A Journey to Self Love
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: London
Posts: 501
hold myself back from life by carrying around old, incorrect beliefs that I am unworth
and it is those beliefs that CBT changes. sometimes in minutes, sometimes in a few days, but they normally do change.
There is hard, empirical evidence that lack of self esteem is a direct result of irrational beliefs. it has been proven time and time and time over in labs all over the world.
and it is those beliefs that CBT changes. sometimes in minutes, sometimes in a few days, but they normally do change.
There is hard, empirical evidence that lack of self esteem is a direct result of irrational beliefs. it has been proven time and time and time over in labs all over the world.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Greentree, PA
Posts: 276
Great thread!
For me, the journey has to start with letting go.... Letting go of the chaos that keeps me stuck.
If I loved myself enough I would not:
Be late for every single important appointment or date. Why do I cause myself so much stress?
Put off projects, paying bills, self-care (such as dental appts., preventive tests, etc.) until the last moment, or beyond. Avoidance is a way to keep the worry/anxiety alive.
Fail to do what needs to be done first thing every day so that I can relax and do something I want to do. Wasting time ensures that I never have to focus on what I really want to do.
Keep myself stuck in relationships and situations that don't work for me anymore. That's the hardest one!
Do everything that others ask me to do no matter what I have on my own schedule. Functioning as everyone's doormat really keeps me stuck, and allows resentment to eat away at my positive thoughts.
As you can see....I've got a long way to go on this journey to anything resembling self-love. Thanks Phinneas for some great food for thought!
Ashley
For me, the journey has to start with letting go.... Letting go of the chaos that keeps me stuck.
If I loved myself enough I would not:
Be late for every single important appointment or date. Why do I cause myself so much stress?
Put off projects, paying bills, self-care (such as dental appts., preventive tests, etc.) until the last moment, or beyond. Avoidance is a way to keep the worry/anxiety alive.
Fail to do what needs to be done first thing every day so that I can relax and do something I want to do. Wasting time ensures that I never have to focus on what I really want to do.
Keep myself stuck in relationships and situations that don't work for me anymore. That's the hardest one!
Do everything that others ask me to do no matter what I have on my own schedule. Functioning as everyone's doormat really keeps me stuck, and allows resentment to eat away at my positive thoughts.
As you can see....I've got a long way to go on this journey to anything resembling self-love. Thanks Phinneas for some great food for thought!
Ashley
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Once upon a time there was an island where all the feelings lived; happiness, sadness, knowledge, and all the others, including love.
One day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean.
So that day all the feelings when to prepared their boats to leave. Love was the only one that stayed.
She wanted to preserve the island paradise until the last possible moment.
When the island was almost totally under water, love decided it was time to leave.
She began looking for someone to ask for help.
Just then Richness was passing by in a grand boat.
Love asked, "Richness, Can I come with you on your boat?"
Richness answered, “I’m sorry, but there is a lot of silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you anywhere."
Then Love decided to ask Vanity for help who was passing in a beautiful vessel.
Love cried out, "Vanity, help me please."
"I can't help you", vanity said, "You are all wet and will damage my beautiful boat.
Next love saw Sadness passing by.
Love said, "Sadness, please let me go with you.
"Sadness answered, "Love, I'm sorry, but, I just need to be alone right now."
Then, Love saw Happiness.
Love cried out, " Happiness, please take me with you.
"But Happiness was so overjoyed that he didn't hear Love calling to him.
Love began to cry.
Then, she heard a voice say, "Come Love, I will take you with me."
It was an elder.
Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his name.
When they arrived on land the elder went on his way.
Love realized how much she owed the elder.
Love then found Knowledge and asked, "Who was it that helped me?"
"It was Time", Knowledge answered.
"But why did Time help me when no one else would?" Love asked.
Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered,
"Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."
One day it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean.
So that day all the feelings when to prepared their boats to leave. Love was the only one that stayed.
She wanted to preserve the island paradise until the last possible moment.
When the island was almost totally under water, love decided it was time to leave.
She began looking for someone to ask for help.
Just then Richness was passing by in a grand boat.
Love asked, "Richness, Can I come with you on your boat?"
Richness answered, “I’m sorry, but there is a lot of silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you anywhere."
Then Love decided to ask Vanity for help who was passing in a beautiful vessel.
Love cried out, "Vanity, help me please."
"I can't help you", vanity said, "You are all wet and will damage my beautiful boat.
Next love saw Sadness passing by.
Love said, "Sadness, please let me go with you.
