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Opiate Taper - Trying to Be Sober by May 23rd. Need Your Support!



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Opiate Taper - Trying to Be Sober by May 23rd. Need Your Support!

Old 05-21-2014, 09:08 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by snowflake74 View Post
Mamahawk if you can do this, I can. You are so inspiring. I am stocked with Immodium and for sleep what works for me is "sleep aid" which is just a double dose of benedryl (diphenhydramine). It's never NOT knocked me out like a light bulb. My resolve is strong, but I know that's easy to say when you're feeling good. But I need to reclaim my life back and this is the week for me to do it. I have not made it any easier for me this week with my failed taper plan, but it doesn't mean I still can't be successful. I might be posting on here at an annoying frequency - I ask permission ahead of time to saturate myself on this site in the next few weeks because you good people are all I have. Any victories I (hopefully) claim in the upcoming days, I can't share with the people who are actually in my life. I have to somehow pretend that I have not gone through hell and am (hopefully) on my way back. I will need to rely on the kindness and charity of you all for strength. Thank you all ahead of time.

Snowflake,

SR is a good place to land your bruised behind after your trial by fire starting on Friday, regardless of the results. I would just ditto everything Marcus said above.

Your posts are not so much annoying as just a reminder of the paths we have already tread -- meaning those of us who tried and tried to taper and did not succeed the first time around. My first name on SR was not for nothing (FT = failedtaper). We want to root for you, but we see you setting traps for yourself, with the only way to rescue yourself being the drug.

Over the past few days, I've seen your posts change from a guy with resolve and shouting over his "addict brain," to the "addict brain" mostly the one doing the talking.

I support anyone on this site using a method that works for them. Having said that, I tend to err on the side of "tough love" and just really want to kick your butt!

If this go around does not work for you, I might suggest the Secular Connections part of SR, where you will find a different approach called AVRT. It's pretty straightforward and along the lines of what I already told you: either you are either an opiate user (substance abuser), or you are not. It is the self identification of such that you have not reached yet. Until you do, you may have paused your use, but you are just waiting for your next dose.
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Old 05-21-2014, 09:23 AM
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FT speaks truth. I don't think any of us are here to beat people up. It's just hard to stay quiet when you see someone going down the bad road many times travelled.
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Old 05-21-2014, 10:06 AM
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Originally Posted by snowflake74 View Post
And if Tuesday comes, and I'm vomiting or sweating profusely or going #2 uncontrollably, I'm getting back on the pills, so I can return to work. Once I have a longer vacation time I will try again. I wish I didn't have to consider that, but that's my reality.

Look up kindling. Withdrawals don't get better after repeated relapses, they get worse.

If you weren't addicted and woke up Tuesday with the flu, wouldn't you take off sick? Then do so this Tuesday if the WDs are making you "sick"

Wishing you much strength.
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Old 05-21-2014, 10:20 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by snowflake74 View Post
Any victories I (hopefully) claim in the upcoming days, I can't share with the people who are actually in my life. I have to somehow pretend that I have not gone through hell and am (hopefully) on my way back.
fascinating to read this thread.

lots of terrific peeps giving you solid words.

Just one thing - you don't have to pretend anything.
You're letting everyone in your world there think you got a flu, mom's gonna make chicken soup, you've DVR'd, stock piled comfort stuff, got the weekend off...."it'll be like camping but sick".
Plus you've got plenty of peeps here that are sticking with you.

Keep in mind firmly that detox is to another person is exactly like the flu.
It looks like it, smells like it and acts like it.
Cheers!
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Old 05-21-2014, 01:03 PM
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And if Tuesday comes, and I'm vomiting or sweating profusely or going #2 uncontrollably, I'm getting back on the pills, so I can return to work. Once I have a longer vacation time I will try again. I wish I didn't have to consider that, but that's my reality. It doesn't mean I don't want to get clean or planning to fail. I'm not saying I'd hang onto my stockpile weeks after I'm clean.

you just gave yourself permission to "fail" at this w/d attempt AND to use. and to KEEP your drugs nearby. your addict is in total control here, sorry to say. and has completely set you up to KEEP USING. nobody in their right mind with the true INTENTION of never using again would keep 175 pills. and that's because right now you are not IN your right (sane) mind. no active addict is.

