Thank you everyone for your kind words, you don't know how deeply they touch my broken heart.
I wish I understood what was wrong with me, why I go up and especially DOWN with such rapidity. I've just been in a pit of despair these past few days, not sure what to do or why I felt human for a few days then back to this. I guess fear of court is part of it. Even tho I know basically what to expect I am still terrified.
And you're right Startingover that I should get that horrid task over with but I am terrified of that too. Just the thought of going into the jail, where I will be treated like a GUILTY criminal and "processed" totally freaks me out.
So I'm falling back into my hole--hiding, sleeping, not eating much,trying hard to distract myself, crying and wishing I didn't exist. I just don't have any energy, little hope, no enthusiasm for living. I'm still grieving losing my friend who has been there for me very much but who can't risk my friendship any longer.
I can't help it but I feel like garbage, like I'm always being thrown away. That's why I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me, I've been tossed out like garbage since my birth and after over fifty years of it I have to say it IS me. There is something basically, intrinsically WRONG with ME. And to be clear, I'm not saying that in hopes you will all deny it. It's just the truth that I am trying to face and stop denying.
I'm just so tired of fighting and struggling. But also afraid to feel "good" or trust anything good. I am stuck in a mire, or maybe I am the mire, and I just keep roiling and twisting and turning and getting more stuck. And I feel guilty for not being able to get myself out, unstick myself. But I just can't and I can't figure out why or see or feel any hope. Like I said, I just feel tired and mired in guilt and grief and can't get anything done.
And that causes more guilt and I'm afraid all of this will just push all of you away too. I sound so selfish. I guess I AM so selfish. I do know others are suffering and hurting too, some far worse than me. I feel it and I know it but it doesn't help me push through the inertia. Instead I just feel even more guilt.
I just feel like I don't know what to do and can't do anything anyway. And I'm so sorry to be such a total downer but this is my truth, is my life. I feel like I am letting everyone down, but honestly this is the best I can do now.
But one thing I CAN do is say thank you, each and every one of you for your kindness, your support, your reaching out and caring for someone like me.