"Sadness answered, "Love, I'm sorry, but, I just need to be alone right now."
Then, Love saw Happiness.
Love cried out, " Happiness, please take me with you.
"But Happiness was so overjoyed that he didn't hear Love calling to him.
Love began to cry.
Then, she heard a voice say, "Come Love, I will take you with me."
It was an elder.
Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his name.
When they arrived on land the elder went on his way.
Love realized how much she owed the elder.
Love then found Knowledge and asked, "Who was it that helped me?"
"It was Time", Knowledge answered.
"But why did Time help me when no one else would?" Love asked.
Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered,
"Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."
doing the inside job
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
Every true dan about the elders or old timers.
They love me until I could learn how to love myself.
Anyhow, this was every helpful to help me heal or grow.
There's a power post in the ptsd section by morning glory.
The critical vioce or dealing with guilt
I also did the cool breathing tech.
I kept an open mind and followed good orderly direction.lol
The cool breathing tech works if I apply it.
It hasn't been habitual for me yet...but I knows it works.
Helps every, very much to lower or releave stress/ tension in my brain.
The critical vioce artical/instrutions made a huge different.
It's the differnent of beating up on myself and loving myself.
that'll be .....misery and soberity.lol
Like I said...I'm naterually left handed, I was CONDITIONED to write
with my right hand. Mmmmm.... Wonder what other crap I was
conditioned to do, think, feel, belive or lived.???
They love me until I could learn how to love myself.
Anyhow, this was every helpful to help me heal or grow.
There's a power post in the ptsd section by morning glory.
The critical vioce or dealing with guilt
I also did the cool breathing tech.
I kept an open mind and followed good orderly direction.lol
The cool breathing tech works if I apply it.
It hasn't been habitual for me yet...but I knows it works.
Helps every, very much to lower or releave stress/ tension in my brain.
The critical vioce artical/instrutions made a huge different.
It's the differnent of beating up on myself and loving myself.
that'll be .....misery and soberity.lol
Like I said...I'm naterually left handed, I was CONDITIONED to write
with my right hand. Mmmmm.... Wonder what other crap I was
conditioned to do, think, feel, belive or lived.???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Decisions, Decisions...
You know the high stress consulting job I talked about in an earlier post? Well, you are not going to believe this! I decided to give my notice on Monday. At 6 o'clock on the Friday before (yesterday), I get offered what amounts to a very big promotion - a cherry picked job with a whole lot of potential. It's not confirmed and won't be for a week or two. But, NOW WHAT? I mean, this could be a really, really big deal for my career.
On the other hand, it could be a ploy by this manager to keep me and the other consultants. He received a complaint about the work hours and stress from a different person on the team. In the meeting tonight he asked to get together with the two of us contractors who were there to discuss the work loads and stress and managing that with personal lives. This is either a ploy, like I said, or it could be sincere. I don't trust this guy, but I will say that if I do get this new position, I would be working with his higher-ups, not him as much.
Do I stay the course of walking away from this job now? Do I give it a week or two and see how it turns out? Do I resign myself to being assimilated by MS?
I dunno, folks. Just when I caught a glimpse of the right path, the universe throws a curve ball.
What do you guys think?
--phinny
On the other hand, it could be a ploy by this manager to keep me and the other consultants. He received a complaint about the work hours and stress from a different person on the team. In the meeting tonight he asked to get together with the two of us contractors who were there to discuss the work loads and stress and managing that with personal lives. This is either a ploy, like I said, or it could be sincere. I don't trust this guy, but I will say that if I do get this new position, I would be working with his higher-ups, not him as much.
Do I stay the course of walking away from this job now? Do I give it a week or two and see how it turns out? Do I resign myself to being assimilated by MS?
I dunno, folks. Just when I caught a glimpse of the right path, the universe throws a curve ball.
What do you guys think?
--phinny
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Phinny, is there anything that he could offer that would make this job something you would enjoy and find fulfilling? If so, make a list of what YOUR requirements would be and see what happens.
On the other hand, if you feel good about the path you were about to take, don't let this divert you. What feels right usually is what IS right, and your soul already knows what that is. Your heart and brain just haven't tuned in yet.
Sometimes I like it better when life just leads me. Making choices and decisions can be confusing. Just remember that you will still have choices tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and the day after that. Remain true to yourself and the choices will become obvious.
You inspire me, Phinny, because you're making me think here and this is a good thing right now.
Huge hugs
Ann
On the other hand, if you feel good about the path you were about to take, don't let this divert you. What feels right usually is what IS right, and your soul already knows what that is. Your heart and brain just haven't tuned in yet.
