Opiate Taper - Trying to Be Sober by May 23rd. Need Your Support!
Mamahawk
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,034
Well I don't know what happened but I said something to the effect of it's time to get serious. No more excuses. Why are you tapering when you can't control the tapers. Also your last two WDs were fairly easy, remember ? You were exercising and feeling really good? If you can't do this on your own snow you have to get help. You have to tell your doctor for real this time snow. Really cut off access. Prominent people get help all the time. I may have only 40 days clean but I have 20 years exp with this addiction. I know what it takes to get off of them and you aren't doing any of it snow. You refuse any advice from people on here who have lots of clean time. I'm sorry if you don't like what I'm saying. I've been where you are. Spent a long time there .you have to so something snow. What are you going to do? I know this is your journey and what worked for me may not work for you, but you have to make a plan and follow it. I'm rooting for you and I KNOW you can do it. What is your plan? You have to tell the doctor snow. You need to start listening to these people. I did. And I did what they said. And I have 40 days! Listen to them snow. They know what they are talking about. It's time to get strong. The power to do this lies within you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Everyone who is still using opiates in secret should read this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...my-family.html
Ironic isn't it that this is the 501st post to this thread.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...my-family.html
Ironic isn't it that this is the 501st post to this thread.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 189
I was tired last night when I posted. I had been reading for several hours. .which btw I never do.. anyways snow I was going to ask if you tried physical therapy in particular ultrasound therapy. You can read into it but I'm my knowledge of it(which I admit is limited) it sends heat impulses into your muscles and calms your nerves down. It stops them from firing the pain signals from cell to cell. Two occasions in my life I was hurt to a point that only this (even above pills) helped. .. I know you said your pain is neurological so maybe this might be a good thing to look into. ... can't hurt anyways. *sorry if this is considered medical advice just trying ton make a suggestion* I know how frustrating chronic pain is. . I know how frustrating it is to list all the things you tried (if your list is like mine it's seems never ending). Is there a pain clinic in your area? I went for awhile. . I worked with a team. .. They make you. They understand how life altering chronic pain is. .. They know it effects every aspect of your being. .. so they had me work with a psychiatrist a physical therapist and medical doc. Between the three teams they would work to come up with a game plan and go for it. ... that is their job. ..pain... hopefully there is a place like that near you. That kind of place wouldn't hurt you or as you say make you look "compromised" it's no different then a medical doctors office. Just my 2 cents.
Also i can relate to what you meant when you talked about being not "hard core" I get that you are trying to say you have limited sources. .. but like others said. .. Once your problem becomes bigger then you ... you will find a way to get more. I had always been the same ... only obtaining through my scripts. ... recently however I was talking online with a friend and when I casually discussed what was going on in my life and the pain issues and what not I had and have been going through. .... All of a sudden out of no where with out asking there was a phone number on my screen... just like that. .. In an instant I went from having no idea how to get pills outside of my pharmacy to having a phone number. It was crazy. .. and then it was even crazier when I was told his price list. .. Holy cow. I can easily see why the people in this post had to go to huge extremes (pawning things such as wedding rings. )... I didn't go there. .. but trust me when I say things play out in life sometime that we don't expect and even if you think you have a good understanding of who you are and what your limits are things can quickly change.. look into a pain clinic. Get a team of doctors to try tackle your pain problems. .. hopefully in the end you won't need the pain meds. In the meantime do be scared. People od everyday. ... no one ever means to accidentally od... but it happens everyday. To homeless people, normal people, prominent people, famous people.... drugs don't discriminate. I agree to think about your parents in this. .. you said admitting your issues would be unbearable for them in their condition. .. imagine finding you od'ed and having to deal with that alone. Imagine them planning your funeral. Picking through your belongings, deciding on a final outfit. .. ... The path you are on is leading you there. .. to that exact moment. I know you are saying that you are quitting Friday.... I don't have a Ton of confidence in that (sorry but the truth sucks) I do have confidence in the fact that you cannot do this alone. .. you have shown everyone that. .. find a way to get support.. try the pain clinic if there is one, try the voice only meetings, at this point your life depends on it. .. you won't have a job or a fancy car if you die. Pull the tape off. .. yes you know it might not be enjoyable but think of the alternative.