if your serious, than cut the BS and the excuses. you said May 23 was your day. you know it won't be easy. but in order to get clean the yucky part is inevitable. but it can be ONCE and DONE. imagine....DONE and never ever have to go thru this sh!t again!!!! you CAN do this.
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Old 05-21-2014, 01:15 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Personally I had to cut off any access. We took me off the bank account. We put cash in a safe. I don't even have car keys right now. I don't leave alone. I don't make a "trip to the bathroom" at the store. (To meet my dealer) the difference this time? I never made it last day one in the past. I'm in day 5 today. It's been rough. Very rough. But the only other option is losing my family and eventually, death. Because I will take a fatal dose someday. The only option for me is to cut off access. I believe that is key. I have had a 20 year addiction. I'm 41 years old. I've been pulling this crap for half of my life now. I have taken up to 50 pills in ine day. That's 16,000 mgs Tylenol. A regular dose when I can't get rx is 12-14 pills at once. Every day. I'm lucky to be alive. I would not be on day 5 without the steps I've taken AND this forum and my family. I'm grateful to you all. Every addict has to come to the point where they decide that's it. I'm there. I hope you get there to snow. Please excuse any typos. I haven't slept since Saturday.
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Old 05-21-2014, 01:28 PM
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Mamahawk, you are doing so great, despite how you feel. Despite feeling like crap, here you are trying to help someone else. That's really cool.

Good on ya for doing this hard thing. You probably already know that the maximum daily dose of tylenol was recently advised by the FDA to be reduced to 3 grams a day to avoid liver toxicity. At 16,000 mg, that 16 grams or more than five times the recommended dose. I hope that you find the chance to get tested for liver damage, and avoid all other liver toxic substances -- alcohol being at the top of that list.

Snowflake, as you see on SR, many voices chime in to try and inspire your resolve to quit opiates. And we are only the ones who actually post. There are LOTS of people who read these posts and get something out of them, who never actually post. Hopefully, getting inspired to quit their drug, too. There are a lot of people out here wanting you to succeed at becoming a non-opiate user once and for all.
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Old 05-21-2014, 02:24 PM
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FT I cannot drink. Not because I haven't tried but it makes my stomach hurt so bad I can't stand it. I guess God handled that one for me.
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Old 05-21-2014, 02:24 PM
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If I do have liver damage can thy do anything?
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Old 05-21-2014, 02:41 PM
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The liver has an amazing capacity to heal once the offending toxin is eliminated. It reminds me of a guy here way back that was taking 49 Lorcet 10/650's everyday. 7 at a time, 7 times a day. He got pretty sick but in the end, he was fine. Almost 32 grams of tylenol a day!
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Old 05-21-2014, 02:49 PM
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Wow. the most I ever took, 50 10/325s in a day 12-14 at a time. I did that often from January to March until the doc cut me off. My cat accidentally bit me and I ended up almost losing my hand. I spent a week in the hospital and had two surgeries to save it. When I woke up from the first surgery the anesthesiologist was in my face saying "you take a lot at home don't you?" They had to give me so many drugs during surgery it suppressed my breathing. They had to keep waking me up and telling me to breathe. My oxygen stayed at 80 for two days!
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Old 05-21-2014, 02:55 PM
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I think your best defense is you didn't drink. The Lorcet guy didn't either and I really believe that's what saved him.

150mgs of hydro is no joke. I wonder how the people who abuse stuff like fentanyl and opana manage to have surgery? Geez, that's rough.

Haha, when I had my eye surgery I didnt tell them anything. They hit me with hydro and valium and I had to pretend I was kind of out of it. Didnt affect me at all.
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Old 05-21-2014, 03:01 PM
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I don't know I had a lot of problems with pain control just being a hydro addict. I would be dead if I was ever able to get my hands on fentanyl or dillaudid. Seriously. I would not be here. I did try to move to oxy. I would take 8-10 10mg and it didn't feel like my hydro to me. I thought that was so weird. If I liked hydro wouldn't I LOVE oxy? Maybe I didn't take enough with my high tolerance. Idk. I'm glad it didn't work out though.
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Old 05-21-2014, 03:06 PM
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Im glad I never found those either.

