I'd like to introduce myself. I'm an RN, married with 4 children. I'm also an addict.
My biological father is bipolar with drug/alcohol issues. I have similar personality issues. From age 12 until 18 I was heavily medicated with psych drugs. All they made me do was eat and sleep. High school was not fun for me. I gained a lot of weight during the first two years. Then when I was 16 I finally did something stupid enough to get locked up for the next two years. Oddly enough being in a mental institution was like my favorite time. I felt like I was home and people could relate to me. I was a sexually abused child and neglected quite a bit by my mother. I turned into a highly promiscuous, surly, suicidal teenager.
I got out when I was 18 and unfortunately instead of really sitting down with my mom and telling her everything I felt, I just internalized it. I married the first guy who asked me and he was a good man. Unfortunately, I'm not a good person.
I began doing the same sorts of things. Basically, infidelity, lying, cycling through completely un-medicated highs and lows. He stood by me anyway (told you he was a good guy). Fortunately for him I knew that I wasn't at a stage in my life where I felt I could change. We got divorced and share custody of our daughter.
I met a new guy shortly thereafter and have done better than the 5 years with my ex. We have 3 children together and have been married for a little over 6 years.
So I've never had addiction issues other than what I would deem an addiction to get into trouble by whatever means necessary. But I see now the potential has always been there. I've allowed my whole life to be one sick pursuit of affection and/or feeling good. People love me, I'm the life of the party, and they would never guess how utterly useless I feel. I am hollow.
So after all the kids my plumbing was subpar. Basically everything inside me had shifted down about 2 levels. I just sorta dealt with it and cruised along. But then 3 months ago I finally saw a doctor about it and he prescribed me perc 10/325's. It was
all downhill from there. I started by halving the tablets. You know the story. Taking them
at first to feel better, then taking more just to get high. Anyway, after my surgery 12 days ago I realized how very little attention I've shown my family in months. It was like something just snapped inside me. So when I felt ok 5 days ago (it really was major surgery I was out for 5hrs) I just quit the perc's CT. Basically, that didn't work out so well. I made it 4 days and the leg cramps got me. I took half a perc. I felt so bad for caving. The rest of this day has gone ok. I've decided CT isn't going to cut it. I'm going to wean. I have almost a full bottle of 50. But I dont want to use hardly any of them. Tonight the leg cramps didn't come back until midnight. I took another half a perc. I tried taking just a quarter of a perc but the cramps continued. So I made it 12 hours. I felt so defeated earlier. I think should have tried to taper initially. I'm so stubborn I just wouldn't give in until my poor husband thought I was dying (felt like it, too I'm melodramatic). But I will bear this and I really hope those of you who made it this far (& trust me I omitted a lot) can be my new friends. I'm so tired of pretending that I dont have a problem. I most definitely do.
I'm Lola and I will not be defeated by a stupid bottle of pills.