Lixie's journal
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,707
Originally Posted by Lixie 
I don’t deserve the applause. I’m miserable. Nothing gives me joy, I’m in a dump. So high strung, impossible to relax. I have gone through the motions and done what the kids expected of me, Easter egg hunt, family breakfast, playing cards, watching a movie, talking about life. And now I have no idea what to do. I have tons of things that have to be done, but then my wife will tell me to stop. Because I have to relax. But I’m going crazy not doing anything! I’ve tried a jigsaw puzzle and it’s half done, but I want to throw the pieces out the window. I should work on my book, but I’m afraid the computer will follow the jigsaw pieces.
I have an overwhelming sense of urgency, that I need to do something before it is too late, but I can’t do it. I want to scream, destroy things, drink. This is not the life I wanted. I fought to get sober, maybe if I drink I will have to find that spirit again.
I have an overwhelming sense of urgency, that I need to do something before it is too late, but I can’t do it. I want to scream, destroy things, drink. This is not the life I wanted. I fought to get sober, maybe if I drink I will have to find that spirit again.
I have 2 problems with alcohol: One is when I drink it. The other is when I stop drinking it.
Looking back, I can see that the frantic sensation of PANICKED ennui was the period of darkness before the dawn. Stopping alcohol was a step toward awakening and my ego started really putting up a fight.
You can decide, Liz. Go forward into the light of your true worth and dignity, or go back to self-numbing sleep.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,711
Originally Posted by LadyArwen
Hi Lixie,
I’m sorry to hear you are struggling. The only thing I have to offer you are the things I do when I’m stressed out or anxious:
1.) I open my Insight Timer App and do meditations. I have many saved for anxiety, stress and calm. Sometimes I will do back to back meditations.
2.) I sit in a comfortable chair looking out a window at a pretty spot outside my house. Grab paper and pen and make a list of all the things I’m grateful for: My children’s health, my SO’s health, my health, our comfortable bed to sleep in at night, my successful business, our dog staring at me in the morning from my pillow…..
3.) Take a hot shower (I wish it was a warm bath but I’m too tall to fit in the guestroom bathtub) and drink a cup of chamomile tea (decaf only)
4.) Pray to God and humble myself before him. Ask for guidance to calm my mind and soul.
These are my top 4 de-stressers that help me. I hope they help you too. You have given so much to your family and SO on this Easter day. Why not quietly give back to yourself now. You are worthy. Feed your soul. Have a glorious Easter!
I’m sorry to hear you are struggling. The only thing I have to offer you are the things I do when I’m stressed out or anxious:
1.) I open my Insight Timer App and do meditations. I have many saved for anxiety, stress and calm. Sometimes I will do back to back meditations.
2.) I sit in a comfortable chair looking out a window at a pretty spot outside my house. Grab paper and pen and make a list of all the things I’m grateful for: My children’s health, my SO’s health, my health, our comfortable bed to sleep in at night, my successful business, our dog staring at me in the morning from my pillow…..
3.) Take a hot shower (I wish it was a warm bath but I’m too tall to fit in the guestroom bathtub) and drink a cup of chamomile tea (decaf only)
4.) Pray to God and humble myself before him. Ask for guidance to calm my mind and soul.
These are my top 4 de-stressers that help me. I hope they help you too. You have given so much to your family and SO on this Easter day. Why not quietly give back to yourself now. You are worthy. Feed your soul. Have a glorious Easter!
Comforting, and kind. Good ideas, too.
Thank you. Helped me, as well. 💜
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,301
Dearest Lixie,
I would not have made it to where I am if I had to deal with my husband egging me on to drink.
Never. I would've caved in and joined the carousel.
So, yes - you do need applause. Absolutely, you do. For hanging in there.
It doesn't matter that you felt you were white-knuckling it, you still did it and succeeded.
It's great that you're going back to rehab - it's so incredibly fantastic that you know this is what you need and you're acting on it. Kudo's for that too.
Active alcoholism is a very selfish state to be in - excluding everyone to get your fix.
Active recovery should be selfish as well - excluding everyone to get better if that is what one's aim is. Don't doubt yourself or your feelings for a moment and go for it. You've come so far - don't toss it all aside, please.
