chicory

(((Jay))) glad you went! proud you are taking care of yourself, and trusting enough to go . hugs.

((tb))) awesome place, handsome man you are! your place looks so homey and warm. and the food, wow, you made me hungry. i had a jtm burger, and a mett. with some box macaroni. but it was fine. my watermelon tasted like Murphys Oil Soap, for some reason. i was looking forward to that watermelon...

(((tod))) honey, you are sure a strong woman. hopefully you will be strong in the future and never have to do this again. heaven knows you are smart and strong enough. guess that does not have much to do with it,huh? guess you have to never want to do it again. hugs honey. thanks for sharing. it is really frightening, what you have been through, the not being able to get out of bed. heck, that would cure me for sure. and ((Tb))not being able to get out of chair, for 8 hours? good heavens, that had to be one scary time.

(((Leninakanina)))you crack me up. yes, it is hotter than a hot thing here too. and i am going on a diet soon too, and i hope to have some really good potato salad before then, too.
my mom made THE best macaroni salad when i was a kid. i cant do it, but she used green pepper, macaroni, and not much else. mayo, sugar, salt, not much else. she sure could cook.
i wanna make a blueberry pie. scratch. it is soooo awesome. nothing like the storebought ones. they stink. i also love buttermilk pie. anyone tried it?

love you all. thanks for making my days brighter. i learn a lot here. i have way too much yet to learn. i want so badly to get this codependent relationship with my son fixed, before we both forget what life is supposed to be like.

love, and sweet dreams. i see you (((cangel2))) <3

nightey night

Impurrfect

((TB)) - My old RV was 32 feet long. We had really good friends we met camping and went on trips together or just stayed at the lake. One had a super nice 5th wheel, one had a pull-behind camper, another had a really nice Winnebago (damn, that thing has some storage space!!!) so I had my likes/dislikes on all of them but really wish I had any of the above right now.

We had some severe thunderstorms, I thought fireworks was cancelled. It blew through, though, T1 called and said it was clear at her house, come on down. I have to say, I had THE best time I've had in a while.

Got to meet her 3 daughters (in their 20's), SIL and the kids she babysits during the week, including little N who is 3 and melted my heart. Exh came with his daughter (T's daughter's half sister who they love dearly), and the mom of the kids she babysits - they are an Army family and I don't think their dad is out of the country but he's not home, so I'll have to find out more.

Out of the 20 or so people, there was NO drinking, NO smoking, NO nothing other than munchies, sodas and a ton of laughter and communication. Oh yeah..T's dog and her 2 granddoggies.

When T was taking me back to my car (on the golf cart) she told me she just knew I would fit in with her family, that she wouldn't have to worry about introducing me or entertaining me. She meant it as a complement, and I took it that way. She was busy, no doubt, but I was helping and if someone came in that I didn't know, I just said "Hi, I'm Amy", and from then on out, we had a blast.

I cannot tell you how awesome it was. There was a guy who plays bagpipes, every year, and wears a kilt. Well, little miss 12-year-old half-sister (I think that's how old she is) informed us that someone came to her school from Scotland and he told her they do NOT wear underwear under those kilts! The things you learn from kids.

The 3-year-old loves to take pics with Iphones, and I'm in like 50 of them. We also had a discussion on how doggies go to heaven when they are sick (their dog recently had to be put down) but they have no more pain, they play and they are happy. I mentioned Rainbow Bridge and one of T's daughters just grinned.

I am getting my hair cut in a little over 9 hours, and I can't believe how one night has made such a difference. Grumpies are gone. My bratlette is getting married, I am clean and sober and get to be there for her, and life is good again.

Soooo, remind me - when I get to where you all want to smack me because I'm so irritable? Kick my a$$ and tell me to do something fun - horseback riding, see if I can visit T, whatever. Now that I know the kids she babysits, and their mom, I'm going to see if maybe we can get together some days and babysit/do school work at the same time. Our personalities are SO much alike.

Oh yeah - ya know how to entertain 3 dogs and a 3-year old? Blow bubbles in front of a fan - I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. The German Shepard puppy was jumping all OVER popping the bubbles, the 3-year-old was squealing in joy.

VERY grateful for recovery tonight, as well as all of you who helped me get here

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

cangel2

((Chicory)) Ok....I am not being anti-social....I just really don't have much going on at the moment and have fallen into an introspective mood; in a good way.

