Diary of a Mad Cow, Part III - Beware all ye who enter!
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Olive, I watch every single episode of Dog Whisperer. No show make Cow bawl like Dog Whisperer! And then I find out Cesar recently try to kills himself! WTF?!
D, I know you not asking for Cow to jump moon. I total appreciates you input and comments. Please not give up on me. I know we has lot in common, and I aspires to you success.
D, I know you not asking for Cow to jump moon. I total appreciates you input and comments. Please not give up on me. I know we has lot in common, and I aspires to you success.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,880
Originally Posted by Cow 
D, is you live in Oz?
I glad you not gives up on me, cuz sometime, to be honest, I gives up on me, so is very good to know is somebody out there who is not given up on me.
I glad you not gives up on me, cuz sometime, to be honest, I gives up on me, so is very good to know is somebody out there who is not given up on me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,880
Originally Posted by Cow
D, is you live in Oz?
I glad you not gives up on me, cuz sometime, to be honest, I gives up on me, so is very good to know is somebody out there who is not given up on me.
I glad you not gives up on me, cuz sometime, to be honest, I gives up on me, so is very good to know is somebody out there who is not given up on me.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
I not realize before D was Aussie? I have lot of fan there, they have cute idioms.
Where is you live Soberly? Is getting HOT now in CA and AZ, where I lives. Being cage inside all summer is very bad for addict.
Where is you live Soberly? Is getting HOT now in CA and AZ, where I lives. Being cage inside all summer is very bad for addict.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Wizard of Oz "Optimistic Voices"
You're out of the woods
You're out of the dark
You're out of the night
Step into the sun
Step into the light
Keep straight ahead for the most glorious place
On the face of the earth or the sky
Hold onto your breath
Hold onto your heart
Hold onto your hope
March up to the gate and bid it open, open
You're out of the woods
You're out of the dark
You're out of the night
Step into the sun
Step into the light
Keep straight ahead for the most glorious place
On the face of the earth or the sky
Hold onto your breath
Hold onto your heart
Hold onto your hope
March up to the gate and bid it open, open
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,880
I live on the East Coast and it has been a really long winter. My children and grand babes live in AZ so I get to AZ a couple of times a year, at least, usually in the Spring, Fall and Winter. Was in Phoenix once in the Summer and thought I would die; it actually felt as though the heat had weight.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
cow, count me in too! I'm on your side and we ain't talking side of beef here!
This is how I got out of the dark place. I had a routine I agreed to stick to, with my sponsor. I had to get up each day and eat breakfast. I had to write a gratitude list of ten positive things in my life; in the beginning finding ten things seemed so overwhelming to me! I had to read the list again before bed. I had to call her daily, no matter what or where I was.
I had to meet with her once a week. We usually met for pie. I like pie. And we talked. And she gave me assignments. sometimes related to AA, sometimes related to self improvement. She made me write a lot. in pen or pencil, no typing! ARG! my handwriting is just awful. once she made me go to the perfume counter and smell perfumes to pick one I liked. And then I had to wear it daily. it's the little things. (thank the heavens I didn't choose Opium! I chose Borghese!)
This all helped me so much. it was gradual, but I finally began to see some light in the world. color came back. I started finding myself under all the depression. I developed Habits of Mind!
We are your friends here, my little calf. we won't quit on you. I think you'll be amazed now often someone of us is online.
love from your CAL girl,
Lenina
This is how I got out of the dark place. I had a routine I agreed to stick to, with my sponsor. I had to get up each day and eat breakfast. I had to write a gratitude list of ten positive things in my life; in the beginning finding ten things seemed so overwhelming to me! I had to read the list again before bed. I had to call her daily, no matter what or where I was.
I had to meet with her once a week. We usually met for pie. I like pie. And we talked. And she gave me assignments. sometimes related to AA, sometimes related to self improvement. She made me write a lot. in pen or pencil, no typing! ARG! my handwriting is just awful. once she made me go to the perfume counter and smell perfumes to pick one I liked. And then I had to wear it daily. it's the little things. (thank the heavens I didn't choose Opium! I chose Borghese!)
This all helped me so much. it was gradual, but I finally began to see some light in the world. color came back. I started finding myself under all the depression. I developed Habits of Mind!
