonna suck. Please bears with me if I grumpy grouchy cow.
I does hope I still has a certain turtle in my corner. Even though it maybe take him long time to even get to my corner cuz turtles move so very slow.
Okay, I think is enough verbosity for now. How is you all going?
I been nonstop back on my hamster wheel of very severe depressions, stimulants, mania, drinking. Total disregard for own life, total isolation and detachment from everyone. Extreme anhedonia. Got into a bit of bi-polar alcoholic psychosis where my behavior and thinking completely irrational and delusional. Day time waking blackouts. Very creepy.
Just other day it dawn on me that I far, far sicker than I ever allow self to realize. I mean, I knew I sick, but I always able to get jobs done and “present” self as capable, and, in some way, I think I buy into my own mask. So, had that realization of: Damn dude, you seriously mentally ill. ...Crap.
That not change anything though. Then got to point where I really wanting to end life. Not think I ever gonna change and no treatment ever gonna help. Is not for lack of trying. But, not all people is fixable, you know? Sad but true. I thinking it FUBAR for me.
Couple week ago, very spiritual friend of mine (who is one I can still be total honest with) tell me that is okay with her if I want to "transition" to next phase. I tell her, I not believe in “next phase.” I believe is ashes to ashes, stardust to stardust. My atoms maybe go on to become all manner of other things, but I not believe consciousness survive death. I tell her that I not really afraid of death, is just that, well, dammit, since I here in this life against all odds, I just really want my day in the sun, you know? Just one Goddamn day. Doesn't even has to be whole 24 hour. Just little sliver of time where I feel satisfied with this whole human experience thing.
Was good talk, but it not change anything. Started to realize I becoming super incapable of tolerating mood states that was coming over me. I was at end limits of coping. Of what I could endure. The using was make me truly unhinged and dangerous. I knew one of this times was gonna be last time, and I was losing control over making that decision. In conclusion: Shht gettin’ real.
Now the WHITE:
I gonna choose to live, however heinous it may be. I gonna suck it up. And I make promise with my friend Sleepies to stop isolating, so here I is, Gumdrops. Oh, and I quit all substances effective immediately.
But wait, where is the GRAY?
Is no gray. I got no gray left. As Yoda say, “Do or do not.” I got no more tries in me. Jesus God, this gonna suck. Please bears with me if I grumpy grouchy cow.
I does hope I still has a certain turtle in my corner. Even though it maybe take him long time to even get to my corner cuz turtles move so very slow.
Okay, I think is enough verbosity for now. How is you all going?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 205,677
I'm sorry you're still struggling but I'm glad you're back Cow 
It will most likely be a hard road, but it's the only road out of where you've been, Cow.
welcome back
D
I gonna choose to live, however heinous it may be. I gonna suck it up. And I make promise with my friend Sleepies to stop isolating, so here I is, Gumdrops. Oh, and I quit all substances effective immediately.
welcome back
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Georgia
Posts: 710
Oh God Cow. I knew you were in a dark place when you went quiet.
I am not always very good at expressing myself on here, but I want to convey to you that I think you are pretty damn tough to weather that sh*t storm and come out the other side.
We will be here for you.
As for that turtle, no worries...he loves you unconditionally, as he has said, so he'll be here by and by.
As for me..just dealing with financial issues and some health problems that Mr. Crout is having. I'm too old for this never ending stress. It's wearing me out.
I am not always very good at expressing myself on here, but I want to convey to you that I think you are pretty damn tough to weather that sh*t storm and come out the other side.
We will be here for you.
As for that turtle, no worries...he loves you unconditionally, as he has said, so he'll be here by and by.
As for me..just dealing with financial issues and some health problems that Mr. Crout is having. I'm too old for this never ending stress. It's wearing me out.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Ok look what are we going to do to get you not to revert back to those substances?
What can you do instead... I am curious also what is it that drives you to it?
The breaking point. That's what we need (but emphasis on you) to get you through.
Yeah! I get it. So what would a day in the sun have then?
Sorry to go all 20 questions on you...
What can you do instead... I am curious also what is it that drives you to it?
The breaking point. That's what we need (but emphasis on you) to get you through.
I just really want my day in the sun, you know? Just one Goddamn day
Sorry to go all 20 questions on you...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: middle of nowhere
Posts: 2,849
Cow... I have been watching you from afar. Until you were gone...
I'm glad to see you back too.
My friend I extend you a hand. What's one more friend at your side in dark times hey? I get where you're at.
Might I just say... I see you there, standing in the sun. How about we turn around together so we're not always looking in the shadows and face the sun and all it has to offer? Night might come and clouds will come and go... but the sun will always be there. Waiting for us to turn our face towards it and feels it warmth.
It was a great summer novel. Please don't stray too far Cow. You matter to this herd.
I'm glad to see you back too.
My friend I extend you a hand. What's one more friend at your side in dark times hey? I get where you're at.
Might I just say... I see you there, standing in the sun. How about we turn around together so we're not always looking in the shadows and face the sun and all it has to offer? Night might come and clouds will come and go... but the sun will always be there. Waiting for us to turn our face towards it and feels it warmth.
It was a great summer novel. Please don't stray too far Cow. You matter to this herd.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 10,894
Originally Posted by Cow 
I does hope I still has a certain turtle in my corner. Even though it maybe take him long time to even get to my corner cuz turtles move so very slow.
To wonder if I am on your side in these battles we face is an insult.
I'm glad you're back.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Is like I said Sleepies, I just wish to feel satisfied about being alive. Like, it just a nice thing. Like, it okay, maybe good even. I not think it unreasonable tall order, but so far, I not experience such a thing.
Trach, nice to see you love still come with big side of surly.
What can you does to help:
Hi everybody. I just over here sweatin' and shakin'. Not to the oldies though, maybe that would help. Not feel like music though.
Trach, nice to see you love still come with big side of surly.
What can you does to help:
- Not mention delicious coffees or other foods on my thread.
- Call me out and ask me frequently if I using or thinking about using.
- Help me deal with my mental illness without self-medicate. I did try several more psych. meds, but they activates my seizure disorder and I just simply not can tolerate them.
Hi everybody. I just over here sweatin' and shakin'. Not to the oldies though, maybe that would help. Not feel like music though.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 18,229
Just for clarity, since it's been a while since some of us have seen you, what's your current program and plan? Are you 100% caffeine & alcohol free today? Yesterday? Are you still going to AA and how often if so & do you have a sponsor or want one? Are you in any other "formal" program? Are you in group or individual counseling? What's in your toolbox so far -- what resources do you use when you feel the urge to drink?
I know that sounds like an interrogation but it will help us help you to know how you intend to approach this new phase.
I'm very glad you haven't given up. There are better days in front of you -- you just can't see them yet.
I know that sounds like an interrogation but it will help us help you to know how you intend to approach this new phase.
I'm very glad you haven't given up. There are better days in front of you -- you just can't see them yet.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 10,894
Originally Posted by courage2
Just for clarity, since it's been a while since some of us have seen you, what's your current program and plan? Are you 100% caffeine & alcohol free today? Yesterday? Are you still going to AA and how often if so & do you have a sponsor or want one? Are you in any other "formal" program? Are you in group or individual counseling? What's in your toolbox so far -- what resources do you use when you feel the urge to drink?
You thought surly was bad?
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