Last thing. .if your taper and quit plan fails again. ...I know you cut your refills down but maybe you could ask your doc to only prescibe a few days worth of pills at a time. 30 pills.... take your alloted amount with you but leave the bottle locked in your desk at the end of your work day. Instead of having an amount of meds accessible in your home that could kill you. .. try have only a few days worth. .. plus them if (or more likely when) you take more then your prescribed dose.... you only have a few days to be short. .. a few days until you pick up your new script... just some thoughts. .. obviously the best way is for you to stop totally. But even though you keep saying you want to be clean I am not sold.
Also i can relate to what you meant when you talked about being not "hard core" I get that you are trying to say you have limited sources. .. but like others said. .. Once your problem becomes bigger then you ... you will find a way to get more. I had always been the same ... only obtaining through my scripts. ... recently however I was talking online with a friend and when I casually discussed what was going on in my life and the pain issues and what not I had and have been going through. .... All of a sudden out of no where with out asking there was a phone number on my screen... just like that. .. In an instant I went from having no idea how to get pills outside of my pharmacy to having a phone number. It was crazy. .. and then it was even crazier when I was told his price list. .. Holy cow. I can easily see why the people in this post had to go to huge extremes (pawning things such as wedding rings. )... I didn't go there. .. but trust me when I say things play out in life sometime that we don't expect and even if you think you have a good understanding of who you are and what your limits are things can quickly change.. look into a pain clinic. Get a team of doctors to try tackle your pain problems. .. hopefully in the end you won't need the pain meds. In the meantime do be scared. People od everyday. ... no one ever means to accidentally od... but it happens everyday. To homeless people, normal people, prominent people, famous people.... drugs don't discriminate. I agree to think about your parents in this. .. you said admitting your issues would be unbearable for them in their condition. .. imagine finding you od'ed and having to deal with that alone. Imagine them planning your funeral. Picking through your belongings, deciding on a final outfit. .. ... The path you are on is leading you there. .. to that exact moment. I know you are saying that you are quitting Friday.... I don't have a Ton of confidence in that (sorry but the truth sucks) I do have confidence in the fact that you cannot do this alone. .. you have shown everyone that. .. find a way to get support.. try the pain clinic if there is one, try the voice only meetings, at this point your life depends on it. .. you won't have a job or a fancy car if you die. Pull the tape off. .. yes you know it might not be enjoyable but think of the alternative.
Last thing. .if your taper and quit plan fails again. ...I know you cut your refills down but maybe you could ask your doc to only prescibe a few days worth of pills at a time. 30 pills.... take your alloted amount with you but leave the bottle locked in your desk at the end of your work day. Instead of having an amount of meds accessible in your home that could kill you. .. try have only a few days worth. .. plus them if (or more likely when) you take more then your prescribed dose.... you only have a few days to be short. .. a few days until you pick up your new script... just some thoughts. .. obviously the best way is for you to stop totally. But even though you keep saying you want to be clean I am not sold.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Yes, Snow answered above and asked Dee to allow the posts to go past 500.
Purechaos, I had thought some of the same things. Snow should not have pills around in quantities that could kill him. It would not be "on purpose," but people who are tapering down will feel themselves detoxing while still on the pills, and they can't tell how many will be toxic.
Snow, please be aware that the SAME number of pills that have NOT killed you, CAN kill you. It's the nature of detox -- your "steady state" (look it up) cannot be counted on to be predictable or "safe."
Get rid of the pills NOW, or have someone else controlling them who KNOWS you are detoxing.
Purechaos, I had thought some of the same things. Snow should not have pills around in quantities that could kill him. It would not be "on purpose," but people who are tapering down will feel themselves detoxing while still on the pills, and they can't tell how many will be toxic.
Snow, please be aware that the SAME number of pills that have NOT killed you, CAN kill you. It's the nature of detox -- your "steady state" (look it up) cannot be counted on to be predictable or "safe."
