Soberwolf

Startingover444

Lyoness put the idiot on "ignore" get yourself a hot bath and a cup of tea. We brits swear by that.

Do you remember when I said about putting all our eggs in one basket and then that basket disintegrates we lose all our eggs? Start looking for more baskets sweetie xx

Lyoness

I guess that's my problem. I've lost every basket I thought I had. And I dont know where or how to look for new ones. Obviously I choose terribly every time. I don't feel that I can trust anyone new at this time. They'd just screw me over too.

And who would want a mentally ill drug addict who is a "criminal" for a friend anyway? I feel so bullied, so betrayed, so pulverized, I could not trust anyone. And I especially cannot trust my radar it seems to only lead me to people who want to hurt me. (To be clear I'm NOT talking about you or SR )

I just have to learn to live like I always have, friendless and alone. That's the vast majority of my life's experience. I just got fooled again.

Soberwolf

Sorry Lyoness

Lyoness

I never wrote about the lawyers. Truthfully, I was so scared and nervous and had just gotten by TEXT that my "friend" would not back me up, that I was pretty out of it for the appt. He gave me a lot of info, most of which I can't remember. I forgot about recording it until too late.

He said it was a complex case and I have to choose how I want to approach it. But I need him to explain it all again,let him think I'm a stupid dingbat.

He did verify there were only two charges, that the DA or whoever could likely see that the rest of the crap the cops were trying to accuse me of was crap. That was a relief. But, he said they could still try to use those lies against me in building a) case. So that's bad.

I did find out some stuff about ex-doc though. She actually fought for me, at risk to herself. She tried to ask that no charges be made against me because she knows how much I've suffered already. She even understood that what I did came out of suffering rather than the b.s. the cops and accuser were trying to peddle.

So it turned out I was wrong about a lot of things with her. She did still lash out at the beginning leaving me to believe and understand based on what she said and did. But she's now told me other reasons why she did what she did. And they are valid. (e.g. her liability made her cut me from practice. However, she could have TOLD me that rather than what she did which was pretty harsh.) So,not saying I trust her but have more information.

Also, acc. to lawyer I am essentially "blacklisted" so not sure how I'm ever supposed to get a doc.

Thank you all for supporting me through this. I may have no face to face support but your words of kindness really help.

Lyoness

Thank you.

kzaug2014

Hang in there Lyoness.

Startingover444

I am glad you found something about your previous doc that wasn't bad. That must be a huge relief to know that she hadn't deliberately obliterated you from her care.

Let us know how you are doing. I do get that only person you can really trust is you. Sadly that is the case for a lot of us. I have been sh*t on many times and I choose who I tell stuff to carefully. Also I try not to get too close to people. That is just my defence mechanism and I am sure it helps and hurts me equally.

Keep your chin up girl. You WILL get through this

Tiredofdrugs

Hello Lyoness!

Sending you good wishes and problem solving Tinker Bell fairy dust to make them fly by quickly!

TOD

Lyoness

I was stunned to find out she really had been fighting for me. The choices I saw her make painted a different story and we've cleared a lot up. Doesn't mean I'm going to trust her but at least I don't have to feel like I did before, which was pretty rotten.

I get so confused when it comes to trusting. Early, like at birth, I learned you can't trust anyone. So I end up in all sorts of mixed up states, trusting too much, too little, sometimes both at once. But this last loss, I really thought I could trust this person, she'd proved herself many times so it was a shock. I've spent the last week literally crushed and paralyzed with grief. Did nothing, I couldn't.

After something like this I do lose trust in everyone and everything but mostly myself. How can I trust myself when I keep choosing the wrong people? How can I trust myself in anything? That's where I go and I am. At least if you can trust yourself that's one person, right, but what if you haven't even got that? Then what do you do--I just don't know.

I do know how much I appreciate your reaching out and belief I'll make it. If someone believes maybe...... Thank you, truly.'

Lyoness

Thank you. That means more than you know. Plus you gave me a smile.