I too learn so much here! What I am also learning that the more I learn the more I know I have to learn. I guess that is really one of the best things about life.....you just aren't done until you are done. At least the way I look at it.

I decided to get a jump on things in a big way with my weight and eating habits about two weeks ago. Combining that with my dance classes I think I have actually lost a few lbs. (I don't own a scale so....guessing based on my clothes). On the way out the door to a BBQ this afternoon I had to back in a grab a belt for my pants.....that's a good sign! I am using the book/site I recommended a few weeks ago (eating free). I just love the guy who wrote it - I worked with him in person a few years ago so I know him which helps. He is so positive and he LOVES food. I have a ways to go so those of us tackling this we should encourage each other!!!

So tomorrow morning will be up early again to watch the Tour de France and then I am going to jump on my bike for a couple of hours. Should have a lot of empty roads I am hoping with people recovering from their 4th I did my normal ride in record time (for me) on Tuesday and just have this crazy thought that I might be able to do it faster........

(((TOD))) Great on 24hrs down (little more by now)!! Good to see from your posts that your sense of humor is still intact and you are looking forward to this being done!! Hugs to you from me.

((TB)) Just love your pics. I don't think anything looked messy - looked like a home well lived in! Which in my mind means it is comfy. I really think your neighbor needs a shirt......lol.

((Jay)) Hope the appt went ok for you today. She got you to go because...she is good at what she does! Also...it is very clear that she cares about how you are doing a great deal. A couple of weeks ago at my therapist I was referring to something and to put it in context told my therapist - "that was before I met you and you saved my life". She did - she guided me to a place where I could finally set aside some very deep pain from my childhood at a time when I Needed to do that. It was unintentional but I made her cry!! Turn about is fair play....really took me by surprise. Keep going - it is messy work but worth it!!

I can hear them starting up the fireworks (shooting off something); going to see if some of them just might pop over the top of the clouds!

Night everyone!!!

cangel2

(((Amy))) Whoo Hoo!!!! I am so happy you had a great time - you sound great!!

Oh....the kilt thing....totally true! Just in case you were wondering......though I do know some of my family break the rules and throw on some boxers.....

Tiredofdrugs

Chickory: Drugs/alcohol can do some weird/strange things to a person's mind and body. You stopped smoking so you can kind of get the jest of having to do without. I wouldn't call myself strong, more like determined to get off this shiit again. It does take strength in oneself to NOT pick up again though. The first week or first four days are always the roughest. Very little sleep, dragging from fatigue, no energy and it makes for a long four days. There's really nothing I can take to help me sleep a full 8 hours. I might get a few snippets here and there and maybe an hour here and there. It's just part of my body saying something isn't right and why aren't we in a deep sleep from the opiates? So I just have to keep telling my body, not this time, get over it. Okay, I've said enough about all of these w/d's.

Amy: Well it's about time you had some fun. Finally you got out of that dreary house with some fun people. And what a great thing about not smoking, no drinking, etc. I knew you wouldn't have any problem there. Just look at all the posts on here? LOL I hope the itchy bug to do more fun has crawled into your brain.

Cangle: Thanks for the good thoughts.

Love ya'll
TOD

BTW: Some idiot started shooting fireworks real close to us. Jethro went out to see if he could see who was doing it. They didn't shoot but a few. I guess they got smart.

Impurrfect

((cangel)) - I can't WAIT to tell my friend her stepdaughter is right about what they wear under the kilts!!

I joined WW online, but really haven't checked it out yet. With all that's been going on, lately, I've barely held onto my sanity and I was NOT about to worry about food. Now, though? I think I can take it on

Got a wedding in MN in Sept., and I would like to wear something SMALL and classy. I did wear a size 7 in my crackhead days, but I have no desire to do anything unhealthy just to get small. We used to call it the "Jenny Crack Diet" and that is NOT an option.

I just want to focus on being healthy...mind and body.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Tiredofdrugs

Somewhere someday back! I got a group of pictures in an email. One of them showed what was under their kilts. NOTHING!!!!!!!!!! LOL

TOD

cangel2

......Fireworks are a bust but a couple of small tremblers here today.....I missed the main event but just felt one of the after shocks. At least something to go with the "booms".

