SnoozyQ

I'm wishing you well sweetheart xx

Lyoness

I think I've read at least parts of that or one of his books anyway. Seen him on PBS, too, he's pretty amazing. Wish I could go to his clinic. Probably if I got one of his brain scans mine would look like Swiss cheese. Maybe time to check out some of his writing again. I think I have some vids I taped of his PBS shows that I haven't seen yet.

Sometimes I don't check into stuff if I know I'm not up to doing the work. But even just reading/watching can help the brain.

Thanks.

Lyoness

Yes, plasticity is something I've heard about too and wonder if I have--and hope I do. I think you're right about expecting/wanting big changes so not seeing the little ones. Last time I really bottomed, I did major therapy and healing work, I did see big changes. But there was a period where all I did was therapy. Hardest work I've ever done and I did make some huge changes.

So I've been of that mindset and not sure if I could dedicate my entire life to that kind of intensive healing work again. I've been thinking it needs to be that big again. But maybe it doesn't. My counselor always talks about small steps, just doing what you can. Kind of like Dee's quote I guess, doesn't matter how you get there. That's something to ponder.

I thought of my thing for today. And that is that I get up (mostly) every day. May be more cowardice or something far less than bravery or much will, But I have been actually getting up. That's a big deal some days.

Thanks for suggesting and encouraging me to do this.

ardy

Hi Lyoness hang in there and if you have fears of the court systems and police.. this is the huge piece of why not to do that anymore..
prayers and hugs and you hang on to this group. for they are the best. love a mom...

Lyoness

Thank you. That means a lot.

Lyoness

Oh yeah, won't be making this mistake again! It's cost and costing me so very much. Like I've said in above posts, I didn't reckon to be here so didn't think much about any consequences. I'd be beyond grateful to go back in time and choose differently. But I can't and now I'm here facing my terrors.

And I'm profoundly grateful for all the love and support. I struggle with feeling I deserve it but I am deeply grateful. Deeply grateful.

Startingover444

Two things. Gratitude and getting up in the morning. See?? You are rocking it

Soberwolf

Popping in to say goodnight Lyoness

Tiredofdrugs

Hello Lyoness!

I want you to read this and pay attention!

OUT WITH THE OLD

Why hold on to the old, the worn out and the ineffective? Let's throw aside every behavior, every thought and every idea that is no longer producing positive dynamic results in our lives!

Each of us are born for a purpose! Live your life on purpose! No longer live by chance, luck, or circumstance.

Life is ten percent of what you make it and ninety percent of how you take it! When you're given lemons make lemonade! When you are confronted with problems see the possibilities! The great purpose of life is to make something of it that will out last you!

Don't hold on to yesterday's old failures! Let them be fertilizer for today's success. You'll be guaranteed a great crop. Forget the old things and refuse to do things the same old way! Be creative, be exciting, be new and different! Even an old mule won't step in the same hole twice!

There is a lot in that passage that you can put to use! If you have to sit down with one sentence at a time to figure it out? Then do it! Yes you have legal issues to deal with right now, but there's probably a bunch on here that's been right where you are and survived! Including myself! You have an Attorney representing you now and that means you aren't standing there by yourself in court! The pharmacist told the police you didn't forge all the scripts. That's to your good! Your Therapist is still in your corner! That's another plus!

You aren't hanging out in the wind hanging on to your skirt tail to keep it down! You've survived this long and can make it thru this crap too! Get up out of that bed and start putting your new home into a home. Your kitty must be very confused with everything in boxes all over the place?