Sometimes I like it better when life just leads me. Making choices and decisions can be confusing. Just remember that you will still have choices tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and the day after that. Remain true to yourself and the choices will become obvious.
You inspire me, Phinny, because you're making me think here and this is a good thing right now.
Huge hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by Phinneas
Do I stay the course of walking away from this job now? Do I give it a week or two and see how it turns out? Do I resign myself to being assimilated by MS?
't won't kill you
But book an open ended ticket to the sun, just in case the next trapeze you need to grab is on that side of the horizon.
loldoing the inside job
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
Phinny
Just be kind to yourself no matter what
and know that you have everything inside of you already
and you're beautiful already.
Do your list...that's the real work. You remember,the paradox.
You are not your job. You're much greater.
Of corse you can handle it....if that's what you want.
The job/employment will take care of itself one way or another.
Somedays will be better than others.
I made my own decisions with my employment...so I don't
blame anyone, I'm not a victim
You know, Josh came knocking on my door out of thin air.
I was working on myself while everything on the out side seem
strange. I stopped worrying.
I truely belive God or univers sends people, places and things into my life
when I'm ready...that's what my spitual advisor tells me.
God is employer.....mmmm Nutz goes right to the top.
It's an open door policy as long as I keep my door open.
Just be kind to yourself no matter what
and know that you have everything inside of you already
and you're beautiful already.
Do your list...that's the real work. You remember,the paradox.
You are not your job. You're much greater.
Of corse you can handle it....if that's what you want.
The job/employment will take care of itself one way or another.
Somedays will be better than others.
I made my own decisions with my employment...so I don't
blame anyone, I'm not a victim
You know, Josh came knocking on my door out of thin air.
I was working on myself while everything on the out side seem
strange. I stopped worrying.
I truely belive God or univers sends people, places and things into my life
when I'm ready...that's what my spitual advisor tells me.
God is employer.....mmmm Nutz goes right to the top.
It's an open door policy as long as I keep my door open.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Originally Posted by DangerousDan
Give it a week or two.
't won't kill you
But book an open ended ticket to the sun, just in case the next trapeze you need to grab is on that side of the horizon.
't won't kill you
But book an open ended ticket to the sun, just in case the next trapeze you need to grab is on that side of the horizon.
I can tell you that when I am on my death bed, I am pretty sure I won't be saying, "gee, I regret not working more hours... or, I wish I had spent more nights and weekends at the office..."
Some curve balls serve only to strengthen my conviction. Some are a sign to slow down and see what happens. I'll give it a couple of weeks and see what the universe has in store for me.
hugs,
phinny
doing the inside job
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
The absolute knowing that something is yours is an irrisistiable force.
"That which I know is mine must come to me by the very law of
my Being."
You will still work, but your work will not be labour for reward.
It will be joyous expression of such inward wealth that you must
work to express the great joy of abundance in life.
You work in order that others may be enriched by your efforts.
If you doubt the principle of the universe.
mmmm....they won't work for you.lol
You can sit forever, lamenating how bad you've been,
feeling guilty until your death, and not one tiny slice of that
guilt will do anything ot rectify past behavior.
"That which I know is mine must come to me by the very law of
my Being."
You will still work, but your work will not be labour for reward.
It will be joyous expression of such inward wealth that you must
work to express the great joy of abundance in life.
You work in order that others may be enriched by your efforts.
If you doubt the principle of the universe.
mmmm....they won't work for you.lol
You can sit forever, lamenating how bad you've been,
feeling guilty until your death, and not one tiny slice of that
guilt will do anything ot rectify past behavior.
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
((((((((((Phinny)))))))))) I just found this thread before I went to my meeting earlier tonight, and I could not WAIT to get home and finish it. I am dog-tired, but I sat here, read it all, and soaked it all in. Thank you for starting it, and I would be honored if I could join you.
First off, I wanted to tell you that I believe you are a beautiful, caring, special woman. Your shining light comes through so well in your posts. Second, I am so grateful to find someone who feels the same way I do and isn't afraid to talk about it. I never want to post about seeking self-love because I don't want to sound like I am on the 'pity-pot' or trying to get attention. What you are doing here is so much more..... You are looking for answers, you are working to change your situation.... Dare I say: I want what you have got.
I have been working on self-love in much the same ways you have. Some days I can really tell it is working. Other days I just want to give up because, "who am I to deserve love?" (I know this is my disease talking. I am learning to tell it to shut the he!! up!)
