Doctorwho737

HC: oh, trust me I know...guy told me he has been up all night doing coke and when I said I quit not only did he make the rehab remark but also was really trying to convince me.

The rehab line came when he said "Pot is harmless"

"Pot is harmless to you perhaps, but not me. Don't worry I won't get preachy, you can do what you want, I think it suppressed my problems and feelings."

"Did the therapist tell you that? Man, you sound just like a cat who got out of rehab."

Honestly crying and all and feeling sick, I still felt good about how easily I knocked away those temptations...about time my stubbornness got off it's behind and did something useful.

F N' L: I told you before you ARE strong enough...hell, we had a few PM's those convos showed a person stronger then you yourself give you credit for.

This is NOT easy, but nothing worthwhile is.

As for the rest and what HC said about the crying jags, I am willing to take your guys opinions in (and on the crying thing praying you guys are right!) but I also think I repressed emotions as said above.

For a person with abandonment issues and the like, having all those ppl book on you and losing your beloved pets, step-daughter and the boy you called son and called you daddy (as a matter of fact he told my exes husband thet HE was Not his daddy...I AM his daddy...god I love that kid, shame...and when I still had contact he told me, smart as a polished button and sadly like me adult beyond his years: "Daddy, I am the only one here who cares about you anymore."), is a large blow to take and I rannnnnn......

Then to be cautious as hell in your next relationship, do everything to help out in a dire situation, be told the person you began to love will die and then be dumped again in almost about a years time was just too much for me I think.

I went AWOL!

WB: Thanks again and yeah the sooner this part of it ends the better, I feel slightly nuts!

(Well more nuts then usual anyway)

BTW guys it is 5:47PM CST...Day four has arrived, bumpy, weepy and kinda creepy but not unappreciated!!

In a very platonic and friendly way I love each one of you who have been here for me. My therapist knew what he was doing. Shame he leaves in June as he let me figure things out at my own pace once we figured out I use my own intelligence to combat change and progress.

Thank you and I have also kinda almost made my decision about drinking ever again and it is leaning towards no...cause as much as I did agree with F N' L in another thread about the original good times I had, since about 2002 or so it was not as much fun when i think about it and the only reasons those friends needed to drink (me included) was because they could not hang out sober, which is actually quite sad honestly.

Or what Nickelback song asks if it was all "real fun"?

Doctorwho737

Either my bosses kid is forgetful, tempting me or all the drinking and smoking he does has messed up his mind.

He just texted me to say if I need any spots on nicks let him know.

I really hope it is just him being forgetful or not taking me serious yet because I like him he is nice guy and I totally get his issues as do all of you...

I would hate to have to label him an ass, but wtf?

Thank god I am apparently as strong as bunny and F N' L make me out to be in this thread or we would be in some serious temptation time here!

Good lord...

wackybunny

Shame your friend is not remembering/taking what you say seriously. But then it is his "business". Perhaps he's short on cash right now. Plus he may be used to people saying their not going to have any and then give in, my friends heard that enough times from me. Anyway, time to be stubborn. No means no!

Doctorwho737

Yeah Bunny i thought of the money angle as well.

After all, he is losing between 30-60 bucks a week, which was worse with my old guy who moved to Vegas (Why is Las Vegas always coming around in my life since 2013? Damn, before that i was just there as a kid and remember the clown at Circus Circus...now it seems its connected to me every where lol), cause with him it was more like 80 a week min.

And yeah i don't think I will crack, actually the shame guilt I mentioned above if I were to use would be pretty damn bad to me...

But I will admit I am glad I have yet to see him where he might actually show me product.

I also smelled some "loud" good stuff on someone Thursday, which I forgot to mention, but it did not effect me. Glad that was not today though.

Dee74

My Dealer was a good friend...or so it seemed in those days.

That didn't stop him harrassing me or using every trick in the book, including leaving me 'freebies', to keep me as a customer.

D

Doctorwho737

What gets me is he was in an actual rehab, which granted did not take and have no idea how long him being clean lasted but unless he is in denial about the whole thing or as you and Bunny say out for cash you would think he would know what I am saying.

Especially when i use phrases like DOC and the like...or maybe that IS why for all I know.

Doctorwho737

Oh man, I am starting to see how much of my crap is totally not related to pot but I can see why I used daily.

I only slept like another five hours but as soon as I awoke half an hour ago had a question/thought about some really depressing conversations last night and I was UP.

But the reason I'm writing and the reason I am down IS very much related to my DOC because I am bored and lonely. I have most likely till Thursday till I work again and without getting high to numb my brain into thinking a video game and a weed binge followed by another binge of junk food is a good day off.

I just wish I could take the advice of those addiction sites where they say go have coffee with a friend or go for a walk with a loved one. As I said I know I sound totally ignorant but I hate those sentences cause each one just reminds me I don't have family, I don't have any real life friends who are near to me or to be around.

