Diary of a Mad Cow, Part III - Beware all ye who enter!
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Originally Posted by Lenina 
((((Cow)))) I know you believe in physics and fractals and such but please know the planets are in an awkward place so we are all feeling uncomfortable. Just know that as the world turns, we will begin to feel a little better.
have you read Anne Schaefer Wilson "A women's reality"? it's an oldie by now but helped me shape up into a place of comfort with my woman self. Also, Jean Shindola Bowen wrote a book breaking down the feminine pyche into seven archetypes of Greek goddesses. It helped me too.
I send you angry cuddles and some avocadoes.
love from the Cowgirl LeeLee
have you read Anne Schaefer Wilson "A women's reality"? it's an oldie by now but helped me shape up into a place of comfort with my woman self. Also, Jean Shindola Bowen wrote a book breaking down the feminine pyche into seven archetypes of Greek goddesses. It helped me too.
I send you angry cuddles and some avocadoes.
love from the Cowgirl LeeLee
Pretty soon, wish for Cow come true.
Woe is Moo.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Well, I make almost whole week sober, then, sobertage! I soberteur!
Here is weak link in my chains. Is happen same everyday. I wakes up, and still in bed, I know I not feeling good. I feeling ploopy and sour. Dead and vacant. So, I stays there. And I says,"No Cow! You not even getting out this bed until I has assurances you not gonna be stupid ass!" And so I meditates. I fortifies my intentions. And then, when I feels ready, I gets out of bed and start my day.
But then is this moment where I starting up computer, reviewing stuff I has to do, emails, looking into horizon of long day ahead and knowing that it gonna sucking suck, and I not gonna has any energies to be competent or any positivities to be interactive.
This moment feel very untenable, and brain know exactly what solve this moment. Is the caffeine! Hey, the caffeine is no booze, Cow! Go get some! You feel so much better. Is not that risky, you can handles a 1/2 cafe! Or just small Diet Pepsi. Come on!
And so I go, out the door, like Borg on a mission. And I does feel better, much better, alive. And I maybe does handle it, for day or two or five. But ultimately, is sobertage.
Here is weak link in my chains. Is happen same everyday. I wakes up, and still in bed, I know I not feeling good. I feeling ploopy and sour. Dead and vacant. So, I stays there. And I says,"No Cow! You not even getting out this bed until I has assurances you not gonna be stupid ass!" And so I meditates. I fortifies my intentions. And then, when I feels ready, I gets out of bed and start my day.
But then is this moment where I starting up computer, reviewing stuff I has to do, emails, looking into horizon of long day ahead and knowing that it gonna sucking suck, and I not gonna has any energies to be competent or any positivities to be interactive.
This moment feel very untenable, and brain know exactly what solve this moment. Is the caffeine! Hey, the caffeine is no booze, Cow! Go get some! You feel so much better. Is not that risky, you can handles a 1/2 cafe! Or just small Diet Pepsi. Come on!
And so I go, out the door, like Borg on a mission. And I does feel better, much better, alive. And I maybe does handle it, for day or two or five. But ultimately, is sobertage.
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But then is this moment where I starting up computer, reviewing stuff I has to do, emails, looking into horizon of long day ahead and knowing that it gonna sucking suck, and I not gonna has any energies to be competent or any positivities to be interactive.
I used to do the same - and then I'd never get anything done anyway cos I drank the day away.
Maybe getting on here when you feel the enormity of the day ahead is a good idea Cow?
D
Woe is Moo.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
Well is like only 1/2 block drive, D!
Actually, I not usually drink day away. I has the caffeine and it make me feel like actual living being and I gets lot of stuff done and has conversations with many peoples and mood is lifted, and all is bubbles and cakes ...until... ...oh no.... MANIA! That is when booze become imminent.
To be truthful, D, day is not that enormous. I not the freaking president. Is not THAT overwhelming, is just, there, in front of me, and I desperately wishes to meet it and engage with it. But I need spark. I not can plug in without 'help.' I not even has enough motivations to come here and whine about how I has no motivations!
I has to find fix for this moment of day. For this moment of mind. Where is feeling flood me that what I need is this caffeine spark. Cuz while spark light me up, it inevitable gonna burn me down. I play with the fire, till the fire play with me.
Actually, I not usually drink day away. I has the caffeine and it make me feel like actual living being and I gets lot of stuff done and has conversations with many peoples and mood is lifted, and all is bubbles and cakes ...until... ...oh no.... MANIA! That is when booze become imminent.
To be truthful, D, day is not that enormous. I not the freaking president. Is not THAT overwhelming, is just, there, in front of me, and I desperately wishes to meet it and engage with it. But I need spark. I not can plug in without 'help.' I not even has enough motivations to come here and whine about how I has no motivations!
I has to find fix for this moment of day. For this moment of mind. Where is feeling flood me that what I need is this caffeine spark. Cuz while spark light me up, it inevitable gonna burn me down. I play with the fire, till the fire play with me.
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As long as you think you need that spark - and you can't even rouse yourself to post without it - you've got a pretty tight self fulfilling prophecy there Cow.