I went to a retreat for women in recovery this weekend and it was an amazing experience. The most enlightening experience was an exercise called, "Unconditional Love." I understand it is something which is done alot in Alateen. Anyway, we split ourselves into two groups. One group had to stand with their hands at their sides, eyes closed, and allow the other group to come up and give us hugs. It sounds so sappy and simple, but it was so powerful. The idea is that the people being hugged are forced to accept love without giving anything in return. So many emotions went through my head as I stood there and allowed these people to love me. And then when I got to be the person doing the hugging, it was a different, yet equally amazing experience. Most of the time you have no idea who is hugging you, but it doesn't matter. It, and the rest of the weekend, really did wonders for my feelings of connectedness and self-acceptance. I highly recommend it if any of you have a chance to do anything like it.
I have rambled on here enough for now. I am going to take care of myself and head off to bed. Tomorrow is another day.
Love and hugs to all you beautiful people--
First off, I wanted to tell you that I believe you are a beautiful, caring, special woman. Your shining light comes through so well in your posts. Second, I am so grateful to find someone who feels the same way I do and isn't afraid to talk about it. I never want to post about seeking self-love because I don't want to sound like I am on the 'pity-pot' or trying to get attention. What you are doing here is so much more..... You are looking for answers, you are working to change your situation.... Dare I say: I want what you have got.
I have been working on self-love in much the same ways you have. Some days I can really tell it is working. Other days I just want to give up because, "who am I to deserve love?" (I know this is my disease talking. I am learning to tell it to shut the he!! up!)
I went to a retreat for women in recovery this weekend and it was an amazing experience. The most enlightening experience was an exercise called, "Unconditional Love." I understand it is something which is done alot in Alateen. Anyway, we split ourselves into two groups. One group had to stand with their hands at their sides, eyes closed, and allow the other group to come up and give us hugs. It sounds so sappy and simple, but it was so powerful. The idea is that the people being hugged are forced to accept love without giving anything in return. So many emotions went through my head as I stood there and allowed these people to love me. And then when I got to be the person doing the hugging, it was a different, yet equally amazing experience. Most of the time you have no idea who is hugging you, but it doesn't matter. It, and the rest of the weekend, really did wonders for my feelings of connectedness and self-acceptance. I highly recommend it if any of you have a chance to do anything like it.
I have rambled on here enough for now. I am going to take care of myself and head off to bed. Tomorrow is another day.
Love and hugs to all you beautiful people--
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Originally Posted by Lulu
Second, I am so grateful to find someone who feels the same way I do and isn't afraid to talk about it. I never want to post about seeking self-love because I don't want to sound like I am on the 'pity-pot' or trying to get attention. What you are doing here is so much more..... You are looking for answers, you are working to change your situation....
Thank you for your beautiful words. I am glad this topic resonates with so many people. It's amazing how easy it is to compare our outsides with other peoples insides.
--phinny
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: fumbling towards ecstasy
Posts: 2,551
Originally Posted by nutz
You can sit forever, lamenating how bad you've been,
feeling guilty until your death, and not one tiny slice of that
guilt will do anything ot rectify past behavior.
feeling guilty until your death, and not one tiny slice of that
guilt will do anything ot rectify past behavior.
I have huge guilt, regret and shame about how my addiction hurt the person I loved most in this world. This Pearl Jam speaks to my soul - powerful words, powerful music....
"Present Tense"
do you see the way that tree bends?
does it inspire?
leaning out to catch the sun's rays
a lesson to be applied
are you getting something out of this all encompassing trip?
you can spend your time alone, redigesting past regrets, oh
or you can come to terms and realize
you're the only one who can't forgive yourself, oh
makes much more sense to live in the present tense
have you ideas on how this life ends?
checked your hands and studied the lines
have you the belief that the road ahead ascends off into the light?
seems that needlessly it's getting harder
to find an approach and a way to live
are we getting something out of this all-encompassing trip?
you can spend your time alone redigesting past regrets, oh
or you can come to terms and realize
you're the only one who cannot forgive yourself, oh
makes much more sense to live in the present tense
And that guilt, regret and shame I still carry? Like you said, Mike, not one tiny slice of that guilt will do anything to rectify past behavior. Time to do some letting go....
--phinny
doing the inside job
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
You're a perfectionist.
A drug conselor told me this...It took me over year to figure it out.
WTF??lol I was sleeping my car.
Did I ever told you I'm also a recoverying perfectionist.
It tides in with guilt. My standards where so high of everybody
and myself. So when we make mistakes, we beat up/ demands on others
and be beat up on ourselves in a form guilt.