Story for ya! Back in October 2005 when I was coming off the heavy amount of pain meds I was taking? I would stand in the living room window looking out in the pens at my Silkie chickens! They would all be standing out there looking back at me thru the window. They didn't understand why I wasn't out there taking care of them. Why others were showing up to care for them. I would stand there with tears running down my cheeks because I was so upset I put myself in a position I couldn't care for them. As I started feeling better and getting my energy back? I started with the stacks of mail I had all over the place. When the ppl helping me showed up I'd walk out with them so my Silkies saw their Momma! When I got completely well again? I spent hours scrubbing the house walls and other things that hadn't been cleaned in years. Then I attacked the Silkies' areas. Fresh hay was put down in their barn after I cleaned it all out! I also cleaned out the carriers in several different individual pens with momma's and babies in them. Gave them fresh hay too! Then I cleaned all the water bowls and filled them with fresh water. Everyone got fresh feed and treats too! There was happiness to be heard all around me from the Silkies! LOL

Regardless of how desparately you want to curl up and forget the world exists? You can't! The more active you are the better you'll feel! You have to get those good feeling endorphins in your brain to wakeup! Yes the dark cloud of court is hanging over your head, but you aren't in jail! The jails are full! Your county/city only wants money! So yeah! You're going to be out of pocket some money! You did the deed, now you have to pay for it! Sorry, but that's the truth!

As for that friend of yours that bailed on ya? I'm thinking she wasn't a friend to begin with! Friends don't abandon each other in times of need!

TOD

Timebuster

(((TOD))) Excellent post. Thank you for sharing your experience strength and hope.

(((Lyoness)))I was arrested at the pharmacy for forging scripts for a controlled substance, oxys. I spent eight hours in jail and was released on my own recognizance. I would be lying to you if I told you I wasn't scared out of my mind. But I told myself, If you want to play, you gotta pay. So I manned up and decided whatever the consequences were for my addict behavior there were nobody else's fault but my own.

I hired a good lawyer. The day of the hearing I told the judge the truth of my situation. And he took that into consideration and I was handed no jail time but two years probation with conditions. My probation was cut down to one year for good behavior.

You want to know what insanity is? The day I was arrested and as soon as I was released from jail the first thing I did was call my doctor so he can call in a script for me. During my probation I was using. I bought a urine bladder and had my clean friends donate their urine the days I had to go see my probation officer. How I got away with it is beyond any reason or thought.

My point is, we all have done some type of life long damage to ourselves during our drug addicted behavior. Some extreme, some not so extreme. But we learn from our mistakes and we move on. Tell yourself that you are letting go of the past so you can move forward in life. Every time you think of the past, remind yourself that you are letting go of the past. Tell yourself positive self statements like I forgive myself or I am letting go. The bottom line don't hold on to things you cannot change, and change the things you can.

Hugs and prayers
TB

finaltime

been a long time, good to read this stuff.

Lyoness

Thanks (((TOD ))) and (((Timebusters) )). A lot of food for thought. Will be reading your posts several times I imagine.

(((Finaltime))) so good to see you how are you?

I missed posting yesterday bc I was in bed but not for the reason you think! Plus I have my two things for Startingover--if I can remember them that is!

Well, actually, number one is Thursday. And I think all I did, including a 17 hour day does count for a few. I went on airport run with my housesit folks at 3:30 in the morning. Which means I didn't go to sleep at all Wed night. Airport is about an hour away and I needed to go town a little further on than that. So I parked in a nice little parking lot to try and sleep awhile.

I was in nice comfy van and that's where I made last posts from while trying to get sleepy. I did end up sleeping for 3 or 4 hours. When I woke up nature was yodeling at me. So I felt very clever what I did next. I noticed a rheumatologists' clinic near where I parked so I went in to get info about the docs and use the facilities! I always feel smart when I find a bathroom, the U.S. doesn't seem to see it as a right and they can be hard to find. (So score two for number two! Sorry, had to say it.)

I wound up being in town til almost 8pm during which I got a last minute appt. with psych and some new meds to try and also had a good talk with her about methadone which I'll save for another post. Also, my former doc and I have been clearing up a lot of stuff and she does want to help me with court case. (And it's definitely the doc and NOT pharmacist! Pharmacist lied and accused on my behalf and he's got other pharmacist doing his dirty work! )

And she's being willing to help me temporarily with the methadone. Not permanently and she can't/won't be my doc again but right now she's doing really, amazingly right by me. I feel terrible for all I accused her of but that was the information I had. But at least that means I don't yet have to switch to subs. I am SO grateful. She has no reason to help me, every reason to hate me, and yet she is. And yeah, I AM trying to learn from that.

