My Battle With THC (Pot)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 117
A thousand Cheers Bunny, esp on the voice compliment as that was one take on a phone mic lol!
(The lyrics are in the description of the video btw on the full YT site)
Nah, I don't care who knows, I have no secrets and anyone who first of all takes the time to dig up the dirt and then has the gall to say anything about my past is ignorant and can bite...well you get the idea!
In a very small way I am in the public eye with writing, Who fandom and the paranormal...and I am the kind of chap to admit my failures anyway because again, anyone who attacks me, esp as I am on my way out of all this crap, is an idiot and honestly attacking or 'outing' a recovering addict and abused person is...well...the acts of a moron.
As for the thing with my bosses son, trust me, I am glad he thought I wanted a front and left because I might have actually done it if given too much time to think (lie).
I was also a bit cranky at work, felt a need to chew gum, drink water, like four bottles in 9 hours and kept catching myself thinking about how nice it will be to go home and smoke before I said: "Oh yeah, I'm not smoking pot anymore."
Honestly, I think I am too damn tired to feel any withdrawals right now.
Weird question here has anyone else ever smelled a "weed" smell in their cigarette? I swear my first cigg of the day smelled like it a bit.
(The lyrics are in the description of the video btw on the full YT site)
Nah, I don't care who knows, I have no secrets and anyone who first of all takes the time to dig up the dirt and then has the gall to say anything about my past is ignorant and can bite...well you get the idea!
In a very small way I am in the public eye with writing, Who fandom and the paranormal...and I am the kind of chap to admit my failures anyway because again, anyone who attacks me, esp as I am on my way out of all this crap, is an idiot and honestly attacking or 'outing' a recovering addict and abused person is...well...the acts of a moron.
As for the thing with my bosses son, trust me, I am glad he thought I wanted a front and left because I might have actually done it if given too much time to think (lie).
I was also a bit cranky at work, felt a need to chew gum, drink water, like four bottles in 9 hours and kept catching myself thinking about how nice it will be to go home and smoke before I said: "Oh yeah, I'm not smoking pot anymore."
Honestly, I think I am too damn tired to feel any withdrawals right now.
Weird question here has anyone else ever smelled a "weed" smell in their cigarette? I swear my first cigg of the day smelled like it a bit.
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
I don't think I smelled weed on cigs but my sense of smell has been off the charts for ages now. I smell weird things all day. And I only quit weed, not cigs so can't imagine what the world smells like off both.
Glad to hear about the water. You may need extra water because of night sweats, those are so fun
I wish I cared less what world thought of me, have always been like two people. One bright chipper healthy good girl and one weed and cigarette smoking bad girl. Only a few people know both.
Glad to hear about the water. You may need extra water because of night sweats, those are so fun
I wish I cared less what world thought of me, have always been like two people. One bright chipper healthy good girl and one weed and cigarette smoking bad girl. Only a few people know both.
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
How you going to fill the time without weed? I watched several tv series back to back, anything to keep distracted. Lots of people find that being active with exercise or activities help and while I bet that is much better than what I did, I just couldn't motivate myself.
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Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 117
Between all the drama and psych stuff since 2012 I have been neglecting my writing.
So a lot of that...
I am also currently watching all of Kitchen Nightmares both UK and US in order right now lol, so i guess that too.
So a lot of that...
I am also currently watching all of Kitchen Nightmares both UK and US in order right now lol, so i guess that too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 117
First of all an update:
Despite not sleeping Wednesday into Thursday, I still did not fall asleep until about midnight.
Some dreams, just bits and pieces but I woke up after all of them I think and one of them was deffo about pot.
One side effect is some very loose stool, which sucks but Googled it and as a lot of THC ends up in your small intestine they say it happens...happy, happy, joy, joy...
One note about that, bolded for emphasis:
Why the hell do Marijuana addiction and recovery sites use pictures of buds on their websites??!!??
I guess for some it is a matter of ignorance and perhaps for other this is a way to make people realize they have an issue so they get money but my god, how stupid is it to show a recovering addict a pic of his or her DOC?
Anyway...
A poster PM'd with a question that he or she wanted to ask here but was wary if I would be offended or not want to air my dirty laundry in public (IMO if it isn't hung on the line it never gets dry and you never know in this environment on SR who I might inspire, help or push in a positive direction, much like Bunny's thread helped me out).
But considering today is counseling and later that codependent group (which I am seriously thinking of ditching...little help here guys?), might as well dip into the muck that lead to the other muck...
Here is the question, I won't post the name in case the other party wishes to remain anonymous:
Yes.
Thank you for asking.
(Excuse my weird wit)
Ok...
I don't recall all of my early childhood, but under the hood of this addict and abused person is one hell of a brain and I have retained more then most.
As far as abuse goes, we have to start with a piece of dirty knickers that to this point is only known by a few.
I said I was writing all this down and I am, so I can copy and paste a bit here thankfully:
My first memories I have of my father are of him having to go to work and me crying and wanting him to stay. I recall one night in particular in the front room of the house we used to own on the South Side of Chicago, my father in the blue scrubs of a hospital worker, my mother getting ready for bed. I had this toy that allowed you to play silent cartoons with a crank like an old flip book, and my father telling me to watch the cartoon. I made Bugs Bunny run up and down, back and forth up the stone steps of that medieval castle quite a few times and when I turned around my father was gone and I began to cry again.
