Diary of a Mad Cow, Part III - Beware all ye who enter!
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
AO, I sorry you lose sister. Yes, I could has already tapped out accidentally many, many time throughout my life. Is not enough to not hang self, or just keeps disease hidden from him. If really I care, I must commits to changing.
PS. Phrase "sheeps clothing" is offensive hate speech and derogatory to quadrupedal ruminants.
*Because Cow Cares*
PS. Phrase "sheeps clothing" is offensive hate speech and derogatory to quadrupedal ruminants.
*Because Cow Cares*
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,880
Originally Posted by Elseware 
I weep for you FT. I also understand. At 7 months give or take off the pills/booze I am not in a good place yet. I sorta hate everything. Maybe this is how I really am. I hate to think so. I expected a lot when I got sober and it is just the same old crappy me. But at least I can say I'm sober. And I keep hoping. And the hope keeps me going. But it's been a tough year. I surprised my husband hasn't kicked me out because I'm so irritable. But he is very patient. I am very lucky because I want to be with him. Keep trying FT. We have no other choice if we want to live.
Elseware, for me the fog had barely begun to lift at 7 months; hang in there; there is sunshine just ahead.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
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Elsewhere, what are you doing? Are you eating properly? staying hydrated? Getting some light exercise? Even getting a 20 minute walk in the morning light is a good idea. Habe you seen your medical doctor to make sure you're healthy? maybe get a recommendation for a Vitamin and mineral regimen,
Are you finding any activities you enjoy? Crafting? journaling?
In the beginning for me it was important to have a daily schedule. having a bedtime routine was extra important. Are you getting proper sleep?
Love from Lenina.
Are you finding any activities you enjoy? Crafting? journaling?
In the beginning for me it was important to have a daily schedule. having a bedtime routine was extra important. Are you getting proper sleep?
Love from Lenina.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
Cow, the "committing to changing" part is so true.
I fought and fought and fought it, tried to make deals, did everything to keep drinking
because I couldn't imagine how I could cope with a sober life.
I needed the buffer between what I had been through and what I was.
To date, I've accumulated about 21/2 years total sober time with a 6 week digression last August.
Like SoberLeigh says above, it was (nearly) a solid year before my fog really began lifting.
I still have sucky moments. But overall, I have become far more stable and comfortable in my skin than I ever thought would be possible for me in this lifetime.
Sometimes when I'm walking from the parking lot across the beautiful grounds where I work,
I look around at the trees and buildings and birds with astonishment, despite passing these same sights for almost a decade and a half.
When drinking, I was immersed in myself--behind the glass looking at others like you said in an earlier post.
I wasn't really present in my environment or in my body except for spasmodic drunken releases which cost me dearly. I kinda feel naked in a good way for brief moments lately.
I think at increasing intervals I am forgetting to manifest the glass wall between me and the world, and here I am,
creating as I walk something worth walking through--not yet "trailing clouds of glory" as the poet says, but at least not ignoring my own life anymore.
I take that as progress, albeit slow and tottering.
But it is movement forward from self to somewhere, and it feels what I imagine hopefulness to feel like.
I fought and fought and fought it, tried to make deals, did everything to keep drinking
because I couldn't imagine how I could cope with a sober life.
I needed the buffer between what I had been through and what I was.
To date, I've accumulated about 21/2 years total sober time with a 6 week digression last August.
Like SoberLeigh says above, it was (nearly) a solid year before my fog really began lifting.
I still have sucky moments. But overall, I have become far more stable and comfortable in my skin than I ever thought would be possible for me in this lifetime.
Sometimes when I'm walking from the parking lot across the beautiful grounds where I work,
I look around at the trees and buildings and birds with astonishment, despite passing these same sights for almost a decade and a half.
When drinking, I was immersed in myself--behind the glass looking at others like you said in an earlier post.
I wasn't really present in my environment or in my body except for spasmodic drunken releases which cost me dearly. I kinda feel naked in a good way for brief moments lately.