You need to get all tae bo on your good self and kick some AV butt!
D
You need to get all tae bo on your good self and kick some AV butt!
D
Woe is Moo.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
I could post, but unless somebody standing by 24/7 with hyper-acute word of wisdoms, is very short sliver of intervention time. I feel like I need plan in place to circumvents whole thing.
What is AV?
And what is "good self?" (okay, I just kidding on that one.)
What is AV?
And what is "good self?" (okay, I just kidding on that one.)
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,880
Originally Posted by Cow
Well is like only 1/2 block drive, D!
Actually, I not usually drink day away. I has the caffeine and it make me feel like actual living being and I gets lot of stuff done and has conversations with many peoples and mood is lifted, and all is bubbles and cakes ...until... ...oh no.... MANIA! That is when booze become inevitable.
To be truthful, D, day is not that enormous. I not the freaking president. Is not THAT overwhelming, is just, there, in front of me, and I desperately wishes to meet it and engage with it. But I need spark. I not can plug in without 'help.' I not even has enough motivations to come here and whine about how I has no motivations!
I has to find fix for this moment of day. For this moment of mind. Where is feeling flood me that what I need is this caffeine spark. Cuz while spark does, indeed, light me up, is ultimately gonna burn me down.
Actually, I not usually drink day away. I has the caffeine and it make me feel like actual living being and I gets lot of stuff done and has conversations with many peoples and mood is lifted, and all is bubbles and cakes ...until... ...oh no.... MANIA! That is when booze become inevitable.
To be truthful, D, day is not that enormous. I not the freaking president. Is not THAT overwhelming, is just, there, in front of me, and I desperately wishes to meet it and engage with it. But I need spark. I not can plug in without 'help.' I not even has enough motivations to come here and whine about how I has no motivations!
I has to find fix for this moment of day. For this moment of mind. Where is feeling flood me that what I need is this caffeine spark. Cuz while spark does, indeed, light me up, is ultimately gonna burn me down.
I wish I had a solution or even a decent suggestion.
Did you know that AO had surgery today? Radical hysterectomy. She asked about you in her post this morning while asking all of us to send good energies her way and to help look after her dear Cow.
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Well I do my best but no, I'm not here 24/7 LOL.
There's always people around tho.
AV is Addictive Voice - the inner voice that leads you astray....a Rational Recovery concept which seems to have caught on everywhere.
I hope you can hammer out that cirumventing plan thingie
D
There's always people around tho.
AV is Addictive Voice - the inner voice that leads you astray....a Rational Recovery concept which seems to have caught on everywhere.
I hope you can hammer out that cirumventing plan thingie
D
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Aww, ((cow)).
I appreciate your honesty and the clarity in your description of your experiences. I'm going to tell you my own experience. I didn't function well until I found the correct meds for my anxiety disorder. This has been a life long condition, that prevented me from living a regular childhood. While I'm far from functioning "perfectly normally," the meds have made me feel more comfortable. They've expanded my functioning and my life exponentially. I wonder if the right combination of prescription medication would give you the spark you need in the morning without letting it tip into mania. I know you have tried all manner of treatments, traditional and non, but Cow, I felt the same way before I found the doctor who prescribed me the correct meds. Wishing you all the best, Cow.
I appreciate your honesty and the clarity in your description of your experiences. I'm going to tell you my own experience. I didn't function well until I found the correct meds for my anxiety disorder. This has been a life long condition, that prevented me from living a regular childhood. While I'm far from functioning "perfectly normally," the meds have made me feel more comfortable. They've expanded my functioning and my life exponentially. I wonder if the right combination of prescription medication would give you the spark you need in the morning without letting it tip into mania. I know you have tried all manner of treatments, traditional and non, but Cow, I felt the same way before I found the doctor who prescribed me the correct meds. Wishing you all the best, Cow.
Woe is Moo.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Thanks D, I thought AV mean audio/visual, as in film strip from grade school! Remember those? I really not sure if my AV is try to get to booze when it screaming for the caffeine. But they both substances/drugs, so I guess is all the same, yes?
Soberly, I not know about AO or her incredible kind words. ... ... Wow. Crap. Okay I gonna need some Kleenex in here.
Glee, welcome, and in case you has not read my thousands of tedious postings, I not able to take psyche meds because of seizure disorder. I not even able to take simple vitamin. Brain is KABLAAM from acute meth OD.
Soberly, I not know about AO or her incredible kind words. ... ... Wow. Crap. Okay I gonna need some Kleenex in here.
Glee, welcome, and in case you has not read my thousands of tedious postings, I not able to take psyche meds because of seizure disorder. I not even able to take simple vitamin. Brain is KABLAAM from acute meth OD.
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I thinks it's all the same yeah.
I remember AV very well...that's what we called a 15 inch tv set and a video recorder that took up half the room, back in the day.
Next time the AV shows up, try asking it to play you an educational video, lol
D
I remember AV very well...that's what we called a 15 inch tv set and a video recorder that took up half the room, back in the day.