Nothing too dramatic as memories go, but later on like everything else there was always the question of if my dad somehow encouraged that response from me, something I will try and expand on later.
The first time I can recall anything “bad,” being different or a trouble source in my parent's life was when I began to attend school.
Kindergarten was easy as I thought the work was ridiculously simple: Circle five beans out of ten, recite the alphabet and tell us what color this block is. I took to it like a fish to water and was enormously happy about all the praise I got for being so smart and getting those all powerful “gold star” stickers when I brought my work home.
Things were to change quickly as I entered first grade at a South Side Catholic grade school close to where I lived.
In grade school you were there for longer and of course there would be regular washroom breaks during the day for the kids. My father had told me before the school year started that I should be wary of other little boys trying to see my privates in the washroom (his own repressed memories?).
Like most little boys my father was like a god to me and when a god speaks you listen.
So it just so happened that the last bathroom break was right before one of the last classes of the day which was Math. As I attempted to use the urinal, I noticed a boy leaning against the wall that divided the stalls and urinals from the washroom entrance.
Of course most likely this kid was doing nothing more then waiting for the other boys to be finished but my dad's words rang in my ears and I could not relieve my bladder, so I held it.
This lead to me urinating in my pants in the middle of math class and this happened more then once.
Needless to say in the eyes of my young peers this marked me for the rest of my days in that school as a target for tons of bullying and abuse.
So for the next decade or show I was that kid, the hated kid, I had no friends and no one wanted anything to do with me. Eventually between this and dear Father's wonderful parenting skills I began to really believe (and honestly still do deep down) that I was just as much of an outcast and loser as they all said.
In 1987 my mother was diagnosed with Multiple sclerosis and from there my dad eventually wound up in full control.
To put the mental and verbal (with some physical) abuse into words is hard as hell, not because I do not wish to relive them or share them but because overall it fell into one big pattern and one dark memory I have no idea if I repressed or I am not recalling correctly.
Most of the abuse was verbal, and every day I went from being called names and bullied at school to coming home and being bullied by my own father. Most of this revolved around me being lazy and fat and being told that I would amount to nothing.
The weight was there admittedly but it came through abuse, because at one time, way before I ever got into any 'real' drug, food was my comfort and my drug of choice. By the time I was in eight grade in the Chicago Public School System (I left Catholic School in fourth grade) my mom was hospitalized most of the time and not only had I gained weight but I did nothing about my hygiene or physical appearance and did zero work in school.
On a side note this says a lot about the Chicago Public School System that no one ever cared to intervene with a kid who so obviously lost and not being taken care of properly. In my twenties I'd always remark when telling this story that I should be like everyone else in modern society and sue them for this tragedy.
Essentially nothing was ever good enough for my dad. If you cleaned the kitchen like he asked he would find a corner with dust or dirt and say: “You cleaned the kitchen? Then why is this still here? Stop doing everything lazy and half assed. Maybe if you actually moved, you would not be so damn fat and so damn lazy.”
Problem with this is kids (or anyone, I have seen this pattern in adults I have known, it is NOT kid exclusive) is that you really want to please this force in your life that say's it loves you and cares and then bashes you to pieces about the smallest detail.
Most of the time when I got upset these became “jokes” and after all, he was “only joking”, I should grow a pair and a sense of humor. He could not be blamed, something that continued till recently when I asked him to come to a therapy session with me (he has been going to the same place for years since he was deemed bi-polar).
His response was that nothing I said in there and none of my problems had anything to do with his involvement in my life and he refused to go.
Thing is these are not jokes, these are not funny.
.................................................. .......................................
My narrative stops there I'm afraid in the text, but it was like that all the damn time.
One thing I did not touch on was that dark memory and here it is:
I think I may have been sexually molested by him as well and I base this on the fact of a memory where sleeping in my dad's bed (my parents slept in separate rooms for years) I awoke to him touching me so to speak.
This was reinforced by something he said TWICE while in a rage at me recently...essentially: "Don't make me put it in your behind like I did when you were a kid."
I mean, come on now...
So I hope that answers that for you and I know yet again I am missing tons of stuff, but it is just so much data and history it is insane.
Trust me, one thing I have learned through all of this is that I am VERY strong, I could be dead, I could be my father and I could still be stuck in the rut of denial and self abuse.
Despite not sleeping Wednesday into Thursday, I still did not fall asleep until about midnight.
Some dreams, just bits and pieces but I woke up after all of them I think and one of them was deffo about pot.
One side effect is some very loose stool, which sucks but Googled it and as a lot of THC ends up in your small intestine they say it happens...happy, happy, joy, joy...
One note about that, bolded for emphasis:
Why the hell do Marijuana addiction and recovery sites use pictures of buds on their websites??!!??
I guess for some it is a matter of ignorance and perhaps for other this is a way to make people realize they have an issue so they get money but my god, how stupid is it to show a recovering addict a pic of his or her DOC?
Anyway...
A poster PM'd with a question that he or she wanted to ask here but was wary if I would be offended or not want to air my dirty laundry in public (IMO if it isn't hung on the line it never gets dry and you never know in this environment on SR who I might inspire, help or push in a positive direction, much like Bunny's thread helped me out).