So I got rx but all day I just knew that I was going to have trouble filling it. I could feel it. That's happened before, I've always been right when I had that feeling--and I mean for legitimate scripts. It took three pharmacies and four hours but I did finally get it. And it is for a tapering dose.

That's one thing that is a result of my legal issues. There's this one pharmacist who keeps refusing to fill legitimate prescriptions. It's NOT the same pharmacist or pharmacy (that one went out of business) where I made my mistake. But it is one where police went and falsely accused me. So she must have been who they talked to. Now, AG and state superior court KNOW the police were fantasizing at best but this pharmacist has decided to be judge, jury and hangman. I know I did wrong, but not to her. Does she have right to mess with my prescriptions like this?

Anyway, that's my long day and long tale and at least two things for my list. And why I was a slug yesterday.

Lyoness

I was just reading through Finaltime' s whole thread again and ran into a bunch of my own old posts from right when I first started posting. It's a real eyeopener, I don't even recognize myself or my writing. We are different in (very) active addiction.

I wrote something in one post that is really sticking in my brain. I'm gonna write it again here bc I want to see it, remember it, think about it. What I wrote is: I AM AN ADDICT. AND I CAN GET BETTER OR WORSE. MY CHOICE.

That's a powerful and painful thing to read. If someone else said it to me I'd probably be p***** at them. But it's my own words. Something to ponder.

Tiredofdrugs

Now you understand what we have been trying to get you to realize! I've been pointing this out to you for a couple of years now!

TOD

Lyoness

Knew that would catch your eye! Been hard for anything to penetrate the fog of depression these past few years. Like everyone here, I go forward and back, just been on back for awhile. I also know just cause I become aware of something doesn't guarantee success. Recovery and my attempts at it have been WAY different than I thought it would be.

I think I was hoping and believing too strongly that mental illness wasn't quite the monster lurking under my addiction that it's turned out to be. Wasn't ready for it and it's profoundly affected everything to do with my addiction. Like Cerberus, cut off one bloody head and another is there waiting to take its place.

I guess I'm saying I'm doing my best with what I got. And I fall and fail A LOT! And probably will continue to do so. Change is slow for me. Every major change has taken me years of hard work. And I got tired. And then I got numb. And I'm still battling the fatigue and the desire to be numb.

We'll see where it goes from here.

Tiredofdrugs

Did you have me? Sarge? In the back of your mind when you were typing that? It's okay with me! Other's may see me in different eyes than you do! You and I know that we've done a lot of private talking though! So we get it!

I feel you'll find a new you if you'd get off all the junk! That's why I keep pushing you to at least try it!

TOD

kzaug2014

Hi Lyoness,
It sounds to me like you're in presently in better spirits than you were a 1wk. ago. I'm glad!
My hubs was prescribed a ton of different antidepressants over the past 11yrs. ( over 20 at the very least. ) NOTHING worked for him & some literally screwed him up.
Last yr., his new psychiatrist did a DNA test on him which isolated which antidepressants his body could metabolize. Come to find out, there was a very good reason why dozens of those psych meds didn't worked on him. Out of a list of 50 different meds, his body would only metabolize ONE. Yep, only 1!
I suspect that are a lot of other people out there like him. I don't know where you're from ( besides a far away galaxy lol But maybe there's a professional in your neck of the woods that could utilize what I consider a medical breakthrough! It's a fairly new procedure, but it takes all the guesswork out of prescribing meds.
(( Hugs ))

Lyoness

Thanks!

