Startingover444

Hey Lyoness. How are you doing? I do hope all is well x

Lyoness

Hi all, thank you for checking up on me and posting everyone. You have all been in my heart and mind if not onscreen. I have been doing better on my mood I think, with the new antidepressant but have been struggling with bone deep fatigue. It took me til the past day or two to figure out why I'm so tired, honestly too tired to go online at all, let alone post.

My fatigue has been building these past couple of months and I've attributed it to depression, the dark winter, stress, maybe medications and so on. But this feels different from all of those or like a whole lot more than that. It's the kind of fatigue that just pins you to the ground and you cannot do anything. And if you do peel yourself up and do something then you have to rest for a couple of days. And this is where not having a primary care provider is a real problem, no continuity of care, no one to figure out what's going on.

But I finally realized my anemia is back. It feels like it did before, and it's awful. So I'm trying to take my iron every day and I'm going to get some iron rich foods. I haven't been shopping because of the usual craziness in my life.

I managed to clog the upstairs toilet again, which is ridiculous. I was careful or so I thought. Anyway spent two days waiting for plumber who just comes in and gets it fixed in minutes. I had tried with a plunger and a snake but you need a special snake for toilets. Then Friday I was going to see my psychiatrist, I'd left enough time to get there, had all my questions ready, and my battery is dead. Brand new battery too.

So I try to use housesit folks car to charge mine. Can't get the hood open, it's tricky, and I've had problems with it before. No one in the neighborhood home for a jump. Ask to use their car, fine no problem. Drive down the long, windy, narrow driveway, get to the mailbox and stop to check. I don't know if I shut engine off or it died, I can't remember but usually don't turn engine off for that. Anyway, the car did DIE. Would not start. Tried and tried and tried. Not electrical.

Go through the insanity of texting and calling my housesit people, trying to figure out a tow. They have AAA but have to be there to use it. I have insurance but it has to be my car. GRRRR. I was doing this and . Finally realized they had insurance with towing, spent the usual hours waiting to get through, they set it up. Then switch me to roadside assistance people and it turns out that THAT car is not covered, the other one is. So I have to pay out of pocket, nearly $100. What can I do? Can't leave car there. So I give them my info. and start crying. That is a HUGE sum of money to me and I just can't waste it on something like this.

So I try the car one more time and it starts. Hooray! I immediately call insurance to cancel the tow. I waited over half an hour on hold to finally get it done, in the meantime the tow truck is on the way. So I'm hoping they will refund my money, they charged me before even calling the tow people. But I have proof to back me up if I need it. I texted tow people immediately so it shows how soon I cancelled. I'm telling you, being on hold to crappy music you can barely hear for ages makes me a very cranky, angry Lyoness.

So I turned the car back home. Someone or something did NOT want me to go to my appt. or that town that day and I gave in. Threw a temper tantrum first of course but by the time I got home I was just so grateful to be there. So that wore me out, too!

Today I got a jump and hopefully it will last til tomorrow for my counseling appt. and I need FOOD! Going to start eating kitty crunchies soon.

Other than that, I went to my status hearing on Monday and got one more postponement. Because of the two Monday holidays I have over a month to really make my decision. I'm grateful for the extra time because my housesit will be ending which means several days of cleaning, packing and unpacking, etc. And I want more time to see if I can get the anemia under control.

I'm waiting to hear back on what the DA will accept/offer in terms of reducing my charges. I'm also looking into the mental health court. I talked with one of the people there and he was very kind and informative. He seems to actually like his job which is a good thing. It would mean a lot of appts and going to town, maybe up to five days a week and that does worry me. As it is I go to town once a week or even once every two or three weeks. And I wonder if I would truly be up to it? Would I be able to follow through or would all the health stuff, the weird stuff, all the stuff that gets in the way get in the way? And is it the right program for me? Would it truly help me or is it for a different set of needs? Sounded like that was partly the case. I'm going to try and find out more though.

I have been on my new antidepressant for two weeks and I do feel it is helping. I had a few really good days at first, then sort of up and down and now maybe leveling off. I started at the smallest dose and don't know if I should increase or not. That was one of the things I wanted to talk to my psych. about.