But considering today is counseling and later that codependent group (which I am seriously thinking of ditching...little help here guys?), might as well dip into the muck that lead to the other muck...
Here is the question, I won't post the name in case the other party wishes to remain anonymous:
You mention you where a victim of abuse I was wondering about that and hate to ask such a personal question but would you mind going into that aspect of your life a little more? And do you feel it was the root cause for your addictions later in life?
Thank you for asking.
(Excuse my weird wit)
Ok...
I don't recall all of my early childhood, but under the hood of this addict and abused person is one hell of a brain and I have retained more then most.
As far as abuse goes, we have to start with a piece of dirty knickers that to this point is only known by a few.
I said I was writing all this down and I am, so I can copy and paste a bit here thankfully:
My first memories I have of my father are of him having to go to work and me crying and wanting him to stay. I recall one night in particular in the front room of the house we used to own on the South Side of Chicago, my father in the blue scrubs of a hospital worker, my mother getting ready for bed. I had this toy that allowed you to play silent cartoons with a crank like an old flip book, and my father telling me to watch the cartoon. I made Bugs Bunny run up and down, back and forth up the stone steps of that medieval castle quite a few times and when I turned around my father was gone and I began to cry again.
Nothing too dramatic as memories go, but later on like everything else there was always the question of if my dad somehow encouraged that response from me, something I will try and expand on later.
The first time I can recall anything “bad,” being different or a trouble source in my parent's life was when I began to attend school.
Kindergarten was easy as I thought the work was ridiculously simple: Circle five beans out of ten, recite the alphabet and tell us what color this block is. I took to it like a fish to water and was enormously happy about all the praise I got for being so smart and getting those all powerful “gold star” stickers when I brought my work home.
Things were to change quickly as I entered first grade at a South Side Catholic grade school close to where I lived.
In grade school you were there for longer and of course there would be regular washroom breaks during the day for the kids. My father had told me before the school year started that I should be wary of other little boys trying to see my privates in the washroom (his own repressed memories?).
Like most little boys my father was like a god to me and when a god speaks you listen.
So it just so happened that the last bathroom break was right before one of the last classes of the day which was Math. As I attempted to use the urinal, I noticed a boy leaning against the wall that divided the stalls and urinals from the washroom entrance.
Of course most likely this kid was doing nothing more then waiting for the other boys to be finished but my dad's words rang in my ears and I could not relieve my bladder, so I held it.
This lead to me urinating in my pants in the middle of math class and this happened more then once.
Needless to say in the eyes of my young peers this marked me for the rest of my days in that school as a target for tons of bullying and abuse.
So for the next decade or show I was that kid, the hated kid, I had no friends and no one wanted anything to do with me. Eventually between this and dear Father's wonderful parenting skills I began to really believe (and honestly still do deep down) that I was just as much of an outcast and loser as they all said.
In 1987 my mother was diagnosed with Multiple sclerosis and from there my dad eventually wound up in full control.
To put the mental and verbal (with some physical) abuse into words is hard as hell, not because I do not wish to relive them or share them but because overall it fell into one big pattern and one dark memory I have no idea if I repressed or I am not recalling correctly.
Most of the abuse was verbal, and every day I went from being called names and bullied at school to coming home and being bullied by my own father. Most of this revolved around me being lazy and fat and being told that I would amount to nothing.
The weight was there admittedly but it came through abuse, because at one time, way before I ever got into any 'real' drug, food was my comfort and my drug of choice. By the time I was in eight grade in the Chicago Public School System (I left Catholic School in fourth grade) my mom was hospitalized most of the time and not only had I gained weight but I did nothing about my hygiene or physical appearance and did zero work in school.
On a side note this says a lot about the Chicago Public School System that no one ever cared to intervene with a kid who so obviously lost and not being taken care of properly. In my twenties I'd always remark when telling this story that I should be like everyone else in modern society and sue them for this tragedy.
Essentially nothing was ever good enough for my dad. If you cleaned the kitchen like he asked he would find a corner with dust or dirt and say: “You cleaned the kitchen? Then why is this still here? Stop doing everything lazy and half assed. Maybe if you actually moved, you would not be so damn fat and so damn lazy.”
Problem with this is kids (or anyone, I have seen this pattern in adults I have known, it is NOT kid exclusive) is that you really want to please this force in your life that say's it loves you and cares and then bashes you to pieces about the smallest detail.
Most of the time when I got upset these became “jokes” and after all, he was “only joking”, I should grow a pair and a sense of humor. He could not be blamed, something that continued till recently when I asked him to come to a therapy session with me (he has been going to the same place for years since he was deemed bi-polar).
His response was that nothing I said in there and none of my problems had anything to do with his involvement in my life and he refused to go.
Thing is these are not jokes, these are not funny.
.................................................. .......................................
My narrative stops there I'm afraid in the text, but it was like that all the damn time.
One thing I did not touch on was that dark memory and here it is:
I think I may have been sexually molested by him as well and I base this on the fact of a memory where sleeping in my dad's bed (my parents slept in separate rooms for years) I awoke to him touching me so to speak.
This was reinforced by something he said TWICE while in a rage at me recently...essentially: "Don't make me put it in your behind like I did when you were a kid."
I mean, come on now...
So I hope that answers that for you and I know yet again I am missing tons of stuff, but it is just so much data and history it is insane.
