Originally Posted by
Startingover444 
I guessed you were having a tough time. Your counsellor is right, you are STILL willing to try things. That is for sure a positive and proof that you are not ready to throw in the towel.
When is your next date for court? Once that is all over you can start to rebuild your life, but yes It must be so difficult with that hanging over you.
I have a feeling though, that 2016 will be a better year for you. I don't know why but I just do. I think this year you have been through absolute hell but that has proved how strong you really are even though you probably don't believe it.
I do hope going into town gave you a little boost and you got yourself some nutritious food. I always find moving helps if I am depressed. Yet sometimes it is so hard to move.
BTW who prescribed the anti depressants? Do they have any other options for you to try? Or is it too early to tell that they are not helping?
First, thank you.
I appreciate your empathy and sensing I was not doing so great. Second, you read above how my day went. I have this inner dialogue, trying to buy some food for myself with that voice telling me why, "you're not going to need it." Well, I am committed to taking care of housesit kitty so that's for next two months. Two months to figure out something.
My next court date is Monday. It is a "status hearing" where basically my lawyer is going to ask for more time to put our case together/figure out what to do. As I've been pretty much a basket case, nothing has happened in the past two weeks. I also have to go get my picture taken and fingerprinted. I am avoiding this. It is so frightening to me, so demeaning and dehumanizing. Labeling me a criminal no matter what the truth is. It just sucks.
I hope 2016 will be a better year. I will turn 52 in a few weeks, just before the new year. I know this is going to sound strange but it always seems like the 1 year of a new decade (i.e. 21, 31, etc.) is a really hellish year. I do NOT try to feed this thought, I try to do everything I can to make it not so. But it just seems to turn out that way. I won't go into a big list, but those years are always years of hell. I don't know why, why that number seems to be cursed for me but it is.
So I'm hoping just hitting 52 will help things get better. Sounds wacky, I know, but it's happened every "1" year so something is up.
And I trust your feeling about this. Sometimes people just sense things and I am going to trust yours.
I am going to call my psychiatrist on Monday and hopefully talk to her before the holiday. Ask her about these side effects and how long I should give it to work. Like I said, it seemed to be working at first but now I feel like I'm just sinking again, with irritability and short temper added just for fun.
The way the "leaving" feelings hit me out of the blue today also worries me. I haven't had a lot of these experiences, but a few trials of antidepressants got me feeling angry, aggressive, suicidal. It can be hard to sort out what's "real" and what's from the medicine so I need her to help me clarify. But if it's the med....well, that's the end of that trial! I can get suicidal all my own thanks very much.
That leaves one more to try. One that my genetic testing said is a good choice for me. If that doesn't work then I don't know.
Ideally I would be working with a skilled Naturopath, acupuncturist and other "alternative" practitioners but my insurance doesn't cover them. But maybe I could find some to do sliding scale or pro bono or something. (I'd say work exchange but I'm not very reliable right now.)
I thank you (and everyone) for your continued compassion. I feel like I am just driving everyone crazy and away. I mean I just feel that I offer nothing but misery and that really sucks. I really don't want to be this giant loser that I've turned out to be, honest.