Lixie

I need a little space that I can call my own. A place where I can share my small victories and setbacks, a place where I can go whenever I need to be reminded why I do this. Welcome to my accountability thread!

My name is Liz and I have quit drinking. This is my story.

My problems with alcohol started twelve years ago. I had lived an OK life, or so I thought. Looking back, I can see that I had been depressed for most of my life, caused by a childhood trauma that no child should ever experience. And then, in 2011, I found myself in a situation that triggered that trauma and I crumbled. I went spiraling down into a deep, deep hole and I lost the will to live. But I had a family, a husband and three kids, and death was not an option. Instead, I did whatever I could to harm myself, including sharp objects, but the ultimate tool for this turned out to be alcohol. Not only did it make my husband angry whenever I drank, society itself condemns mothers who drink. I put myself in really dangerous situations and it was just pure luck that I made it through.
I have been in therapy for many years, but the breakthrough came when I finally got four weeks inpatient trauma therapy. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but after that I was slowly able to put pieces of my life back together..

Fast forward to the year 2018. I had written a manuscript about my life and I initially intended to publish it, but that never happened. It was good therapy though, and I realized that I enjoyed writing. I enrolled in a writing course, and in early June I attended a workshop. That's where I met my soulmate, my person, the missing piece of me. At first I thought that I had made a new best friend, but it didn't take long before I knew I couldn't live without this person. So, I left my unhappy marriage and followed my dream.
Since then we have bought a large, old house and converted it into a bed and breakfast and a cafe, and my life has never been better. I remember one therapist saying that people with my background usually end up in the gutter somewhere, or even worse, so I am very proud of myself for turning my life around.

For the first time in my life I can say that I am genuinely happy - except for one thing. Alcohol. I don't drink nearly as much as I did back then, but it is still too much. My partner drinks as well, and I guess you could say that we are co-dependent. Thankfully we both want to stop drinking, and we are currently on day 11 alcohol free. We both have so much more energy, and we love having this much time to do what we love. We now have time to read, to write, to talk, to bake sweets for the cafe, to clean....you name it.

This is my journey. Wanna tag along?

Lixie

By the way, having all that energy was true for the first week or so. Today, on day 11, I see that the bags under my eyes are bigger and darker than they were before, and my face looks more sunken in.I feel more tired than I did the last few days, is this normal? I am drinking water, taking my supplements, eating little or no sweets, and I get at least eight hours of sleep every night. It will get better, won't it?

Alpine

Welcome to SR, you will not find a better group of people that understand and will provide the most encouragment, support, insight, and honesty then here. Keep the focus going.

DriGuy

I doubt that many people if any spring back to normal in 11 days, and I don't know what normal should be. Hell, maybe your just noticing your eyes and other features for the first time. But yes, it gets better. For me it was far better, but better in ways that I didn't plan or fantasize about. I think after a couple of months your eyes and face are going to please you a lot more than they did at 11 days. There is nothing to regret or miss after you are on the sober train, because it retrospect you will realize that none of what you gave up was a sacrifice. They were just parts of you that you didn't want in the first place. They were comfortable for no other reason than you were used to them. Recovery is much about not being comfortable with the crap in your life. This is hardly the way I ususally describe the wonderful life of recovery, but it's true, and that's part of why it's so wonderful.

Free2bme888

OoOOOOoooo, wise words, DriG.

”Not being comfortable with the crap in your life”.

Yes, it’s that becoming aware I think is step one. Abstaining NO MATTER WHAT step two, and the rest of the never ending quest to be a better person, and to practice self love by identifying, setting, and keeping new boundaries is the best road to contentment.

I remember getting a “hangover” feeling 90 days to six months out. My addicted voice wanted to say, “see, it’s not worth it , you STILL feel the same”. Ahh, but that was a lie.so I ignored, and when I feel cruddy in the morning, I chalk it up to life itself. Nothing more, nothing less.

My relationship was toxic for about 20 years.

For me, although I want everything “yesterday”, I’m sure it will take years for my body, spirit and mind to heal after such a long time of abusing it.

The billions of cells in our bodies completely change in seven years.

When I start eating right, I want my body to look better in two weeks. Just impossible, Consistant Healthy eating needs to be incorporated for at LEAST months to see changes.

Your yearning to feel normal and healed this early are common, and you are doing great, Liz.

Thanks for sharing, I’ll be checking in on your accountability thread and follow your journey. You are an inspiration to many persons here.

🤓♥️

Lixie

Thank you, guys. I appreciate it.

I had a tough afternoon today. Tried to explain my feelings to my partner and ended up crying in public. It was as if I had an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, and I felt so torn. I knew rationally that drinking was a terrible idea, but my body didn't agree. Thankfully my mind won the fight and I went home and watched heaps of #sobermotivation videos. Now I am curled up on the couch with my partner eating nachos and watching MasterChef Australia, and I am calm and confident. So happy that I didn't cave!

Anna

Lixie, 11 days is great, but maybe a bit too early to see physical changes. Allow yourself the time to heal. I'm glad that you're doing well.