Trust me, one thing I have learned through all of this is that I am VERY strong, I could be dead, I could be my father and I could still be stuck in the rut of denial and self abuse.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Dantes 9th circle
Posts: 470
Thanks for sharing.
As for your codependent group thing I say go, what is it going to hurt? It may help, it may not, but it will get you out of the house and around other people, something it sound like you have been wainting/needing to do.
And congrats on Day 2.
As for your codependent group thing I say go, what is it going to hurt? It may help, it may not, but it will get you out of the house and around other people, something it sound like you have been wainting/needing to do.
And congrats on Day 2.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 117
Thank you!
Also my coundlor seemed happy that I kicked and I upped my visits to twice a week to help me cope.
What sucks is I work the next two days...good for my finances, not good for my temptation as I sell blunts all day to ppl who know I smoke...
Edit: also weird thought but when not at work so far I am OK...I actually feel high, but a different kind of high...it is weird.
Also my coundlor seemed happy that I kicked and I upped my visits to twice a week to help me cope.
What sucks is I work the next two days...good for my finances, not good for my temptation as I sell blunts all day to ppl who know I smoke...
Edit: also weird thought but when not at work so far I am OK...I actually feel high, but a different kind of high...it is weird.
Last edited by Doctorwho737; 04-11-2014 at 02:38 PM. Reason: Added a thought.
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
Wow Dr, you are doing so well! Turning it down like that and getting through. Takes a lot of strength and determination. You really sound positive. I don't have much time to comment as I have to go out right now but I wanted to congratulate you on your current success!
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 117
Thanks Bunny!
Well Tried to go to codependent group but when i got to the church where it was held the doors were locked and no one answered the phone nor the bell.
I even got asked what I was doing hanging about outside for like 30 minutes...good thing I was not 'holding' eh?
But it ticked me off, probably more so with the withdrawal stuff under the surface...what a waste of two bucks on the bus and two hours of my time.
Back in the day, this is the kind of thing I would have used to blow the whole thing off.
It also made me kind of squirrely right now lol. Since that night two days ago, this is the first time I have wanted to smoke...but cannot and will not, I think what scares me is no sleep tonight.
My problems with my legs are effected by sleep, the swelling goes down when I am sleeping and today when I got up I got leg cramps in both legs and it hurt like a B.
If I did not have to work, which I only do three or two days a week it would not be so bad, but this might be a kind of hell for me as I move forward.
Have to write my newspaper column, have a couple more hours which is usually no problem but I cannot think of something to bash out 500nor so words on right now...want to write about this stuff but may be too heavy for a small town Texas monthly lol.
At some point if you guys don't mind I would like to explore other stuff here as well.
Well Tried to go to codependent group but when i got to the church where it was held the doors were locked and no one answered the phone nor the bell.
I even got asked what I was doing hanging about outside for like 30 minutes...good thing I was not 'holding' eh?
But it ticked me off, probably more so with the withdrawal stuff under the surface...what a waste of two bucks on the bus and two hours of my time.
Back in the day, this is the kind of thing I would have used to blow the whole thing off.
It also made me kind of squirrely right now lol. Since that night two days ago, this is the first time I have wanted to smoke...but cannot and will not, I think what scares me is no sleep tonight.
My problems with my legs are effected by sleep, the swelling goes down when I am sleeping and today when I got up I got leg cramps in both legs and it hurt like a B.
If I did not have to work, which I only do three or two days a week it would not be so bad, but this might be a kind of hell for me as I move forward.
Have to write my newspaper column, have a couple more hours which is usually no problem but I cannot think of something to bash out 500nor so words on right now...want to write about this stuff but may be too heavy for a small town Texas monthly lol.
At some point if you guys don't mind I would like to explore other stuff here as well.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 117
My bosses kid just texted me about a nickel bag so again I told him this:
***, I love you like a brother but you have done rehab before so you know...pot is my drug of choice and I just gotta get off the bus man...
But thanks anyway, don't worry, I will not get preachy nor am I a rat so no worries, but please don't ask again because that might make it harder to keep clean.
Also, I know its my own inner BS but I feel weird constantly posting updates in this thread (codependent crap) so can someone let me get that stupid worry out of my head?
***, I love you like a brother but you have done rehab before so you know...pot is my drug of choice and I just gotta get off the bus man...
But thanks anyway, don't worry, I will not get preachy nor am I a rat so no worries, but please don't ask again because that might make it harder to keep clean.
Also, I know its my own inner BS but I feel weird constantly posting updates in this thread (codependent crap) so can someone let me get that stupid worry out of my head?
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Posts: 117
Well, I have hit a slight snag...I recall reading in Bunny's thread how she felt overpowering emotions after kicking and now I am feeling much the same.
I still talk to my last ex, but to understand I have to give you more background, I will try and keep it short.
Essentially I met her through a friend who said she was a lovely girl, which she was. She was kind and did not hurt others, I birded my time with any moves like dating or sex because my last one ended badly as I said in the op the year before.
She lived with her mom with her two kids after leaving her ex and eventually we started to seriously date, with talk of moving to Las Vegas after some mutual friends did.
On July 5th, she got into it with her mother over money and her car, since she could not drive due to accident she was still recovering from where she hurt her head (she already had lupus and was raped by her dad and a gang of men. She was broken but inside she is so smart, beautiful and kind).
