Pekelover2

Below is a text message from a friend. She’s not my best friend. She’s a pretty good friend. (Names are changed for obvious reasons. “Billy” and “Joey” are her sons. “Doug” is her husband). I had texted her asking how her kids’ first days at school went. And I also asked her to remind me what her youngest son’s teachers name was. This was the response that I got:

“They are going well! Yesterday was a good day and I was fired from photography for Sam Smith!!!! YAY!!!!!!! and Doug and I found out that an insulation job we bid (and got) they are going to go with a company that does that all the time so again, YAY!!! Never thought I would be so happy to be fired, let alone twice in one day! But it felt amazing! Both times! Billy has Mrs Smith. 🙂 Joey is playing #4 singles so he does start playing about 5-10 minutes before 4. He lost both days but did better today and it was fun to watch (both days really but more fun today). Hope you are having a wonderful week!“

I stared at this text message for over an hour. I had no idea how to address it. I didn’t know if she was being sarcastic or funny or what. She never texts things that have a lot of “!!!!”.

I want to let you know how stressed out I was when I got this text. I had just come back from my bike club’s Wednesday evening ride. We had an amazing ride and I rode with 13 other guys and it was exhilarating. They all told me that I did really well. Then I came home and saw this message. My stomach immediately went into knots. Over the course of that our I wrote three different responses on a piece of paper. None of them seemed to work. Then a part of me started to get sad and frustrated. Why on earth was it taking me so long to reply to this text message? And the thing if it was even if I had written some thing the next day I still would’ve been completely confused as to how to handle it. My point is that I didn’t need more time to figure out what to write back. I need to figure out what to write back.

I’ve always tried to be honest with all of you. And so what I did was I asked my husband if he could help me. He read it and he was also a little confused. We worked on it for almost 40 minutes. Please don’t hate me for saying this, but he wrote the actual response because I was so scared and confused. I also took the last line, “hope you’re having a wonderful week” as almost…. sarcastic. He said that I was wrong, and that I was being“ridiculous “. Then I started to get into my head and I thought “oh my gosh I’m being really mean”. I told my husband. “She could have closed that text with ‘how is your week going?’” he disagreed with me and said that I was reading into it. He said that I was feeling guilty because she lost two jobs. I do feel guilt for others. Don’t we all? I don’t even know anymore.

This is the reply that my husband ended up writing on my behalf:

“So, I’m reading: the relief of being freed from lousy situations…am I reading correctly? Are these celebratory YAYs, or “I need a drink” YAYs?”

He tried to bring some humor/levity to the situation.

I want you to know that I am so grateful that my husband helped me to even construct a reply. But this is a prime example of why I drink. I can’t deal with things like this. I don’t know how to handle things with ppl. And my dear husband was so kind tonight to sit down and to help me. And he said the more I practice the better I will get. I don’t know if that’s true, but I know that being sober tonight at least I learned somewhat how to steer my mind in the right direction. I am a very literal person. I see things in a concrete way, and I don’t even know if she is being sarcastic or what. I don’t want to offend anyone. That’s how I live my life. I want to err on the side of being polite. I just want things to be happy and to not offend anyone.

I’m sorry to share this nonsense with you. I am embarrassed to write to you that i feel so frustrated and disrupted over this situation. But this is my truth. And I get frustrated with myself. I am in excellent health. I have a happy marriage. I have lovely friends (for the most part). And the stupid stuff gets me every time. Every single time. My husband was so sweet to sit down and break down the entire text message with me. But you can’t do that in life. Things happen quickly. I don’t know why I miss read things and interpret things the way that I do. I don’t know why I have some friends who are so “easy” to talk with. And then other friends, who I feel are almost, maybe being sarcastic or maybe even jealous of me? I don’t know! My husband is friends with this woman. And when I brought up the fact that I thought she was being sarcastic by saying “I hope you have a wonderful week”. He told me that I was being “awful”. And that really hurt. I don’t know why I think that way it just seemed like she was being snarky. I think it’s also a problem I have in general with women. I always feel like they can be jealous. They don’t genuinely want the best for one another. I may be wrong, but that’s a lot of times how I see things. I think women can be much cooler than men can be. And that’s not just because I was abused by my mom.

Again, I’m sorry to bother all of you with this. If anyone can relate, please let me know. Otherwise please don’t even bother commenting. I’m 54 years old and I’m acting like I’m in high school. But I just want you to see an example of why I get so stressed. The great news is that I’m going to bed sober! And even if I didn’t handle this perfectly, at least I know drinking would’ve made it 1 million times worse.

As always, thank you for being here!!!

Dee74

I'm glad you're going to bed sober PL.