I think at increasing intervals I am forgetting to manifest the glass wall between me and the world, and here I am,
creating as I walk something worth walking through--not yet "trailing clouds of glory" as the poet says, but at least not ignoring my own life anymore.
I take that as progress, albeit slow and tottering.
But it is movement forward from self to somewhere, and it feels what I imagine hopefulness to feel like.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
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Originally Posted by alphaomega
Cowbaby - way to go on those days !,
Now, you may not consider yourself "suicidal" in the traditional sense of wrist slitting or hanging, but sending yourself to the ER, driving while in blackout, and mixing substances that short circuit your already very fragile brain, is suicide in sheeps clothing.
It's thoughtful that you wouldn't want to burden your brother as such, (my sister accidentally overdosed from prescriptions and alcohol). She was a pharmacist.
And I assure you, she wouldn't have wanted to leave me with this cross either.
But she did.
Accidentally.
Now, you may not consider yourself "suicidal" in the traditional sense of wrist slitting or hanging, but sending yourself to the ER, driving while in blackout, and mixing substances that short circuit your already very fragile brain, is suicide in sheeps clothing.
It's thoughtful that you wouldn't want to burden your brother as such, (my sister accidentally overdosed from prescriptions and alcohol). She was a pharmacist.
And I assure you, she wouldn't have wanted to leave me with this cross either.
But she did.
Accidentally.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,880
Originally Posted by Lenina
cow, is "mutton dressed as lamb" hate speech or just poor wardrobe choices? It's a fine line sometimes to be PC. (properly clothed)
Love from Lenina
Love from Lenina
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,047
Goodness gracious, there's been a lot happening here today! I just finished the laundry and made some popcorn, now it's time to curl up with Cow.
Elseware, I love your patience. You're right to be patient and to know that for you & FT and me too -- sobriety is our only chance of a decent life.
It takes time, but it does get better-- that's what everyone says. I was miserable for most of last year after I quit drinking. I was kind of a prisoner in my own head. Holding myself hostage. It was not a great year, but during that time I made some big (for me) first steps towards being a human being, and I think that's part of the reason things are so different this time around. That, and the anti-ds.
At the risk of being ponderous, what I mean, is that my particular retreat into alcoholism was associated with shutting out humanity. I couldn't value or care about anyone or anything, especially myself. Friend was not in my vocabulary. My relationships were familial, professional, or sexual.
People always talk about learning to feel things in sobriety. What I really notice is the gradual movement to engage with the world.
Cow, I think this thread shows that you're moving in that direction, together with us, your friends. I hope you have a decent night tonight and that tomorrow you put together day 4.
Elseware, I love your patience. You're right to be patient and to know that for you & FT and me too -- sobriety is our only chance of a decent life.
It takes time, but it does get better-- that's what everyone says. I was miserable for most of last year after I quit drinking. I was kind of a prisoner in my own head. Holding myself hostage. It was not a great year, but during that time I made some big (for me) first steps towards being a human being, and I think that's part of the reason things are so different this time around. That, and the anti-ds.
At the risk of being ponderous, what I mean, is that my particular retreat into alcoholism was associated with shutting out humanity. I couldn't value or care about anyone or anything, especially myself. Friend was not in my vocabulary. My relationships were familial, professional, or sexual.
People always talk about learning to feel things in sobriety. What I really notice is the gradual movement to engage with the world.
Cow, I think this thread shows that you're moving in that direction, together with us, your friends. I hope you have a decent night tonight and that tomorrow you put together day 4.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Yes to all these things Lenina. I want very much feel whole again, I even joined the Rotary Club to be with people and to do charitable work in the community, saw a psychiatrist and a GP. I take my supplements and prescribed meds. My biggest problem is that I became depressed. I really am trying very hard. Depression IS hard. I do like your advice to cow about getting cleaned up everyday. It helps me to do that immensely. I even went and got a little short haircut that looks pretty even if I hardly comb it. I'm finding that it is very important for me to feel like I look pretty. I walk everyday and go to yoga 2X a week. 6 weeks ago I was pretty much a dirty pig laying around in bed. I am better than I was.
