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I Want to be Adored

Old 01-10-2015, 01:37 AM
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I Want to be Adored

My 8 year non-drinking spouse (I hesitate to use the word "sober") and I are going through a tremendously difficult time, with a break-up seeming imminent. In the first ten years of our relationship, she adored me, sung my praises to her girlfriends and loved everything about me. In the past four years, that has changed, considerably. Now, everything I do seems to infuriate her and I'm growing angry and resentful, though trying to deal with that positively.

I realize I have a strong desire to be adored and, on occasion, comforted, neither of which I've felt from her in years.

Is it wrong, unhealthy or unrealistic to want to be adored? It really seems to be a deep desire tracing back to my charismatic, successful but demanding father, to whom I feel I never measured up (until his later years, when he became very accepting and proud of me). I'm trying to work through these family of origin issues and wondering about the healthiness/destructiveness of this deep desire.

Thoughts?
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Old 01-10-2015, 02:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Todzilla View Post
Is it wrong, unhealthy or unrealistic to want to be adored?
It is not wrong by itself, but it can be in the way you go about it. I used to be excessively needy, clingy, and demanding of attention. That drove everyone away, and with time I could see why. My girlfriends were not there to be my mother. I need to become my own self-actualized, individuated person. I am not saying this is your case, but it was for me. I smothered with attention, and drove away with needs.
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Old 01-10-2015, 08:21 AM
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Yes I agree with jazzfish that to want your spouse to adore you isn't wrong by itself, but can be in the way you go about it. I was just wondering to what extent would your spouse need to go to prove that to you? The way you explained it here, I see your spouse showing the opposite. I've noticed a little bit of attention can go a long way in fulfilling that desire in myself and my spouse. Because I think most of us have that desire at least in part...to be highly respected and admired by our spouse. That to me is not unhealthy.
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Old 01-10-2015, 09:36 AM
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I dont think its wrong to want your spouse to adore you, I think to me the term would mean to have the person show they like and love me for who I am, even though I have quirks, faults, or weaknesses. To show me respect, value my thoughts, feelings, opinions, and of course to comfort me at times, lend me courage, strength, hope when those things are feeling depleted in me. I also agree with the others, its something too in how we relate to each other, and learn how to gently ask for what we need if its not being given. I think it takes work in the area of communication.

On our book thread, another member added this and Ive been thinking about what it means too. We need to know ourselves, and have a good understanding of our own needs in order to express these to our spouse. If we have irrational needs, something coming from our past then we can at least understand ourselves better, work on it, and realize our spouse might not be able to fill the hole completely.

Originally Posted by allforcnm View Post
I wanted to share something here... its not from the Beyond Addiction book, but I picked it up over at Smart Recovery a while back. Since we are in the phase of the book discussing taking care of ourselves... I thought it would fit in good here.. the topic is on learning how to form a healthy Interdependence in our relationships...

While expressing our love and affection are positive acts, it is important to make sure that you are reaching out to others with sincere affection instead of the need to fill up the emptiness inside of you. Looking to others to fill the void within us can leave them feeling drained. It also prevents you from paying attention to the emptiness you are feeling and seeing how you can fulfill yourself. Try to give of your love without an agenda or any strings attached. Others will be grateful to you today for loving them in conscious ways.

Taking care of our emotional needs allows us to form healthy, interdependent relationships. The people in our lives are there as companions on our journey and have their own purposes to fulfill. They are not here to keep us constantly entertained or meet our every emotional need. When we can relate to people in a way that our relationships add to our already full lives instead of becoming the center of our focus, we create interdependence instead of dependence. Instead of looking to others to meet the needs that we should be filling for ourselves, or expecting our loved ones to harbor us from any uncomfortable feelings, we can benefit from nurturing ourselves. Take care of your needs today, and you'll know that the tokens of affection you give to others won't come with any strings attached.