I just read the text without any context or emotional baggage and it doesn't seem to have any hidden message to me. I understand it may not seem that way to you - but at least think about the possibility you could be letting your lack of self esteem read a lot into this?

Its not easy getting sober and its not easy trying to become the self validator you should have always been.
But you've started and thats great

D

Steely

Dearest Peke, I think you are delightful.

So much thought going into constructing a 'right' reply really touched me. I can read too much into stuff too, Peke. Overthink. Which I guess is better than drink think, hey?

As our self self esteem improves we won't read as negative so much, the simple and innocent statement of a friend in text.

I loved your question about the triple triple exclamation marks. I reckon they were celebratory. My mind can do stuff like that too. Getting better tho, with greater sobriety.

I read the entire text Peke, and to me it was straightforward with no hidden content. Benign, even.

Going to bed sober is a beautiful thing.

Alpine

I know for me, I have pretty darn low self esteem and often think people may be taking jabs at me and would, and still do read into things that may not even be there. I am close to your age and quite active with biking, climbing etc where my confidence is. My husband sounds a lot like yours and will help me work things out in my little head I have received texts of and on and wonder what they mean by things and read into more then I should..well that is what Mr. A says...Or I think there are other motives behind it. I have to remind myself that things do get lost in translation via the written word. Sometimes it helps sometimes it doesn't.
You are sober, be darn proud of that.
Sorry for my choppy post...been getting some medical treatment which makes my brain pretty fuzzy. Plus it is 430 am. lol

RAL

I don't know if you are on any meds for anxiety but this was me years ago when my anxiety was really high. Reading so much into what people said and did and especially online stuff where there is no intonation and we have no idea of how someone meant to say something. She probably sent the text quickly then forgot about it. Maybe if things like that are having such a massive effect on which can't be good for your MH then maybe don't text people but just wait till they text you or see you irl.

Behappy1

Peke, I used to do this every now and then. I do know it was 100 times worse when I was drinking. It was also 110 times worse when I first got sober. My self esteem was shot. My confidence - gone. Before I started drinking, I was always a fairly confident person, fit, active, usually pretty well liked, not afraid to start conversations or just be myself. Alcohol gave me a false sense of confidence and an almost cockiness at times. It also caused me to do some very stupid things, embarassing things and chipped away at my confidence bit by bit. So I drank more to forget. Which did more damage to my confidence. I too became an "I'm sorry" person a little bit. I didn't like that "I'm sorry" person in me. It made me feel weak, wishy washy and beneath who I wanted to be. Something that I am not used too. I started isolating, drinking more - which made things worse.

I would start out with 2 things. Talk to your doctor about your anxiety. There are medications that can help and not addictive. I did this for a bit and then switched to a natural supplement. There are also temporary medications to help with drinking. I took Antabuse for a few months. I didn't want too, I knew it wasn't healthy, but neither was slamming a bottle of vodka daily. Secondly, stop drinking. I know that's a given and the obvious. Alcohol may seem like the current answer, but it only exacerbates the problem and deepens the guilt, shame, remorse. It is a hamster wheel that is not easy to get off.

Think about all of the time and energy that you AND your husband put in to a simple text.

biminiblue

When I was drinking E V E R Y T H I N G seemed major. Especially if it involved any kind of interaction with people, and I felt the same way about some women.

Alcohol lowers (obliterates) the natural emotional boundaries between two people. It lowers the spiritual energy of inner self protection and for me it made it seem like I couldn't tell where I stopped and others began. I also thought everything was about me.

That text seemed completely benign to me...but I do think that's one reason why alcoholics isolate so much. Every interaction comes with this navel-gazing mind-spinning period of confusion and pain afterwards.

The solution is stop drinking. Give it a few months sober and really dig into other things like therapy, AA meetings, or reading self-help books. There's a lot of help, but the only way to understand and get healthy boundaries is to work at it.

fishkiller

I'm gonna jump on the quit drinking and it gets better wagon too.

I'm still way out in left field socially myself. There are a ton of situations I struggle with.
Since I've gotten sober I still struggle socially but I've accepted that's who I am. A human being that is imperfect.
Imagine that.
I still expect perfection from myself even after accepting my imperfections. But being sober gives me the clarity to draw the line between doing my best and driving myself insane striving for the impossible.

Stop entertaining your AV (You stated the topic of the OP is why you drink).
That's pure AV bs. Your addiction is using your imperfections against you and so far it's winning. It has you thinking you need to drink because you are not perfect. Which will lead to more bad decisions which will lead to more AV and more drinking etc.

Embrace your imperfections. Be known as the one who apologizes alot. Be known as the awkward one. Be the most popular person in the whole world. Whatever it is embrace it. It is you. You are human. We don't want you to be perfect.
If anyone doesn't like it well tough for them.