Get rid of the pills NOW, or have someone else controlling them who KNOWS you are detoxing.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Originally Posted by snowflake74 
OH my gosh you guys, you have really scared me! And I have scared myself! I get it. This is serious. FT or anybody else - I am not the least mad at you, in fact I am very grateful....
About seeing a professional - I'm just not convinced I need that kind of help....
Is there any way we can ask Dee to extend this post to 1000 threads? I would like to continue using this thread if it's possible....
P.S. FT, you win. You are right on all of your hunches. I do have a prescribing doctor who knows, and I purposefully did not tell him what's really going on....
About seeing a professional - I'm just not convinced I need that kind of help....
Is there any way we can ask Dee to extend this post to 1000 threads? I would like to continue using this thread if it's possible....
P.S. FT, you win. You are right on all of your hunches. I do have a prescribing doctor who knows, and I purposefully did not tell him what's really going on....
To address a few of the points in your last post:
Yes, you are scaring the hell out of a lot of us. Isn't it remarkable that if you ask enough people, almost EVERYBODY can tell the story of someone they know who died of a narcotics overdose? And almost NONE of the overdoses were suicides?
We see in you a guy with a promising future who is walking the line and could end up dead. As I said, my co-worker died in 2007 and she had a 14 year old son she hoped to grow old with and have grandbabies to cuddle later on. She had everything to live for.
The other thing left unsaid in the stories of accidental deaths from narcotics overdoses, is how the family and friends deal with the aftermath. There is usually a great deal of guilt intertwined with the grief. In my case, I SHOULD have known my co-worker was at risk. For days before she died, she cried incessantly and seemed "out of it." After her death, I found out she was having arguments with her son, who was being a difficult adolescent and wanted more freedom with his friends. What I didn't know is that she was taking opiates -- I learned that in her autopsy report. I SHOULD have noticed something was wrong with her behavior. Maybe I could have saved her life.
There are so many "could haves" involved in this kind of thing. That's why we all freaked out about what you are doing. Don't become one of our stories, please Snow.
About seeing a professional -- you already ARE seeing a professional. The guys that prescribe opiates are SUPPOSED to know about addiction. So many doctors prescribe opiates without being aware they are risking the life of the patient. It isn't necessarily their fault -- as an addict, I KNOW how convincing I can be if I think I want opiates. In fact, like many here I could get opiates again TODAY if I really wanted to. Oh, and I would be GOOD at convincing the doc I needed them, too.
My point -- use the professionals already at your fingertips. TELL the doc you have developed a dependency on the drug that causes you to have withdrawal symptoms when you start dropping the dose. There ARE non-narcotic things you can do to ease those withdrawals, some by prescription, if you would just be honest with him. Doing that would also safeguard you somewhat against a relapse. I fear you are still leaving yourself an "out." By the way, NONE of what you have done so far is "illegal" or "reportable." NO ONE has to know about this except you and the doctors who ALREADY know about the opiates you are taking. Ask that the word "addiction" be kept off the record if it worries you.
That hits my last point -- transparency -- addiction does NOT thrive on being exposed. You MUST be up front with these doctors or you risk falling back into addictive behaviors. Believe me, your AV is already at you. I know these things, because I have lived these things.
Last of all -- I have NO desire to be right. Well, I guess I do, just because being right feels better than being wrong. (ha) But you know what I mean. None of us wants to be right about your being so close to a fatal overdose that we can only "watch" and hope you don't go over the edge. If you did, you'd just disappear from the internet, and we would never even know.
Take care, Snow, and please keep posting your progress.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 173
Thanks to Dee for allowing this thread to continue. I want it to end with me becoming clean! A happy ending to this thread! That is another little motivator. I'm writing at this time today because I called in sick. I woke up feeling gross - I think it's a combination of me actually being sick and the pill typical morning withdrawal. So I'll be here all day responding to posts.