So she left her mom's, but without anyplace to go, so this was a problem. She tried and I tried to raise the money to leave, I was even selling all my property and kinda kicked them, except I cheated every Sunday night after work.
Then the place she was staying fell through and she had to stay in her exes house while dating me (I know, I know and I have told her recently that if I was in my right mind, that would have been a no go for me) then she told me that she has known since May that she was dying from small vessel disease, and tried to give me an easy out because of my mom and watching her die.
I told her I did not care about that, I loved her and then she started to distance herself and then one night by rage and jealousy got the better of me after I had patched it all up the night before and I went off via text.
She then put us on hold and then broke up with me, and then a month later got back with her ex.
But it is not so cut and dry.
Later she told me she did love me, hated him but what was the point if she was just going to die and her friends in Vegas says she has always been like this.
She even admitted the other night to turning another guy away years ago.
thing is I thought the emotional side of it was gone but right now I feel like it is August all over again. I won't drink or smoke as I know that is just hiding but my god do I want this to stop right now.
I really do love her I could care about all the issues she has she is so beautiful inside and she is just in denial...I know I cannot wake a person up if they won't wake up but it kills me that she is killing herself and denying herself happiness.
Her friends tell me what she won't like he is supposed to go to jail for two years so he is fleeing the state and that they fight all the time and she tells them how miserable she is.
I even wrote a song for her before my therapy today which I think says it all:
She is just so hard headed and afraid and I guess the pot has made it all numb and now it is back...this sucks. 
Still, the future lies forward and if I am able to save one person before I stop doing the saving thing anymore, it would be her, because she has been through so much and is so lovely and she deserves it if only she would see...
Can't sleep, esp with my head like this, I want to cry so bad but can't seem to get it out.
Arrrrrgggghhhh!!!
I still talk to my last ex, but to understand I have to give you more background, I will try and keep it short.
Essentially I met her through a friend who said she was a lovely girl, which she was. She was kind and did not hurt others, I birded my time with any moves like dating or sex because my last one ended badly as I said in the op the year before.
She lived with her mom with her two kids after leaving her ex and eventually we started to seriously date, with talk of moving to Las Vegas after some mutual friends did.
On July 5th, she got into it with her mother over money and her car, since she could not drive due to accident she was still recovering from where she hurt her head (she already had lupus and was raped by her dad and a gang of men. She was broken but inside she is so smart, beautiful and kind).
So she left her mom's, but without anyplace to go, so this was a problem. She tried and I tried to raise the money to leave, I was even selling all my property and kinda kicked them, except I cheated every Sunday night after work.
Then the place she was staying fell through and she had to stay in her exes house while dating me (I know, I know and I have told her recently that if I was in my right mind, that would have been a no go for me) then she told me that she has known since May that she was dying from small vessel disease, and tried to give me an easy out because of my mom and watching her die.
I told her I did not care about that, I loved her and then she started to distance herself and then one night by rage and jealousy got the better of me after I had patched it all up the night before and I went off via text.
She then put us on hold and then broke up with me, and then a month later got back with her ex.
But it is not so cut and dry.
Later she told me she did love me, hated him but what was the point if she was just going to die and her friends in Vegas says she has always been like this.
She even admitted the other night to turning another guy away years ago.
thing is I thought the emotional side of it was gone but right now I feel like it is August all over again. I won't drink or smoke as I know that is just hiding but my god do I want this to stop right now.
I really do love her I could care about all the issues she has she is so beautiful inside and she is just in denial...I know I cannot wake a person up if they won't wake up but it kills me that she is killing herself and denying herself happiness.
Her friends tell me what she won't like he is supposed to go to jail for two years so he is fleeing the state and that they fight all the time and she tells them how miserable she is.
I even wrote a song for her before my therapy today which I think says it all:
Wake Up! (****' Prayer)
I wanna be your Gordon Ramsay, I just want to scream in your face,
I wanna put you back where you belong back to a better place.
I don't wanna hurt your sense of freedom, and I don't want no control,
That is knife that will cut me deep, put me right back in the hole.
You just remind me so much of my mother, staying where nothing grows,
Hiding behind business and health, so no one ever knows,
Same as you she never let em' in to protect what she thought she had,
But honestly going back in time I wish she made another man my dad.
So please...
Wake up, wake up!
Not for me but just for you...
(wake up, wake up)
Before this life is through.
(Wake up, wake up)
Realize how special you are
(Wake up, wake up)
Before it goes too far.
We both have that background baby, oh that bed of shame.
But I can no longer lay there, no longer taking blame.
I just want you beside me in a bed not made of fear.
I know you see it luv, I know you see it clear.
I'm waking up, soon I'll touch the sky,
I want to take you with me from our nightmares,
I cannot sit idly by.
Love can be a four letter word, but only if you let it.
I have been your confessor, you let me hear your sins.
Now let me absolve you of the crimes you only hold within.
I want to be there through the stormy seas.
But I cannot continue to be down on my knees forever.
Love yourself to love me, love yourself to love others, love yourself to be free..please oh please...
Wake up, wake up!
Not for me but just for you...
(wake up, wake up)
Before this life is through.