Hang in there xxx
I would not have made it to where I am if I had to deal with my husband egging me on to drink.
Never. I would've caved in and joined the carousel.
So, yes - you do need applause. Absolutely, you do. For hanging in there.
It doesn't matter that you felt you were white-knuckling it, you still did it and succeeded.
It's great that you're going back to rehab - it's so incredibly fantastic that you know this is what you need and you're acting on it. Kudo's for that too.
Active alcoholism is a very selfish state to be in - excluding everyone to get your fix.
Active recovery should be selfish as well - excluding everyone to get better if that is what one's aim is. Don't doubt yourself or your feelings for a moment and go for it. You've come so far - don't toss it all aside, please.
Hang in there xxx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,301
One of the hardest things I've had to overcome is the feeling of anhedonia.
It's a real thing in recovery. A blah feeling. Feeling that nothing can get you excited.
And I'm also going through that at the moment.
I remember well how I could make my deadlines, working like a fiend - oiling the creative juices by always having the right amount of gin in my system and reaching impossible goals. Up at 3 in the morning, working like a machine.
Then crashing and sleeping the sleep of the dead. Only to wake, rinse and repeat.
I've had to get used to relying on my real self and real ability to reach my deadlines and goals now - and it's not as easy as it used to be. Hence, I've questioned myself - and wondered why I don't just get back at it and cope like a superhero again and reach impossible goals.
But then I remember the downside and why I so, so badly wanted it all to stop.
Why I so badly wanted out. And why I will fight with all I have not to go back to that.
It's a real thing in recovery. A blah feeling. Feeling that nothing can get you excited.
And I'm also going through that at the moment.
I remember well how I could make my deadlines, working like a fiend - oiling the creative juices by always having the right amount of gin in my system and reaching impossible goals. Up at 3 in the morning, working like a machine.
Then crashing and sleeping the sleep of the dead. Only to wake, rinse and repeat.
I've had to get used to relying on my real self and real ability to reach my deadlines and goals now - and it's not as easy as it used to be. Hence, I've questioned myself - and wondered why I don't just get back at it and cope like a superhero again and reach impossible goals.
But then I remember the downside and why I so, so badly wanted it all to stop.
Why I so badly wanted out. And why I will fight with all I have not to go back to that.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,590
Ayers Steely Lady Arwen and TC said everything I would have said.
no you don't.
Thats fear talking
I was afriad that I could never do this thing. But I did it, thorugh bad times and good.
I was afraid staying sober would mean losing things in my life.
I don't regret losing the few things I lost - I gained so much more.
I was afriad of the extra responsibility sobiety would place on me. I love that extra responsibility now.
Turns out I'm not bad at 'adulting'
I've never seen you are content confident serene and yes - happy - as you were when you got out of rehab.
There's absolutely no reason why you can't maintain that and have it become your default - and thats why the addicted side of you is freaking out so hard right now
Youre doing this recovery thing, Lixie, despite the potholes in the road - and thats awesome
dont let anything or anyone undermine who, and what, you want to be
D
I have an overwhelming sense of urgency, that I need to do something before it is too late, but I can’t do it. I want to scream, destroy things, drink. This is not the life I wanted. I fought to get sober, maybe if I drink I will have to find that spirit again.
Thats fear talking
I was afriad that I could never do this thing. But I did it, thorugh bad times and good.
I was afraid staying sober would mean losing things in my life.
I don't regret losing the few things I lost - I gained so much more.
I was afriad of the extra responsibility sobiety would place on me. I love that extra responsibility now.
Turns out I'm not bad at 'adulting'
I've never seen you are content confident serene and yes - happy - as you were when you got out of rehab.
There's absolutely no reason why you can't maintain that and have it become your default - and thats why the addicted side of you is freaking out so hard right now
Youre doing this recovery thing, Lixie, despite the potholes in the road - and thats awesome
dont let anything or anyone undermine who, and what, you want to be
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,711
Hi Lixie, you are doing something. > You want to scream, break things, chuck the jigsaw out the window. You are feeling things, and you don’t know what to do with those feelings, except to drink. It’s been the go to for us all.
But there is another way. To not drink, and to interrogate those feelings. Find out what they’re all about. Talk about it on return to rehab. Talk about it here.
