Diary of a Mad Cow, Part XVIII: "New Year, New Moo!"
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
I have some very pleasant memories of early childhood. They pop out because there was plenty of not good memories. It's strange what you'll remember. Wall paper. The way the sun was glinting. Smells. My generation probably has a strong association of this plastic smell of new dolls. Bam. Right back to Christmas mornings.
I wonder, I know I can trigger relaxation with certain sounds in my meditation tapes. I can get very teary with the smell of roses. Colors. The smell of cut grass which from what I know is a strong association for most people.
When my grandma passed over, I got some of her costume jewelry. I didn't care about anything else but those brooches, those earrings! Bam! The colors. The scent of her Estée Lauder "Beautiful" perfume. Bam!
I'm really fighting depressions. Too much BS stress at work. Too much stress.
Did anyone else see that Vanity died? She had something called encapsulated sclerotic peritonitis. Seems she had a crack cocaine OD that messed with her kidneys. I had no idea. She was only 57.
My anxiety level is amping up again, I think it is the work of The Beast. Growling around wanting to be fed. But hey! I recognized its game and call BS. This is the beauty of AVRT. The AV is quiet, years of shutting it down has paid off.
And it's February. Damn I hate February. Those memories.
Cow and the rest of you. Please know we can have the memories and not have to act out, just find that one thing, that color or that smell. I remember a song my grandma hummed in the kitchen, she was happy, and man, she had some screwed up stuff. Crazy kids. Sad stories with her sisters. Her life was hard! But those pleasant memories of her keep me from total black pit of despair with no bottom.
I guess I can see now, I had some funky times, some difficult transitions. I was scared a lot. But I always was OK in the end, even when it seemed impossible.
Forgive my ramblings. I'm grateful to be sober.
Love from Lenina even if this doesn't make sense.
I wonder, I know I can trigger relaxation with certain sounds in my meditation tapes. I can get very teary with the smell of roses. Colors. The smell of cut grass which from what I know is a strong association for most people.
When my grandma passed over, I got some of her costume jewelry. I didn't care about anything else but those brooches, those earrings! Bam! The colors. The scent of her Estée Lauder "Beautiful" perfume. Bam!
I'm really fighting depressions. Too much BS stress at work. Too much stress.
Did anyone else see that Vanity died? She had something called encapsulated sclerotic peritonitis. Seems she had a crack cocaine OD that messed with her kidneys. I had no idea. She was only 57.
My anxiety level is amping up again, I think it is the work of The Beast. Growling around wanting to be fed. But hey! I recognized its game and call BS. This is the beauty of AVRT. The AV is quiet, years of shutting it down has paid off.
And it's February. Damn I hate February. Those memories.
Cow and the rest of you. Please know we can have the memories and not have to act out, just find that one thing, that color or that smell. I remember a song my grandma hummed in the kitchen, she was happy, and man, she had some screwed up stuff. Crazy kids. Sad stories with her sisters. Her life was hard! But those pleasant memories of her keep me from total black pit of despair with no bottom.
I guess I can see now, I had some funky times, some difficult transitions. I was scared a lot. But I always was OK in the end, even when it seemed impossible.
Forgive my ramblings. I'm grateful to be sober.
Love from Lenina even if this doesn't make sense.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Auckland
Posts: 2,548
Lenina - it makes perfect sense and your ramblings need no forgiving.
I totally understand the depression. I think a lot of us do. I wish I knew what the 'F' to say to make it better. I think you get to a certain age and you start seeing things quite differently.
Love xxxxxxx
I totally understand the depression. I think a lot of us do. I wish I knew what the 'F' to say to make it better. I think you get to a certain age and you start seeing things quite differently.
Love xxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Dear Lenina,
just saw your post, and all of it made sense. Well, to me and probably to quite a few of us.
And the smell of cut grass, oh yeah. And a spot of Estee Lauder...of that, I only still have a scrap of 'Poeme' (spelt, of course, the French way dear!) Birthday prez to moi several years ago, but kept in the dark appropriately.
Only other perfumes I have currently are Amarige (Givenchy) - first noted on a blondie from a posh suburb, wafting along the corridors one time I was in rehab; and, most recently, via a dear lady in day patient group, a little Giorgio. She gave me one of those tiny sample bottles.