(Wake up, wake up)
Realize how special you are
(Wake up, wake up)
Before it goes too far.
We both have that background baby, oh that bed of shame.
But I can no longer lay there, no longer taking blame.
I just want you beside me in a bed not made of fear.
I know you see it luv, I know you see it clear.
I'm waking up, soon I'll touch the sky,
I want to take you with me from our nightmares,
I cannot sit idly by.
Love can be a four letter word, but only if you let it.
I wanna be your Gordon Ramsay, I just want to scream in your face,
I wanna put you back where you belong back to a better place.
I don't wanna hurt your sense of freedom, and I don't want no control,
That is knife that will cut me deep, put me right back in the hole.
You just remind me so much of my mother, staying where nothing grows,
Hiding behind business and health, so no one ever knows,
Same as you she never let em' in to protect what she thought she had,
But honestly going back in time I wish she made another man my dad.
So please...
Wake up, wake up!
Not for me but just for you...
(wake up, wake up)
Before this life is through.
(Wake up, wake up)
Realize how special you are
(Wake up, wake up)
Before it goes too far.
We both have that background baby, oh that bed of shame.
But I can no longer lay there, no longer taking blame.
I just want you beside me in a bed not made of fear.
I know you see it luv, I know you see it clear.
I'm waking up, soon I'll touch the sky,
I want to take you with me from our nightmares,
I cannot sit idly by.
Love can be a four letter word, but only if you let it.
I have been your confessor, you let me hear your sins.
Now let me absolve you of the crimes you only hold within.
I want to be there through the stormy seas.
But I cannot continue to be down on my knees forever.
Love yourself to love me, love yourself to love others, love yourself to be free..please oh please...
Wake up, wake up!
Not for me but just for you...
(wake up, wake up)
Before this life is through.
(Wake up, wake up)
Realize how special you are
(Wake up, wake up)
Before it goes too far.
We both have that background baby, oh that bed of shame.
But I can no longer lay there, no longer taking blame.
I just want you beside me in a bed not made of fear.
I know you see it luv, I know you see it clear.
I'm waking up, soon I'll touch the sky,
I want to take you with me from our nightmares,
I cannot sit idly by.
Love can be a four letter word, but only if you let it.
Still, the future lies forward and if I am able to save one person before I stop doing the saving thing anymore, it would be her, because she has been through so much and is so lovely and she deserves it if only she would see...
Can't sleep, esp with my head like this, I want to cry so bad but can't seem to get it out.
Arrrrrgggghhhh!!!
hopping for freedom
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 847
As you probably read, when the emotional stuff came up for me, I took some advice and took a rain check on it. I realized that there was no hurry to sort myself out and that the withdrawal and then PAWS stage was not the best stage to start hashing things out. You can acknowledge the issues and tell yourself you will deal with them later. We get in a habit of numbing things and when we're not numb, as you said, we FEEL. It can all be too overwhelming and can trigger us to numb ourselves again. So be kind to yourself, one thing at a time. Just do what you can to get through the first few weeks/months without numbing yourself. If that means not tackling things that trigger you, that's ok. There will be PLENTY of time in the years to come to tackle these big issues.
I can see in some of your posts, the codependency issues. I too used to be mainly attracted to people who'd had a hard life and had major issues. Drama and strong emotions were stimulating and exciting. Happy/healthy people seemed shallow and boring and I could not relate to them. As I worked on myself more and more and grew into a happier person, it changed. While I still gravitate towards people with complex life stories, I don't get so involved with people who seem to chose to live their life in turmoil. My peers are now grown ups and able to make changes for the better if they like, chose to learn a healthier way of dealing with things or stay stuck.
You might find that as you quit weed and your mind clears, as you work on yourself, you become more attracted to likeminded people. As in, people who have also worked on themselves, who have a healthier outlook. We'll always have tragedies come into our lives but the way we handle them is what matters.
I can see in some of your posts, the codependency issues. I too used to be mainly attracted to people who'd had a hard life and had major issues. Drama and strong emotions were stimulating and exciting. Happy/healthy people seemed shallow and boring and I could not relate to them. As I worked on myself more and more and grew into a happier person, it changed. While I still gravitate towards people with complex life stories, I don't get so involved with people who seem to chose to live their life in turmoil. My peers are now grown ups and able to make changes for the better if they like, chose to learn a healthier way of dealing with things or stay stuck.
You might find that as you quit weed and your mind clears, as you work on yourself, you become more attracted to likeminded people. As in, people who have also worked on themselves, who have a healthier outlook. We'll always have tragedies come into our lives but the way we handle them is what matters.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 117
Thanks for the messages guys, I'd be lying if I said I did not feel a little worse today, I woke up about twenty minutes ago and started crying and have not stopped yet.
Could not fall asleep till almost 7 AM...
Mostly the waterworks is because of the main reason I kept myself numb, which is when I'm not at work I'm a 37 year old man living in a one bedroom apt with my father.
Besides you guys here (which I am not belittling at all), the only two people I can talk to is my ex, which obviously the above shows there is a lot of unresolved emotion there and my friend in Vegas, who like my ex is a wonderful person.
But...
My ex has her son's birthday party today and I said I would not talk to her till Sunday night, which seems like it is an eternity. Plus, I may be incredibly compromised but I know that the above posts seem insane and crazy and honestly just really stupid.
