Obladi

Oh man, did I kill the thread?

courage2

Romance is always a quagmire, but lust was a source of rare satisfaction when I was newly sober.

kittycat3

Hey cow, I'm single and ready to mingle

let's agree to boycott Vday this year. When I've been in relationships it's a day fraught with disappointment and overpriced candy and flowers. And being single is not easy either, for obvious reasons.

I'm glad it's on a Sunday this year, Sundays can be a melancholy day for me anyway.

Cow

Oh hello little kittycat, is always nice to sees you. I has never give crap about Valentine Day, so is no biggie downer for me.

What is downer is that I took shortbus from Caffeine to Crazytown and went swimming in Lake Malbec. Was up all night with my guts killing me and despondent. Then today try to keep brain from getting all seizey. Good times. I just is serious mentally ill and is no fixing it. I will just continue to suffer never ending daisy chain from hell until it kill me. Other than that, everything great!

Anyways, that why I quiet, O. You not has to worry about "killing thread." As everyone at SR has probable notice ....IT JUST WON'T DIE. I try to kills it my self but turtle give me the sad eye! TURTLES!!

kittycat3

Oh cow, hugs. I am sorry for your struggles. Wish I could help, I am not sure how. I can relate though, I myself had 3 beers last night and although I didn't totally lose the plot, I didn't sleep well (up at 330 AM) and feel tired and disappointed today. I would never wish anything but the best for you, but I do know I feel a little less alone knowing you are here struggling to get ahead just like I am. Don't give up cow, you keepa go, ok?

Obladi

Well, as long as everything is under control, then.

No, I kinda figured.
So.
Why are you caffeinating/wining again, my bovine divine?

Don't blame turtle for his helpless devotion. He can't help his shellf.

puffy

Oh Cow, you truly struggle. I wish I had some magic words or some secret sauce to make it easier for you.

Wake up Sleepie. Hope you are doing okay.

Ob- this thread is pretty strong... too many care about its life for it to die.

Cow

Thank you, Dearhearts. I not giving up or anything, I just really low today.

O, they is no fathomable why. I just mentally ill. That all I got.

Hi Puff, hope you feeling okay.

fini

He can't help his shellf.
oh Obladi, how you made me laugh! thank you.

single a long long time. and i do have two grownup daughters from my one marriage way back. my last realtionship was insane; insane enough for me to seek some help with the drinking thing. still, i went back to drinking and stuck there for another couple of years. that woman was on my amends list, and she was very gracious about it when i did that last year. best conversation we ever had

Cow, i'll bring this up again(uh...that regurgitating is okay on a bovine thread, i hope, yes? ):
when i first started reading your thread, you had promised a friend you'd go to inpatient if you couldn't stick to doing it yourself.

funny (not really) how this way is the way you keep choosing, when it is so full of repeated setbacks and suffering.

Delfin

No one to share V-day with here cause I'm a single mom and I don't really date. (Seems like I'm responsible for the demise of western civilization, along with other women of my ilk, btw. ) Never been married. Some good serious relationships that ended amicably except for the baby daddy who's a big loser. V-day doesn't bother me much either. I've never felt like it's a real thing. Hallmark holiday and all.

Dear Cow, sorry to hear about your bus trip there. Sounds miserable. Is there anything different you can try so this doesn't happen again?

D.

Obladi

You're right, Cow.

Ultimately "why" doesn't matter when it's a thing that can't/shouldn't be done but is. What's more important at that moment is how to stop. I'm not asking you, just stating the obvious. Took me years to get to a suitable response. Why is going to have to take care of itself later some time after how is resolved.

trachemys

Cow, answer honestly. Are you better off with us or without us? No wrong answer here.

Dropsie

Trach,

you take that back -- she loves us..

or at least you anyway...

Hows things down south??

courage2

((cow))

Now.

Because I'm a cantankerous & gamey rabbit, I call bs on the above. There's always a fathomable why. We among the mentally ill have scripts we read ourselves before we devolve into screaming demands for our substance. You were thinking, you made a decision. Why?