It is depressing and so is this small little room because the man I am forced to stay with, my father understands NOTHING that does not benefit him and is a cruel bastard still besides.

I also am really broken up over my recent relationship and honestly after reading a post somewhere on here (and this sounds really nuts to me as I don't want it and don't want another 'issue', I have plenty) I sometimes wonder about other things I am masking and the biggies are depression, PTSD and anxiety disorders.

The PTSD thing sounds crazy to me but I wonder based on the fact of all the ways important figures in my life just walked and the whole situation flip flopped in an instant. I think my last ex leaving might have awoken those feelings in me, esp as in my opinion her current situation in a few ways mirrors my old home life as a kid.

Plus, if that little dark memory is actually reality i would not doubt it. I even wonder if finding my grandma dead when I was 8 yrs old or so had anything to do with it because when I think back despite being a drinker she did love me and was around more then mom and way way kinder then 'dad'.

Anyway, this is day five and I will not go back but despite crying in public the day before and all the rest, THIS seems to be the hardest day because being in this house is like being in a place you have to walk on egg shells and I can't even escape for the day cause I got no money, no friends and no place to go.

It is even supposed to bloody snow so there goes the idea I did have, which involved at least going to sit outside somewhere.

Anyway, sorry to be such a whiny bastard...I just think ALL of my numbing addictions from booze, to harder stuff to pot was masking all of these things and now they are right here, laughing in my face,

I wish it was something you could physically fight or attack or take a leap of faith like high diving or something cause at least then it is quick no matter the victor.

Thanks again guys, this is day five and I know it gets worse before better but my god this hurts and it sucks and I admit I won't do it but I want to run so badly.

I am really into music expressing myself through others music and this Foo Fighter song keeps rolling in the background of my mind and my mind is deep and usually that means the "background music" is pretty on the money:

Doctorwho737

Wow...

I was sitting here crying to myself and I started to think "just leave me alone!" and then from what seemed like the back of my mind: "Well, you have some money, you can go less then a block away and get a six pack."

Holy fricking cats!!

I have never HEARD that voice so clearly in my mind, seems like he is dying but is till there, like a manipulator in my my own mind, picking his spots cause he knows all my weak bits.

Good lord, that is screwy...

happycampers

I found day 3-5 the hardest, so hopefully, you'll start feeling a bit better tomorrow and onwards. Keep strong - you're going to make yourself into quite a catch for someone if you stay clean !

Mrsbee

I've been following this thread over the weekend, and I definitely feel for you Doctor. However, it seems like you're doing an amazing job recognizing your AV and fighting it off. Early sobriety is no picnic, and I'm still there myself (15 days today)...but I will say that each day, it gets easier. The first week, I didn't go a day without crying. My husband got sober around the same time as me, and had a worse alcohol problem than I did (though an easier time getting off pot than I did) to the point that he checked himself into a treatment facility for 10 days (then 14 days outpatient, he graduates from the program tomorrow actually)...so for me the hardest thing was being home alone when he first went into treatment, worrying about him, and then on top of it, trying to stay sober. I'm currently unemployed so while I definitely feel for the fact that you seem to have temptations in your workplace, at that time, I wished I had a job to go to so I could at least keep my mind off of what was happening. The access I have to marijuana is so easily available it's disgusting and pretty much all my family members partake, even my own parents don't understand my desire to be done with it for good, so I don't have anyone but my husband and you guys on SR that understand.

So it sucks. I'm hesitant to go socialize because #1 I'm more of a homebody type to begin with and #2 all of my friends drink or smoke or both and while they're not insensitive to my desire to quit, I still am not ready to test myself in a social situation. I'm still getting used to live with myself sober, much less other people!

Anyhow...I'm rambling, but the point of me posting here is to say that I think you're doing a great job so far and I'm rooting for you along with everyone else on here. I hope that you are able to find support in the form of AA or NA or some type of peer group in the near future, and as another resident of the Midwest I hear you on the crap weather we have been experiencing! I always say that I'm going to get out and walk around and half the time it's too nasty outside for me to step foot out my house...Chicago is an awesome city so I hope that you are able to find some cool stuff to do out there soon If nothing else, keep writing here. You definitely have a talent for it and it seems like it helps you so that's just a plus.Best of luck!

Doctorwho737

Cheers and thanks for the writing compliment as well, I try to say thank you every time someone says that which is a lot so I don't turn into one of 'those' people that gets so used to some special that they ignore it and take it for granted.

NOTHING special should be taken for granted...through a few things the last few days that message remains true, come pain or gain.

Wow, well you are doing well too then because the strength you have showed esp while hubby was in treatment is amazing.

Yeah this is weird and I hope it subsides a bit because I feel like I'm going nutty and if it continues past a week or two I will consider the same kind of thing your husband did, maybe even for other matters, because this has to be it, this has to be the time to escape and heal.

I deserve better then I have gotten and partially this is very much my fault.

