venuscat

I know that, love; I was just offering up some ideas for sober fun.

Without getting into my life, I hear you, re the pain.
I had a lot of very painful family stuff to deal with, and there were times it almost engulfed me.
Now, I am through to the other side, and no longer live in that pain—I am free.

And you will be, too. ❤️

Lixie

But HOW did you do that? I sometimes wake up disappointed that I am still alive...

Pekelover2

Liz , please stay strong. Know that you are loved and that you inspire so many of us.
Hugs to Molly dog.

VikingGF

Oh, Lixie- this brings me back! You sound so much like I did- kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop- not drinking because I had come so far but still unsure that I could keep going- when was that desire to drink going to come and mow me down? I went on like that until about 10 months- and then I LET IT GO. I stopped second-guessing myself (do I really feel secure or don't I?) and I fully gave myself to sobriety- full realization that no amount of drinking could help, solve, relieve, reinforce, eliminate anything- and I was the one in charge. I know now this was all a process I had to go through- but at 6 months it felt very much like a was a puppet on the end of a string- but I was NOT. Neither are you. You are in more control than you think-and finding meaning without alcohol takes some time. You are doing everything right- the anhedonia will fade but it does come and go for a while- you just have to ride it out. Gradually, you will feel better and less frenzied to go, do, create, accomplish everything at once. I also learned that over-scheduling and making plans to do too much was a way I procrastinated, by having TOO much to do I couldn't prioritize, would get bogged down and then accomplish nothing. I'm working on that, but I still will find myself in that place sometimes.

I'm sorry to hear Molly isn't well- but you're sober and doing the best you can for her and that's everything.

Congrats on day 176. That's great work.

venuscat

I read that earlier, and it breaks my heart love. s

How did I do it? I kept trying to understand "forgiveness", the notion that it is about letting go of the pain and anger, and I just couldn't wrap my head around it. I thought forgiveness was about honest contrition and rebuilding the damaged relationship. And then, a little while ago, the penny dropped. I was absentmindedly thinking about my little sister, my best friend for 50 years (who said I was the evil who destroyed her life), and I forgot for a moment that she hates me now. And then I remembered with a jolt, and something happened in my heart, and I felt bad for her. She is very sad and lonely (according to my older sister), having missed out on everything she wanted, including a partner and children.

And here I am, happy as a clam, living in a new country and married for almost seven years. And it breaks my heart that she is such an angry, unhappy person. And I feel sorry for her that she threw me out of her life because I was her best friend, champion, and voice of reason. And somehow, feeling that empathy freed me of my pain; it certainly freed me of my anger.

s

venuscat

I absolutely love the site Tiny Buddha, and this was today's article. This is just the title, but I can PM the link. s ❤️

What Forgiveness Really Means and Why It’s the Ultimate Freedom

Lixie

Thank you for saying this, Suze. I have been through that same process, and I have forgiven my parents, long ago. I want to look to the future, not dwell on the past. It's not about that.

I can't explain it, not even to my wife.

venuscat

Something still needs to be addressed, though, because you love your wife, your children, your cafe, and so much more, and yet you feel like you don't want to be alive.

And that sounds like some big pain still being carried around. s
Did you forgive yourself?

That was very hard for me; in fact, I haven't entirely gotten there yet.

ToughChoices

True. This whole world is just forgiveness school.

Dee74

I’m sorry you’re in so much pain and in so much stress, Liz.
I remember feeling like life would break me newly sober - I had one tool and it was poison to me.

I felt like I had no time or opportunity to find other tools…but I forced myself to stop…and breathe.

Although it was very alien to me, I forced myself to ask for help. Some of that help was the people around me, some of it was here at SR, some of it was my Doctor, and some of it was therapy.

I cannot run the world single handed.

You will get through this sober Liz


D

Lixie

Thanks, Dee.

I think I made a break through. Or, my wife did it for me. I have struggled with this emotional pain, not knowing where it is coming from, but then she said that it might just be grief. I am mourning the past 40 years of my life, the person I might have been if this trauma had never happened. And that made so much sense! Suddenly the anxiety lifted and I feel more at peace with myself.

Thank you again, all you wonderful people. You mean a great deal to me. <3

Going to bed sober.

Steely

I love this TC.

I hope others can forgive me, as well.

Anna

Liz, it sounds like you had a breakthrough in your grief. Keep moving forward.

Dee74

I'm glad you feel better - sleep well

D

Lixie

I cried three times before lunch today. First, because of the marching band playing outside my house in honor of May 1, then, because I saw a video on TikTok with the original Eurovision show from 1994 in Dublin - Riverdance. I was mesmerized back then, and I got goosebumps again today. And finally I cried happy tears for myself. I was just overwhelmed by emotion thinking of the past six months, how I have said YES to myself every single day. I have wanted to drink so many times, always when I have struggled with intense feelings, but I didn't cave once. I have dealt with it without running from it.
After I wrote that letter to my parents and heard that they were writing a response, my wife asked me if I wanted to get something alcoholic for today (everything is closed in Norway today) in case the response was toxic or mean. I understand why she asked, but I declined. I want to deal with life sober.
I just got the response though, and it was just sweet and apologetic. We are good. And Molly is full of life today.

Leshar

Hi Lixie,
Your last couple of posts show the depth of your emotional growth. It's wonderful to see. I'm glad your wife helped with your breakthrough. But, for the life of me, I can't understand why she would suggest having alcohol available, in the event the response to your letter was upsetting for you.
You have done so much hard work. Alcohol can never be, and never was, for any of us, an agent to deal with negative emotions. Where do you think her suggestion/attitude regarding alcohol is coming from?
I'm glad Molly is feeling brighter!

Lixie

Leshar, I think she did it because she knows how much pain I have been in these last months. If I had gotten a nasty response from my parents, she just wanted me to have a temporary relief. I am going to talk to her about this, because alcohol is, as you say, never the solution for negative emotions.

We made delicious alcohol free drinks though, and she gave a beautiful speech about me and what I have accomplished. Feels very good.

Leshar

Lixie, that sounds lovely! I've learned that there is no temporary "relief" offered by alcohol. I had a 4 year period of sobriety, and I returned to drinking because of crippling anxiety, thinking that I could moderate. We all know moderation is a myth. I've been trying to gain ground for a few years.
I identify with your feelings that sometimes you just don't want to be here anymore.
I had a disastrous time with family members last summer where I drank "at" everything. My siblings are heavy drinkers and so are all the extended family there at the time. They aren't very nice people and can be extremely judgemental. I told myself I would start over once home, but I soon fell into a serious depression and whilst not actively suicidal, I just didn't want to wake up in the morning.
We are almost sober twins, I'm day 172. Let's never go back to a false friend!

Dee74

Lixie we're nearly at 500 posts - do you want to start a Part 2 in the Daily Support Forum?

D

sugarbear1

Are you working a program of recovery?