I agree that a lot of us are unique and respond differently to different meds. I did get one DNA test done, though unfortunately my screw up and getting caught came before my old doc and I could really go through it all. The weird thing is that meds that were "okay" were ones that I had a terrible time with. So don't know what to make of that. Some of it matched up but some of it didn't match my experience. Probably if someone who understood it went through the results with me it might make more sense.

It did say on a lot of the opiates I would "need more" than the usual. Yep, 500 mgs of oxy a day, snorting and shooting, I am sure is what they had in mind!

I have felt better last couple of days. Don't know why. It's like the bad just comes over me and drowns me and then a day comes and I can finally (mostly) stand up again. My depressions have been like that, coming on sometimes so strong and suddenly it is breathtaking. And some have lifted in the past.

I did start with a new psychiatrist and she tried me an older antidep that failed royally. Now I'm trying a brand new one, only taken twice so far but the already the side effects are a million times less than that other one. So that's a good sign. Nausea seems to be the worst side effect and it's not unbearable.

Something she did that really helps me is that she diagnosed me with Dysthymia. At first I was upset. I did not understand what that was. I used to think it just meant you were not "happy", sort of depression lite. And my depressions are nothing resembling light/lite! But she said what it actually is is depression that never lifts. I don't go back to a non-depressed normal state. I am always in some state of depression. It can be as severe as suicidal or less than that but it's always there, never going away, never lifting. And that is my truth.

So we'll see if this new med makes any difference. I resisted antideps for two years now, but I gotta do something. And so I'm giving it a chance.

I also read about TMS, transcranial magnetic stimulation. It sounds farfetched but it seems to work for people. I don't think it's covered by insurance and I don't have that kind of money but there is one in a town an hour away and I'm going to find out more about it. Maybe a miracle will happen and they'll help me. Who knows?

How is your husband doing on that one? I hope it's working. Depression sucks, literally.

kzaug2014

Dysthymia...had to look that 1 up lol. And the description seems to be a bit of a contradiction in terms. Said it was mild, yet long term form of depression that interfere with your ability to function & enjoy life.
Any disease that would interfere w/ability to function & enjoy life is NOT mild, imo.

My hubs is doing great...finally! He's a wonderful man & I'm so happy that he's finally really happy.

Depression runs rampant in my family, mental hospitals, attempted suicides, the whole bit. I've been in therapy on & off my entire life. I've finally gotten a handle on it after 49yrs. Zoloft has always worked pretty good for me, w/o side effects. But, in all honesty, ti finally found true contentment & joy once I finally rid myself of all the narcotics I took for 10yrs. I know that you may not understand that, because I didn't understand it myself until "after" I got clean.

I was wondering if, under more normal circumstances ( like no court cases & backstabbing friends ) posting here often helps you to maintain a better mood ( w/people that understand what you're going through? )

I'm not familiar w/TMS either, so I'll Google that 1 too.

I hope you continue to feel well. (( Hugs ))

kzaug2014

Dysthymia...had to look that 1 up lol. And the description seems to be a bit of a contradiction in terms. Said it was a mild, yet long term form of depression that interferes with your ability to function & enjoy life.
Any disease that would interfere w/ability to function & enjoy life is NOT mild, imo.

My hubs is doing great...finally! He's a wonderful man & I'm so happy that he's finally really happy.

Depression runs rampant in my family, mental hospitals, attempted suicides, the whole bit. I've been in therapy on & off my entire life. I've finally gotten a handle on it after 49yrs. Zoloft has always worked pretty good for me, w/o side effects. But, in all honesty, ti finally found true contentment & joy once I finally rid myself of all the narcotics I took for 10yrs. I know that you may not understand that, because I didn't understand it myself until "after" I got clean.

I was wondering if, under more normal circumstances ( like no court cases & backstabbing friends ) posting here often helps you to maintain a better mood ( w/people that understand what you're going through? )

I'm not familiar w/TMS either, so I'll Google that 1 too.

I hope you continue to feel well. (( Hugs ))