jakec

I just don't anymore.

I have a desire to get clean.
and
I have a desire to get high.

I can't figure out which one is stronger. I was sitting in an NA meeting today thinking "this is all bullsh*t, there is no god, you people aren't really happy". I'm so angry at myself.

And I lied in my last post, I actually only have 3 days clean, on friday I stole cold medicine from CVS and got caught(AGAIN) but I got away and took the drugs in the bathroom in an NA meeting.

I also was huffing the propelent out of a cooking spray can the other day.. how pathetic is that?

I've also snorted my wellbutrin on various days too.

So I've been completely lying to myself and others, and I ask myself "If I REALLY wanted to get clean, would I be getting high behind the scenes like I've been doing?"

Because I honestly feel like if I could use and get away with it, without anyone knowing, I would most definitely do it. I don't know if I'm ready.

Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest.

Dee74

I dunno Jake.

I wanted to get high too. For 30 years I struggled because I wanted to get high and not have my life fall apart around me.

My addiction kept telling me - just a little more, you're not ready dude, maybe this drug will work, or that way of taking it....nows not a good time to quit anyway....

it was all lies.

I finally accepted that I could have the life I wanted and be the person I wanted to be, or I could get high.

I was lucky - a lot of my friends died - they didn't make it to grow up and have that realisation.

This stuff plays for keeps Jake.

I really really hope you decide to stop playing around with this and get serious about your recovery.

D

neferkamichael

Jakec, never give up, that's all ya can do. Rootin for ya.

Carlotta

Hi Jake, I don't go to NA but I go to AA and I can assure you that I feel mostly content and balanced and so do many people in the rooms. The key is to surrender and realize that you are finished with it, it's over and to be ok with it.
Once you accept that you can never drug again, it will be easier for you.
As far as GOD is concerned, try thinking of it as Good Orderly Directions if you have problems conceptualizing a higher power.
Good Orderly Directions such as: Don't pick up the first drug no matter what, find a home group, network with people and if you are feeling edgy call them and go to a meeting etc.

So to put the first 3 steps taking the Christian GOD out of the equations:

Step 1: admit you are an addict and that your life is unmanageable (stealing cold medicine for example)
Step 2: Believe that a power greater than yourself can restore you to sanity (the people in your meetings who have some serious clean time and give you suggestions, if you follow those you won't be sniffing gasses from cans)
Step 3: Decide to turn over you will to the care of God as you understand it...turn yourself over to the good orderly directions from people who are successful not using.

Good luck

FallenAlien

That really resonated with me. I've been 4 months sober and I haven't been to one meeting because for me I cant stand listening to other peoples sob stories - which is what I mainly heard from a lot of NA meetings in the past. Also the part with people pretending to be happy, even on here I feel like most people here are just miserable and trying to find happiness. Maybe it's just my cynical perspective, I'm not sure.

But anyway if you made an account on here then the right decision is to stay sober. I wanna get high aswell, I honestly do. But I know what will happen if I do. For me I'll lose my bodybuilding progress, respect from my family and friends, my girlfriend, any chance of getting a good career, my school. And eventually I'd be using so much again that I wouldnt even be getting high anymore and id wanna quit again. Then I'd have to start back on the horrible day 1.

Being sober isnt that great yet, but being at the end of a using cycle is worse.

Bubovski

Do you really want to go as long as Dee, or even longer like me?

DecBaby

Life is tough. It's also full of beauty. I'm miserable quite a bit. But that's because I lost a lot! When I feel down on myself I remind myself I'm a much better person. Now. I have lots of guilt from when I was using. I let my bottom get really low. So when I'm feeling down I remind myself how far I've come. I have my own place that I take care of, I have food to eat, I have heat when it's cold outside, I have ac when it's hot outside. Sometimes you just need to give yourself an attitude adjustment. Easier said than done sometimes.

Jake thank you for honesty in this post. I see you're not happy with the decisions you're making. You are so young. I'm not familiar with any consequences you've had from using. But you're here telling us of your problem so I urge you to stop now. It's going to get so much worse.

ClimbHigh

Jake, the fact you were honest in your post here, and that you are struggling with your decisions says volumes about progress you've made. I also have had a hard time with the religious aspect of NA, but no one system IMO is perfect for anyone, but try and take what works for YOU. Try looking into other groups (I find smart techniques make much more sense to me personally).

There will always be battles, and unfortunately our addictions will always be right behind us. Life is never easy for long, but getting through tough times sober, makes it that much sweeter on the other side.

Try and hang in there, and don't be too hard on yourself, you are doing the right thing by being honest with yourself and others.
It's worth it, and the longer you keep at it the more that will seem believeable.

CH

bigsombrero

Yep, yep. And yep.

It bugs me when I hear someone say "I live in Seattle and I'm hiking in the hills and my wife is working in the garden and I'm making fresh caught salmon for dinner ooo-lala it's great".

Thing is, I don't have a wife and a garden. I have a hotel room at O'Hare International. And I have mounting bills and not much work. The only conversations I've had today are with vendors and it's all been small talk. I'm not struggling with drinking, nor do I want to (over a year sober) but by God sometimes I wonder when that magical reward comes - I often want to scream: when do I get my PAYCHECK for BEING SOBER???

But, like you also said, it's better than being drunk and being in this position. I'm a better man today than I was a year ago. That's at least something. And I think we have to remember that good days and bad days are part of life for everyone, not just us drunks and addicts.

Good luck Jake, do what you can. Stay clean. It might not be all roses and unicorns and naked ladies on this side of the fence, but it's much better than being in a bathroom huffing cooking spray. I can attest to that.