Hevyn

Hi Lixie - I'm so glad you're posting about your situation. Congrats on your 11 days. I agree that it's early to expect changes, but they will come. Be kind to yourself, and patient.
You're doing a wonderful thing by getting free. Things will keep improving as you heal.

Dee74

Good idea to start a thread Lixie

It’s hard when your partner is your (drinking) ‘partner in crime’ as well, or hard when alcohol is around, but people here have done it.
I believe you can too.

Its a journey we can’t make alone - but we need it to be independent of anyone else.

I hope your partner will follow you on your journey but if there’s a falter, remember to focus on what is good for YOU.

Keep looking for the glimmers

D

DriGuy

There will come a time, in the not so distant future, when you will not have to fight a craving to keep from caving. You will just not cave. You will still have something on the order of cravings, but you will just shake your head at the silliness of the thoughts. You will no longer do battle, but you will always have to make a choice. That will never change, but it is not at all like battling for your life. Here is where you will not resort to brute force will power, but rather to rational thought, knowing in your heart that one drink is the first step back to misery, and knowing that your AV is capable of making arguments that can seem reasonable. Reasonable or not, just always remember you can't drink without finding yourself back in that dark hole. You will be a strong person for all practical purposes, but never strong enough to drink like a normal person. But normal person or not, you are going to like yourself tons better.

Lixie

You know, DriGuy, I like myself better already. Especially when it comes to my relationship with my partner. They have seen me do so many awful things while drunk, and it is truly a gift to them that I can stay sober and be the partner that I want to be. A very wise person once said that "Changed behavior is the only true apology." I owe it to them (and myself) to be the best version of me that I can.

I got up at seven to make breakfast for our guests, and I let my partner sleep in. It is so wonderful to wake up with no hangover, not having to wonder what on Earth I did last night. I have taken the dog for a walk, eaten an egg and some sweetened cottage cheese with granola and blueberries, and I have chugged almost a liter of water. I have four sourdough loaves in the fridge that I need to get into the oven, and I have to clean one of the rooms and get it ready for the next guest. Luckily I have loads of things to do, so that I can change my routines to avoid the situations where I normally drank.

It's day 12 and all is well.

Carlotta

Good morning Lixie, congrats on day 12.
There are couples who get sober together, it happens. One big thing to keep in mind though (since you mention you are a bit codependent on each others) is not to make your own sobriety contingent upon someone else. When I originally got sober, my partner at the time was a raging alcoholic who couldn't/wouldn't stay sober. I managed to remain sober even though there was chaos and booze in the house (thanks to a lot of help from Al Anon too).

When it comes to couples and recovery it's a bit like toothbrushes: it is better and much healthier when there is "His" and "Hers" and you don't mess with your partner's. Even if at some point they chose not to brush their teeth, keep yourself sparkling clean

Changing your routines in the beginning is very helpful. I used to work night and I changed my route back home to avoid the store where I would buy alcohol after my shift. That little change made a big difference.

You got this!

DriGuy

Lixie, you've got this. Keep it up. What you are experience right now is just the tip of the iceberg, it never stops getting better, which still surprises me. All I wanted was to quit drinking.

RAL

Congrats on day 12 Liz and thanks for sharing your story. You're doing great

venuscat

I'm late, but I am in. With you every single step, darling Liz. ❤️❤️

Farrier

Just for today........

Zencat

Hi Liz I'll tag along

I gets better, way better from my POV. At neer 8 months sober I have more optismn for my future, recovery tools to deal with difficult emotions and a heart full of hope. Urges are gone and have been replaced with an eye on how to live sober now. I consider myself in the maintenance phase of sobriety. I have a daily treatment regime to stay sober while putting in the work to maintain a good mood.

Sober looks good on me. It will look good on you if you work for it that is

brighterday1234

The sober life is a wonderful life. My experience is that recovery is a daily way of living and a great one at that. Give time, time too 🙏

overforty

,

Lixie

Very nice avatar, overforty. That is exactly what I am doing now. I want to change. I am saying good bye to the person I used to be and am slowly turning into the person I want to be. I have implemented change on many aspects of my life, the major one was leaving an unhappy marriage for my soulmate.We have built a business together and things should be fine, but the person I was didn't have the qualities needed to make this business truly successful. In order to change, I decided that I couldn't follow the recipe I've always followed whenever I wanted to change something. I always, ALWAYS made a list of things NOT to do. NOT eating chocolate, NOT having potato chips, NOT eating after six pm and so on. This time I am adding things instead of removing them. For a week now I have started drinking between two and three liters of water, and I am eating more fruits and vegetables. I am slowly adding more exercise, and I am reading again. This leads to good things for me. Reading instead of watching TV, exercising instead of eating unhealthy things, a mindful breakfast makes me put the phone away. The only thing that I am completely cutting out of my life is alcohol. I will not drink, no matter what.

My partner and I had a long and wonderful talk yesterday, and we are both on the same page when it comes to drinking. Feels good.

Day 13 and all is well.