I started on oxy and got up to about 100mg a day (ct'd that and learned all about wds). I switched to hydro because it was easier to get and it lasted much longer. Not a huge oxy fan either.

We are both way better off now. They all lead to heartache.
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Old 05-21-2014, 05:06 PM
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FT, TiredEnough, MamaHawk, Everyone: I really really appreciate all of your words and advice and I'm hearing what you're saying, and soaking it in like medicine. It is really helping me... I'm not just saying that. A special note to Mamahawk... like FT said, thank you so much for trying to help me when you are battling yourself. Day 5! Amazing! You make me feel like I can do it, because you are doing it!

So last night was the stereotypical addict "I guess I'm quitting so I guess I need one final binge" night. I took 15 hydro 10/325 yesterday combined with 1 oxy 30. I was supposed to be tapering mind you. I have not tapered at all these last 2 weeks, to the contrary I creshendo'ed up to 15 yesterday. For what? Just to make the next days harder.

But despite yesterday, and almost in spite of yesterday, my resolve today was strong to push forward. I've moved to a two-day taper plan because I'm still quitting on May 23rd no matter what, so I decided to put my game face on today and start the battle. Seriously. Before I say how today went, I just want to note that yesterday I was popping hydros like candy and the scary thing was, I wasn't feeling any high at any point. That's why I got to 15. And still no high. That scares me. I want off this drug.

So today I have stuck to my plan of 6 (less than half of yesterday - I'm at 4 as of this writing which is on-track). I suffered withdrawals today, but I did not medicate it, even though I was at work. I'd say I was at a 5 on a scale of 1 -10. Today I had the sweats and severe gas and gastrointestinal distress. The blessing was today was a paperwork day and not a lot of interaction with others.

Tomorrow the plan is 3. Friday the plan is 0. Zero. I pray to God I will be well on Tuesday and if I am, I am seriously considering throwing the pills away. I'm not committing to that yet, but your comments moved me from "absolutely not" to "probably yes" so don't think you're not affecting me.

The problem with calling out Tuesday and Wednesday is that I'm low in sick leave. I think I have 2 days - so if I need to, yes, I can call out sick those days... I'm just really trying to avoid it.

I want off of these pills more than I think some of you think I do. Thank you again.
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Old 05-21-2014, 05:09 PM
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Tiredenough I wasn't smart enough to pretend to be out if it and it all amps me up so the nurses were wondering WHY after I got shots of morohine and dillaudid I was talking there heads off at 100 mph instard of being unconscious like a normal person would be!
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Old 05-21-2014, 05:12 PM
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I am glad you are all finding success. I dabbled in my share of everything. Its funny how when it comes down to it everyones bodies respond different.. both to the drugs as well as withdrawal. Most recently I was prescribed morphine 30mg every 3hrs... I had to take more because that wasn't nearly enough... that would probably knock out a small horse :P I also question the condition of my internal organs. For awhile I was on Percs and I know without a doubt in my mind I took way more then recommended for tylenol... Aside from all of that I was shocked I didnt o/d long ago. Crazy to think about how the addict mind justifies things... Why I ever thought it was a good idea to take 6 30 mg morphine pills at a time or 10-12 percs on top of handfuls of tramadol.... Ugh... disgusting. The thing for me is I have chronic pain... and although I have tried just about everything else my doc can think of for relief nothing ever works like the pain meds... I fear that once my sure fire reason to stay clean is gone I will struggle. In the end I was a functioning addict (I am sure a lot of people say that) But with my pain issues I am a better person/mother/wife/friend/etc when I am not laid up in pain. Hopefully by the end of the year I can have a surgery to try repair some of my damage. Scary thing is my doctor even said there is no way to know if the surgery will actually help the pain. Ugh. Anyways I am rambling...just wanted to say I am proud of everyone that is taking on opiate addiction and recovery. No one ever warned me when I got my first script from my doctor that I would be an active member on an opiate addiction site 3 years later... :/ flaw in the system maybe? Why would I think at age 23/24 that the doctor I trust with my life was giving me something that would have a steel grip on my life forever and for always. I know it will never go away.. I know that I will always be able to justify one more, I know right off the bat that the second my doc prescribes me something my addict brain tells me that I need at least double-triple the dose to start working... I know that I will never be able to escape that and it bums me out that I had no idea what I was getting myself into.It wasnt like I decided one day to go buy some pills from the guy on the corner... I put my trust and faith in a medical doctor. Please dont think I am dodging blame on my addiction... But really in the begining I was clueless.
Ugh anyways keep up the good work everyone..
And good luck snow.
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Old 05-21-2014, 05:19 PM
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SNOW: You're following the exact pattern that I did right before I went cold turkey. After "tapering" for months, I always blew through my last week of pills in one day because, hell, if I am really quitting, I'm going to have one final party! Except the party never lived up to what I hoped it would be.