When we make an effort to know ourselves, we are better able to communicate with others on a deeper level. When we develop our relationship with ourselves, we invest in our most important relationship. We become aware of our deepest needs and desires, and we can act with confidence and purpose in our relationships because we know who we are and what we want. This intimacy with ourselves and others allows for clear and honest communication and creates richer relationships. Know who you are and honestly express yourself when communicating with the people in your life today, and all your exchanges will be meaningful and authentic.
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Old 01-11-2015, 03:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Todzilla View Post
My 8 year non-drinking spouse (I hesitate to use the word "sober") and I are going through a tremendously difficult time, with a break-up seeming imminent. In the first ten years of our relationship, she adored me, sung my praises to her girlfriends and loved everything about me. In the past four years, that has changed, considerably. Now, everything I do seems to infuriate her and I'm growing angry and resentful, though trying to deal with that positively.

I realize I have a strong desire to be adored and, on occasion, comforted, neither of which I've felt from her in years.

Is it wrong, unhealthy or unrealistic to want to be adored? It really seems to be a deep desire tracing back to my charismatic, successful but demanding father, to whom I feel I never measured up (until his later years, when he became very accepting and proud of me). I'm trying to work through these family of origin issues and wondering about the healthiness/destructiveness of this deep desire.

Thoughts?
I don't really know your situation so this might be a hit or miss to address you on your concern.

If my husband wanted to be adored I guess I would personally feel kind of turned off by it. To be loved and respected, of course, but adored to me seems a bit over the top. Of course, we may have different definitions of what adored means to us. Would you be adoring her also? I guess adoration feels one sided to me.

I watch Dr. Phil and I like what he said one time. He said one should wake up every morning and think "What can I do today to make my partner's day better?" Then do it. Things could be too far gone for that but it would be worth a try. Maybe the way to get what you want is to give it first.

Like I said, I could be totally off here. Just thought I would throw it out there for consideration.

Good luck, Kari
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Old 01-12-2015, 10:20 AM
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My husband, when he was drinking heavily, would always tell me he wanted me to adore him. LOL so I think my definition is going to be different than yours! My husband also has a demanding, abusive father that he could never live up to, and as a result I can never give him enough praise or attention.

I think it's healthy to want to be respected, loved, and made to feel that your contributions are appreciated. To me, the idea of adoration makes me think of worship, and I'm sure that's not really what you meant.

I like to feel loved, like I'm special to someone, that without me, life would be just a bit duller and harder. And I think that's normal. It means that you are special to someone else, and we all want that. And when we live with an alcoholic, whether they are active or, like in your case, not active but acting like an active, it's extremely hard to have any emotional needs met.
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Old 01-25-2015, 04:04 AM
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I get this, I think
I also want to be adored, from time to time, I need a positive emotional response from hubby but whenever I ask for it, it backfires, he goes back into his shell & I resent lots of things about that.

I know in order to be whole I must sit with my uncomfortable emotions and allow them to come and go without acting (AV)
When I am having unfulfilled needs I realise that I can only change myself and my thinking to come to terms with those feelings which pass by unnoticed without action.

Thanks for being here SR

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
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Old 01-27-2015, 08:31 PM
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Do you adore your wife? Maybe if you begin to treat her the way you would like to be treated, you will see a change in her.
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Old 01-27-2015, 08:38 PM
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Hey Tod, my first instinct is to say back off a little bit. Don't smother her, but you don't have to accept unwarranted criticism or general nastiness from her either. We all respect someone who stands up for themselves when necessary and you shouldn't have to creep around on egg shells for no reason.
Make a plan to do constructive things for yourself, or the household, like a renovation or something positive, and just get on with it.
Hope this is on target. Without knowing the dynamics between you and your wife, it's hard to be specific.
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Old 01-27-2015, 09:15 PM
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From what you write, it seems you are, and have been for some time, at the bottom of your relationship, dealing with "infuriation" as staus quo and now have some unknown number of rungs to get to the lowest level of stasis and equalibrium in a relationship: mutual respect.
I'm saying that adoration is quite possibly an unfair expectation to place on any one person for longer than a few brilliant moments of insight, humor, etc., now and then.
My advice is dont get hung up on adoration. Strive for mutual respect and mutual interest and then maybe some lovin might break out instead of the war you write about.
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