Next time the AV shows up, try asking it to play you an educational video, lol
D
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Location: New England, USA
Posts: 3,958
Cow, I didn't realize the seizure disorder ruled out psych meds. Sorry.
How cool would it be to tell your story via an old school AV film strip. I loved when that big old cart came to the classroom. Remember when the "beep" meant it was time to change slides?
How cool would it be to tell your story via an old school AV film strip. I loved when that big old cart came to the classroom. Remember when the "beep" meant it was time to change slides?
Woe is Moo.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,746
My "addict voice" very old and rooted. Is 40 of my 48 year. And I not remember before that. So, for me, addict voice IS my normal voice. It feel like me. People say, "That you addict talking!" or when D say "When you AV show up..." This always confound me cuz is always same voice for me. Is like I need the total system reboot. If only I could re-installs operating system.
Yes Glee, I remembers! *boop*
Yes Glee, I remembers! *boop*
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My "addict voice" very old and rooted. Is 40 of my 48 year. And I not remember before that. So, for me, addict voice IS my normal voice. It feel like me.
I get it tho cos yeah my AV felt like me too.
Until I was sober about 2-3 months I had no idea there was this me, under all that.
Noone's dream is to be an alcoholic or a drug addict - ever...
we all dream of a better life...or better days ahead...or something, more than we have now.
Keep dreaming Cow
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Originally Posted by Cow
I could post, but unless somebody standing by 24/7 with hyper-acute word of wisdoms, is very short sliver of intervention time. I feel like I need plan in place to circumvents whole thing.
Ok, Cow. I got a plan for you.
There are parts, so patience......
My father, who is the sweetest man on the planet, used to love to read interesting self-help types of books. One trick he learned in all of these books was a method for deterring negative thoughts. He would wear a rubber band on his wrist and snap that thing whenever he had a negative thought. He wore it a lot, but I never saw him snap it. I don't think he really has that many negative thoughts.
Anyway, part B.
Cesar Millan trains dogs really well. When a dog starts getting into an uncontrollable frenzy he taps that dog on the rear to snap him out of his train of thought. The dog calms down.
I would offer that you combine these two methods. Rubber band on your wrist to snap you out of your frenzy. Once snapped out, come to SR to post.
Stop laughing, I am completely serious.
Really.
Woe is Moo.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Yes D, is like is NOTHING there except AV and that just what is. And I know is very probable I has to sit in this extreme untenable nothingness for month upon month to even glimpse what underneath. How is possible to do? Obviously, I not know yet.
I here because I not wanna die, without ever have live. Even though I not even know what it mean to 'live.' I just so wish for little calf that was there, before it all goes to hell, to has at least some chance to smile in this world before is back to oblivion.
I here because I not wanna die, without ever have live. Even though I not even know what it mean to 'live.' I just so wish for little calf that was there, before it all goes to hell, to has at least some chance to smile in this world before is back to oblivion.
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Originally Posted by Olive1
Ok, Cow. I got a plan for you.
There are parts, so patience......
My father, who is the sweetest man on the planet, used to love to read interesting self-help types of books. One trick he learned in all of these books was a method for deterring negative thoughts. He would wear a rubber band on his wrist and snap that thing whenever he had a negative thought. He wore it a lot, but I never saw him snap it. I don't think he really has that many negative thoughts.
Anyway, part B.
Cesar Millan trains dogs really well. When a dog starts getting into an uncontrollable frenzy he taps that dog on the rear to snap him out of his train of thought. The dog calms down.
I would offer that you combine these two methods. Rubber band on your wrist to snap you out of your frenzy. Once snapped out, come to SR to post.
Stop laughing, I am completely serious.
Really.
There are parts, so patience......
My father, who is the sweetest man on the planet, used to love to read interesting self-help types of books. One trick he learned in all of these books was a method for deterring negative thoughts. He would wear a rubber band on his wrist and snap that thing whenever he had a negative thought. He wore it a lot, but I never saw him snap it. I don't think he really has that many negative thoughts.
Anyway, part B.
Cesar Millan trains dogs really well. When a dog starts getting into an uncontrollable frenzy he taps that dog on the rear to snap him out of his train of thought. The dog calms down.
I would offer that you combine these two methods. Rubber band on your wrist to snap you out of your frenzy. Once snapped out, come to SR to post.
Stop laughing, I am completely serious.
Really.
likes to shop, Cow?
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Posts: 120,880
Originally Posted by Cow
Yes D, is like is NOTHING there except AV and that just what is. And I know is very probable I has to sit in this extreme untenable nothingness for month upon month to even glimpse what underneath. How is possible to do? Obviously, I not know yet.
I here because I not wanna die, without ever have live. Even though I not even know what it mean to 'live.' I just so wish for little calf that was there, before it all goes to hell, to has at least some chance to smile in this world before is back to oblivion.
I here because I not wanna die, without ever have live. Even though I not even know what it mean to 'live.' I just so wish for little calf that was there, before it all goes to hell, to has at least some chance to smile in this world before is back to oblivion.
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