I just want to say again - I'm amazed at the level of care and concern by so many of you. Thank you - truly. I'm sorry I blew up at many of you when you called me out on going back on scripts - particularly cleaninalabama and FT. You meant well and I wasn't in my right mind in hindsight.
Last night, after reading your scary posts (thankfully and appropriately scary) I had an epiphany - one that I believe will make the difference in me being successful on Friday.
I am TERRIFED of these pills. I now see them like I would see a bottle of rat poison pills. I fully realize that these past two nights I could have stopped breathing in my sleep. I'm never putting myself in that situation again! Never!
Today and tomorrow I'm continuing my taper just so I will not be in the throws of the most dreadful withdrawal on my last two days of work. It's a rationalization, sure, but I feel like I'm doing a good job, and this taper is going well this time around. Because I'm terrified of these pills. Since I called in sick today I have a good cover to not be totally on my game at work tomorrow and Friday.
But Friday morning I will be taking my last pill - just to preserve me until my meeting at work ends at 2 pm. By then, let the withdrawal commence! I'm good at quitting... I'm just not good at staying quit. Yet. But now I'm terrified of these pills.
My plan to stay clean is as follows:
1.) Destroy my stash again.
2.) Fire my prescribing doctor, simply by not returning to him. I think I can get either my PCP or my psychiatrist to take over prescribing my neurontin for my neuropathic pain.
3.) See my PCP. As soon as i walk in the door he will be in shock and very concerned about me, because he will have gotten the report of all I was prescribed (the prescribing doctor dictated his report via phone in front of me and sent it to my PCP, psychiatrist, and referring neurologist who diagnosed my small fiber neuropathy). My PCP will totally support me in not taking opiates anymore and while he'll be happy to know I quit, I do he'll be concerned, just like you all, that I won't stay clean. Just his concern and being sketched out motivates me to stay clean. I just haven't seen him since the dosage became so high (purposefully - because I didn't want to face the music from him).
4.) Taking purechoas' advice, I have researched and found what seems to be a reputable pain clinic in my area. I'm not going to make an appointment right away though... I'm going to wait to see if I can get through the "rough patch" this time. If I do, I think I'll be ok, but if my pain continues to be intolerable I now know where to go to get the pain treated without me feeling like I must go back on the opiates. Because I'm terrified of these pills.
5.) I will continue posting here and getting the love and support you all have been giving me that I believe is helping me save my life. I mean that.
I want you all to know that I PLEDGE to never just disappear from this thread or this site. If for any reason I decide to leave (which I don't anticipate at all but if so) I will say goodbye or indicate that I'm leaving in some way. I realize that if I just disappear than you all will assume I died, and I'm not going to allow that worry to happen. If I go out of town I will try to tell you guys first. I'm not ever going to disappear, no matter what happens. Too many people are scared for me and I really appreciate that.
Like I said before, until last night and the night before, I've NEVER been afraid of these pills because I thought I'd never be in an OD situation. I now realize I WAS and that I could have died this week thinking I'm just taking my usual amount. I realize that because I quit and went back on, my tolerance went down so that when I went back to the dose I was taking before I quit, my body could not handle it. The fact that I could be in such pure denial as to being in an OD situation and not even realizing it makes me TERRIFED OF THESE PILLS. And that will make all the difference in me staying off this drug for good!
I just want to say again - I'm amazed at the level of care and concern by so many of you. Thank you - truly. I'm sorry I blew up at many of you when you called me out on going back on scripts - particularly cleaninalabama and FT. You meant well and I wasn't in my right mind in hindsight.
Last night, after reading your scary posts (thankfully and appropriately scary) I had an epiphany - one that I believe will make the difference in me being successful on Friday.
I am TERRIFED of these pills. I now see them like I would see a bottle of rat poison pills. I fully realize that these past two nights I could have stopped breathing in my sleep. I'm never putting myself in that situation again! Never!
Today and tomorrow I'm continuing my taper just so I will not be in the throws of the most dreadful withdrawal on my last two days of work. It's a rationalization, sure, but I feel like I'm doing a good job, and this taper is going well this time around. Because I'm terrified of these pills. Since I called in sick today I have a good cover to not be totally on my game at work tomorrow and Friday.
But Friday morning I will be taking my last pill - just to preserve me until my meeting at work ends at 2 pm. By then, let the withdrawal commence! I'm good at quitting... I'm just not good at staying quit. Yet. But now I'm terrified of these pills.
My plan to stay clean is as follows:
1.) Destroy my stash again.
2.) Fire my prescribing doctor, simply by not returning to him. I think I can get either my PCP or my psychiatrist to take over prescribing my neurontin for my neuropathic pain.
3.) See my PCP. As soon as i walk in the door he will be in shock and very concerned about me, because he will have gotten the report of all I was prescribed (the prescribing doctor dictated his report via phone in front of me and sent it to my PCP, psychiatrist, and referring neurologist who diagnosed my small fiber neuropathy). My PCP will totally support me in not taking opiates anymore and while he'll be happy to know I quit, I do he'll be concerned, just like you all, that I won't stay clean. Just his concern and being sketched out motivates me to stay clean. I just haven't seen him since the dosage became so high (purposefully - because I didn't want to face the music from him).
4.) Taking purechoas' advice, I have researched and found what seems to be a reputable pain clinic in my area. I'm not going to make an appointment right away though... I'm going to wait to see if I can get through the "rough patch" this time. If I do, I think I'll be ok, but if my pain continues to be intolerable I now know where to go to get the pain treated without me feeling like I must go back on the opiates. Because I'm terrified of these pills.
5.) I will continue posting here and getting the love and support you all have been giving me that I believe is helping me save my life. I mean that.
I want you all to know that I PLEDGE to never just disappear from this thread or this site. If for any reason I decide to leave (which I don't anticipate at all but if so) I will say goodbye or indicate that I'm leaving in some way. I realize that if I just disappear than you all will assume I died, and I'm not going to allow that worry to happen. If I go out of town I will try to tell you guys first. I'm not ever going to disappear, no matter what happens. Too many people are scared for me and I really appreciate that.
Like I said before, until last night and the night before, I've NEVER been afraid of these pills because I thought I'd never be in an OD situation. I now realize I WAS and that I could have died this week thinking I'm just taking my usual amount. I realize that because I quit and went back on, my tolerance went down so that when I went back to the dose I was taking before I quit, my body could not handle it. The fact that I could be in such pure denial as to being in an OD situation and not even realizing it makes me TERRIFED OF THESE PILLS. And that will make all the difference in me staying off this drug for good!
Mamahawk
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,034
Snow,
Your plan still doesn't involve telling anyone or cutting off access. I'm sorry but you are setting yourself up to fail once again. I've tried similar versions of your plan above many times. Go ahead and make the pain appointment and tell them you can't take opiates. Don't wait until the pain is bad and try to make it. Call your current doctor and tell them you CAN NOT take opiates. Get some help. This plan is no different than your previous plans. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to help you. How is this plan different? I know where you are and I've been there. You have to make changes. Not just wishful thinking that it will work out.
Your plan still doesn't involve telling anyone or cutting off access. I'm sorry but you are setting yourself up to fail once again. I've tried similar versions of your plan above many times. Go ahead and make the pain appointment and tell them you can't take opiates. Don't wait until the pain is bad and try to make it. Call your current doctor and tell them you CAN NOT take opiates. Get some help. This plan is no different than your previous plans. I'm not trying to be mean. I'm trying to help you. How is this plan different? I know where you are and I've been there. You have to make changes. Not just wishful thinking that it will work out.
Mamahawk
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 4,034
Snow I've been scared of this drug before to. Every night for years I sat in my bathroom and cried and begged God to let me survive my overdose. EVERY NIGHT I knew I took to much and I might not live. The fear wasn't enough to stop me from tossing back 12-14 pills at a time. You have to make permanent changes!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Have no fear this thread can continue Snow - but not in this part.
We close threads at 500 posts or so.
Join us here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...r-support.html
D
We close threads at 500 posts or so.
Join us here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...r-support.html
D
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