One thing I have noticed is that it does help with cravings. I don't think it's directly, like hitting the same neurotransmitters (well, it's definitely not hitting same NTs). What it is is that the less depressed I feel the less I crave opiates. It's so simple and obvious but I did need it pointed out to me through this. When I'm depressed I'm thinking about drugs. I may not have access to them, to my doc's, but I think about them, or how to get them. But as the suicidal/despair feelings stabilize the cravings evaporate. I don't need the drugs because I'm not trying to escape horrible pain.

I've noticed this several times. My depression is not cured but there is a stabilizing effect happening and that is what I was hoping for so much. Just something to help me not be at the peak of despair, at the worst place where all I want to do is die. To have a fair fighting chance. So I hope this medication will be that, it's given me signs it's doing that, I just hope it will last. Give me a chance to try some other things to get well, too. Have the ability to address things more and reach out and get more help.

I want to thank you all for your support and care and kindnesses. They really help.

As you can probably tell, this is a functional day, I had meat and iron pills yesterday and rested all day. But if I don't post for a bit it just means I'm resting and will come back as soon as I can. I want to know how everyone else is doing too. And like I said, even if I'm not posting, I'm thinking of you all.

lesa

My daughter drug s got her in jail .as her mother i know i can sleep tonight knowing she safe for now

Soberwolf

So good to hear from you Lyoness

Lyoness

Thanks soberwolf. It feels good to be able to post again. Now that I'm understanding where my fatigue is coming from I feel more able to deal with it and less terrified. I'm a catastrophic thinker, always expecting the worst, as you've all noticed but if I get information it can help. And I'm trying to do as you all suggest and trying to get my thoughts in a more positive direction.

I've been practicing that with the anemia/ fatigue. Just trying to think of concrete things I can do, trying to think of getting better, trying to not freak out if I'm exhausted and just need to rest. It's practice.

This morning was super sunny, the bright sun was beaming through my window, felt like it was saying hey there, it's okay, let all this light in. (It's been a VERY dark winter with heavy rains, fog, etc.) I thought about the positive affirmations/thinking everyone is always encouraging me to do and I always find so challenging and confusing. But I thought of a new way to approach them. I thought I could do it the same as the one day at a time thing with using. Just for today have that positive thought. I don't have to have it forever (which scares me, my mental programming IS that messed up), just for today. So I'm going to give it a try.

I have a counseling appt. today and need food desperately so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that my battery is still holding yesterday's charge and I can get out. Just seeing all that light out there makes me want to go outside even just to stand and soak it all in. It has been a rough winter, maybe 10 days of sun out of two or more months. So it's really something and I feel it like a battery being charged.

I hope everyone has a sunny day too.

Fabat50

I am really happy that you checked in. Despite dealing with some of those annoying things that life tends to throw at us you actually sound quite upbeat and positive which is great. Are you still tapering?

Lyoness

Thanks. I do think the antidepressant is helping me because I could cope with these things in a better fashion than I would have a few weeks ago. Not that I didn't do some swearing, yelling and crying at the car thing, lol. But it feels good to be able to access other parts of myself besides suicidal depression.

Yes, I am still tapering. My former doc, the one who prescribed it in the first place but is not doing primary care anymore, has chosen to help me through the taper. I am so grateful to her. We're going slowly so as not to kick my mental illnesses into further high gear and try to keep stability as I dose down. She requests/requires that I keep seeing my psychiatrist, which I am. And hopefully since she's doing my taper I can find a primary care physician since they won't have to deal with that.

I'm grateful to be able to taper, because I want to be able to stay sober when I'm off the MAT drugs. Going slow and now being on the antidepressant feels like it will (hopefully) give me the stability and time to work on other aspects of my healing and find other supports and options.

Just looked at the time, gotta get going. Clouds have rolled in, bummer, but that sunshine was like medicine!

Startingover444

Hi Lyoness, I too have suffered from anaemia and it is MISERABLE, you feel like you are in the depths of depression. I take one iron tablet a day to keep it at bay but when it was bad I was on a very high dose under supervision of the doc though. Delighted the AD is helping. How many have you tried do you think?