Amy.....you ever watch the movie Braveheart??

Now truly going to jump in the tub and then to bed.......

Impurrfect

My friend, T, is going to HOWL laughing when I tell her they really don't wear stuff under those kilts Even sm knew this? Okay, my background is Norwegian, not Scottish, I was ignorant!

((TOD)) - I think you have a point. The itchy bug to do more fun stuff has struck. The people who know me best (including T) are supportive and encouraging me to get out of the funk I've been in (which obviously includes all of you, too).

In all honesty, I'd forgotten what it was like to have a good time. This is not good. I have supportive friends, like all of you, like several classmates. I just have to get over the "you deserve what you get" mentality. I thought I WAS past that, but I seem to have taken some steps backwards.

I absolutely give all of you permission to smack me upside the head, to remind me that I've "done my time" and I do deserve good things as long as i keep working recovery.

Wow, over 5 years in recovery, and I can still beat myself up for what I did

Love you all!!!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Tiredofdrugs

When you live in a funk 24/7 it's hard to think about doing some fun or positive thing. Then you throw in school on top of that! Do I need to say more?

I'm forcing myself to eat some cereal. No apetite whatsoever, but I feel like I'm getting weaker and weaker and I know that isn't going to help me feel better. Jethro said he'd run out to a fast food place and get me something. I told him no thanks. I'd do good to eat some cereal. He gave me a concerned look. But I'm EATING!

I sure wish I could find that picture for ya. But there's no telling where it's at!

Love ya
TOD

Impurrfect

((cangel)) - No, I've never watched Braveheart, but will see if I can get it on Netflix.

((TOD)) - thanks sweetie. I HATE when I'm in a funk, but I just don't seem to know how to get out of it, most of the time. I have you, the rest of the henhousers, Tess, mom-Kay, aunt Phyllis who all have suggestions, but I swear...I feel like I'm wearing concrete shoes

Tonight? It gave me hope. It reminded me of the happy-go-lucky person I normally am. When I get back from the wedding, I'm going to apply for more volunteer jobs and going full steam ahead on paying jobs. I simply canNOT stay in this house 24/7. I've worked since I was 16, and hanging around and doing nothing but homework? That's just driving me further into my funk.

Tonight, after going to T's and talking to her, I feel that I am being enlightened. I don't know the answer, I don't know the "right job" but I know that I am at the point where DAMMIT, I need to do better for myself and yes, I DO deserve it. Tess told me she saw the "fiesty" in me, and I think that is what I need.

I can whine, all day about who I messed up, how I have to deal with it, or I can grow a backbone and convince someone why they would benefit having an employee like me.

It's hard, my mind goes back and forth, but in all honesty? I'm damned sick and tired of beating myself up. I've busted my a$$ to get my life back on track and an employer would benefit by hiring me. In all honesty, though...I may need reminders of this.

I love you all, I would not be where I am without all of you. If I ever get the "real job" with benefits and appreciation for what I know? Ooooooh, we are having one helluva hh party just like the one I went to tonight....not "substances" just nature and cool stuff.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy

KickingMyself

I'd like to introduce myself. I'm an RN, married with 4 children. I'm also an addict. My biological father is bipolar with drug/alcohol issues. I have similar personality issues. From age 12 until 18 I was heavily medicated with psych drugs. All they made me do was eat and sleep. High school was not fun for me. I gained a lot of weight during the first two years. Then when I was 16 I finally did something stupid enough to get locked up for the next two years. Oddly enough being in a mental institution was like my favorite time. I felt like I was home and people could relate to me. I was a sexually abused child and neglected quite a bit by my mother. I turned into a highly promiscuous, surly, suicidal teenager.

I got out when I was 18 and unfortunately instead of really sitting down with my mom and telling her everything I felt, I just internalized it. I married the first guy who asked me and he was a good man. Unfortunately, I'm not a good person. I began doing the same sorts of things. Basically, infidelity, lying, cycling through completely un-medicated highs and lows. He stood by me anyway (told you he was a good guy). Fortunately for him I knew that I wasn't at a stage in my life where I felt I could change. We got divorced and share custody of our daughter.

I met a new guy shortly thereafter and have done better than the 5 years with my ex. We have 3 children together and have been married for a little over 6 years.