Cow, Lenina is right about caring for yourself even a little everyday. Start out with a warm shower or bath and brush your teeth. Put on some cherry Chapstick. Put on clean sweats and your bunny slippers. Eat something. You'll feel so much better and you deserve to be cared for. You are quite BELOVED here among you space friends.
Cow, Lenina is right about caring for yourself even a little everyday. Start out with a warm shower or bath and brush your teeth. Put on some cherry Chapstick. Put on clean sweats and your bunny slippers. Eat something. You'll feel so much better and you deserve to be cared for. You are quite BELOVED here among you space friends.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
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Cow, I lost my sister to an OD. She was just 46. She had 3 young children. I choose to believe it was an accident. But I'll never know for sure. But you are very wise to consider your loving brother when this thought occurs to you. He will never get over it as I have not. Love is very powerful. Let him love you and you hang on to him for dear life. He needs you and you need him. Do you let him in on your real life or do you pretend all is well when you see him?
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
My brother know pretty much everything going on with me. But he not capable to engage with such things. He remote, like rest of family, not capable to demonstrate caring or intimacies. He not person who gonna be there for you, not nurturing. That stuff just burden to him. He very happy and lucky in life and he prefer to stay on sunny side of your street. But, he my little brother and I has always love and protects him. He only person left of my family that I feels remotely 'close' too.
I sorry you feeling so dark, Elsewares. I way too cynical of Cow to join with the "hang in theres" and "it get better soon" inspirational musings, so I just gonna say, you can anytime come cuddles up with Cow when you needs to belabor the bleak black miseries we share. I can make popping corns, and we watch some trashy TV and sulk.
I sorry you feeling so dark, Elsewares. I way too cynical of Cow to join with the "hang in theres" and "it get better soon" inspirational musings, so I just gonna say, you can anytime come cuddles up with Cow when you needs to belabor the bleak black miseries we share. I can make popping corns, and we watch some trashy TV and sulk.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Just do it in clean Jammie's, OK?
Getting out of depression was a slow progress for me. I found out that western medicines didn't work very well with me. I got the worst of the side effects and none of the alleged benefits. I take some herbal remedies from the health food store. It helps me with my mood. Pretty much nothing works for the insomnia. self hypnosis helps the most. At least my body rests.
And speaking if bodies resting, it's almost time to head out. moon is in Gemini, the flowers are bursting out for our entertainment and enjoyment. I saw some stuffed Rabbits yesterday in a window display and thought of our own Snarkbunny.
I'm thinking of a Piet Hein "grook" about spring. I've posted it before. My brain is offline. fatigue. I can only recall one line. "Black earth turned yellow crocus is undiluted hocus pocus."
Love from Lenina
Getting out of depression was a slow progress for me. I found out that western medicines didn't work very well with me. I got the worst of the side effects and none of the alleged benefits. I take some herbal remedies from the health food store. It helps me with my mood. Pretty much nothing works for the insomnia. self hypnosis helps the most. At least my body rests.
And speaking if bodies resting, it's almost time to head out. moon is in Gemini, the flowers are bursting out for our entertainment and enjoyment. I saw some stuffed Rabbits yesterday in a window display and thought of our own Snarkbunny.
I'm thinking of a Piet Hein "grook" about spring. I've posted it before. My brain is offline. fatigue. I can only recall one line. "Black earth turned yellow crocus is undiluted hocus pocus."
Love from Lenina
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,880
Originally Posted by Elseware
Cow, I lost my sister to an OD. She was just 46. She had 3 young children. I choose to believe it was an accident. But I'll never know for sure. But you are very wise to consider your loving brother when this thought occurs to you. He will never get over it as I have not. Love is very powerful. Let him love you and you hang on to him for dear life. He needs you and you need him. Do you let him in on your real life or do you pretend all is well when you see him?
