How do I tell my new employer what I mainly do outside of work?
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Chicago, IL
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I ended up telling my new boss this when he asked me what I do for fun at one point this week (at the advice of my mom who is also in AA) ...
"I'm part of a church group. We go out to restaurants, hang out, and stuff. It's pretty fun." It didn't come out quite the way I wanted to and it felt awkward. I should've kept it more simple and just stuck to the "hanging out with friends and getting coffee" explanation or something. Now I need to figure out how to keep talking about this "church group" over time when I'm asked about it.
"I'm part of a church group. We go out to restaurants, hang out, and stuff. It's pretty fun." It didn't come out quite the way I wanted to and it felt awkward. I should've kept it more simple and just stuck to the "hanging out with friends and getting coffee" explanation or something. Now I need to figure out how to keep talking about this "church group" over time when I'm asked about it.
Another aspect for me was motive in telling an employer. When newly sober before the job I wrote about in my earlier, post, I was given a job ideal for early recovery. I told them I was alcoholic and an AA member, but it was with the wrong motive. Rather than wanting to help,others and spread the message, I was looking for them to cut me some slack, make allowances, when I didn't turn up, or goofed off on the job. I learned after a while that this was not the right way to approach things.
I would be with Uncle Holmes today. I don't broadcast to all, but I am interested in helping others and I can't do that if I remain so anonymous that no one knows I have a possible solution. Besides, helping others is vital to my continued well being.
I would be with Uncle Holmes today. I don't broadcast to all, but I am interested in helping others and I can't do that if I remain so anonymous that no one knows I have a possible solution. Besides, helping others is vital to my continued well being.
There is no reason to discuss your life outside of work with your employer.
No reason.
I am afraid this could open up a world of problems for you. They will be keeping their eye on you and God forbid they see you in public at a concert or festival. There have been a half-dozen times in my one year of sobriety that I had to shop for a party or holiday and yes, this included buying alcohol for my non-alcoholic family and friends. It was usually just as simple as getting a phone call on the way to somewhere and people asking me hey would you pick up a bottle of _________. Can you imagine somebody and see me at the store? A coworker if they knew about my personal life?
I strongly suggest keeping your personal life separate from your work life.
And if your boss asks about your life outside of work, you could say really anything. This is because when we don't drink we do lots of stuff sober including walking the dog, washing the car and going to movies.
No reason.
I am afraid this could open up a world of problems for you. They will be keeping their eye on you and God forbid they see you in public at a concert or festival. There have been a half-dozen times in my one year of sobriety that I had to shop for a party or holiday and yes, this included buying alcohol for my non-alcoholic family and friends. It was usually just as simple as getting a phone call on the way to somewhere and people asking me hey would you pick up a bottle of _________. Can you imagine somebody and see me at the store? A coworker if they knew about my personal life?
I strongly suggest keeping your personal life separate from your work life.
And if your boss asks about your life outside of work, you could say really anything. This is because when we don't drink we do lots of stuff sober including walking the dog, washing the car and going to movies.
At first I was super anonymous about it. After a while, not only did I feel comfortable sharing it with my co-workers and employer but I began sharing my AA-life with my clients (I was a stockbroker / financial planner). It was kinda scary at first, letting clients who's money I'd managed for over a decade know that I was sober and in recovery. I didn't think it'd take them long to realize that, yup....sure enough, I was managing their finances drunk for most of the time I'd known them.
One of the things a fabulous mentor (my great-grand-sponsor) told me: He'd never experienced any lasting pain from being honest. Maybe something hurt for a bit but eventually everything worked out to be better - when he told the truth. I'd been a liar most of my life and I felt pretty miserable.........so maybe doing the opposite would work, right?
I almost never hide my alcoholism.....my past....and my current participation in recovery. I don't necessarily mention AA but I do use the term "in recovery" if it comes up.
Recovery has been one of the best things to ever come into my life - it would be irresponsible and selfish NOT to share it. I can't tell you how many times sharing a brief part of my past and present has led to someone asking me if I could give them some advice, or talk to their kid, or speak to someone in their family.....
All those blessings would have been missed if I'd continued to rely upon myself and not practiced my 2nd and 3rd step. Initially I only trusted me and my own judgment of how things would play out. Getting a better 2nd and 3rd step taught me that there was probably another possibility......that it probably involved doing the opposite of what I "felt" would be best for me......and that I should probably put into practice this new "trust in God" stuff that I was saying I was doing.
