Aellyce

Hey Guys,

An interesting and relevant test that I like:
Attachment Styles and Close Relationships

LBrain

too broad a question to answer. definitely not someone who was only a few months into recovery. other than that, it would depend on the person and circumstances.

KAD

If I can be honest about something here, this topic leaves me feeling a little gloomy because I am one of those recovering alcoholics. The idea that I might never find another woman who would want to give me a chance leaves a big hole in my heart. To be honest, it would be cause for me to not even admit it.

I'm not permanently damaged goods, and although there may be many who are eff'd up beyond repair, I'd wager there are just as many who are honestly, earnestly seeking to stay sober for the rest of their lives and just be normal. I'm one of those.

I answered that I'd prefer someone who had some significant sober time behind her, as opposed to just recently in recovery, but I could never in good conscience shun any woman just because she has the same problem I have, as long as we're both serious about keeping it under control.

Mountainmanbob

Before I got married I had no problem finding normies to date. Dated some pretty nice ladies before meeting my wife.

Just saying that two in recovery might not be the best.

Mountainman

MesaMan

'Dated some pretty nice ladies before meeting my wife.'

Hee hee. Love that Sentence structure. Pure George Burns.

FlyerFan

We are recovering forever. Sorry. Lol.

Gilmer

I am already married, so it's pretty much a moot question; however, if I were ever, God forbid, to find myself on the market again, I would look for someone with great character. If he were a recovering addict who had demonstrated stability and resolve to stay clean over a long period of time, I would definitely consider him. I consider myself to be an overcomer, and I respect others who overcome.

Mountainmanbob

hi Flyer
Since your brought this to the thread. Some as mentioned in the AA Big Book consider themselves recovered. Yes, there are long threads on this subject.

Have a good sober day
Mountainman

desypete

they would have to have a good handle on living sober and that takes years,

it sounds wondeful to have someone who is like yourself as you will have so much in common and can help each other etc

but sadly relationships and love can bring out the worse emotions to deal with sober, and if the relationship goes wrong ? how will people cope with the pain ?

hence they need a good long term sobriety for it to be a safe option in my eyes
i have seen to many young sober years memebers go insane as they got into a relationship and they drank again or worse case both people end up drinking again

i dont mix business with pleasure i dont go to aa to eye up the women or get laid i go for me to help me stay sober
doesnt mean i dont look at the women and wish lol but there just thoughts and easy to laugh at them : )

Croissant

Yes, I feel the same way. Not that I've thought too deeply about it, because it's not on the cards for a while...BUT, I do believe I am a loyal and honest person, so the integrity thing would kill me, and I guess I would have to broach it at some point in a relationship.

That being said, if they weren't an alcoholic, I'd rather get through figuring out if the person was right for me first, which sounds incredibly selfish....but I'm being honest. I don't feel the need to lay out my whole life story unless the relationship had progressed to solid dating/ commitment...I'd rather feel comfortable they were mature and solid enough to at least have that conversation with.

And, if they were a recovering alcoholic, I guess I simply don't know. I'd have to go with my gut feel of their integrity also, and what their life looked like now.

These are all very weird concepts to me though. I actually had a wonderful relationship when my drinking escalated. :/ long story.....but anyways, I just don't even know what dating looks like for me yet.

Mountainmanbob

We have a recovering couple in my home group AA meeting who had 4 years of sobriety, both went back out to drinking last week. Yes, they went out together.
These were ones who seemed to work a good Program. The good news is that they were not out there long and both are back in the Program.

As I have seen so many times before, just proves the point once more that it is tuff for a couple in recovery to both stay sober.

Mountainman

Aellyce

My personal problem with this whole topic: if I want drinking completely out of the picture, it can only be either someone in recovery or someone who is a non-drinker for other reasons. My issue with the "normal" drinker is that I really don't like, and would not want to limit anyone. I live in NYC... it's pretty much part of the lifestyle for most people to go to bars, have some drinks also in restaurants with friends... I have not been to a bar for a long time (was mostly a lone home drinker) and now feel a bit awkward eating out with someone who also fancy a few drinks so they have to drink it alone. I just don't want to impose any restriction on anyone.

The other reason why I sometimes fancy dating people in recovery is because I really like the self awareness many people in recovery have, it's just plain attractive to me, and I don't see it as often in people who did not go through some sort of serious issue in their life.

So, I am not sure... Guess I'll need to experiment with this, like many of you with longer term sobriety. I definitely won't say I don't want to date in the future, am too young for that and like intimate connections too much. Got to figure it out I guess sometime, not for a while though.

FlyerFan

Well, the day I am fully spiritually perfect, I will be in big trouble. So I like to consider myself recovering. Perhaps others can handle being completely recovered, but I need to remind myself daily that I need help. LOL

NoJimmy

I started dating recently and had similar concerns. I was very open why I do not drink, which was met with varying degrees of concern, but not once was it a deal killer. I am now dating an amazing gal who doesn't judge me for my past. She has confidence in who I am today, but has told me firmly that she would not accept being in a relationship with an excessive drinker.