What seems even more stupid is how much I was aware of the numbing. Before I would have woke up, started thinking about this and I would have packed a bowl and every time I had a thought I would have taken another hit, turned on my PS3 (which I stupidly bought with my tax money before I went from four days a week to two-and of course a lot of that cash too I wasted on weed, the good stuff so like forty or sixty dollars at a time. Anyone who says a weed habit is cheap in 2014 is fricking fooling themselves.- ) and now I have touched thew thing since the last day I was high on Tuesday
I just feel so isolated and alone and my dad is no help, last night before the meeting I tried to attend (which reminds me I got to call that church but not right now, right now I would take this rage and throw it at them, the same way I was just yelling at a box fan to do it's job and cool me off properly -yes, it sounds insane and trust me I feel like a fool writing that down compared to everything else above), my dad told me he knew I was doing drugs. I told him not for two (three!) days now. When I returned I told him about the meeting being cancelled and he jut said "drug addicts are like that."
I get so damn jealous in some of these threads, especially the ones where someone's wife or girlfriend is standing by a recovering addicts side and has love and faith for them. Just so damn jealous because I have not had a family most of my life and no one seems to want anything to do with me besides those two people and I have called them so many times (and I don't want to be an ass and spoil her kids party with my bs)and I feel guilty about calling either one, like I'm bothering them.
My only other friend since high school has not really wanted to really hang out for a year and I could see what they are doing but what they will be doing is drinking and smoking and although I have not made my final decision on drinking as a whole I know right now till I'm a bit more free of this crap it would be a bad idea (Hey, what is this stuff, I recall this it's that other 'forget' medicine...hmmm, let's just do that! Nope, nope, nope, no way, no how, nyet)
Not to mention it is gonna rain and I have exactly 53 cents till tomorrow after work and even then due to put off bills and owing somebody cash borrowed for pot last week I will almost be instantly broke again. Plus I am almost out of papers for my home rolled ciggs...this is not a good combo at all.
I'm sorry guys, I know I seem like a complete fool...I will NOT smoke but my god, please let me out of this hell.
PS: I cannot just put all these emotions off because there is nothing else and really this is what i was using for, to not think these thoughts, so I guess more then most this thoughts will be front and center esp as said with no real life friends, family or support system (I really hope all you guys know how lucky you are if someone loves you through this crap)
Could not fall asleep till almost 7 AM...
Mostly the waterworks is because of the main reason I kept myself numb, which is when I'm not at work I'm a 37 year old man living in a one bedroom apt with my father.
Besides you guys here (which I am not belittling at all), the only two people I can talk to is my ex, which obviously the above shows there is a lot of unresolved emotion there and my friend in Vegas, who like my ex is a wonderful person.
But...
My ex has her son's birthday party today and I said I would not talk to her till Sunday night, which seems like it is an eternity. Plus, I may be incredibly compromised but I know that the above posts seem insane and crazy and honestly just really stupid.
What seems even more stupid is how much I was aware of the numbing. Before I would have woke up, started thinking about this and I would have packed a bowl and every time I had a thought I would have taken another hit, turned on my PS3 (which I stupidly bought with my tax money before I went from four days a week to two-and of course a lot of that cash too I wasted on weed, the good stuff so like forty or sixty dollars at a time. Anyone who says a weed habit is cheap in 2014 is fricking fooling themselves.- ) and now I have touched thew thing since the last day I was high on Tuesday
I just feel so isolated and alone and my dad is no help, last night before the meeting I tried to attend (which reminds me I got to call that church but not right now, right now I would take this rage and throw it at them, the same way I was just yelling at a box fan to do it's job and cool me off properly -yes, it sounds insane and trust me I feel like a fool writing that down compared to everything else above), my dad told me he knew I was doing drugs. I told him not for two (three!) days now. When I returned I told him about the meeting being cancelled and he jut said "drug addicts are like that."
I get so damn jealous in some of these threads, especially the ones where someone's wife or girlfriend is standing by a recovering addicts side and has love and faith for them. Just so damn jealous because I have not had a family most of my life and no one seems to want anything to do with me besides those two people and I have called them so many times (and I don't want to be an ass and spoil her kids party with my bs)and I feel guilty about calling either one, like I'm bothering them.
My only other friend since high school has not really wanted to really hang out for a year and I could see what they are doing but what they will be doing is drinking and smoking and although I have not made my final decision on drinking as a whole I know right now till I'm a bit more free of this crap it would be a bad idea (Hey, what is this stuff, I recall this it's that other 'forget' medicine...hmmm, let's just do that! Nope, nope, nope, no way, no how, nyet)
Not to mention it is gonna rain and I have exactly 53 cents till tomorrow after work and even then due to put off bills and owing somebody cash borrowed for pot last week I will almost be instantly broke again. Plus I am almost out of papers for my home rolled ciggs...this is not a good combo at all.
I'm sorry guys, I know I seem like a complete fool...I will NOT smoke but my god, please let me out of this hell.