So I've never had addiction issues other than what I would deem an addiction to get into trouble by whatever means necessary. But I see now the potential has always been there. I've allowed my whole life to be one sick pursuit of affection and/or feeling good. People love me, I'm the life of the party, and they would never guess how utterly useless I feel. I am hollow.

So after all the kids my plumbing was subpar. Basically everything inside me had shifted down about 2 levels. I just sorta dealt with it and cruised along. But then 3 months ago I finally saw a doctor about it and he prescribed me perc 10/325's. It was
all downhill from there. I started by halving the tablets. You know the story. Taking them
at first to feel better, then taking more just to get high. Anyway, after my surgery 12 days ago I realized how very little attention I've shown my family in months. It was like something just snapped inside me. So when I felt ok 5 days ago (it really was major surgery I was out for 5hrs) I just quit the perc's CT. Basically, that didn't work out so well. I made it 4 days and the leg cramps got me. I took half a perc. I felt so bad for caving. The rest of this day has gone ok. I've decided CT isn't going to cut it. I'm going to wean. I have almost a full bottle of 50. But I dont want to use hardly any of them. Tonight the leg cramps didn't come back until midnight. I took another half a perc. I tried taking just a quarter of a perc but the cramps continued. So I made it 12 hours. I felt so defeated earlier. I think should have tried to taper initially. I'm so stubborn I just wouldn't give in until my poor husband thought I was dying (felt like it, too I'm melodramatic). But I will bear this and I really hope those of you who made it this far (& trust me I omitted a lot) can be my new friends. I'm so tired of pretending that I dont have a problem. I most definitely do.

I'm Lola and I will not be defeated by a stupid bottle of pills.

Impurrfect

(((Lola))) - Welcome to the henhouse!! I was an RN, I let my license go due to my addiction. I don't have the family history you do, but I think you get it...we are taught "got an ill? take a pill" and for those of us who have issues that make us want to not deal with stuff, that's just not a good thing.

I was a codependent..three XABF's (ex addict bf's) and turned to drugs to numb out. My license lapsed in 2006, I am soon to graduate with a degree in health information technology, but I have many bad references from when I was a nurse.

That being said, this thread and the people here have been my saving grace. Those of us here come from all walks of life...some are A's, RA"s, some are loved ones of A's. I can honestly say that if it weren't for this thread? There is no way in hell I'd have over 5 years in recovery.

We may get fiesty at times, we may get grumpy (that would be ME lately) but in all honesty? We have a bond, we care about each other enough that we are willing to say some things that may sting. I know that there are many things that stung like hell, at the time, but later? Gee, it's exactly what I needed to hear.

Make yourself comfy, read through the thread and make yourself at home. Oh, and if you have any pets? All the better We have cats, dogs, chickens, etc. Part of our recovery is talking about stuff that seems not to have anything to do with recovery. We talk about jobs, pets, weather, family, etc.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

KickingMyself

I am the proud mama of 3 cats Sofi, Loki, and Sirius Blue. A dog named Dingo and two southern painted turtles, Corona and Sol. There are a couple fish in the tank, mostly albino corys but they honestly dont have any names. Oh, and one tetra that has managed to elude the turtles for about 2 years now. We had 7 tetras originally. Now he/or she is the lone tetra.

I'm laying here really hoping I can sleep tonight and knowing that I probably won't. Thank god I'm out on medical leave for the next several weeks.

Thanks for the welcome!

Tiredofdrugs

HA! We now have another nurse and a Lenina and Lola! Oh Boy! That's a tongue twister.

Welcome! Welcome! You and I are making this journey together, starting out! I'm on day one of getting off the meds for the umpteenth time. Argh!! I have high hopes to have the back procedure called "mild" done in the near future and it help STOP this back pain. This is what keeps me going back to the meds. I'm so tired of them. And I damn sure hate going thru this detox shiit!

I'm the true Hen House momma on here! My Avatar is some of the little darlings we have. Three cats have their own room and two dogs outside.

TOD

Lenina

welcome ((((Lola))) to the House of Hens and Roosters!

((((Amy))) So glad you had a great time! We did too! great food, great company good music! fabulous fireworks from a panorama view! LA represented for the USA today!