I was also fairly surprised how many people out there either do not drink, or are very moderate drinkers. My girlfriend is the later.

KAD

There is another school of thought, RR being one of them, that stresses that we should never identify ourselves by our bad habits, past or present. In other words, we don't have to wear it like a badge. If a situation involving alcohol arises, we simply say we don't drink. If asked why, we could give any number of responses that may all be true without going into the personal details of having been in recovery. I usually tell people "I don't know when to say 'when,' so I just say 'No'." It looks too much like we have baggage if we belabor the issue to the point that it draws way too much attention to it. Make sense?

Doesn't sound selfish at all. Just because you had an alcohol problem doesn't mean you have to humble yourself to the point that you're happy to accept, and be accepted by, just anyone. Having had an alcohol problem doesn't mean you stop looking out for your own best interests, too.

So did I. My last relationship was pretty much saturated in alcohol and it was one of the happiest I've ever had. It wasn't until I sobered up that I realized I wasn't really that happy after all. I was the drinker, even though I hid it. She only occasionally drank wine.

caboblanco

there are some hot women who are recovering alcoholics...I mean i'm only a man

changeschoices

I posted previously saying I would never date another alcoholic or addict of any kind due to my previous experience dating an alcoholic. For myself, that rule will never change. The relationship nearly killed me, literally and figuratively, and it did massive amounts of damage to all aspects of my life.

I'm not saying no recovering addict should ever date again, but I think it should be brought up immediately upon starting to get to know someone. If I were to start dating someone and we were getting close and THEN they dropped the bomb on me that they were a recovering alcoholic, I would feel deeply betrayed. And I would have to end the relationship anyway. There are many people out there who have had their lives deeply damaged by addicts, and the only ethical thing to do is let people know right away what they are dealing with.

It's also a good way to find out if a prospective partner is willling to invest in the relationship with a recovering addict. Some will flee immediately, some will stick around. Better for all parties involved to know up front what the expectations are. I have a friend who is a recovering alcoholic and is dating the most amazing, accepting and loving woman ever. They are very happy and good for each other. So there are happy endings. Just...be very ethical and very honest from the get go.

MesaMan

Good giggle, Cabo, re: hot Women.

Our 37th year together is later this week. So, Da Wife and I talk about/joke about the Dating 'thing' should we ever wind up in that scenario. Plenty of our aging Pals do, so 'never say never'. I think I'll pass, however...

That said, I would date a Recovering Gal. To me, the commonality of Recovering is like both Parties having Crohn's Disease or Diabetes. In our case, we suffered together through a truly awful case of Whiplash. Our Attorney said that 2 Clients put a Gun to their Mouths to end the excruciating pain. Dig it. I understand that thinking. We're both pretty OK now. The ~2 years of incapacitation for just one of us would have been very hard for a healthy, unaffected Partner not in the Car Crash to deal with.

If I met a Gal who'd Rehabbed from a really bad Car Crash, or Whiplash, it would be much like the commonality of Alcohol Recovery. Or, so I thinks. What's the saying I've read here, and integrated into my thinking: 'Only an Addict understands another Addict'. The Parties might check one another against Drinking again. Kinda like sleeping with your Sponsor, eh? Hard to predict...

Meanwhile, there's Folks with Shopping or Gym Addictions. Or, all sorts of Baggage with their Relatives. So, I don't find Alcohol-related Baggage uniquely troubling. My experience is that it's a Big & Twisted World out there with all sorts of weirdness going on.

We kinda hit this topic in our House just a few days ago. Da Wife still doesn't 'get it' re: Sobriety. My rather-liberal Boundaries, which she knows will/are changing, confound and frustrate her. To Tears in this last go-round. Especially when I had to shut down - likely forever - wanting to Socialize as a 4-some with her Binge Drinking Gal Pal who I find uniquely obnoxious when hammered; especially after they both hit the Bong. These two could write the Book on being Codies to one another Drugging. Fortunately, that's a scenario that is not frequent; especially since I put the Kibosh on Dining with her & Hub even while drinking my Lemonade. My holding firm on my Boundaries has caused them to instead do Lunch. That keeps the Wine swilling and Bong hits in check. I figgered it would. Eff that scene. I don't need it in my Life. In a manner of speaking, I've told her to 'take it outside'.

Perhaps dealing with all this with a hypothetical Gal in Recovery could be more difficult, but I kinda doubt it. We're working through this stuff, and I could do it again if so inclined when dating in the future. I would be well into a Relationship before I would talk about my Alcohol/Sexual/Childhood history. Instead, I see myself solo on the California Coast in a lil Trailer with my Pooch while skipping the Geezer Dating Scene. It's been a good ride.

Oldselfagain

I 100% agree with this Haennie!! There is something really unique and cool about people in recovery and I could never quite find the words to describe that, but you've just done it for me.

PurpleKnight

Part of this thread would make me want to simply say I'm teetotal and don't drink (which I don't) if I met someone!! . . . that way the label "recovering alcoholic" wouldn't rule me out of some people's criteria!! . . . relationships have similarities with job interviews, start with mentioning the positives and don't dwell on the negatives!!