snowflake74

Thank you. I really feel the love in here. It feels good. I've been fighting this for so long, not able to let anybody know and having to live a lie. Faking healthy but knowing I was slipping away. I had control in the beginning and it felt good. Like a couple of glasses of wine after work, when I used to be able to tolerate alcohol.

But I lost control and then I wasn't taking them anymore for fun. I was just keeping the demon at bay. I already was lonely but now I was lonely and battling a life-threatening disease, and the only people I could tell, like my parents, I couldn't. And I was so doped up I could not shed a tear if I wanted to. It made me emotionless. I cried a little today. It's a good thing.

I'm glad you guys are here to support me. Thank you. Even though it's words on a computer screen with no faces, I know there are people behind them. People who care. God bless you all.

pcm54

Hooray! I found you again. It's not giving me notifications again. I hate living in such an isolated place at times like this. You are doing great. So, so proud of you and happy for you! How is sobriety looking?

snowflake74

So far so good pcm, but I know I haven't really been tested yet. I need to be ready for bad days.

lablife

Keep hanging in there Snow, I am on day 16 and feel great. Time flies, just gotta have a lil faith. It's all up hill from here my friend.

pcm54

Breathe in, breathe out and don't use in between.

Kris47

Anything worthwhile in the beginning, is never easy. You can be a winner if you choose it.

Once the choice is made it has already gotten a little easier.

We're here for you.

snowflake74

Day 3: Woke up feeling much better than I did when using and didn't sleep until noon like I would have. Had some liquified assets today, but luckily my portfolio wasn't very large. Other than that feeling pretty good!

needingabreak

LOLOLOL on your use of wording. So happy to hear you are feeling better. keep it up and keep busy. Yes someday you will be tested. prepare yourself for that but now you are focusing on getting everything out of your system. Proud of you snowflake!

Adnamaeel

I'm so glad to see you doing this well. I think fear of withdrawal is worse than the reality of it. You are doing great!

OpioPhobe

Snowflake - congrats on 3 days. It's a bummer when the portfolio gets too large!

snowflake74

Thanks guys. Yeah, today I visited with my parents and washed my car! Just a little foggy still, but other than that I'm good to go. I could go to work tomorrow if I had to, but too bad... I have the day off. Oh well...

RISINGSUNFALLIN

Dont take this the wrong way--but i find it hard to fathom that at your dosage level, and past withdrawals that were unbearable, and that you really didnt taper that you would be having such a uneventful withdrawal.

Since we already know that you have about 500 pills in your home, if you would, please be honest and tell us if you have taken any of those 500 that were laying around...the reason is this- withdrawal is not something that should be taken lightly as these meds DO cause severe agony if used for over a year at the dosage levels you were on..and anyone who is thinking oh i can keep taking and using hydro cause look this guy was using more than me and hes having lunch with his parents and washing his car..so i can keep using cause the withdrawals are easy.

I have been through withdrawal...and it was horrible..i know everyone is different, but again from what you stated with the difficult withdrawals in the past and having to cave twice, why would this time be so ez for you? I used for a year, and withdrawals were never ever as you are making it out to be...

FT

Hi risingsunfallin,

Snow uses lots of metaphors to map his recovery journey, and I do hope it works for him. However, employing a few of his metaphors, I also believe his "addict brain" is flying the plane much of the time, making the runway of recovery seem so easy that if he hits a rough patch of turbulence, he has a soft landing already prepared -- meaning, he's already given himself permission to take his stash of pills.

As with anyone else's journey, we can comment on the plan, but we can't take the steps for them.

How are YOU these days? Are you still using? Sounds like you had a rough time of it yourself. We are here for you if you need us on your journey as well.

RISINGSUNFALLIN

FT

I have been opiate free for over 18 months, and yes i did stuggle mightily with withdrawal--mainly severe nausea and vomiting, but also severe insomnia, restless leg sydrome, severe anxiety/depression, major fatigue that lasted at least 3 months before even started to get better...i had it all. I was on about 200 mg of oxy, both the ir and er, i couldnt taper.