Lyoness

Yes, it is miserable and like depression, like the worst physical aspects of it. I didn't realize til I read what you said, but I bet it is affecting my mood, too. Hadn't thought of that but it makes sense. Thanks for that awareness! I've been taking a high dose of iron, too, a little less than what doctor had prescribed last time, along with trying to eat more iron rich foods and I think it's helping. I can't wait until menopause and it's no longer an issue!

I was wondering how many antidepressants I've tried over the past 20 years and it's been quite a lot. Close to twenty I think. A lot were failures in one way or another, mostly intolerable side effects. The main side effect of this one has been nausea and headaches. The nausea seems to have passed but I still sometimes get the headaches. Another thing I need to ask psych. about. It's amazing how many we'll try just to get relief from the savage depression.

I've been thinking about what so many say, that it might have to be a lifelong thing. I really wanted off the AD's when I stopped my last one a couple of years ago. I wanted off everything. But I've realized I have to look at my depression as the lifelong illness that it is, that I will likely always need treatment for it of one type or another. And I'm learning that if I want to have hope of staying in recovery or having lifelong sobriety that I'll have to always treat the depression. I always thought "unipolar" was different from "bipolar" in that way, but I don't think it is.

I would like, eventually, to be able to treat it naturally but that may or may not be possible.

How many have you tried, if you don't mind saying?

Lyoness

It's too late to edit but I wanted to add something. I was reading TOD's thread where she said she laughed uncontrollably and it got me to thinking. That is one thing that goes missing when we are in active addiction I think. That ability to just laugh at the silliness of life. I know my Depression certainly kills any chance of it for me, too.

That's one way I think the antidepressant is working. I was watching the NASA channel the other day (I'm gonna miss cable when I go home in a few days) and they were riding around on this Mars Rover. It was built for street use actually, and they could manipulate the wheels to go in any direction. As I was watching I thought how much fun that would be, it looked like a blast.

And then I thought, how long has it been since "fun" has been anything I've thought of, aspired to, believed could be a possibility? And it's been a long, long, long time. It felt good just to feel that possibility and be aware of it. (I really do hope this antidepressant will keep working. I'm really beginning to see and accept that it's something I may need for a long time, just like heart medicine or any other. It can be hard to accept but living in the grips of mental illness isn't much of a life...)

Fabat50

I can only talk about my own experience but over the past 20 years I have probably tried around 30 different anti depressants and mood stabilisers (and different combinations and dosages) I too suffered from side effects.. dizziness. nauseau.. headaches.. chronique fatigue... legs and hands twitching.. blurred vision.. insomnia.. the list goes and and on.

Today my depression and humour is stable and under control and has been for my longest period ever. And I do laugh uncontrollably and smile spontaneously at so many things.. my children.. things such as blue sky or a deer skipping through the woods. And since I have got the drinking under control I feel even better, as it goes without saying.

Personally, I have learnt over the years that with regards to meds the following :

An experienced psychiatrist is more competent at prescribing these kinds of meds than a general Dr. My psy is bang up to date with all the latest information, clinical trials etc and quite bold in his approach.

It often takes time to feel the real effect (or not) of a medecine. My Dr and I always wait a month before evaluating where we are. And he only ever tweaks one thing at a time so we know what I have reacted too.

Sometimes even small changes in the dosage can have a real effect.

The time of day you take your meds and the way you take them is important. I used to take them a bit haphazardly but my Dr had me take them on a regular rhythm, to the hour each day, and I respect if it is with food, or without food, with a small glass of water etc. It's a small detail but it really has helped.

When changing meds/combis I always keep a daily chart of mood and side effects so the Dr can see the trends ( the Dr gives me the chart to fill out... you score your mood, quality of sleep, side effects, energy, negative thoughts even your period and other stuff which plays on your mood etc) This is useful because we all, even the happiest most content people in the world, have some fluctuations in our mood. My Dr looks at the overall trend over a week or a month without being overly influenced on what I tell him on a particular day. For example I could have a pretty good week but feel bad on the day of the appointment and so put a much more negative slant on things.