AA pushes honesty. I've found when I am honest, even if vague, I don't generate crap like I used to. Now you have crap in your head because you embellished the truth and are afraid you will have to embellish it some more in the future. A never ending cycle. Why don't you consider not talking about your "church group" rather than keep talking. That or come clean altogether if you must discuss your personal time. No point in digging the hole any deeper.
I ended up telling my new boss this when he asked me what I do for fun at one point this week (at the advice of my mom who is also in AA) ...
"I'm part of a church group. We go out to restaurants, hang out, and stuff. It's pretty fun." It didn't come out quite the way I wanted to and it felt awkward. I should've kept it more simple and just stuck to the "hanging out with friends and getting coffee" explanation or something. Now I need to figure out how to keep talking about this "church group" over time when I'm asked about it.
"I'm part of a church group. We go out to restaurants, hang out, and stuff. It's pretty fun." It didn't come out quite the way I wanted to and it felt awkward. I should've kept it more simple and just stuck to the "hanging out with friends and getting coffee" explanation or something. Now I need to figure out how to keep talking about this "church group" over time when I'm asked about it.
Work the steps on this. Stop making your boss and fellow co workers your higher power.
What you mention here is my old drinking behavior of mine. Start out witn one lil thing then before long craps coming out of my mouth and im hoping the story isnt brought up again because i wont remeber all the bs lies.
But youre more than free to keep it up, of course. Best of luck to ya if ya chose that.
I feel strongly that there is a huge difference between honesty and privacy. And I think that sobriety falls into the privacy category.
What's funny is that now that I'm sober I'm totally honest with my work. Late because of a flat? Honest. Ran out the door and forgot my work keys? Honest. Sick in bed with the flu? Honest. I'm an open book now that I'm sober. I lied all the time when I was drinking. People would ask "Are you okay?" I'd lie and say I had trouble sleeping. Late because of a hangover and keys were lost when I was drunk? I lied and made up a story. Why am I sweating in January? Must be coming down with a bug (again). Ah crap, used that one last week. Ummm, I just ran up the stairs. My eyes were also red because my contacts were bothering me. Lie again.
I'm pretty darn honest now but not about my sobriety though. I am honest about being a non-drinker even though you'd be astounded at how rarely this actually comes up. One of my favorite things about being a non-drinker is that none of my behaviors outside of work affect my work one bit, one shred, one iota. Work party? Sure, people know I'm a non-drinker. So are 30% of people.
What's funny is that now that I'm sober I'm totally honest with my work. Late because of a flat? Honest. Ran out the door and forgot my work keys? Honest. Sick in bed with the flu? Honest. I'm an open book now that I'm sober. I lied all the time when I was drinking. People would ask "Are you okay?" I'd lie and say I had trouble sleeping. Late because of a hangover and keys were lost when I was drunk? I lied and made up a story. Why am I sweating in January? Must be coming down with a bug (again). Ah crap, used that one last week. Ummm, I just ran up the stairs. My eyes were also red because my contacts were bothering me. Lie again.
I'm pretty darn honest now but not about my sobriety though. I am honest about being a non-drinker even though you'd be astounded at how rarely this actually comes up. One of my favorite things about being a non-drinker is that none of my behaviors outside of work affect my work one bit, one shred, one iota. Work party? Sure, people know I'm a non-drinker. So are 30% of people.
Another thing I've found when telling some people at work that I used to drink too much and now go to AA is they almost always "get it". No need to tell them any more of my personal life concerning what happened when I drank, the trouble I got into, which meetings I go to. And they almost always never ask me to tell me more about my drinking.
I've found that when I reveal this I get instant respect about being honest with them and find telling some people at work is actually an asset and not a liability at all. It's only a liability if I started to drink again. They've got their own set of problems to worry about and doubt they're wondering if I'm drinking or not.
Sometimes my co-workers will tell what's going on in their lives, what they do on weekends. And sometimes I'll say I did this and did that and then throw in I went to two AA meetings on Sunday and that the meetings really help my sobriety. I've never gotten a negative comment about me telling them that I went to a meeting. And to let them know that I'm not anti-alcohol I tell them it's ok if they drink as long as I don't drink. Sometimes I tell them I sometimes wish I could drink but know that if I even pick up one I'm going to want more and more. They get it and seem to admire me and think I'm an interesting person when telling them this.