The reason that made me want to post is that i have 3 teenagers and they saw the horrid effects of stopping oxy...which i am glad they saw me go through the withdrawal because i feel that it really is a deterrent if people know what its like once the merry go round stops and you want to get off...it angers me when people say things like withdrawal is all in your head, or you can control it, dont be scared from the nitemare stories you read,,,thats all bs...if you use opiates at a high dose for a long period of time, you will SUFFER...lets not try and sugar coat

LoveMeNow

My husbands withdrawals were always hardest during day 3-5. No sleep at all, restless leg, etc. I am surprised to read "Day 3: woke up feeling better ....... "

Mamahawk

I quit a 20 year extremely heavy habit 10 days ago and the first 5 days were extremely rough. I'm on day 10 and still struggling with sleep problems.

Elseware

I felt like I was near death when I was detoxing. That was last August. I was on a large dose of Vicodin and I tapered down and stopped. There is no other word for it but hideous. I have to hand it to you. You're doing way, way better than I did. It's still hard for me. I especially get cravings in the late afternoon. Or if I'm hungry or tired. I have to take very, very good care of myself these days. And my life has totally changed. Oftentimes it sucks and sometimes it's ok. Like life always is.

My very best wishes to you, Snow

SweetDreams

I tapered off of a 3.5-year, 200mg+ daily use of hydrocodone a little more than a year ago and had almost no withdrawal symptoms except for a night or two of insomnia and a few months of low energy. I have to say the stories I read by others here of how horrible the WDs were going to be made me put off quitting for close to a year.. For some, especially hydrocodone or morphine users, it's not always that bad.

snowflake74

Risingsunfallin, I don't why or how I was so lucky to be spared a horrid withdrawal this time, but I PROMISE you I have not taken a pill... I haven't even thought of it. I have tried my best to chronicle every single symptom I felt. I have no reason to lie. If I wasn't clean I'd just leave this site. Why would I continue to post here if I was actively using and all of this was a big farce? I don't know what else to say but... I've been totally honest. If you choose not to believe me, that's your issue.

The last two times I tried to quit were much worse. That's why I prepared so much for it to be horrible this time, and I was cynical I'd even be better by tonight. In February, during the Olympics, I suffered just as you seem to have wanted me to this time around. Then, I took off a week of work due to the "flu." That's why I have no sick leave left. I sweated profusely, I had pains in every fiber of my being. I had horrible bathroom problems, which led to even worse problems that I don't even want to share. My nose would run uncontrolably and I blew my nose so many times I chaffed my nostrils and they burned. I cried in agony. I was sick for a good week.

I don't know why I had an easier time, this time. I CERTAINLY did not expect it. The first day was rough. I posted about that.

Today I had a lot of nervous energy, bordering on mania, but not in a bad way. I felt happy, energetic and confident. I think I'm starting to feel the effects of my new antidepressant, Wellbutrin XR kick in. Perhaps that med had something to do with easing withdrawals. I don't know!

I got gussied up today and went to mall today. I bought some nice clothes. Cruised around in my Lexus and blasted my favorite music. (I have never felt a desire to just drive around and listen to music, but today I did and it was fun. I visited my parents. I cleaned my entire house.

I have noticed that I am not drowsy when it's time to go to bed, thus I take OTC sleep aid (diphenhydramine - benadryl X2). I don't know if that's a lingering withdrawal or my new med keeping me up.

But you could at least be happy for me rather than accuse me of lying. That's mean spirited. I'm four days clean!

snowflake74

FT, I also need to respond to your comment about my "addict brain." I have greatly respected your comments to me, but I need to make this very clear:

I ONLY intended to use the stash of pills if I was still in agony by tomorrow morning. I am not in agony. I feel great. I'm going back to work tomorrow.

THEREFORE, I have NO intention to use pills since my clean date of 5/23. Any rough patches in life will be dealt with pill-free. If I ever have the craving to use again, which so far I haven't, but certainly expect I will at some point, my butt is coming here IMMEDIATELY to gather the support I need to not relapse.

Right now I don't allow myself to think of the pills at all. If the faintest thought enters my mind I don't even entertain it... I snuff it out and think of something else. I'm not trying to imply that this will work, and be this easy, every day. This is just what's working for me right now.