We are your friends here, my little calf. we won't quit on you. I think you'll be amazed now often someone of us is online.
love from your CAL girl,
Lenina
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,047
Got two things:
Little Thing !: I thought my AV was my whole me. I thought addiction was my identity. But completely to my surprise, something else really weird is starting to emerge. It's a personality, and it's an addict, but it's got other stuff going on too, stuff the active addict/alcoholic didn't leave any room for. So far, in the last 24 hours, it's been someone who riffs on the cultural distinction between a burnout and a stoner, and someone who can talk intelligently about the relative merits of teaching or not teaching matrix algebra to graduate students, and someone who crowd-sources her every decision to an online recovery forum LOL. Someone who invites a bipolar alcoholic survivor of incest experiencing a depressive episode to sleep on her couch, because even though she doesn't exactly care, she'd like to help. Oh, and someone who's becoming a little bit self-aware. This may all be some new kind of insanity. It may be a little bit of mania. But for a change, I'm taking my AV for a ride instead of the other way around.
Little Thing 2: My FS pointed out that for longterm addicts/alcoholics, the substance became our only motivator for any behavior. So when you decide to have caffeine, you suddenly feel better-- the motivation is so highly associated with the gratification that it triggers the relief even before the caffeine hits you. When I absolutely knew I was going to relapse, I felt like a rocket blasting off. It was like I'd been wandering around for a full year with no purpose or reason to live, and all of a sudden, I was purposeful. I knew what I was doing and why! I was going to get booze, so I could drink! Hooray! Unlearning that gratification system is hard, but ask any cognitive-behavioral scientist. It can be done.
Hugs, Cow. Stay off the caffeine. And stay off the booze! Or I'll have to come to the west coast and pimpslap your AV.
Oh, and Dee =
Little Thing !: I thought my AV was my whole me. I thought addiction was my identity. But completely to my surprise, something else really weird is starting to emerge. It's a personality, and it's an addict, but it's got other stuff going on too, stuff the active addict/alcoholic didn't leave any room for. So far, in the last 24 hours, it's been someone who riffs on the cultural distinction between a burnout and a stoner, and someone who can talk intelligently about the relative merits of teaching or not teaching matrix algebra to graduate students, and someone who crowd-sources her every decision to an online recovery forum LOL. Someone who invites a bipolar alcoholic survivor of incest experiencing a depressive episode to sleep on her couch, because even though she doesn't exactly care, she'd like to help. Oh, and someone who's becoming a little bit self-aware. This may all be some new kind of insanity. It may be a little bit of mania. But for a change, I'm taking my AV for a ride instead of the other way around.
Little Thing 2: My FS pointed out that for longterm addicts/alcoholics, the substance became our only motivator for any behavior. So when you decide to have caffeine, you suddenly feel better-- the motivation is so highly associated with the gratification that it triggers the relief even before the caffeine hits you. When I absolutely knew I was going to relapse, I felt like a rocket blasting off. It was like I'd been wandering around for a full year with no purpose or reason to live, and all of a sudden, I was purposeful. I knew what I was doing and why! I was going to get booze, so I could drink! Hooray! Unlearning that gratification system is hard, but ask any cognitive-behavioral scientist. It can be done.
Hugs, Cow. Stay off the caffeine. And stay off the booze! Or I'll have to come to the west coast and pimpslap your AV.
Oh, and Dee =
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Sweet Lenina, well I not can eat pie or any sugars, or anything really. And I not can smell perfume, cuz it freak out my brain. I can make list of tangible gratitudes, cuz I has many. I will never suffer for shelter or sustenance or comforts.
Is intangilbe thing --joy, pleasure, laughter, satisfactions, aliveness-- that I wishes so much for. I total trade my kingdom for one good laugh.
But, you right, I need new mind. Current mind is long suffering, tired, survival, self-medicating mind. Bless it heart. It does what it has to do. But I does need to see Great and Powerful Oz for new mind. Follow the yellow brick road, yes, if only I could finds it.
Is intangilbe thing --joy, pleasure, laughter, satisfactions, aliveness-- that I wishes so much for. I total trade my kingdom for one good laugh.
