HopefulFaithful

I was dating a recovering alcoholic recently... you can read my posts about it on another thread. I really care about him. His latest email is kind of weird.. just today. I asked him how he is doing and how his recovery is going and he said "I am not on parole" and basically asked me to not email him. Then.. earlier in the week he sent a very appreciative email. It is really hard to figure out how to support a recovering alcoholic sometimes. I quit so so so long ago.. and I was VERY young when I had my problem. So my total immaturity when I had the drinking problem was during college years... and the immaturity more expected. So this grown man with grown kids I was recently dating... just updated his current dating profile and likens himself to a character from a movie... a VERY IMMATURE TEENAGE MOVIE PARTY BOY-ADDICT CHARACTER... but with a brain.. In a dating profile he says this. I was totally shocked..and laughed a little but also felt sorry for him... does he really think grown women want to date an idiot addict party boy.. but with a brain? I don't think any woman would want to date that except the type that would ruin your life. SAD. I have a friend who is still actively drinking and he is dating a woman who probably pours the liquor down his throat because she is so insecure that she is afraid he will leave her... that she wants to keep him drunk so no woman his age will steal him (she is 13 years older than he). She may want a totally immature high school like addict type with a brain.. but most grown women would not. There is SO MUCH WONDERFUL LOVE WHEN NOT ON A ROLLERCOASTER.

My recently ex, newly sober boyfriend... told me his last girlfriend before me was a recovering alcoholic.
I feel bad that he did not tell me he was actively drinking when we started dating, and that he lied to me and said he was sober 5 years. I feel glad he went back to rehab and is apparently now sober a few months.. but..WOW if he was honest from day one.. we could have had a great time, and become friends and then been only friends and our hearts would not be hurting and he would not be reacting like I am his mom. But because he put himself in the us versus them...position and lied.. well.. continuing in that train of thought even though he is sober.. it is repelling goodhearted honest kind friends who are not out to get him, not trying to investigate. But willling to support him. But he is reacting like he the victim of the spanish inquisition... This leads me to start wondering... about how oversensitive people in early recovery are... especially when they have relapsed a bunch of times like this guy has. Also.. it makes me wonder if there is a whole lot of work he needs to do to not feel picked on. I think even asking a simple question about how recovery is going (fishing for are you actually sober for real or not)... he reacts in a very inappropriate way... and kind of blasts the asker.

So.. I am not sure ... I would love to hear other people's thoughts who are more recently recovered from alcoholism. There seems to be a kind of us versus them mentality that just having a 20 something year history of hiding stuff from everyone brings... and that us versus them attitude...tends to lead towards a weird embracing of a carefree party boy idiot like the fictional character...
I am a pretty carefree and fun person... but I also have kids and responsibilities... and I don't overreact that often to people inquiring.... but once in awhile when my MOM asks.. I do...

So I am wondering... do a lot of recovering alcoholics treat everyone like they feel like they are a kid in trouble and everyone expressing any concern at all is like their MOM and develop some kind of us versus them... commerarderie... like the sober for years folks are the enemy and the alcoholics whether sober or in recovery are the only fun people.. ??? Does anyone get what I am saying and have examples? I think my ex boyfriend forgot that I used to drink... I am very sorry he feels picked on ... kind of weird since I don't talk to him much. But it is almost like he formed an permanent opinion of everyone who is not an alcoholic is picking on him.... That makes me sad and i do not know if his particular recovery program will address that...
Seriously, he is a very kind, very nice fun guy... he just has his thinking in this rut and not sure when that willl lift. But believe me I am not in the mood to listen to it right now..

HopefulFaithful

Raider.. I am sure you are loveable.. hug for you... and I hope your real life (rather than online) person shows up soon... Good luck...


WE ARE ALL FIXERS... not just the alcoholics. We all say stupid stuff, we all make mistakes and we all are responsible for watching our own behavior with our loved ones and not trampling them.

HopefulFaithful

Get me out... your sincerity will go a long long way towards keeping the right woman. Please tell the truth from the beginning. The lies hurt worse than realizing someone is an addict, by the way. I would date a recovered alcoholic if he showed extraordinary maturity... and did not treat me like I am the cause of his drinking.... the thing that is bugging me when I talk to my recently back from rehab (again) ex boyfriend...is I think he forgets to wash away all his previous experiences with people that were concerned about him... and he kind of assumes the world is black and white like co-dependent and alcoholic. I hope that goes away for him. Because ... I came in many many years after the fact of his problems... and because he hid the problems I had to ask a lot of questions way after the time he should have told me... so he feels like he is picked on just for my wanting to know the real status of his recovery. That makes me sad... so my tip is be very careful and allow your potential partner to have feelings about really wanting to know what is what.. and even if you do relapse tell the truth and be humble. In my recent ex boyfriend's case.. i know why he was drinking.. it stems from parental abuse.. so it has nothing to do with me... I am not the cause.. I do not know how to act in a way he can accept ... that people can have concern and that be valid..and not be co-dependent enablers. It is not so black and white.

KAD

In my own experience, this dynamic has existed only in the sense that, once it was known I had a drinking problem - which I freely admitted but then continued to hide it - I did feel like I was constantly being supervised, policed, and was going to be "in trouble" if I got caught. It did create a sort of parent/child relationship that I found very uncomfortable and frustrating. Once, when I was caught hiding alcohol, my solution was to buy a breathalyzer so my SO at the time could check up on me at any time. Oh, how I grew to despise that damned breathalyzer! It only reinforced the parent/child dynamic and I felt like a prisoner. But it was a dynamic I created. I knew the terms of the relationship were such that I either continue to drink and go my own way, because she wasn't going to put up with it, or behave like an inmate subject to frequent inspections. Really, I wanted neither, but it was the situation I created and saw no way out. So, now the relationship is over...

KAD

Never once have I blamed my drinking on anyone but myself. I had a rough childhood with an abusive father (who did not drink at all but was a religious zealot) and grew up with very low self esteem. I think that set the stage for turning to some substance as an escape, but I have always known the responsibility is all mine. I could have stopped but I didn't. I continued until I got physically hooked, and now had to go to the doctor to get help quitting. This is day 6 for me after a month and half long binge. I was sober 3 months before that. I sincerely want it to be the last time. I am taking Antabuse again and will stay on it this time.

HopefulFaithful

Thank you Get Me Out. I really appreciate your perspective.

gardendiva

I have been married to a recovering drunk and an active drunk. One ended in divorce, the other in death. Currently married to a normie and thankful for him every day.