The other thing is that my Psy and I really do work together. I feel as if I participate fully in the type of treatment I receive. And he listens to me.

Finally I have always been 100 percent honest. If I washed 3 days Worth of meds down with a bottle of wine because I had forgotten to take them then it still got noted on the chart!!!

These are just some of the things I can share with you. There are so many products on the market these days, branded and generic and the pharmaceutical companies fighting with each other that the anti depressent/mood stabiliser/anxiety relief market has become a bit of a lottery!!

And don't forget, may be when you are clean sober and in a better place you may not need anything. Or on the other hand you made need help for life. Keep an open mind and be patient. xx

Lyoness

Thank you Fab for such a helpful and insightful post. Sounds like you have an incredible psych to work with who really cares about you. That's wonderful and it's also great that you've found what works, too. I know how stressful it is, how hard it is to be patient when you're suffering and your life is literally on the line.

I wish I could find a psych who is even a fraction as thorough and aware and caring as yours sounds. Mine seems to be a nice enough person but she's overworked and dealing with a lot of patients. So I get to see her once a month (or less) for about 15minutes. So she's not getting much if any idea of me, of how I'm doing, etc. And I'm not sure how valid what her decisions are based on are. Or how safe or appropriate.

She told me straight up that she chose the first antidepressant for me based on it being easier for her to deal with the insurance company. I was opposed to that first one because it was a class/type that typically messes me up. I wanted to try a newer one, the one I'm on now in fact. But she wouldn't budge.

Reading what you wrote and then writing all this, makes me realize that I may never get the kind of well thought out care that your describing and is really more appropriate, esp when dealing with stuff as serious as this. Its hard to find someone and took me months just to get in to see her. I also don't have a primary care practitioner to make a referral for me either. Also, there's my legal issues, so that's why I've stayed with this psych.

But you've certainly given me a lot to think about. It would be great to not need meds, that's why I quit the one I was on over two years ago. But it only seemed to take a few months before depression hit. I was hoping it was rebound, also having gotten started on recovery and suboxone. I was on antidepressants several years before I started taking opiates so I don't know if I would need them after finishing the methadone taper.

I do know that the past few days have been really rough again, waking up anxious and terrified, feelings of despair and depression strong again. The stability I was starting to feel has been absent. I'm not trying for happiness or expecting miracles, but those first few days where I actually felt emotions besides fear and depression, etc. were like a miracle to me. Just some stability and freedom from constant, overwhelming mental and emotional illness would be so amazing. Would give me a chance. But I guess it's not coming with this antidepressant either.

Thanks again, Fab, for your post. It's given me so much to think about and I bet is helping a whole bunch of other people as well.

finaltime

I also miss my laugh and hate the toothpick in my cheeks frown I get when I am using. After 3 days It starting to brink at the surface. I can't wait until its back. How did court end? You sure get trusted with lots of housesitting jobs! that has to feel good. I am pretty sure I lost that honour when I would always steal their pills...ha... well not really.

Fabat50

Well you have certainly made me realise how very lucky I am that I have the right Dr. I will certainly add that to my gratitude list for today!

Have a good day.

Lyoness

I'm back at "home" and am struggling. This place doesn't feel like home and it's causing me a lot of inner turmoil. I feel confused, like I don't know where I am. And I feel dissociative, like I'm torn into a bunch of pieces. The depression is worse and I am deeply grieving the loss of my real, true home where I lived for so many years.

I think the grief was at bay while I housesat, because that's home too. And I had a computer, internet and tv to occupy my mind. Here I just have my tiny phone and two channels. I'm not advocating a ton of tv watching but it does help keep my mind busy when nothing else works. And it helps when you're as lonely as I am. Being "home" and alone/lonely feels worse.

I've done nothing but sleep and watch videos since I got back. I feel so anxious and terrified, my sense of dread is overwhelming. I just don't know what to do.

I should feel grateful for my new place but I just feel worse. Everything feels worse. Here I have neighbors but not one of them has spoken to me. When I think of suicide, which is a lot right now, I have to factor in how many days or weeks or months it would take someone to find me. How pathetic is that?