Makes us feel good, even on the days we don't. (Spend much of my life in my beloved comfy and daggy clothes, damn what others say. But some good perfume or sandalwood etc, helps just that little, non? )
just saw your post, and all of it made sense. Well, to me and probably to quite a few of us.
And the smell of cut grass, oh yeah. And a spot of Estee Lauder...of that, I only still have a scrap of 'Poeme' (spelt, of course, the French way dear!) Birthday prez to moi several years ago, but kept in the dark appropriately.
Only other perfumes I have currently are Amarige (Givenchy) - first noted on a blondie from a posh suburb, wafting along the corridors one time I was in rehab; and, most recently, via a dear lady in day patient group, a little Giorgio. She gave me one of those tiny sample bottles.
Makes us feel good, even on the days we don't. (Spend much of my life in my beloved comfy and daggy clothes, damn what others say. But some good perfume or sandalwood etc, helps just that little, non? )
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
BTW Cow, blossom / chook (Aussie things, ignore if you want but terms of great endearment):
I have resorted to the wine, for the last few days, too. I too suffer from the depressions; they come and go in flare ups just like my physical pain (big on the scale in recent weeks).
Sometimes - like now - I just feel that I tried for recovery so late in my life that it's all so literally baked-in, all my 'work' on it can't give me or my loved ones some perfect result. I mean that, in a very deep way. It's very dispiriting.
Yet. And yet. I come back here and to my various other places of some tiny hope. You do too. We do this, against all our odds, non?
Remember Robby, and so many others like him: our friends who stood by us when it's soooo tough.
xxx Vic
I have resorted to the wine, for the last few days, too. I too suffer from the depressions; they come and go in flare ups just like my physical pain (big on the scale in recent weeks).
Sometimes - like now - I just feel that I tried for recovery so late in my life that it's all so literally baked-in, all my 'work' on it can't give me or my loved ones some perfect result. I mean that, in a very deep way. It's very dispiriting.
Yet. And yet. I come back here and to my various other places of some tiny hope. You do too. We do this, against all our odds, non?
Remember Robby, and so many others like him: our friends who stood by us when it's soooo tough.
xxx Vic
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Some days, I really adore the freedom (?) of being older. Or maybe it's the perspective. And the ability to sometimes be sincerely open to learning things.
Lenina, you make perfect sense and I'm going to follow your lead by finding pleasant childhood thoughts. For lo these many years, I've said I have none which was true for me because I couldn't remember much at all and what I did was too unpleasant for reminiscence. But you're right - I must have a scent or a sight or a visual memory (or a few) that can be recalled. I think if I work to find these, they can perhaps not drown out, but coexist with the others in some semblance of peace.
Bemyself, perfection is a unobtainable goal. You know that. Feed the tiny hope and realize tiny rewards. It's something not to be discounted lightly, don't you think?
Lenina, you make perfect sense and I'm going to follow your lead by finding pleasant childhood thoughts. For lo these many years, I've said I have none which was true for me because I couldn't remember much at all and what I did was too unpleasant for reminiscence. But you're right - I must have a scent or a sight or a visual memory (or a few) that can be recalled. I think if I work to find these, they can perhaps not drown out, but coexist with the others in some semblance of peace.
Bemyself, perfection is a unobtainable goal. You know that. Feed the tiny hope and realize tiny rewards. It's something not to be discounted lightly, don't you think?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,436
Originally Posted by Obladi 
Cow's a blossom, I'm a possum?
means you're a blossom too
Rhyming Slang. Australia - Down Under. All things Aussie & Doggy, Australian slang and strine
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Bemyself, I'm sorry to hear about the wine, I had to finally get to the point where alcohol was just not an option, for any reason, ever. In the beginning it was hard. But I knew that relief was no longer found through the alcohol. Only the memories of relief. And memories are powerful.
That's what the disease remembers, those times when it still worked to have a drink. With us, it will never work again. It only brings us suffering. It makes the depression deeper and darker. And starts the beast tantruming again and emboldens the AV with its lies.
Love from Lenina
That's what the disease remembers, those times when it still worked to have a drink. With us, it will never work again. It only brings us suffering. It makes the depression deeper and darker. And starts the beast tantruming again and emboldens the AV with its lies.