None of us are perfect in sense that we demands/vaule of ourselves and standards. But we're perfectly okey the way we are..humans
So..you know "lower your expectations" makes sense.
" it's not that I don't care, it's that I care too much"
mmmm.....balance ??
A drug conselor told me this...It took me over year to figure it out.
WTF??lol I was sleeping my car.
Did I ever told you I'm also a recoverying perfectionist.
It tides in with guilt. My standards where so high of everybody
and myself. So when we make mistakes, we beat up/ demands on others
and be beat up on ourselves in a form guilt.
None of us are perfect in sense that we demands/vaule of ourselves and standards. But we're perfectly okey the way we are..humans
So..you know "lower your expectations" makes sense.
" it's not that I don't care, it's that I care too much"
mmmm.....balance ??
doing the inside job
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: planet happy
Posts: 542
It's not all my problems, but it's a biggy that plays a major role
of how I live, think, feel.
I slept in my car during a summer in souther Ca.
will, I wasn't homeless, but home was a mess.
I was punishing myself from guilt.
Self dystructive behaviors , sabatage, I don't deserve this or that.
I delivbrately put myself in danagerous situations, hoping I would die.
Abussing drugs,alcohol, dangerous life style,
Incomprehencable demorlazation.
Are but a symtoms of the ROOT cuase of my guilt.
If god wasn't going punish me...I would. mmm....playing god.lol
Recovery has been trying to get to the bottom of what the hell is
wrong with me ? I found one of the major root cuases. It's deep
and intergrated inside of me. Getting rid of the guilt had been
hard work for me, but will worth my efforts.
Holy scmholy..... that was a journey !!!
mmm...I DON'T FEEL GUILTY FOR LOVING MYSELF TODAY.
I know you all told me this and I've told others.lol
It's an experince of a life time thou
My co-dependent issues.
There growth for me. Just the other night Sherry relapsed again.
For the first time, I didn't try to stop her, or tried to take the
keys from her. That guilt tried ...yes it did.
I love myself enough now without the guilt.
I was able to let go...If she dys, or get a DWI, Or kill/injure someone else.
It's not my fault.
of how I live, think, feel.
I slept in my car during a summer in souther Ca.
will, I wasn't homeless, but home was a mess.
I was punishing myself from guilt.
Self dystructive behaviors , sabatage, I don't deserve this or that.
I delivbrately put myself in danagerous situations, hoping I would die.
Abussing drugs,alcohol, dangerous life style,
Incomprehencable demorlazation.
Are but a symtoms of the ROOT cuase of my guilt.
If god wasn't going punish me...I would. mmm....playing god.lol
Recovery has been trying to get to the bottom of what the hell is
wrong with me ? I found one of the major root cuases. It's deep
and intergrated inside of me. Getting rid of the guilt had been
hard work for me, but will worth my efforts.
Holy scmholy..... that was a journey !!!
mmm...I DON'T FEEL GUILTY FOR LOVING MYSELF TODAY.
I know you all told me this and I've told others.lol
It's an experince of a life time thou
My co-dependent issues.
There growth for me. Just the other night Sherry relapsed again.
For the first time, I didn't try to stop her, or tried to take the
keys from her. That guilt tried ...yes it did.
I love myself enough now without the guilt.
I was able to let go...If she dys, or get a DWI, Or kill/injure someone else.
It's not my fault.
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
Originally Posted by nutz
I DON'T FEEL GUILTY FOR LOVING MYSELF TODAY.
I really like what you said about playing god. If my higher power wanted me punished, it would happen. It is not something I need to do on my own. I am getting better, but it definitely a slow process.
I did do some things for me this week. First, I made the decision NOT to go on a trip for work that was causing me a LOT of stress. I didn't even realize how much stress it was causing me until I made the choice not to go. I also applied for my dream job this week. I knew there was an opening for about a week, but I wasn't going to apply because I felt like I HAD to stick it out at my current job for at least a year. (I just started this July.) I thought about it a bit, and decided that was stupid! I should not pass up such an opportunity because of some idea I had about what was right and what was wrong. I won't leave my current job without proper notice, and I don't even know if I will be offered the dream job, but to let the opportunity go by without even giving it a try seemed insane. I will keep you all posted on what I find.
I am feeling at peace tonight. Tired, but peaceful. That is a nice feeling. I don't have any plans for the weekend except cleaning and meeting with my sponsor. I am looking forward to a lot of R&R!!!
Love you all, working on loving myself--
Hugs--
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