PS: I cannot just put all these emotions off because there is nothing else and really this is what i was using for, to not think these thoughts, so I guess more then most this thoughts will be front and center esp as said with no real life friends, family or support system (I really hope all you guys know how lucky you are if someone loves you through this crap)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Dantes 9th circle
Posts: 470
Do what you have to do to stay clean, if it means posting updates then go for it. What ever works for you and gets you though another day clean. I have total respect for you guys who are giving up the green goodness. I don't smoke like I use to I could go though an 8th a day alone sometimes more if I was home all day, now an 8th can last me a month. Giving it up is hard thing to do so props to you former tokers, Gods strength.
Sucks about your codependent meeting but it happends, I am glad to see you did not revert to old ways, somthing that is so easy to do, esp with green because it can seem so harmless to toke a bowl to help destress. Stay strong. You have people who care about you here and as long as you care we are always going to be here with support.
We all have our own reason as to why we use and what we use but we all use, it's the common ground we have in this battle.
Sucks about your codependent meeting but it happends, I am glad to see you did not revert to old ways, somthing that is so easy to do, esp with green because it can seem so harmless to toke a bowl to help destress. Stay strong. You have people who care about you here and as long as you care we are always going to be here with support.
We all have our own reason as to why we use and what we use but we all use, it's the common ground we have in this battle.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 117
Thanks F N' L.
I wish I could smoke an 8th a month but I am a deep THC addict (I used to say even two months ago to my counselor how I just wanted pot to go back to being a weekend thing or whatever, now I know that was me fooling myself, unless I'm dying in a hospital bed and it's pain or pot I can NEVER use pot again).
The last guy, my bosses kid, would sell me a quarter of regular weed for twenty-five dollars. this would maybe last me three days if I was lucky.
From about twenty or thirty minutes after I woke up till right before (and I mean right before, like I would take like three or four rapid hits before trying to fall asleep) I would smoke and same on days I went to work, I would smoke along the way or outside my job before I opened the store and even at various times would smoke while working.
I mean I knew...I recall about a week ago my ex called and I had no pot and was on a crying binge. Then the next times she called I was high and I even pointed out to her the difference in the convo (trust me, I explained part of her story and despite the rest there is a reason despite my codependent bs that I will never stop loving her cause she is just a beautiful woman cut down by worse things then I ever went through -unless of course that little dark memory is true but then who knows and right now that is one thing I would not want to confirm or deny-)
But it is good that I knew and I know, because I won't use, I won't smoke, I won't drink and I won't find any other ways to numb this...trust me that is hard because this is the reason I bailed on all this, it is just too much pain since I lost my other ex and my son and my step daughter, two birds and my dog in Summer of 2012 (Losing all that in Texas sounds like a damn bad country song!).
Then in 2013 I filled that hole with my latest ex and despite it not being all her fault in a sense a lot of it in the aftermath and when things went pear shaped is my fault too.
If I had to put it into words I just want to know why I am always so abandoned by people from my mom to my dad to my exes to my friends to everyone. Yes, I am aware there is a thing as abandonment issues but it does not make the pain any less or the tears less real.
And FYI I just want my ex to be happy and sop hurting herself, I told her I'd be happier if she met another man she loved and did not pass him up, told her I'd move to another state she is planning too as if I get on disability I don't want to be here anyway and I'd get my own place and just be her friend.
So despite all of my codependent and abandonment crap I have always been trying to save the worthy ones with my issues, the ones like me, like us, the damaged and the unloved.
I wish I could smoke an 8th a month but I am a deep THC addict (I used to say even two months ago to my counselor how I just wanted pot to go back to being a weekend thing or whatever, now I know that was me fooling myself, unless I'm dying in a hospital bed and it's pain or pot I can NEVER use pot again).
The last guy, my bosses kid, would sell me a quarter of regular weed for twenty-five dollars. this would maybe last me three days if I was lucky.
From about twenty or thirty minutes after I woke up till right before (and I mean right before, like I would take like three or four rapid hits before trying to fall asleep) I would smoke and same on days I went to work, I would smoke along the way or outside my job before I opened the store and even at various times would smoke while working.
I mean I knew...I recall about a week ago my ex called and I had no pot and was on a crying binge. Then the next times she called I was high and I even pointed out to her the difference in the convo (trust me, I explained part of her story and despite the rest there is a reason despite my codependent bs that I will never stop loving her cause she is just a beautiful woman cut down by worse things then I ever went through -unless of course that little dark memory is true but then who knows and right now that is one thing I would not want to confirm or deny-)
But it is good that I knew and I know, because I won't use, I won't smoke, I won't drink and I won't find any other ways to numb this...trust me that is hard because this is the reason I bailed on all this, it is just too much pain since I lost my other ex and my son and my step daughter, two birds and my dog in Summer of 2012 (Losing all that in Texas sounds like a damn bad country song!).
Then in 2013 I filled that hole with my latest ex and despite it not being all her fault in a sense a lot of it in the aftermath and when things went pear shaped is my fault too.
If I had to put it into words I just want to know why I am always so abandoned by people from my mom to my dad to my exes to my friends to everyone. Yes, I am aware there is a thing as abandonment issues but it does not make the pain any less or the tears less real.
And FYI I just want my ex to be happy and sop hurting herself, I told her I'd be happier if she met another man she loved and did not pass him up, told her I'd move to another state she is planning too as if I get on disability I don't want to be here anyway and I'd get my own place and just be her friend.
So despite all of my codependent and abandonment crap I have always been trying to save the worthy ones with my issues, the ones like me, like us, the damaged and the unloved.
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