You've got a ton of things going for you. Don't let the AV keep telling you otherwise.

Zencat

IMO, reading text without facial expression, body posture, inflection of tone, tempo of speech, hand jesters, relationship, surroundings, and what am I missing, would drive Albert Einstein nuts. I can write have a nice day! and somebody thinks why that SOB is ridiculing me? When I mean to have a nice day.

As someone already said; I read what I fear about myself into a text, conversations, and my treatment from others. I have to interpret the world without judgment to be well. It is not easy when I have to look through all my active symptoms to understand what the world is telling me. I get a distorted picture of the world. Distortion is confusion.

advbike

Peke, the replies here are ALL well-considered and absolutely spot on. So much wisdom .. and there's really nothing I can add.

Personally speaking - I do give people the benefit of the doubt - I assume they are being genuine, not snarky or taking jabs. I find life better when I take that approach. I also spend a lot of time trying to "perfect" my communications - both because of my OCD and because I want to be clear in my communications. Nothing wrong with that.

This was a great thread, thank you, and don't stress over how you are. You are perfect just as you are. Just give the sobriety some time to work and things will get easier.

Anna

Peke, I also found that everything was a big deal. Nothing was simple or straight-forward and I second-guessed myself a lot. You'll be surprised that being sober makes everything easier. For me, the intensity of such interactions just melted away. I began to find my footing and confidence. You can do that, too. For what it's worth, I think the text is benign, too. (((Peke)))

ToughChoices

I thought the text was a bit confusing. I would just call my friend to check on her… losing two jobs?!? Is that good? Maybe?!?! It’s definitely worth a real conversation, in my book!

I don’t think it’s snarky towards you, at all! Just confusing to read the writer’s real emotions.

For me, real life conversations are good at fixing this type of concern, and could give you the opportunity to lend an ear to a friend in the midst of some chaos!

Brandy123

Hi Peke - I agree with some other posters - you are way overthinking this which happened to me a lot in early sobriety. It helped me to simplify things - I would have just said - "Hi - my week is going okay. Busy as usual. - can't wait until the weekend!!". THE END. This way,, you acknowledge you received her e-mail and you avoid trying to interpret what she was saying. In early sobriety, I had a LOT of anxiety but simplifying things really helped me.

davaidavai

I may be off base, but when I was drinking and for years, I had no caution or censor, and this was also a coping mechanism for anxiety. To bulldoze all decorum into clown status. And now that I am sober and older, I am very cautious about my speech, but there are also lingering resentments cultivated through years of not knowing what genuineness was, and I think being around people with a similar problem who also didn't really prioritize that. Where there is risk and fear, there are defense mechanisms. 'Have a nice day!' and other Americana is heavily loaded with salesmanship, and I think it's natural to read a kind of double entendre onto it. And yet it's often just the style.

Free2bme888

If I was happy, that was an excuse to drink. In my mind.
If it was Friday, that was a reason to drink In my mind.
If it was 5 pm, that was an excuse to drink.In my mind.
My childhood memories were a reason to drink. In my mind.
Holidays were an excuse to drink. In my mind.
Self loathing from my drinking was a reason to drink. In my mind.

Only you can save you




You are loved, and drinking doesn’t agree with you being healthy physically, mentally, or spiritually.

Free2bme888

Glad you hit the pillow sober

Pekelover2

Thank you all for your kind words.
I felt (and still feel)so embarrassed that I posted this thread.
It turns out the my friend was being funny. She’s not the least bit upset that she and her husband lost both jobs. And in fact she’s delighted.

I hear what all of you are saying. I’m overthinking something that’s not a big deal.
I appreciate everyone’s thoughtfulness.

Life has to get better. I can’t be scared all of the time.

RAL

It's a great example of letting other people control how we feel and our emotions. I dk if you do AA or anything but I do SMART and they have a technique called the hula hoop. Imagine you're wearing on and all your feelings emotions and what you can control are within the hula hoop. Everyone else's actions, words etc are outside. It's all about learning that we can only control what is within the hula hoop and learn that anything outside is something we have no control over. Might be worth looking it up and getting a better explanation

Alpine

Oh my gosh Peke, don't be embarrassed..some of things I have posted and still at times post...sigh..lol. We are human and reaching out for support and insight. I have found great insight hear and clarity and understanding..oh and empathy.. I was totally overthinking something the other day..and of course it was not what I was thinking. Hang tough, get out on that bike and enjoy some you time. You got this.

biminiblue

I think everyone here has posted something because they didn't know how to handle XYZ. That's where community comes in, Peke. Not to embarrass you but to give other perspectives. We've all been there and sobriety (long term) is the biggest part of the solution.

The 11th Promise from AA's book, "Alcoholics Anonymous," 4th edition pages 83-85: