Diary of a Mad Cow, Part III - Beware all ye who enter!
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,047
Naw, Cow's a girl-type animal, probably with breasts and all -- I know she has all that girl-gyne stuff down there, because she had it all tested a while back and they didn't find a hidden penis or anything. No bull!
My guess is Cow had a date to the symphony with a vibrant gentleman.
I hope, Cow , that you didn't caffeinate-up to stoke yourself, and Merlot-down to unravel. I wrote you a very long, tedious, lectury-type post yesterday to tell you not to do that, & I fear it went unread. This makes me feel like a dry old volume of sermons, on the shelf, unwanted. Thank you, Cow, for providing my depression and self-loathing with fresh deserts to explore! (Because it is, always, all about me.)
Just out of curiosity, what really happened to you last night, and how are you today?
My guess is Cow had a date to the symphony with a vibrant gentleman.
I hope, Cow , that you didn't caffeinate-up to stoke yourself, and Merlot-down to unravel. I wrote you a very long, tedious, lectury-type post yesterday to tell you not to do that, & I fear it went unread. This makes me feel like a dry old volume of sermons, on the shelf, unwanted. Thank you, Cow, for providing my depression and self-loathing with fresh deserts to explore! (Because it is, always, all about me.)
Just out of curiosity, what really happened to you last night, and how are you today?
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Yes, Cow can help with understandings. Cow on Ima Cow show is multi-gendered, omni-sexual cow of vague origins, who identify as male. Real cow is girl cow but not girl girl cow, cuz I extreme tomboy cow, you see?
Snarkbunny, you ego can relaxes, I read every single post is posted. And I take all advices to heart. I was hanging out with girlfriend instead of go to symphony. Also, I has lot of beautiful plants and pet hummingbirds to has 'life' around me. I like flower but cut flower make me sad when they slowly dies right in front of you!
I has to go play wallyball this morning. No getting out cuz I captain of team! Anyway, I wants to play, is fun. Yes, it dangerous situation, as far as gonna make me want the caffeine for energies. I not honest sure I won't cave, although I gonna try.
Okay, I check you later.
Snarkbunny, you ego can relaxes, I read every single post is posted. And I take all advices to heart. I was hanging out with girlfriend instead of go to symphony. Also, I has lot of beautiful plants and pet hummingbirds to has 'life' around me. I like flower but cut flower make me sad when they slowly dies right in front of you!
I has to go play wallyball this morning. No getting out cuz I captain of team! Anyway, I wants to play, is fun. Yes, it dangerous situation, as far as gonna make me want the caffeine for energies. I not honest sure I won't cave, although I gonna try.
Okay, I check you later.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,047
Thanks for checking in, Cow. I kinda knew that about the houseplants vs cut flowers, sorry to have forgotten. I think there should be bougainvilleas blooming everywhere in your part of the world around now, and lots of stuff growing out of the dirty dirt, being beautiful. Enjoy your ballgame!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Cow. I knew you was a cow girl cause I've read every post you ever posted. I even remember your little horny toad. I'm glad you get out to do some sports. Nothing better to get a few endorphins running around in there. It is a wonderful sunny day in Oregon ( although stupid cold) but I'm going to ride my little buckskin mare down the canyon. She always gives me a surprise or three. She's a little wild from hanging out all winter. I get to be with life, get some fresh air and exercise and get a little adrenalin going when she decides to have a mind of her own. I always feel invigorated when I get home, because I made it back alive. I feel sort of happy for a few days after we have a good ride. Her name is "India". She's a good horse. She loves apples and for me to scratch her chin. I love her.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Well, yesterday not go so good at wallyball game. My heart start beat so fast. I become light-headed and has to sit down. I not could remember my own phone number. They want to ships me off to ER again! But I says just takes me home. So I spend rest of day feeling super irritated and sorry for self. Okay, I maybe also weep bitterly for couple minutes. Okay, maybe longer. Later I was twitching and tremoring and could no sleep. What fresh hell is this?
Today, I figure out, duh, of course, is reaction to doctor increase my thyroid medication. So annoying. Like, I has plenty enough mental/physical breakdowns on my own, yes, I not need doctor to medicates me into additional freak outs. Jesus of God. Can a cow get a freaking break.
And how is your day?
Today, I figure out, duh, of course, is reaction to doctor increase my thyroid medication. So annoying. Like, I has plenty enough mental/physical breakdowns on my own, yes, I not need doctor to medicates me into additional freak outs. Jesus of God. Can a cow get a freaking break.
And how is your day?
Poison Eater Extraordinaire
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: East Coast, USA
Posts: 1,031
Hi Cow!
It's funny, reading your posts....because on the one hand you seem super removed from enjoying human/cow interaction, yet on the other hand you are involved in some pretty outgoing activities! I find it interesting you sign up for things at all given how much you seem to feel down about being around other people. Any thoughts on that?
Not much new here on my end. Given up on walking out on the family. I know that is not the answer - and I have 3 girls, they need me even more because I am their mother. But still struggling to WANT to be sober. Was sober all weekend with lots of family at the house for my daughter's birthday, and I just felt dead and empty. I kept wishing I had wine so I could find that place in me that has emotion and energy and interest in things.
It's funny, reading your posts....because on the one hand you seem super removed from enjoying human/cow interaction, yet on the other hand you are involved in some pretty outgoing activities! I find it interesting you sign up for things at all given how much you seem to feel down about being around other people. Any thoughts on that?
Not much new here on my end. Given up on walking out on the family. I know that is not the answer - and I have 3 girls, they need me even more because I am their mother. But still struggling to WANT to be sober. Was sober all weekend with lots of family at the house for my daughter's birthday, and I just felt dead and empty. I kept wishing I had wine so I could find that place in me that has emotion and energy and interest in things.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Cow, it must be very tricky getting your meds right, I'm on the thyroid meds also for Hashimoto's Disease. no hunchback but plenty belly fat! I hope youre feeling better today. how's your heart? Blood pressure? I'm on a small dose of atenonol for my mitrial valve prolapse and it makes a huge difference in my anxiety feelings.
Freethinking, I hope we all know there's no answers in wine, and certainly no truth. I'm glad youre making efforts with your family. Your daughters do need you,
I'm not having a great day. Yesterday was very stressful with the house hunting. We did find an area we might be able to live in comfortably. I'm trying to breathe and realize I'll get through this like I always do.
Love from your CAL
Freethinking, I hope we all know there's no answers in wine, and certainly no truth. I'm glad youre making efforts with your family. Your daughters do need you,
I'm not having a great day. Yesterday was very stressful with the house hunting. We did find an area we might be able to live in comfortably. I'm trying to breathe and realize I'll get through this like I always do.
Love from your CAL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,443
Hi Cow,
I hope you are feeling better today.
I am having a good day. My boss came back and has now taken over all the stress related to the finances of the company. I can sit around and answer the odd phone call and read the Sober Recovery website.
I am normally a grey sky and rain and cloud type person, but occasionally I will embrace the sunshine. So I spent the weekend cleaning up the yard and planting all kinds of new plants and vegetables and now feel all fresh and spring-like.
But two days of bright and shiny is enough, we can now resume the regularly scheduled rain and clouds.
I hope you are feeling better today.
I am having a good day. My boss came back and has now taken over all the stress related to the finances of the company. I can sit around and answer the odd phone call and read the Sober Recovery website.
I am normally a grey sky and rain and cloud type person, but occasionally I will embrace the sunshine. So I spent the weekend cleaning up the yard and planting all kinds of new plants and vegetables and now feel all fresh and spring-like.
But two days of bright and shiny is enough, we can now resume the regularly scheduled rain and clouds.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
FT, I like playing sport and games. It occupy me. And my mind has big compulsion to WIN and perform well at such things. I use to play lot of tennis. I hope to feel well enough to get back to someday. When you playing sport, is not such personal interaction with other. Is more internal, is strategic, is contest. Is different from other social encounter where you has to perform emotional engagement with other or enjoyment of event or pleasant attitude, etc.
I glad you hanging in there. I total understand about wanting to want to quit. I stuck there for like 10 years. For me, so far, addiction has been 4 phase transition. 1) This sh*t is total working for me and I has no intentions to give it up and I not care if it kill me so step off. 2) This sh*t killing me and robbing my life, I know, but it still kind of working for me and is really only time I feel okay, and sometime even good, so even though I should total quit I really not want to. 3) This sh*t not working for me anymore. It not even feel good and consequences is horrific. And now body, brain, mind and life is ravage and lying in tatter and rags. Holy crap! What is I done! I desperately needs to quit right now if I to stand any chance to have real life and fulfillments. 4) Uh oh, this sh*t really hard to quit!!
I hope soon to moves onto phase 5) So I finally quits this sh*t, now what?!!
Hi Lenina, yes, is almost impossible to medicates me cuz of multiple constellation of issues, over-reaction to most thing, and uber delicate brain. Calgon takes me away! Good lucks with house hunt!
Olive, You stay in sunshine! Sure all us sourpusses is gonna hate you for it, but you keepa go girl!