Love from Lenina
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,436
Yep LeLe, me too. Not again ever.
There's a kind of relief in knowing that option is now off the table, oddly. . .
I get the strange meanderings in childhood too, by the way.
Been wandering in that twilight having conversations with my dead mother quite
a bit this month.
What's happening in the stars? Seems like many of us are affected. . .
There's a kind of relief in knowing that option is now off the table, oddly. . .
I get the strange meanderings in childhood too, by the way.
Been wandering in that twilight having conversations with my dead mother quite
a bit this month.
What's happening in the stars? Seems like many of us are affected. . .
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Hi Kittens, I sorry you all in family memory funks. At least I do enough brain damage that I not has too much terrible memories left. (That my bright side!)
Okay, had interview today. Jesus God. Was like episode of 24. I wake up early, brain total fuzzed out, and I got the diarrhea! Oh no! Countdown to interviews! Got to take my pill, wait to eat, get diarrhea under control, get some caffeine into me so I can be sharp and make 40 minute drive to get to this place by 11!
Whole time there I feel like crap but was laser focus on being smart and "on." Interview was 3 hour and go great and end by they show me ..."my office." I get into my vehicle just glad to has survive it and all of sudden I feel really sick and start shaking, total panic response. Was not stress from having had such difficult time pulling it together for interview. Was panic of: Holy Crap. This happening and you gonna have to make huge life-change decision. As you know, is very VERY long and complicated pro and con list and every item on each side total valid. So is not any way to just make logical/intellectual decision. Nor does I really feel can trust my emotions on decision. Would be easy to say, OMG, that stress response mean job not for you! But I know it could has been a "you just afraid of big change" response.
Anyways, I has to talk to top person in week or two, so have little bit more time. I was telling friend at taco party other night that I not think I will know what I deciding until I hear it come out my mouth at very last minute. Like, I just as curious as anyone to know what I gonna say.
Okay, had interview today. Jesus God. Was like episode of 24. I wake up early, brain total fuzzed out, and I got the diarrhea! Oh no! Countdown to interviews! Got to take my pill, wait to eat, get diarrhea under control, get some caffeine into me so I can be sharp and make 40 minute drive to get to this place by 11!
Whole time there I feel like crap but was laser focus on being smart and "on." Interview was 3 hour and go great and end by they show me ..."my office." I get into my vehicle just glad to has survive it and all of sudden I feel really sick and start shaking, total panic response. Was not stress from having had such difficult time pulling it together for interview. Was panic of: Holy Crap. This happening and you gonna have to make huge life-change decision. As you know, is very VERY long and complicated pro and con list and every item on each side total valid. So is not any way to just make logical/intellectual decision. Nor does I really feel can trust my emotions on decision. Would be easy to say, OMG, that stress response mean job not for you! But I know it could has been a "you just afraid of big change" response.
Anyways, I has to talk to top person in week or two, so have little bit more time. I was telling friend at taco party other night that I not think I will know what I deciding until I hear it come out my mouth at very last minute. Like, I just as curious as anyone to know what I gonna say.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Auckland
Posts: 2,548
I agree, Cow. I don't think that response is indicative of whether the job is the right choice or not. That would be a woo woo interpretation and you don't do woo woo, eh?
My thoughts on it are that life hasn't exactly been a barrel of laughs for you over recent years, so why not make a big change and see what happens? I dunno, I really feel positive about you having your own office, a regular job, interacting with people on a daily basis, using your exceptional talents, making great money, furthering your career, etc....I personally think you are more than up to it, and if you decide to go ahead, you know you will have our full support.
Well done on the interview!!!
xxxxx
My thoughts on it are that life hasn't exactly been a barrel of laughs for you over recent years, so why not make a big change and see what happens? I dunno, I really feel positive about you having your own office, a regular job, interacting with people on a daily basis, using your exceptional talents, making great money, furthering your career, etc....I personally think you are more than up to it, and if you decide to go ahead, you know you will have our full support.
Well done on the interview!!!
xxxxx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Cow, does ginseng work to give you a life? Maybe some ginseng tea would help with less bad effects? I'm worried this job might be overwhelming for you if you need stimulants. I want you be well in your body.