I just feel so lost. I have no anchor, no center, nothing. Just this ever present despair. I'm in a really bad place right now. And I'm afraid to post this cuz I know you're all sick of me being in this same horrible way. Believe me, I am too.

Fabat50

Hey Lyoness.

Sorry you are having a tough time.

Can you remind me .... when you talk about missing your "old home" and not liking your "new home".... what your situation is? You are in your own place after having been housesitting for a while right? When did you move?

Changing homes is up there in the top 5 most stressful events in life you know....

Lyoness

Thanks. I moved in October to my new place. Where I had lived before was the first place that ever felt like home in my entire life and I lived there for 13 1/2 years, longest by far since I was a teen. There were problems there but I became so attached to the land, felt real roots into it, something I'd never experienced before. I went to the housesit just a month after moving. I thought it would help with the transition but I think I just put off the transition and grieving that loss instead.

I appreciate you reminding me that moving is one of the most stressful things. My counselor today also affirmed that it can be challenging and painful and that my grief is normal.

I just feel so out of place. I don't know where I am or where I belong. Yet big parts of me feel I belong back at what I know as home. And that my housesit is my home away from home. It just all feels so alien and I feel so separate from it all--I don't know where or how to anchor.

And then I feel guilty because I know what a miracle it is to have a roof over my head...

I also just found out that my methadone tapering doctor is now, again, saying she won't do the taper. She goes back and forth and this last time I truly understood that she would finish the taper. I am so tired of this turmoil that this constant changing of her mind is causing me.

This is a time when I wish I lived in a larger are a instead of rural boondocks . We just don't have the resources of mental and physical healthcare, or addiction treatment that areas with larger populations have. (We do have bluer skies though)

Lyoness

I will call the crisis center tomorrow, maybe they will have some new resources since the last time I talked to them. I KNOW I need to change. I'm just confused as to how, lost in chaos, and need some consistent support.

After reading about your psychiatrist Fabat50, I talked to my counselor and she had some ideas about how to possibly get more involved aid.

Tiredofdrugs

Lyoness!

I keep telling you once you get off the methadone you'll feel better! You are on a very heavy drug! You probably aren't able to find happiness because of the methadone!

What's going on with your court date?

Did this last anti-D med help you any?

I laugh every single day over something! It could be something on TV, the chickens doing something funny, something I've read, etc. My veins aren't filled with chemicals that keep me from enjoying things! The only thing you are enjoying right now is your next dose of methadone!

The methadone is killing you and stealing your spirit! You say we don't understand you, but we really do! You are talking with addicts and recovering addicts on here! Can't you see we see what's happening in your life? Or at least *I* do! I can't talk for anybody else!

You come on here all happy at times and full of joy! *I* think to myself! She must have gotten a refill on her methadone! Then you'll come on here all doom and gloom. *I* think to myself! She's ran out of methadone! You can tell me if I'm wrong! You have these ups and downs all the time on here. You're never consistent with the way you post!

When asked a question? You'll tell a full out story before you give an answer! I was that way when I was taking my opiates! Our thoughts get all jumbled while we are riding the high!

To be honest? I'm glad you're doctor is going to stop the methadone! If that's really what she's planning? That's a really bad thing to be put on! I've researched it recently too!

You talk about laying around and doing nothing but watching tapes! That's the methadone controling your life! As for missing the place you left? As much grief as you've talked about with living there? I'm surprised you aren't glad to be out of there? But again! I have to believe it's the methadone keeping you within it's clutches and you can't find happiness!

Since 2013 I've watched you battle the addiction! The methadone is just another source of drug you're taking. Is it time to come clean? Yes! When's the last time you weren't using any drugs or anything to help you not use drugs?

Sorry to be so harsh with you, but from one Recovering addict to one that's taking methadone every day! I see so much in your posts that's got you all twisted up from being on the methadone! It truly is different in our writings when we aren't filled with chemicals!

TOD

gunslinger

i do not post much on here, but read often. this is one of the best "calling someone on the BS" that i've ever seen (read). Well done. Anyone that doesn't know what you are talking about certainly doesn't need or belong on this site.