I've found that when I reveal this I get instant respect about being honest with them and find telling some people at work is actually an asset and not a liability at all. It's only a liability if I started to drink again. They've got their own set of problems to worry about and doubt they're wondering if I'm drinking or not.
Sometimes my co-workers will tell what's going on in their lives, what they do on weekends. And sometimes I'll say I did this and did that and then throw in I went to two AA meetings on Sunday and that the meetings really help my sobriety. I've never gotten a negative comment about me telling them that I went to a meeting. And to let them know that I'm not anti-alcohol I tell them it's ok if they drink as long as I don't drink. Sometimes I tell them I sometimes wish I could drink but know that if I even pick up one I'm going to want more and more. They get it and seem to admire me and think I'm an interesting person when telling them this.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
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"I'm pretty involved with a group at church, and I like to read a lot." -- generally my response except I add in the easy excuse of kids' soccer games and the timesuckers my boys are :-)
My closest friends at work know, no one else does. Like it or not, I work in a very judgmental profession.
My closest friends at work know, no one else does. Like it or not, I work in a very judgmental profession.
"I'm pretty involved with a group at church, and I like to read a lot." -- generally my response except I add in the easy excuse of kids' soccer games and the timesuckers my boys are :-)
My closest friends at work know, no one else does. Like it or not, I work in a very judgmental profession.
My closest friends at work know, no one else does. Like it or not, I work in a very judgmental profession.
We're not that unique. There's more people than we realize who know that this is a disease and that if we've now got a track record of sobriety that addiction is no longer a liability.
In many cases it's an asset cause the recovering person is gonna want to be a good worker cause they want to make up for lost time. They're also more likely to be sincere and honest.
One of the cool things to come out of working AA's 3rd step for me has been the practice of not playing God. In the case of this thread, it's been the practice of not trying to manipulate what other people think of me, not trying to control it, not trying to manage it and, ultimately, not caring what other ppl think about me. Now, I don't mean I get to be a jerk and then not care that other ppl were hurt.......I'm talking about the every-day type of control i'd always tried to manage. Let go.......trust I'll be ok so long as I walk the spiritual path. SOOOOOO much lighter on my feet with that practice in my life. Just tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may. And, as I said earlier, I've yet to be burned once by doing this......not once.
I've worked for some huge Fortune 100 companies.. HP, Dell
in my career. Most people THINK human resource, I.e. HR are out for their best interest but in my experience it's just the opposite!! Like other members said, I give them 110%when I'm in the office but when I leave I don't tell anyone nada other than close friends.. You're just a number that's located on your badge!!!
in my career. Most people THINK human resource, I.e. HR are out for their best interest but in my experience it's just the opposite!! Like other members said, I give them 110%when I'm in the office but when I leave I don't tell anyone nada other than close friends.. You're just a number that's located on your badge!!!
^^^^^^^That!
I totally believe in that. If people on the job were to judge me, which they never have, I would be okay with it. If they do judge me or were to fire me because I'm in recovery then they probably don't need to be in my life anyways. So I wouldn't care. I would think God probably has a better plan for me.
I totally believe in that. If people on the job were to judge me, which they never have, I would be okay with it. If they do judge me or were to fire me because I'm in recovery then they probably don't need to be in my life anyways. So I wouldn't care. I would think God probably has a better plan for me.
^^^^^^Same page, you and me there Unc!
I don't care who I'm working for, what my job is, what my title is...... I'm honest about my life, my past and what I'm doing now.
"......a way of life which demands rigorous honesty" means, to me, a way of life which demands rigorous honesty. So the question came to me at x-months, "What areas of my life am I not being honest about? " and the tougher next one was, "what areas of my life am I still playing God......refusing to practice turning over.......refusing to trust God with?" One of them was my work life. I was a commission based financial planner. I handled LOTS of money for very wealthy ppl and I was SURE I'd lose their business if I told them I'd been wasted for the past 15 years.