But, you right, I need new mind. Current mind is long suffering, tired, survival, self-medicating mind. Bless it heart. It does what it has to do. But I does need to see Great and Powerful Oz for new mind. Follow the yellow brick road, yes, if only I could finds it.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,047
God, Cow, (the g-word is just an expression, no worries), I don't know. It's cognitive retraining through behavior modification. Act and you shall think. Starve the mind of the source of motivation it's used to, and it can only starve so long before it will find something else to get whatever morsel of satisfaction it needs to live.
My mind was stubborn and is taking a long time to retrain. But it can be done. Everybody knows behaviorism works, even though it's not pc.
One important thing with basic kind of behaviorism is not to give the subject undergoing training any mixed signals especially during early training. That suggests why just a little "allowance" of the old motivator (alcohol, caffeine, whatever) ignites a major binge -- it's not the substance itself but the psychology of it that instantly re-primes the whole motivation system around that substance.
So starve your brain, feel ploopy, lie around & drool for a while. Since when did anyone say feeling ploopy wasn't ok? In NYC we're all ploopy, except the ones on coke, and they're a-holes. The rest of us feel ploopy and still ride the subway, look like fashion models, shop at Bloomies, and run the world
My mind was stubborn and is taking a long time to retrain. But it can be done. Everybody knows behaviorism works, even though it's not pc.
One important thing with basic kind of behaviorism is not to give the subject undergoing training any mixed signals especially during early training. That suggests why just a little "allowance" of the old motivator (alcohol, caffeine, whatever) ignites a major binge -- it's not the substance itself but the psychology of it that instantly re-primes the whole motivation system around that substance.
So starve your brain, feel ploopy, lie around & drool for a while. Since when did anyone say feeling ploopy wasn't ok? In NYC we're all ploopy, except the ones on coke, and they're a-holes. The rest of us feel ploopy and still ride the subway, look like fashion models, shop at Bloomies, and run the world
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Snarkbunny hit it right again! That's exactly it!
Cow. Have your ever heard the expression "Chop Wood, Carry Water"? I think there's a book with that title. Anyway, what it means is when are feeling so unmotivated, so ploopy, you still do the basics. The simplest of tasks. morning grooming daily (not just a half a'd slap if you have to go out ) Neatly dressed. For me, the morning grooming process is almost meditative. LOL At my age I require lots of meditation.
sit down to eat something healthy. work on gratitude list. Ten items, daily.
establish a nighttime routine. Clean sheets! I like nice cotton nightgowns.
I know it sounds over whelming but if I could do it, I know you can. self care works.
I'm trying to remember the first time I caught myself singing along to the radio, it was maybe mine, ten months in? I was shocked! But there I was, chirping along. LOL
you are not beyond recovery! Post and read here daily. And don't do the substances or the behaviors.
Love from Lenina
Cow. Have your ever heard the expression "Chop Wood, Carry Water"? I think there's a book with that title. Anyway, what it means is when are feeling so unmotivated, so ploopy, you still do the basics. The simplest of tasks. morning grooming daily (not just a half a'd slap if you have to go out ) Neatly dressed. For me, the morning grooming process is almost meditative. LOL At my age I require lots of meditation.
sit down to eat something healthy. work on gratitude list. Ten items, daily.
establish a nighttime routine. Clean sheets! I like nice cotton nightgowns.
I know it sounds over whelming but if I could do it, I know you can. self care works.
I'm trying to remember the first time I caught myself singing along to the radio, it was maybe mine, ten months in? I was shocked! But there I was, chirping along. LOL
you are not beyond recovery! Post and read here daily. And don't do the substances or the behaviors.
Love from Lenina
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
"Starve the mind of the source of motivation it's used to, and it can only starve so long before it will find something else to get whatever morsel of satisfaction it needs to live.'
BAM. POW. I can feel mind REELING against what you say, Snarkbunny! Is like many year ago when polarity therapist tells me... hmm, despite how you come off, I not think you this nice person you pretends to be, I think is just a facade. ...I go into shock right there on her table! Because I had not realize I was not fake person I was pretend to be. So, you right. But how to deal with Ploopy Cow. Is like asking someone to accept feeling dead for indefinite period of time with no absolute resolutions. No to mention devastations to my career. I think I maybe needs to get away from current life for a time.
Is anybody has job for Ploopy Cow? ...Will work for cud...
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