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
Originally Posted by SoberLeigh
Oh, Elseware, I am so sorry about your sister; what a sad bond you, alphaomega and I share.
Not a day goes by, not a single day in 29 years, that that day doesn't somehow find its way into my psyche.
Whether its is to remind me of the fragility of our existence, or to remember to live in the present moment, or to never forget to tell those you care about how precious they are, or to stay sober, or to fight, like hell, to find purpose in meaning in being the one that was left to carry the load.
But I would have just as soon learned those in any other way than finding her gone.
I will never consider it anything other than a cross to bear. NO gift in that life experience. None.
Just pain, pain and more pain. So very much inconceivable pain.
Cowlove, if that's what it takes to keep you honest, your commitment to your brotherhalf, then ride that one all the way to Soberland.
Whatever it takes.
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Originally Posted by alphaomega
((Elseware and Soberleigh)). Sorrowful beyond words. Harrowing as a matter of fact. Before and after moment. Nothing is, or ever will be the same from that point forward.
Not a day goes by, not a single day in 29 years, that that day doesn't somehow find its way into my psyche.
Whether its is to remind me of the fragility of our existence, or to remember to live in the present moment, or to never forget to tell those you care about how precious they are, or to stay sober, or to fight, like hell, to find purpose in meaning in being the one that was left to carry the load.
But I would have just as soon learned those in any other way than finding her gone.
I will never consider it anything other than a cross to bear. NO gift in that life experience. None.
Just pain, pain and more pain. So very much inconceivable pain. Cowlove, if that's what it takes to keep you honest, your commitment to your brotherhalf, then ride that one all the way to Soberland.
Whatever it takes.
Not a day goes by, not a single day in 29 years, that that day doesn't somehow find its way into my psyche.
Whether its is to remind me of the fragility of our existence, or to remember to live in the present moment, or to never forget to tell those you care about how precious they are, or to stay sober, or to fight, like hell, to find purpose in meaning in being the one that was left to carry the load.
But I would have just as soon learned those in any other way than finding her gone.
I will never consider it anything other than a cross to bear. NO gift in that life experience. None.
Just pain, pain and more pain. So very much inconceivable pain. Cowlove, if that's what it takes to keep you honest, your commitment to your brotherhalf, then ride that one all the way to Soberland.
Whatever it takes.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
well my darlings, why so quiet? I hope everyone is having a pleasant Sunday? Cow, are you and Elsie still ensconced on the sulky sofa?
I'm still on the road until Monday late. weather is nice enough. I'm enjoying the flowers and such. I've been eating too much. my busy time is almost over so I hope I can get back into a more usual routine.
are we all feeling very Bonanza Jellybean? LOL
Love from Lenina
I'm still on the road until Monday late. weather is nice enough. I'm enjoying the flowers and such. I've been eating too much. my busy time is almost over so I hope I can get back into a more usual routine.
are we all feeling very Bonanza Jellybean? LOL
Love from Lenina
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
((((Cow)))) I know you believe in physics and fractals and such but please know the planets are in an awkward place so we are all feeling uncomfortable. Just know that as the world turns, we will begin to feel a little better.
have you read Anne Schaefer Wilson "A women's reality"? it's an oldie by now but helped me shape up into a place of comfort with my woman self. Also, Jean Shindola Bowen wrote a book breaking down the feminine pyche into seven archetypes of Greek goddesses. It helped me too.
I send you angry cuddles and some avocadoes.
love from the Cowgirl LeeLee
have you read Anne Schaefer Wilson "A women's reality"? it's an oldie by now but helped me shape up into a place of comfort with my woman self. Also, Jean Shindola Bowen wrote a book breaking down the feminine pyche into seven archetypes of Greek goddesses. It helped me too.
I send you angry cuddles and some avocadoes.
love from the Cowgirl LeeLee
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