"The spiritual life is not a theory, it has to be lived" right? So how do I live a spiritual life? Well, maybe I try trusting God with my work-life and quit trying to manage and control it. "God's either everything or nothing" right? So if I don't practice trusting God with things like my work life it means I'm choosing nothing. I didn't like the way a future looked with my 2nd step choice being "God is nothing......I'll handle X, Y and Z as I see fit.:
I don't care who I'm working for, what my job is, what my title is...... I'm honest about my life, my past and what I'm doing now.
"......a way of life which demands rigorous honesty" means, to me, a way of life which demands rigorous honesty. So the question came to me at x-months, "What areas of my life am I not being honest about? " and the tougher next one was, "what areas of my life am I still playing God......refusing to practice turning over.......refusing to trust God with?" One of them was my work life. I was a commission based financial planner. I handled LOTS of money for very wealthy ppl and I was SURE I'd lose their business if I told them I'd been wasted for the past 15 years.
"The spiritual life is not a theory, it has to be lived" right? So how do I live a spiritual life? Well, maybe I try trusting God with my work-life and quit trying to manage and control it. "God's either everything or nothing" right? So if I don't practice trusting God with things like my work life it means I'm choosing nothing. I didn't like the way a future looked with my 2nd step choice being "God is nothing......I'll handle X, Y and Z as I see fit.:
I've worked for some huge Fortune 100 companies.. HP, Dell in my career. Most people THINK human resource, I.e. HR are out for their best interest but in my experience it's just the opposite!! Like other members said, I give them 110%when I'm in the office but when I leave I don't tell anyone nada other than close friends.. You're just a number that's located on your badge!!!
Co-workers will pretend not to judge you but it's human nature--they'll judge you. Try getting a (significant) promotion or attempting to move into leadership role when your co-workers and bosses know you're in AA, NA, etc. I highly doubt it'll happen--and I'd never recommend anyone to take a chance by being "open and honest" with your personal life in the workplace--but I guess one can always 'chance it'? That said, I guess it depends on your career goals within said company.
Agreed!! Both of my parents (and an uncle) are executives for Fortune 100 companies... Ever since I've been in the workplace they've insisted I keep my personal life separate from my work life. I ignored their advice on my first job; never again!!
Co-workers will pretend not to judge you but it's human nature--they'll judge you. Try getting a (significant) promotion or attempting to move into leadership role when your co-workers and bosses know you're in AA, NA, etc. I highly doubt it'll happen--and I'd never recommend anyone to take a chance by being "open and honest" with your personal life in the workplace--but I guess one can always 'chance it'? That said, I guess it depends on your career goals within said company.
Co-workers will pretend not to judge you but it's human nature--they'll judge you. Try getting a (significant) promotion or attempting to move into leadership role when your co-workers and bosses know you're in AA, NA, etc. I highly doubt it'll happen--and I'd never recommend anyone to take a chance by being "open and honest" with your personal life in the workplace--but I guess one can always 'chance it'? That said, I guess it depends on your career goals within said company.
ABC news anchor Elizabeth Vargas went through alcohol rehab with support from the station and it didn't stop her from staying on top. Same with .many others.
I know for me there's a freedom that I mentioned to several co-workers that I used to drink too much and go to AA. In my case I've been sober for 23 years and have no reservations about drinking again.
After I told some people this, it's rarely talked about unless I bring it up. I highly doubt many people are thinking about me and my recovery.
Most people I know are focusing on their jobs on what they have to do, trying to cope with their own stress, financial issues, work issues, their families and friends after work, their own interests.
As long as I'm sober and show up on time, don't miss many days, and most of all am a good worker and get my work done, I don't feel any judgement from people telling them I'm in recovery and have been sober 23 years.
I thought that todays (August 29th) AA Daily Reflection might be pertinent to this thread...
I CHOOSE ANONYMITY
We are sure that humility, expressed by anonymity, is the greatest safeguard that Alcoholics Anonymous can ever have.
— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 187
Since there are no rules in A.A. I place myself where I want to be, and so I choose anonymity. I want my God to use me, humbly, as one of His tools in this program. Sacrifice is the art of giving of myself freely, allowing humility to replace my ego. With sobriety, I suppress that urge to cry out to the world, "I am a member of A.A." and I experience inner joy and peace. I let people see the changes in me and hope they will ask what happened to me. I place the principles of spirituality ahead of judging, fault-finding, and criticism. I want love and caring in my group, so I can grow.