But then, I didn't have a big stash to fall back on when reality hit, and I was even MORE dope sick than I would have been had I actually been tapering.

In my last go at it, I did just like you're doing, but with no stash and no "extra" doctors I could call (I'd run myself out early even though I had 4 doctors all prescribing for me at once, none of them knowing about the other). I really WAS out of pills. For me, I never hit the street, so that was how I ended up going cold turkey.

BTW, for several months, I had my husband convinced I had been tapering. Lordy was he shocked when I got so dope sick I couldn't even move. After a week of lying to him that I had the flu, I had no choice but to tell him what I'd really been doing.

I know you are not asking for advice, but here it is anyway. For me, five days off to be dope sick wasn't going to happen. I'd lied my way all the way to total dopesickness, and I had no further ways out. I work at home, so I thought I could do that. NOT. I could not do ANYTHING for a week, and the second week I was back to working at home in my pajamas.

I think it was Doggonecarl somewhere above here that warned about repeated relapses making the withdrawals worse each time. So true. I'd "tapered" and withdrawn so many times over so many months, I put myself in a real pickle.

I hope you are the exception and five days will work for you. But I think you are in for a shock. I hope I am wrong. I really do. As I keep saying, I want this to work for you. I, and many others here, know exactly how you feel.
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Old 05-21-2014, 05:35 PM
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Originally Posted by purechaos View Post
The thing for me is I have chronic pain... and although I have tried just about everything else my doc can think of for relief nothing ever works like the pain meds... I fear that once my sure fire reason to stay clean is gone I will struggle. In the end I was a functioning addict (I am sure a lot of people say that) But with my pain issues I am a better person/mother/wife/friend/etc when I am not laid up in pain. Hopefully by the end of the year I can have a surgery to try repair some of my damage.
This.
So true - yes, the pills work. No doubt and for people in chronic pain they are like a gift from a angel.
I, at this point, can only say that your normal pain receptors come back after yer off the narcotics for some time. They really do. All the drugs (OTC) that didn't work before, work later...with time.

I feel I just got a break from the pain in my back. I try, in moments like every frigging day, to remember it wasn't all "just fine". It wasn't all me managing to be a good mom who worked her buttisimo off on the yard and barn. Sometimes I DO look back and think "I was a better person". When my normal sensible self comes around (very quick too, thank ya Jesus!), I think "I just need to keep adjusting from the "miracle drug".

(((big hugs to all in thread))))

btw - I'm one of the ones that really can't give much support on opiates cause ..yeah, I'm in pain...and I'm pretty much still in protection mode. Can't handle too much of the Sub Abuse Forum. Ya know?
So bless yer heart for still coming back FT...and all you gals/guys for sticking around for everyone and good Lord...MamaHawk? I don't know how you even manage to do it. I couldn't even post here whilst in my W/D's. You really are wonderful. xox
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Old 05-21-2014, 05:37 PM
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I'm scared. FT, why did you have to scare me more, lol. I'm not scared of the withdrawals.. I don't think. I'm just scared of not being well again within my agenda. This withdrawal thing needs to happen according to my schedule, and at 9:00 am on Tuesday May 27th, time is up! Haha. I think it's funny to think of it that way, but it's kind of how it needs to be.

I know about "the kindling effect" and that is why my resolve is really strong to be done with this. But I can go exorcist-girl-pea-soup-spewing for 3 1/2 full days and nobody has to know. I can be climbing around on the ceiling in a nightgown (I'm a guy). And nobody has to know.

Because I will have the flu.

It's gonna be bad. I know. Pray for me.
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