Yeah, I love it here, it is a great place and very knowledgeable and supportive.

Admittedly as said I feel a bit guilty over posting over and over again but that is just the part of me that wants to put the mask on, there are too many people here lol (same reason my pic changed to my actual pic...no more masks!!).

I am just rambling now too (trust me, you should hear some of my phone conversations, esp when trying to explain something lol, I ramble on worse then Led Zep at Budakon. ).

PS: totally curiosity Bee but I am a cat lover and that avatar looks like a pumpkin carving of a cat. What is the significance of that pic and what does the 19 days mean, hard to read the text.

fearNloathing

sounds like you are hanging in there which is awesome, I know how awful you can feel coming off anything. I hate coming off any antidepressiants, not as bad as smack but darn close for me mentally.
I know I'm not some stone sober member and don't think I will ever be considered sober by most on the board since I still toke from time to time, but I gave up a huge part of my life an idenity when I walked away from the parties,clubs and customers. No one ever thinks of their dealer as an addict too, addicted to the money, the life and in allot of cases the drugs. It's hard on the dealer to get clean almost more so than most user, one call does not get me an 8th it gets me a kilo and there is nothing better than using for free because I'm was such a low life who sold to my friends my customers, the people who call me at all hours jonesing, yeah dealers are such a-hole phuckers.

Sorry about the rant but no one ever has a kind word for the people who risked it all for those of you to get high. Have some respect for an old dealer learning to live life clean in more ways than one.

Doctorwho737

I can imagine and have even heard it before.

My guy who moved to LV was a nice guy, we used to BS and all that and he was always upfront and honest.

He almost had a job with the Post Office last Summer and one night at work I say him riding his little brother's BMX bike across the street from the store, going back and forth in a space less then a block.

I called him over and asked him what he was doing and he said he a test so he had to kick and it was hell.

Unfortunately he never got the job but then got back to selling, saying he was not going to smoke it just sell it. Then one day he came in and bought a blunt and I asked him why as he quit.

He said it was impossible to be holding and not smoke.

So yeah...

I keep telling you in public and in PM's how strong you really are from outside observation, and like anyone I know I think is selling themselves short I will keep saying so till either you believe it too or you tell me to shut it lol.

wackybunny

Yep, that voice tried just about every angle with me. The easy times were the sneaky times. At least in the hard times I was vigilant. Now the voice seems to have died. It might come back, I have no idea, but I'm not going to let my guard down for a long time.

Doctorwho737

It is like I said earlier Bunny we will be addicts till the day we die...

Meanwhile I started doing something today I put off which is writing down a comedy routine...yeah.

I would post it but not only does sound like it was written by a sailor on shore leave but it also poke fun at all of this stuff, one example being how we count our sobriety in days.

So it was written with laughs in mind, not seriousness and some may not take it well.

I guess too it was my way of making this exp something else in my head, poking fun at something so serious (and trust me I wrote it like I was speaking it and said point blank it was serious stuff, but I'm making fun of it because it is funny like a lot of other stuff).

But I sent the short rough draft to someone, hope they laugh but doing it on stage?

Wow, don't know about that one, but if I could it would be cool to do.

wackybunny

I often use humour to get me through hard times and while it works for me (living in the UK it seemed pretty normal) not everyone takes it the same way. I used to get in trouble when I moved over to north america and was offending people by my well intentioned wit. I agree that there are limits to what a person can post here, to be respectful and stick to rules. However, there are avenues which are made for that kind of humour and might bring relief to those who "get it". You can pm it to me if you like.

Doctorwho737

Done.

Let me know what you think.

The UK?

I swear I belong there between my TV habits, people I know and work I have done and the people I seem to get along with.

And yeah there is that certain UK wit ppl here don't get. I used to be like Basil Fawlty at my old job and no one noticed. It was like that was an insult. Just because I said thanks and excuse me while saying it does not mean it was not rude.

But that is because of the 'proper' stuff in the culture and most likely three BBC channels and ITV till cable meant documentary a plenty, Doctor Who and Possibly Dave Allen if you stayed up past Watershed.

(Yes, I know way too much about a place I have never been and that was a joke too btw)

wackybunny

Brilliant! This man is hilarious!

England is definitely where my sense of humour belongs.

Doctorwho737

Thanks again Bunny.

Yeah England is where I belong in general lol.

(I mean think of the girls and my accent I mean come on!)

However, nothing you guys can do can sell me on Eel Pies. I mean I love a good Crumble bar or Jammy Dodger but Eel..in a pie.

Noooooo!

One thing i am grateful for is I have not 'lost' anything that AV said I would lose.

"How can you be funny if your not high?"

"How can you think of going on stage for the first time if you don't have a drink?"

fearNloathing

Just checking into see how day 6 is going? Looks like you are not pining over your ex any more which awesome to see, there is a reason they are called ex's.

Stay strong as you said we are all addicts till the day we die, another awesome label put upon us.