I glad you hanging in there. I total understand about wanting to want to quit. I stuck there for like 10 years. For me, so far, addiction has been 4 phase transition. 1) This sh*t is total working for me and I has no intentions to give it up and I not care if it kill me so step off. 2) This sh*t killing me and robbing my life, I know, but it still kind of working for me and is really only time I feel okay, and sometime even good, so even though I should total quit I really not want to. 3) This sh*t not working for me anymore. It not even feel good and consequences is horrific. And now body, brain, mind and life is ravage and lying in tatter and rags. Holy crap! What is I done! I desperately needs to quit right now if I to stand any chance to have real life and fulfillments. 4) Uh oh, this sh*t really hard to quit!!
I hope soon to moves onto phase 5) So I finally quits this sh*t, now what?!!
Hi Lenina, yes, is almost impossible to medicates me cuz of multiple constellation of issues, over-reaction to most thing, and uber delicate brain. Calgon takes me away! Good lucks with house hunt!
Olive, You stay in sunshine! Sure all us sourpusses is gonna hate you for it, but you keepa go girl!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,443
The sun is going away soon, which is fine, except I will now miss the blood moon and the eclipse which all sounds particularly juicy.
I think you described those phases perfectly, Cow, I distinctly remember going through each.
Phase 6: Pretty good, simple and somewhat fulfilling life.
I think you described those phases perfectly, Cow, I distinctly remember going through each.
Phase 6: Pretty good, simple and somewhat fulfilling life.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: london
Posts: 623
I know cow a girl, was in a bad place yesterday and lost my memory, tut! Dee got mad with me, oops, but im a bit like cow, went on facebook, disaster, too many ppl asking are you ok? No im not ok, Im in cows team!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
Hi cow;
Yeah, I think you described my drinking life cycle to a "T" as well.
I got to Phase 3, thought I'd quit but never really stuck to it. Over and over and over.
When my endless Phase 3 started really impacting my health and started to encroach on my job,
I got really mentally serious about quitting in a way I never had before.
Kind of a Life or Death thing--before, I always had to leave the door open for
an "option" to drink because I really couldn't face the thought of a life without alcohol.
Thought it would be dead and meaningless.
It is different, but not dead and meaningless. I do miss the emotional highs, but one
of my dogs I've had almost 14 years (hand fed from very young puppy I found under a log cabin on my farm)
has been slowly dying of congestive heart failure these past two days,
and I find myself totally in tears and able to feel this incredible pain pretty accurately.
No numbness at the moment, which is a strange relief. I wondered
if I would spend the rest of my life as an emotionless machine.
I can still hurt really well.
One thing I will say about going through this sober.
I've been able to be present with Fergus (my dog) more fully than I've ever been present
in an emotional situation ever in my life as an adult.
I always would take the edge off with alcohol before any time I had emotional trauma to face. Either right then or right after.
This time, I'm wading through with no panacea now or later.
It feels good. It really really hurts, but I see a part of myself emerging that never really grew up before.
There's truth to the statement about addicts being emotionally stunted in some ways I think.
I think it was easy to give Fergus a good life, but it has been much less easy to give him a good death. I feel I am doing my best to do that.
I don't think I could have done it while drinking--not like this.
It's strange comfort to offer you cow, but there it is. Maybe this is what Phase 5 looks like. I hope you are feeling better today and adjusting to the meds.
Yeah, I think you described my drinking life cycle to a "T" as well.
I got to Phase 3, thought I'd quit but never really stuck to it. Over and over and over.
When my endless Phase 3 started really impacting my health and started to encroach on my job,
I got really mentally serious about quitting in a way I never had before.
Kind of a Life or Death thing--before, I always had to leave the door open for
an "option" to drink because I really couldn't face the thought of a life without alcohol.
Thought it would be dead and meaningless.
It is different, but not dead and meaningless. I do miss the emotional highs, but one
of my dogs I've had almost 14 years (hand fed from very young puppy I found under a log cabin on my farm)
has been slowly dying of congestive heart failure these past two days,
and I find myself totally in tears and able to feel this incredible pain pretty accurately.
No numbness at the moment, which is a strange relief. I wondered
if I would spend the rest of my life as an emotionless machine.
I can still hurt really well.
One thing I will say about going through this sober.
I've been able to be present with Fergus (my dog) more fully than I've ever been present
in an emotional situation ever in my life as an adult.
I always would take the edge off with alcohol before any time I had emotional trauma to face. Either right then or right after.
This time, I'm wading through with no panacea now or later.