I’ve felt that way Lixie and found in remaining sober I’ve been able to better understand my feelings, and they have changed in ways I would never have imagined. Tempered as I grew. Sober. No longer wanting to avoid, or self destruct.
All that I know with certainty is that to drink would screw things completely.
Just got to cop it on the chin at the moment. Talk about it. Not drink at it.
At least you’re getting feelings up.
But there is another way. To not drink, and to interrogate those feelings. Find out what they’re all about. Talk about it on return to rehab. Talk about it here.
I’ve felt that way Lixie and found in remaining sober I’ve been able to better understand my feelings, and they have changed in ways I would never have imagined. Tempered as I grew. Sober. No longer wanting to avoid, or self destruct.
All that I know with certainty is that to drink would screw things completely.
Just got to cop it on the chin at the moment. Talk about it. Not drink at it.
At least you’re getting feelings up.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,176
Originally Posted by Ayers
One of the hardest things I've had to overcome is the feeling of anhedonia.
It's a real thing in recovery. A blah feeling. Feeling that nothing can get you excited.
And I'm also going through that at the moment.
I remember well how I could make my deadlines, working like a fiend - oiling the creative juices by always having the right amount of gin in my system and reaching impossible goals. Up at 3 in the morning, working like a machine.
Then crashing and sleeping the sleep of the dead. Only to wake, rinse and repeat.
I've had to get used to relying on my real self and real ability to reach my deadlines and goals now - and it's not as easy as it used to be. Hence, I've questioned myself - and wondered why I don't just get back at it and cope like a superhero again and reach impossible goals.
But then I remember the downside and why I so, so badly wanted it all to stop.
Why I so badly wanted out. And why I will fight with all I have not to go back to that.
It's a real thing in recovery. A blah feeling. Feeling that nothing can get you excited.
And I'm also going through that at the moment.
I remember well how I could make my deadlines, working like a fiend - oiling the creative juices by always having the right amount of gin in my system and reaching impossible goals. Up at 3 in the morning, working like a machine.
Then crashing and sleeping the sleep of the dead. Only to wake, rinse and repeat.
I've had to get used to relying on my real self and real ability to reach my deadlines and goals now - and it's not as easy as it used to be. Hence, I've questioned myself - and wondered why I don't just get back at it and cope like a superhero again and reach impossible goals.
But then I remember the downside and why I so, so badly wanted it all to stop.
Why I so badly wanted out. And why I will fight with all I have not to go back to that.
I could have written this. I'm coming off a miserable bout of this. AV got to overdrive which it hasn't done in years.
"you were so much better at this when you drank. There was always something to look forward to. You worked hard, checked out and got back at it. Life was better, you were better".
All LIES! I was just in a funk
I let my current feelings and emotions override what I know is true.
Sober life IS a MUCH better life!
I, We, quit alcohol for a reason. Life with it SUCKED.
Never forget that and Just Don't Drink, No Matter What.
soberfighterwriter
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 1,770
Thanks RAL, LadyArwen, ToughChoices, Steely, Dee and Fishkiller (I'm sorry if I forgot someone).
I managed to calm down after my little rant yesterday and had a serious talk with my wife. We agreed that we are a team and that we always should talk to one another if one is feeling down. And then I felt so much calmer. Today when I woke up, I decided that today is going to be a good day no matter what, and I reminded myself that I am in charge of my feelings. Considering that I have lived 40 years without ever knowing how I feel (because I have numbed my emotions with a variety of things), I am giving myself that applaus I refused to accept yesterday. It is so hard to cope with emotions without being able to run from them. But I did it. This is day 148, and I have 21 full weeks now.
Regarding my upcoming stay at the rehab facility, I feel that I need to explain it further. Everyone who has completed the three months stay is encouraged to come back for two weeks two to three times within the following year. This is normally planned before they leave. I knew when I left in February, that I would be coming back on April 8. So this has nothing to do with me struggling lately (or maybe it is the cause of it, who knows) They have the option though, for patients to come back when they are struggling. They can call and get a bed that same day, if there is room. This is NOT for those who have chosen to drink and need a stay after that, then they will have to go to detox for 72 hours and that's it. This option requires that you have been sober for at least 14 days prior to the stay. There is no limit as to how many times you can use this alternative.