I ate so much I could just Beach myself like a big ole whale. I'll have to call Hubs Ahab. LOL Everyone brought food and music. I was glad I brought a sweater because it got chilly! (((chicory))) Maybe you and I can go on the diet together. I have only one righteous vice left and I guess that's food. LOL

(((Cangel))) we could see the fog/marine layer/overcast roll in but were up high enough to still see all the fireworks! best show Ilve seen in years, really. we partied like it was 2012! I think Prince missed it by a few years, or maybe he couldn't rhyme with 12.

I think being out did me some good too. It still feels like work to me but I was able to sit quietly and just observe. made some plans for future dinners and we have a club date. I have exactly ONE decent outfit to tide me over until I lose some weight but I think I can mix it up with sweaters, scarves and shoes enough to pass. LOL

((((t-Buster))) Thanks for sharing the pics! You know, I got a great TV at the Salvation Army for $35. it probably weighs more than a refrigerator but it's got a great picture and stereo sound. I had to hire two men to get into the house but it's been a good deal.

(((TOD))) I hope your feeling better. Just keep telling yourself this is the last time. never again will you have to feel like this. I guess mitigating the symptoms is all to be done?

(((JayBird))) I hope you are feeling better too. Did yu get to see Kirby Kitten or see some fireworks? Eat a hot dog? I ate one and I think it's giving me some serious heart burn. Oy.

OK. I, going to read in a bit. I was planning to go back to help our friend clean up but she says at least three people were staying the night and pressed into cleanup crew! Her husband is on the road until mid-August! gak!

Nighty night my feathered friends!

Much love from Lenina Kachina

Tiredofdrugs

KM: So I'm guessing you are having some sleepless nights too? I guess my nights and days will be screwed for awhile. I've been a nightowl for months now. So trying to get myself regulated back to daytime hours is going to be a rough one anyway. But my Hubby, Jethro has gone back to work as of a few months ago and he wants me on his hours. I hate the hot summers/sun. I've had several skin cancers removed and try to avoid the daytime. Night time I don't have that worry about. It's usually cooler and lots of cool shows on TV to watch too.

I think I screwed up on the time I've not taken any opiates. I took my last one at 4:30 am Tuesday morning. I slept all day and got up at 5:30 pm. So basically I slept the first part of doing w/o away. So Thursday morning, (this morning) will be day two. So I actually have more time off of them than I had originally thought. I was going by the time I got up Tuesday afternoon and didn't have any to take. Oh well! Ya'll got the picture of where I'm at.

I've been trying to do short bursts of stuff to try and keep moving around a little at a time. I guess eating some cereal helped me feel a little better. Drinking water instead of coke, but not a lot. I don't want to be making a lot of tinkle trips after I've gone to sleep. Hopefully, sleep that is!

I went to tell Jethro good night after his shower. He was a little upset with me because I wasn't coming straight to bed. Ummmmmmmmmm You just really don't understand what I'm going thru do you dear? I just politely explained it as best I could and told him things will be better in a couple of weeks, if not before that. I could tell he wasn't happy about it, but he didn't say anything.

Love ya'll
TOD

Lenina

Oh yeah, I forgot about the kilt thing. I believe it's called going "regimental" and if you ask, they have to show you. I got hooked into this once at a hotel. a bunch of Scots were staying there because of a football game. They were in the lobby and I was led to believe I should ask about their regiments. I didn't know it meant no drawers! As in bare bottomed! It does and they do! I'm just such a fish sometimes!

Love to you all!

Lenina

Tiredofdrugs

Well Amy! How much more proof do you need? Okay I just came in from watering and I'm doing a quiet little HOWL of my own. Lenina I swear! You get hooked into so many things don't you? LOL Snakes in cans and mens naked bottoms.

I'm glad you had a great time. And thank goodness there were places out there that set off fireworks to celebrate and not be afraid of starting fires.

Love ya
TOD

Lenina

((((chicory))) I would love to have that buttermilk pie recipe, if you can jot it down for me! sounds yum yum.

(((TOD)) Yeah, I get reeled in pretty easily and that's OK. It entertains others and makes me laugh. If I couldn't laugh at myself, Id be in bad shape. and they'd be no stories to tell. I can say I never did get conned into a snipe hunt. that just didn't seem right. those poor little creatures being hunted down for profit. surely PETA is against it.

But I can dish it out just as easy as I can get reeled in. Looking gormless has its advantages...and blondes have more fun anyway, right?

love from Lenina