It feels good. It really really hurts, but I see a part of myself emerging that never really grew up before.
There's truth to the statement about addicts being emotionally stunted in some ways I think.
I think it was easy to give Fergus a good life, but it has been much less easy to give him a good death. I feel I am doing my best to do that.
I don't think I could have done it while drinking--not like this.
It's strange comfort to offer you cow, but there it is. Maybe this is what Phase 5 looks like. I hope you are feeling better today and adjusting to the meds.
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Hawkeye, I not care what anybody say, death suck! My momma die 22 year ago but for me, is not time heal this loss, no, I honestly just feels more motherless every day. With animal passing, I think it harder on human than animal. Animal seem to inherent accept and release into death. I sure Ferguson still getting maximum enjoyment of life he can with his good buddy Hawkeye by his side. It always amaze me how blind, deaf, three legged dog still greet you with such joy. I total envious of blind, deaf, three legged dog!
Yes, one thing about my anhedonia, is I not have too much problem feeling emotion on bottom end of emotional scale. Tears, depression, boredom, envy, ennui -for that my brain chemistry is like, sure we can whip up some of those cocktails! But I ask for little shot of joy with twist of laughter and it like, SORRY BAR CLOSED!
Toddles, yes, is always bad news when you wakes up and go ...uh oh, was I online last night? Doh! But D very forgiving, or else Cow would no even be here!
Yes, one thing about my anhedonia, is I not have too much problem feeling emotion on bottom end of emotional scale. Tears, depression, boredom, envy, ennui -for that my brain chemistry is like, sure we can whip up some of those cocktails! But I ask for little shot of joy with twist of laughter and it like, SORRY BAR CLOSED!
Toddles, yes, is always bad news when you wakes up and go ...uh oh, was I online last night? Doh! But D very forgiving, or else Cow would no even be here!
Recovered from Hopeless State
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Jersey, USA
Posts: 2,156
Originally Posted by Cow 
But D very forgiving, or else Cow would no even be here!
Just discovered this thread. Now I know where to go when I'm feeling a little (a lot?) whacked!
D2
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Oregon
Posts: 4,252
Hawkeye, I am so sorry about Fergus. It is very hard to lose a beloved dog. You are a wonderful Dad to him. I think animals have a great deal to teach us about grace and dignity in the face of pain and suffering. Animals teach us so much about love, too.
My very best wishes for a peaceful time in the next few weeks. Love, Elseware
My very best wishes for a peaceful time in the next few weeks. Love, Elseware
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
It is different, but not dead and meaningless. I do miss the emotional highs, but one
of my dogs I've had almost 14 years (hand fed from very young puppy I found under a log cabin on my farm)
has been slowly dying of congestive heart failure these past two days,
and I find myself totally in tears and able to feel this incredible pain pretty accurately.
No numbness at the moment, which is a strange relief. I wondered
if I would spend the rest of my life as an emotionless machine.
I can still hurt really well.
One thing I will say about going through this sober.
I've been able to be present with Fergus (my dog) more fully than I've ever been present
in an emotional situation ever in my life as an adult.
I always would take the edge off with alcohol before any time I had emotional trauma to face. Either right then or right after.
This time, I'm wading through with no panacea now or later.
It feels good. It really really hurts, but I see a part of myself emerging that never really grew up before.
There's truth to the statement about addicts being emotionally stunted in some ways I think.
I think it was easy to give Fergus a good life, but it has been much less easy to give him a good death. I feel I am doing my best to do that.
I don't think I could have done it while drinking--not like this.
of my dogs I've had almost 14 years (hand fed from very young puppy I found under a log cabin on my farm)
has been slowly dying of congestive heart failure these past two days,
and I find myself totally in tears and able to feel this incredible pain pretty accurately.
No numbness at the moment, which is a strange relief. I wondered
if I would spend the rest of my life as an emotionless machine.
I can still hurt really well.
One thing I will say about going through this sober.
I've been able to be present with Fergus (my dog) more fully than I've ever been present
in an emotional situation ever in my life as an adult.
I always would take the edge off with alcohol before any time I had emotional trauma to face. Either right then or right after.
This time, I'm wading through with no panacea now or later.
It feels good. It really really hurts, but I see a part of myself emerging that never really grew up before.
There's truth to the statement about addicts being emotionally stunted in some ways I think.
I think it was easy to give Fergus a good life, but it has been much less easy to give him a good death. I feel I am doing my best to do that.
I don't think I could have done it while drinking--not like this.
Hope your days with your Fergus also bring some sense of comfort too as you also remember better past times with your dog. How awesome you found him under your log cabin!
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