Because I'm an introspective rabbit, I believe it's important to interrogate one's own delusional reasoning, not to excuse but to undermine its power to trick us in the future.

dwtbd

One of the biggest tricks "meh, it's what I Do" <<-- really gotta watch out for that one, it's an oldie but it can have staying power, confound it with "did, sure, but don't have to"

walkbeformakrun

As others defended Xmas, when it seemed no one would, I will speak up for Vday.

I am a romantic (possible love addict, yes, it is a thing) and I do enjoy a good Vday. I very much appreciate and am grateful for the fact that I currently have someone to share it with.

It has not always been this way for me. In fact I've had more Vdays alone than with someone. Still, or perhaps bc of that, I never let Vday get me down when I was alone. I just let it pass without notice. It would be like a Super Bowl Sunday when there are two teams I could care less about. Again, more often than not.

I do, however, pounce ferociously on the opportunity to celebrate it when I can. This year I think will be a good one. Wish me luck!

Cow

Same old story. Severe depressions and zombie anhedonia, not able to find or tolerate treatments, it grow untenable and I become non-functioning (i.e., just want to cry all day or stare out window/no mental energy), eventual I use caffeine, only thing I tolerate (for short time anyway) to treat slide of depressions, that work well but quickly turn into irrational crazy manic brain, which also untenable, brain decide it having some booze for that.

Not sure how to answer "Why I make this decision?" To me, is like asking "Why is you bi-polar?"

Trach, I not sure if I "better off" either way. But I does care about you guys. And you has been there for me. Of course, I does question "value" of my contributions, and even my mere presence here, as it just going on and on with no significant progress. I not sure is gonna be significant progress, whether I manage to stays sober or not. I thinking either depression or addiction will take me. I not sure which one worse or more painful.

I not want to say too much more right now, cuz like I say, my attitude very very low and is gonna be big job to pull it back up. I has to get work done. I has to go to papa's birthday party tonight. And I has to decide on job. I not give crap about anything, Is not one spark of life inside me whatsoever. Borg Cow will just force self to go through motions. I know attitude will lift over next few days, until depressions swell and smother me again. Round and round we go.

~Moo Mwah, and thank you for caring.

sleepie

Hi Cow that's a lot in day.
I have been wanting to say something but I've been an overworked mess. I feel like a basket case lately.

But I was sad to hear you are drinking again.

I consider you a friend Cow I have to say it saddened my heart deeply.

Obladi

I don't agree that "there is no why" is BS. Not in the moment, not when I'm in the cycle that remains unbroken. At that time, "It's what I do" is a perfectly respectable response. It may not be acceptable, but in that moment it can be the truest I can get. I'm not drinking now and it sounds as legit to me as it did when I was.

I remember one time telling my therapist that if I woke up at 3am and there was still vodka in the house, I would drink it. He asked why. I did a double-take and said, "You're asking me to rationally explain a rational behavior. How does that make any sense?" He didn't have a response for that.

Even so, Cow. Don't you think you just told us (at least part of) the why? You're getting ready to go to your father's birthday party AND you have a decision to make about a job. In your hooves, I would definitely be drawn to intoxicating substances.

So go to the accursed party if you must. We'll be here to deconstruct when all that's done and your attitude can start taking a turn for the better.

walkbeformakrun

O - I'm sure you meant "explain an irrational behavior."

I understand what you mean. If you recall my recent post about being tempted to down a two glass dose of Chardonnay, it sounds like that. It makes no sense. There is no rational to explain why I was about to do that and was only stopped by Antabuse. It all happened to fast for there to be a reason. I wasn't depressed. I wasn't celebrating. I wasn't bored. I was just there with Chardonnay in my grasp.

No explanation. Except that I'm an addict. I guess that is the "reason."

Cow though, are you sure there isn't something? The new job stress? The stress of having to celebrate the birthday of your rapist with your rapist? Sometimes there is a reason.