Startingover444

What you do is this. Firstly start to realise you are still here and who got you here? You. So there is your first step. We all make bad decisions but not every decision you ever made was bad. Sometimes it just feels that way. Dig deep and find some things you have done that served you well. I promise there will be some. Those are the things that you can start building on. Slowly slowly.

It is human nature to focus on the negative stuff and forget the good stuff. And it is bloody hard to remember the small things that do make sense or are good for us to remember. But make yourself do it.
Number 1 can be your doc is not as awful as you first thought. That is good right??

Number 2 can be that your lawyer is doing their utmost to help you?

Lets hear number 3 to 5 and see where were go from here. And no this is not easy but it is essential to getting your mind out of the paralysing state that it is just now

Soberwolf

Thinking of you Lyoness I too have massive trust issues I know exactly what you mean

Lyoness

Thank you both so much, startingover and soberwolf! The format of SR suddenly changed on my phone and there's no thank you icon. I hope it changes back to normal because I can't send or receive PM's either. Frustrating!

Anyway. I see the wisdom and the difficulty of what you ask, startingover. My mind ALWAYS lives in the negative, the worst case scenario and I don't trust anything good. Or I'm like those people who believe in the evil eye or something. I'm afraid to acknowledge anything positive for fear of it being taken away and/or being punished for it. (A lot of people did a lot of damage to me.) And I still cannot stop this way of thinking. Frankly, I'm terrified to.

I know that may be hard to understand, it's only in the last few years I've come to understand this myself.

But I'm willing to try what you say. Today I feel more functional than I have for the past week for which I am grateful. Being a crushed, nearly catatonic, smelly, insane mess is not what I want.
So maybe that counts as three? I'm starting a housesit tomorrow which begins with a 3:30am airport run. I have been dreading while catatonic but today I am moving some.

Number four is my counselor hasn't dumped me and still wants to help me. I think that reflects on her, not me, to be honest. But still I am grateful.

Number five, I did move. Even with all the chaos, fear, physical and emotional pain, I did move. My new place is a mess and I've done nothing for a week, but I'm here.

The thing is, I can write all this and some of it I do feel. But also I can just go blank, shut down, stay separate from what I write/say. And I know that is what you are after having me change. And I honestly don't know if I can do it. There's a war, or fundamental split inside of me that I have to figure out how to resolve.

In the meantime, I appreciate your ideas and suggestions, and especially support!

JD

Loyness, on your phone scroll all the way down to the bottom of the page. Go to view full site.

Lyoness

Thank you!!!!

Startingover444

Sometimes we have to fake it till we make it. I have a friend who is so positive and always sees the good side of everything. Sometimes I want to kill her because I cannot do it However, it has been proven that the more we acknowledge even the slightly more positive stuff different pathways are created in our brain. No it isn't easy and it can be downright annoying especially when we really don't feel it

Your 5 reasons are brilliant. They are 5 excellent things to be positive about. Lets have another 1 per day

Lyoness

Yes, I know someone who is annoyingly positive and I want to throttle her at times too. I don't want to live in denial, like I feel she sometimes does, but then again I guess there's not much danger of that, lol.

I do believe, or at least want to, th st the brain can change. That's why I read about neuroscience, trauma's effects on the brain, genetics. It actually makes me feel better, like I'm not at fault for what was done to me. That gives me hope, at least temporarily. And the folks doing all this research are trying to figure out how to heal and change the brain.

I guess I just lose hope, or I don't see any changes, or I struggle with the fake it til you make it or all of the above. This dialectic at my core is the big challenge. I have inner decisions and choices to make that I've been struggling with my whole life.

In any case, I will keep trying to do as you ask. Thank you and too!

Soberwolf

I want to qoute something Dee74 wrote but I have to find it ...

It doesn't have to be graceful just get there ~ I love that qoute

& have you read 'change your brain change your life' by Dr Daniel Amen its all on the stuff you have just mentioned I think that book is excellent

Whatever happens know you always have us

Startingover444

I think it is called the brains plasticity or something. I hear you on losing hope, but even now you sound stronger to me than you had been.

Often times the changes are there but we are expecting such big whopper like changes we don't notice the smaller ones.

Like sober wolf says, get there, it doesnt have to be gracefully