Dee74

I'm genuinely happy LOL...but I worked to get here

Sobriety didn't solve any of my problems - it actually made several things worse for a while...but what it did do was give me a level playing field to work from.

I always say getting sober was like being washed up on the beach after a shipwreck - you're alive but only just - and you have a lot of debris and driftwood to sort through before you can make yourself comfortable.

It takes time...and effort...it's a long game and it runs counter to the instant gratification we're used to as addicts....

but true happiness *is* attainable - I really don't believe too many people would still be here in recovery if that wasn't true.

D

finaltime

Right before I read this post I was walking and thinking, I am not ready to quit drinking. Drinking isn't my DOC and I like to drink. I was fake too for way too long, and I am still on the fence of F it, I can' drink, then next moment if I allowed myself one bottle of wine wouldn't be enough, or I would have two then call my coke dealer. My issue is nothing is ever enough. NOTHING. I am proud of you for being honest. SUPER PROUD. THat is also a sign you want to stop this crap and you feel guilty for doing what you did. I have also had my share of getting high of cough medicine, shoot for some time I was drinking two bottles of wine and having two bottles of cough medicine. My first stop home from work would be to buy two bottles of both. GROSS>

All you can do is try man. Really. You are super young. You obviously wanted to quit for a reason? That is something I have to keep telling myself, if I could drink socially then why do I keep thinking its a problem? Is stealing and using medicine in the bathroom a problem? HUGE. I think maybe your AV voice is still super strong, and when it was awake you acted on it, then used, then felt guilty...we all have been there.

Don't be like me 35 and been struggling for almost 15 years.......now I look back and think how I was 15 and left my strong group of good friends for a group that liked to get high. That is when my AV voice woke up. The only way to make the voice go away is to stop using.

DecBaby

I agree with Dees shipwrecked statement. When you get sober it's like being left with nothing and that now what feeling. It may take a lot of work trying to survive on the island but it's better than slowly drowning in the ocean.

TiredEnough

Jake, your post structure tells me you are an intelligent guy. Dude, you have the gift if youth on your side right now but it won't last forever. Kick this thing NOW so its just a memory of youthful indulgence, not the struggle of your 20s and 30s.

At your age, the world sometimes seems pretty screwed up even in good circumstances. All that stuff settles on its own but as one person here said, addiction plays for keeps. It will thump you eventually if you don't deal with it now. Regardless of what problems you have, this needs to take priority (and fast).

mfanch

I had this for a long time.

BUT when I was ready to be sober and do anything to get that way, I knew it. KNEW it.

fancyfee

I keep reading this thread over and over again. I can see it through the eyes of 3 different people- the 17yo me who was a mess, the parent in me who wants to grab you up and throw you in inpatient therapy, and the 32yo me recovering addict who wishes I would have had someone or some place like this to realize how I could recover or stop the cycle.

I hope that made sense. Sometimes I wonder about the permanent damage I did to my brain at your young age by putting so many toxins in my body. At your age I was doing ecstasy every weekend and snorting cocaine. Somehow I made it to college but pretty much flunked out. Then I became a real junkie. Doing things no young person should ever do. I don't like to think about that time. Watching my best friend almost die, having someone bang on the door of the vacant apartment I was sleeping in telling me my ex had been shot and killed by a drug dealer.

FallenAlien questioned our happiness. Maybe some of us never gave our brains enough time to figure out what true happiness is? When I think about being happy, I think about me as a child riding my bike and being carefree. Now I'm happy watching my own children do that. Happiness is subjective.

I hope you get help. At your age many underlying psychological conditions start to come out. Obviously you are being treated if you have wellbutrin. How about telling your doctor the truth and maybe trying something different. Many people here care about you, but you have to care about yourself first. Hugs and I wish you the best!

Threshold

The psychology at 17 is vastly different that it is at 30 or 40 or 50. As it should be, 17 yr olds have different challenges. But I think it makes getting and staying clean difficult in different ways that it does at 30, 40 or 50.

I would feel the same way about the losers in NA. (I am one). Like what is wrong with those people? They are pathetic, wasted their life away and are now sitting here struggling just to get by, what's their hope of happiness?

And at 17 NO ONE wants to be a middle aged "I got nothing but my HP but that's more than enough!"...because we have plans, and ideals and disgust about people that age with that mindset. We are rebels, and doers, and wise, we have energy and vision, we are jaded but also pretty sure that we are immortal...we can afford to flirt with death, and dance on the edge of a cliff.

I'm still pretty much 17 in my mind (everyone who knows me will back this up) and that is how I often feel at meetings...get a LIFE people! Damn.

All I can say is get clean and stay clean so that you do have all the chances you deserve to take on the world, have deep thoughts, create a life that actually IS worth living, etc. Or you WILL be one of those pathetic losers.

Find a way to have a natural high so you don't have to invent some imaginary friend and paste daisies to your forehead when you are 49.

It sucks, because it seems that in our teen years we should get a free pass to experiment, flirt with death, be morbidly depressed, get higher than a kite and take on the world...isn't that our RIGHT? But...some of us don't have that. Our free pass turns into an addictive prison, and for us, freedom is setting that part of our teen years of experimentation and rebellion aside as "fail" and putting our energy towards other pursuits. They can still be fun, cool pursuits, but they will have to be different pursuits.

Find out if your community has drug abuse groups for teens, because I think that the issues and challenges are different in some ways, and that a group of peers as opposed to people who feel like boring messed up parents can make a lot of difference.

Truth is, if you get clean now, you can avoid all the messed up pathetic crap, so it is totally worth doing. You can save yourself decades of wasted misery. Even if it means sticking with NA and doing the steps etc (there really are good options for an HP) in order to do it, you have the chance to never be one of us. I envy that. I hope you take it.