Love from Lenina
Love from Lenina
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Lenina, I has try EVERYTHING. Herbs, amino acids, vitamins, cold waters, RX, apple cidar vinegars, force early exercise, getting sun in eyes first thing, eating different thing, eating nothing, meditations, breathings, ...I could go on...
Simple fact is, brain is not in good place in morning. First of all, I still has to take sleep aid to sleep at all, so my benzo factoring in. Second, I severe hypoglycemic and even if I take special slow digest supplement before bed, I wake up in low blood sugar state/haze. Third, going through menopause, even with sleep aid, I fitfull during night and not getting great sleep. And, is my intestinal infection which mean dinner has become diarrhea which start early morning.
Is a lot. I never wake to feel rested, I wake like: BAM! RED ALERT! And is immediate program of control morning symptoms.
Caffeine not good, for sure, this been well establish, but it effective to bring me "online" and I somewhat tolerate it, even though it clearly trigger for alcohol. So, is just difficult. I always researching and trying to find new ways. But, is difficult.
Will I need stimulant every day to keep hours of this job? Probable. Or, will I adapt? Or, will I crash? Is it sabotage? But wait! Cow, you not keeping regular hour now and still fall to stimulant because of you depressions. Oh, why yes, those is all good points, Cow!
Jesus God. Enough about me. How is you guys going?
Simple fact is, brain is not in good place in morning. First of all, I still has to take sleep aid to sleep at all, so my benzo factoring in. Second, I severe hypoglycemic and even if I take special slow digest supplement before bed, I wake up in low blood sugar state/haze. Third, going through menopause, even with sleep aid, I fitfull during night and not getting great sleep. And, is my intestinal infection which mean dinner has become diarrhea which start early morning.
Is a lot. I never wake to feel rested, I wake like: BAM! RED ALERT! And is immediate program of control morning symptoms.
Caffeine not good, for sure, this been well establish, but it effective to bring me "online" and I somewhat tolerate it, even though it clearly trigger for alcohol. So, is just difficult. I always researching and trying to find new ways. But, is difficult.
Will I need stimulant every day to keep hours of this job? Probable. Or, will I adapt? Or, will I crash? Is it sabotage? But wait! Cow, you not keeping regular hour now and still fall to stimulant because of you depressions. Oh, why yes, those is all good points, Cow!
Jesus God. Enough about me. How is you guys going?
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Cow, I'll trade you.
A normal night for me is to wake up every hour. On the hour. Doesn't matter if I'm on the sofa, in the bed or in the woods. Sometimes I need to pee, sometimes just to rearrange.
I miss sleeping long hours. And so far, not one death because of sleep deprivation! Yay!
A normal night for me is to wake up every hour. On the hour. Doesn't matter if I'm on the sofa, in the bed or in the woods. Sometimes I need to pee, sometimes just to rearrange.
I miss sleeping long hours. And so far, not one death because of sleep deprivation! Yay!
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Turtle, you not want to trade me for the menopause sleep. They is literal NO temperature at which I comfortable. I has wafer thin bamboo silk sheet and even that have to be throw on and off like thousand of time each night because feel like difference between burn up and freezing.
...having say that, I guess I can be grateful I not has to pee every hour.
I remembers before my OD I use to sleep deeper and wake up like luxurious stretchy cat all languid and satisfy. Good times.
What going with you, Trach?
Hi Sleepies.
I know you in bad place, and wishes I could help you.
...having say that, I guess I can be grateful I not has to pee every hour.
I remembers before my OD I use to sleep deeper and wake up like luxurious stretchy cat all languid and satisfy. Good times.
What going with you, Trach?
Hi Sleepies.
I know you in bad place, and wishes I could help you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Eh. I have the next 3 whole days off. Plus I asserted myself to someone who had the balls to tell me to get my "Head in the game" at work today.
I told him. I enjoyed it too. AND we also agreed and talked about the local s***head dude bro guy. I'm ready for it now. I am f***ing ready. I didn't grow up spineless after being raised by a sociopath.
I told him. I enjoyed it too. AND we also agreed and talked about the local s***head dude bro guy. I'm ready for it now. I am f***ing ready. I didn't grow up spineless after being raised by a sociopath.
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