I was told by an old-timer that my program relies on me being honest with myself, and not being dishonest with others (but also not necessarily telling people things they have no need to know or business knowing). He told me to never put myself in a vulnerable position in my career, because he'd seen others do that, and when people turned against them; gossiped; or they got treated with undue suspicion, this was a threat to their sobriety. That said, my boss knows (in confidence) that I am a member of AA, but that was because she put herself out to help me, and got me counselling, etc. when she was really worried about my well-being. I already knew her very well before making the decision to confide in her. A few colleagues who I consider to be friends first and foremost also know, but again, I would not have confided unless I trusted them.
I CHOOSE ANONYMITY
We are sure that humility, expressed by anonymity, is the greatest safeguard that Alcoholics Anonymous can ever have.
— TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 187
Since there are no rules in A.A. I place myself where I want to be, and so I choose anonymity. I want my God to use me, humbly, as one of His tools in this program. Sacrifice is the art of giving of myself freely, allowing humility to replace my ego. With sobriety, I suppress that urge to cry out to the world, "I am a member of A.A." and I experience inner joy and peace. I let people see the changes in me and hope they will ask what happened to me. I place the principles of spirituality ahead of judging, fault-finding, and criticism. I want love and caring in my group, so I can grow.
I was told by an old-timer that my program relies on me being honest with myself, and not being dishonest with others (but also not necessarily telling people things they have no need to know or business knowing). He told me to never put myself in a vulnerable position in my career, because he'd seen others do that, and when people turned against them; gossiped; or they got treated with undue suspicion, this was a threat to their sobriety. That said, my boss knows (in confidence) that I am a member of AA, but that was because she put herself out to help me, and got me counselling, etc. when she was really worried about my well-being. I already knew her very well before making the decision to confide in her. A few colleagues who I consider to be friends first and foremost also know, but again, I would not have confided unless I trusted them.
That said, my boss knows (in confidence) that I am a member of AA, but that was because she put herself out to help me, and got me counselling, etc. when she was really worried about my well-being. I already knew her very well before making the decision to confide in her. A few colleagues who I consider to be friends first and foremost also know, but again, I would not have confided unless I trusted them.
No idea. Certainly not 'officially'. Luckily, it's not something I want for myself anyway. I already have as much responsibility as I want.
My boss is a funny old stick, and not 'typical' in her field, or of humanity. She sees me working my recovery through AA as 'brave'. This is quite ironic, as it was fear that led me to tell her about it. Every time I went to a meeting I was paranoid about who might see me going in and decide to phone and complain that she's employing an alcoholic. Or maybe already HAD. (Talk about paranoia eh!!) In the end I decided that I would rather just tell her myself so that I could just get on with going to meetings an know if someone did report back, then she was forewarned and forearmed. In the end it was good that she was aware, because when I started getting quite emotionally sick, she ensured that I got the help I needed, which in turn prompted me to start working my recovery program properly (with a sponsor and the steps, not just sitting in meetings waiting for the Sobriety Fairy to sprinkle me with her magic dust).
But, as far as promotions?? Who knows?? The only way I;d be able to tell is by applying for one, and I wouldn't risk doing that in case she gave it to me!!
My employer is happy that I am in recovery and in AA.
I am a lawyer and I have been active in my state's lawyer assistance program (chairman) and lawyers in recovery, so it is not a stretch for anyone (who didn't get the opportunity to see me drunk when I did that every night for 13 years) to deduce that I am in recovery.
I was a "public drunk" when I drank, and my absence in the bars that I went to every night was noted when I got sober.
Other peoples' knowledge may vary on this issue, which is why anonymity is an option.
Some people work in a dog eat dog environment in which others may try to use the fact we are in recovery against us or even lie about whether we are sober.
I am a lawyer and I have been active in my state's lawyer assistance program (chairman) and lawyers in recovery, so it is not a stretch for anyone (who didn't get the opportunity to see me drunk when I did that every night for 13 years) to deduce that I am in recovery.
I was a "public drunk" when I drank, and my absence in the bars that I went to every night was noted when I got sober.
Other peoples' knowledge may vary on this issue, which is why anonymity is an option.
Some people work in a dog eat dog environment in which others may try to use the fact we are in recovery against us or even lie about whether we are sober.
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