I plan to go back having 155 days under my belt. Because of this: Go forward into the light of your true worth and dignity. - TouchChoices
I managed to calm down after my little rant yesterday and had a serious talk with my wife. We agreed that we are a team and that we always should talk to one another if one is feeling down. And then I felt so much calmer. Today when I woke up, I decided that today is going to be a good day no matter what, and I reminded myself that I am in charge of my feelings. Considering that I have lived 40 years without ever knowing how I feel (because I have numbed my emotions with a variety of things), I am giving myself that applaus I refused to accept yesterday. It is so hard to cope with emotions without being able to run from them. But I did it. This is day 148, and I have 21 full weeks now.
Regarding my upcoming stay at the rehab facility, I feel that I need to explain it further. Everyone who has completed the three months stay is encouraged to come back for two weeks two to three times within the following year. This is normally planned before they leave. I knew when I left in February, that I would be coming back on April 8. So this has nothing to do with me struggling lately (or maybe it is the cause of it, who knows) They have the option though, for patients to come back when they are struggling. They can call and get a bed that same day, if there is room. This is NOT for those who have chosen to drink and need a stay after that, then they will have to go to detox for 72 hours and that's it. This option requires that you have been sober for at least 14 days prior to the stay. There is no limit as to how many times you can use this alternative.
I plan to go back having 155 days under my belt. Because of this: Go forward into the light of your true worth and dignity. - TouchChoices
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,014
Hi Lixie,
I am so glad that you are in a calmer place.
Everyone's recent responses have helped me a great deal.
TC, "panicked ennui" sums up my own struggles at present. And Ayers, yes, the anhedonia is a real thing, and so hard to push through. But we are doing it!
Lixie, it will be a good experience for you to have a "refresher " of sorts at your facility.
Look after yourself.
I am so glad that you are in a calmer place.
Everyone's recent responses have helped me a great deal.
TC, "panicked ennui" sums up my own struggles at present. And Ayers, yes, the anhedonia is a real thing, and so hard to push through. But we are doing it!
Lixie, it will be a good experience for you to have a "refresher " of sorts at your facility.
Look after yourself.
soberfighterwriter
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 1,770
On the bus heading for rehab, doing my best not to cry. Last week we got the worst news possible about our dog, the cancer has spread and there is nothing they can do. We were told to cherish each day, it can happen anytime- and I am going away. I am devastated. That very same day I ended up in the ER with heart issues and I am dangerously close to the breaking point. With the financial struggles on top…
I am trying so hard to be grateful, looking for the glimmers and the good things in my life, doing what is right for me, but I feel like I’m crumbling. Fading away. And that scares me.
But, I am sober. 155 days today.
I am trying so hard to be grateful, looking for the glimmers and the good things in my life, doing what is right for me, but I feel like I’m crumbling. Fading away. And that scares me.
But, I am sober. 155 days today.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 2,648
HI Liz I'm so sorry for the news about your dog. I hope you benefit from your extra time in rehab. It's scary when we get health alerts too but staying sober beast way to stay healthy. I know it doesn't feel like it but you are doing amazingly, under the pressure you have. Best to you x
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,711
You are doing what is right for yourself Lixie. Not drinking, and going back to rehab to rest, and discuss what’s going down for you.
Take this time in rehab to get yourself together Lixie. 💜
I’m thinking on your return you’ll have a much better outlook. Things not so overwhelming.
I hope issues with your heart have been resolved?
I’m really sorry about your dog Lixie. 😞
I think you need to rest Lixie. You are doing so much. Maybe too much?
Take this time in rehab to get yourself together Lixie. 💜
I’m thinking on your return you’ll have a much better outlook. Things not so overwhelming.
I hope issues with your heart have been resolved?
I’m really sorry about your dog Lixie. 😞
I think you need to rest Lixie. You are doing so much. Maybe too much?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,590
Hi Lixie - I'm sorry about your dog and all the other things.
Maybe the timing on you returning to rehab is fortunate though? it will give you a break and a chance to refocus on your continued recovery and leave you in better stead for when you get out again?
D
Maybe the timing on you returning to rehab is fortunate though? it will give you a break and a chance to refocus on your continued recovery and leave you in better stead for when you get out again?
D
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