snowflake74

I originally posted this, my story, in the newcomers to recovery forum. I don't know if it's cool to post the same in a new forum, but several people have told me I may meet more people with similar stories here, so I decided to take the chance.

I am a 39 year old man who should feel vibrant and full of life. I have been addicted to prescribed pain killers (opioids) for a year and two months. In Feb. 2013 I broke my arm and dislocated my shoulder. At the same time I just happened to be diagnosed with small fiber neuropathy unrelated to my injury. After I would have finished needing to take opiates for my shoulder, my rheumatologist began prescribing me Hydrocodone (as well as Neurontin) for the neuropathy. Although my prescription helped with the pain, in hindsight the pain was relatively mild and I found myself taking the Hydrocodone more for the high and less because I was feeling pain. As time progressed, my “pain” increased due to increasing tolerance, and by last Fall I began feeling withdrawals for the first time. My doctor did not seem too bothered by me asking for larger and larger prescriptions until most recently. I began feeling truly addicted by last Winter and attempted to quit the medication twice, but was not successful (my doctor doesn’t know about me having tried to quit). Today I find myself needing to quit again. Desperately.

My current prescription is for 6 Hydrocodone 10/325 tablets a day and 1 Oxycodone HCl 30 mg. tablet a day. They are also “as needed” so I can take more and technically not be breaking any rules. I’m sure my doctor realizes I must be hooked by now, but so far has not said ‘no.’ I was taking more like 8-12 Hydrocodone a day, in addition to the 1 Oxycodone (I refused to ever go beyond 1 a day for that medication).

My days are now a roller coaster ride that goes up and down dramatically every 4 hours. I either feel pretty darn good or extremely horribly terrible. I have no sex drive and no sexual function. My bowel habits are very abnormal and problematic. I have gained 20 lbs. and I have no motivation to go to the gym or exercise anymore. I have to take an OTC sleep aid every night to be able to fall asleep and I wake up every morning feeling terrible, groggy and foggy.

Nobody knows I have this problem – not family, not friends, not coworkers. And nobody can know. I am a single man, living alone in my house. I cannot seek professional help due to what I do for a living. I cannot attend self-help meetings due to the chance that someone I know might see me there (although they are supposed to be “Anonymous” – they are far from it practically speaking). Fortunately, I am still able to function quite well at work, and am in no way compromised. I have been maintaining this secret with loved ones, despite a few close calls. But I feel it’s only a matter of time before family or friends find out. If my parents found out, it would destroy them. Their health is already poor, and learning of this could literally put their lives in danger. I could not go on living if my parents died related to the stress of learning my secret.

I realize that I have to quit opiates, even though part of me still wishes I could take them without consequence. I’m worried that I don’t hate the drug enough as I should, or that I need to, in order to successfully get off of them. I’m dreading the withdrawal process and I’m terrified that once I quit I will fail at staying clean and will go back on the drug in the future. I’ve already failed twice. I have to time any attempt to quit with a window of vacation time off from work, as I have virtually no sick leave left. Fortunately, I have a four-day weekend coming up, starting May 23rd, the Friday of Memorial Day weekend. My plan is to gradually taper down my daily dose so that by May 23rd I will be at zero – leaving me 3 more days to suffer any remaining withdrawals so that I can return to work on the 27th hopefully able to function again, and opiate-free. That is my plan.

My goal for being here is to seek support. I plan to post regularly in this same thread as to my progress, and I need people to reply along the way to motivate me, encourage me, help me, and to make me feel like I’m not doing this alone anymore. I fully intend to return the favor by lending my support to others once I get on the winning side of this battle, but right now I feel so weak and troubled. Right now any kind words would be very appreciated. I’d be particularly interested in hearing from other opiate addicts who got clean, and how they did so, but honestly I’d be grateful to receive ANY words of encouragement from anyone who feels moved to reply. Thanks for reading.

UPDATE: I'm two weeks into my taper and have 10 days to go. I've had some trouble tapering and sometimes have taken more than I intended, but in general I am still doing it. I realize I'm depressed and thus have made an appt. with my psychiatrist to try antidepressants again on Thursday (this is a big deal because I have been resistant that idea for 20 years). Thanks again!

cleaninalabama

Welcome, Snowflake. Good job on being able to taper down these past several days, that was something i never could accomplish. You already know this, but it's going to suck and you are going to feel pretty bad for a little while. Just keep pushing through and stick with it and you will be able to look back at all of this and never have to go through it again. Keep posting, you will get plenty of support here.

finaltime

I am proud of you for coming here. Very proud, this is the first step admitting you are powerless and need to get off them. You being able to taper will make the detox less, but also seems that you are not tapering successfully. If you are anything like me the pills talk to you all day, play tricks with your mind and you end up saying F it and taking more. That is how tapering worked for me.

I feared the detox, I also believed that nobody could know for almost 7 years. However my disease got worse and worse which eventually ended up in me getting caught stealing pills from a family member. This then resulted in my addict brain thinking a geographic change would sober me up, moved to china from USA! That sure didn't clean me up, almost 4 years later and I am just now 39.5 days sober. If anything read through my threads. It has been an ongoing battle with trying to stay sober. I am now realizing I can't do it alone. I need my higher power and AA to help me stay clean. This is just my advice, I also told my family and they are very supportive.

You can do this. I prefer the cold turkey route as I can't take the mind games of a taper. It never worked for me. Once you jump off you will be sick, think the world is ending but it will pass if you DO NOT PICK UP AGAIN. Now at 39.5 days I know the world is going to keep on going and I am laughing again. Being productive, work is okay and I am making amends through action.

Things will be okay. We are here for you.

Druwyd

Hey Snow, I agree that this forum will probably be more on point for you than Newcomers. Post away as you wrestle the demon, i'll share my perspective, for what it's worth.

four812

Thanks for sharing your problem and plan. That's a tough thing to cut down on the pills and then quit completely ... But it can be done. Hope you keep posting and tell of your sucess!

snowflake74

Thanks everyone. Yeah tapering has been tougher this go-around. I'm hoping once I'm off completely and get some clean time under my belt, it will get easier. And I think it will. I still feel like I don't hate the drug like I need to. But I hated the drug last time I quit and got back on, so maybe that doesn't matter so much. I'm trying to just do it without thinking about it too much. I imagine most people are not thrilled and jumping for joy at first when they quit or taper. I'm just trying to keep myself only thinking about the negatives of the drug and the positives sobriety will bring me and hope that will carry me through. But the support here helps ALOT (I didn't have that before).

cleaninLI

Hey snowflake congrats on your decision to get off this opiate roller coaster to hell! Like many have already said the fact that you are able to taper is huge! I never could! So that says a lot about you and your determination to make this work! You are deffinately not alone....there are many of us painkiller addicts here on SR. Some are where you are right now.....some further along. Since I've been on this board, I've witnessed many grabbing recovery with all they got....some with face to face support and some without. They've been successful and have a significant amount of clean time under their belt. So why should you be any different? You CAN and you WILL do this! I have faith in you even if you don't have faith in you. Ok?

Welcome to SR....glad you're here!

Adnamaeel

I have faith in you, too, Snowflake.

four812

I hope you do good today. And follow your rules of tapering today.

Have a good day snowflake

cleaninalabama

I wouldn't worry too much about not hating pills like you think you should. In fact, i think it is a waste of time to hate an inanimate object anyway. Especially one that does a lot of good. It's not the pills that are the problem, it is you and I. So, don't worry about hating the pills or the doctor or anything else. You will be a lot better off to focus your energy on positive thoughts.

snowflake74

Very good point, CleanInAlabama. This was so good to read this morning - all of these comments. I was thinking last night about my tapering not going as planned but that no matter what, I WILL be clean on May 23rd. I don't care if I didn't taper at all by that day. I'm STILL jumping off. Even if I quit cold turkey I have 4 full days to be sick. I've already saved up some good TV on my DVR to watch that weekend. I am ready for this phase of my life to be over! I'm not going to use a botched taper as an excuse to keep using beyond that date.

You all have a good day too! Thanks again!

lablife

I'm on day 5 of oxy withdrawal, and our time and doses are very similar. It's really not that bad, the first three days were not fun, but I had to work and was able to. My thought patterns were just like yours, I hated the VA for mailing me pills every month, but in the end it was all my fault. Seems like you have a plan of action, and are ready to follow through with it. This is my first time coming off of the pills, and there won't be a second time, really had no idea how far I had progressed into this addiction until I took a good look in the mirror. So let's do this my friend, and don't worry so much about what is to come.

cleaninLI

So true Alabama and lablife! Don't worry about hating the pills enough...everyone's different....focus on the positives.....living your life free from the pills.....free from having to worry do I have enough to last me before I see the doctor.....free to be that person you know is there inside you......free to be able to wake-up, work, play, and sleep normally.....without needing a pill to do those things......free from worrying about someone finding out my big bad secret.....free from all those self-loathing thoughts that I'm a "bad guy" because I'm hooked on pills! May 23 means freedom to you......you are out of the opiate jail that you are in right now. Think back to your past 37 years without this addiction in your life. Remember those days? The days you were free?

When you are ready to take that jump we will be here for you!

FT

Hi snowflake,

The real turning point happens when you want to be clean so badly that your desire for to be drug-free exceeds the powerful pull that your drug has over you.

No one really understands how bad you can feel during withdrawal until you are in the throes of it. Going through that more than one time is hellish. I failed to taper so many times, I found myself repeating that cycle over and over again. At one point, I decided I was just going to be a life-long opiate user. Withdrawal was just too awful.

Until being a user became worse than being in withdrawal.

Ironically, we make the decision to get clean while we still have drugs in us -- it's easy to say, and much much harder to do. We are SO brave and full of "resolve" when our brains are still drug-addled.

Then, reality hits after the drug is "gone," and our "addict brain" panics and starts begging. Until you are ready for that, nothing will work except more drug.

Being prepared for that and having a game plan is what will make this work for you. Set up a support system of people who are interested in seeing you clean and staying clean. Lean on them when you feel horrible. Do NOT withdraw in secret. Engage your forces, let them help you stop yourself when you can't do it on your own.

Or don't.

I visit here and again these days to see who's succeeding and who's not. I hope my friends who used to be here are living drug free lives now. That's why we come here. Most of us don't come back if we are clean.

Good luck. It can be done. Voluntarily feeling like crap for an extended period of time is what it takes. Do whatever you have to do to get through that -- it's worth it when you finally reach the other side.

snowflake74

I'm happy to report I went to my psychiatrist today and got put on Wellbutrin XL 150 mg. Hopefully now I'll be less prone to relapse because I'll feel happier. It doesn't hurt that it's one of the only antidepressants that have weight LOSS as a potential side effect, which is a nice added bonus.

I am also preparing for my 4-day period of time in which I can withdrawal, which starts May 23rd. I've got my favorite TV shows taping on my DVR so all I'll need to do is lay and watch tv. I'm going to "have the flu" that weekend, thus I'm going to ask my mom to make me some homemade chicken noodle soup, which I'll "coincidentally" just happen to have when I just happen to be sick. It's gonna be like camping in my house. Except it's going to feel horrible. But I have a positive attitude and maybe that will make for a better outcome.

lablife

Seriously my friend I really don't think that it will be that bad for you. I felt really tired, sneezed a lot, had a sleight headache, and my legs twitched for a couple hours one day. I have had colds that were way worse. Now I'm rocking on day 7 and feel good. Good energy, my appetite came back today, and over all I feel normal again. I still have this lagging thought process every now and then, but it's pretty rare. Get your game face on, and I'll see you on the 23rd. Your gonna rock this!

pcm54

Hey,Snowflake! It's your old buddy and I am so happy to see you are still on schedule. I know you are going to do fine because you are determined and honest with yourself. One thing you might want to do is have someone you trust on hand to just talk to. I remember when I was detoxing I would just randomly want to talk about "stuff"-my addictions; my clothes; my philosophy on life; whatever. I had people around me 24/7 that first week and that really helped. I know you want to go it alone, but please put some of us on blast when you are doing this so we can be on call for you. You can do this.
Chris

snowflake74

Hi buddy!! Yes, I will be on here a lot, getting support that weekend, so be ready for me Glad to hear from you again, pcm54. How the heck are you? I still say a little prayer for you every day. Just remember... "inspiration!!" (you're an....)

Lablife, you withdrawing from opiates too?? 7 days clean!! That's amazing!! Congratulations and keep it going!

pcm54

Love, love, love you my wonderful friend and partner in a whole new kinda crime. I will be here to you as I always am. You can do this. You are doing this now.

TiredEnough

Lablife, I agree with you on wds not being THAT bad. It sucks for sure but not really any worse than a bad case of the flu. I think people fear it more than it really deserves.