One of the hardest things I've had to overcome is the feeling of anhedonia.
It's a real thing in recovery. A blah feeling. Feeling that nothing can get you excited.
And I'm also going through that at the moment.
I remember well how I could make my deadlines, working like a fiend - oiling the creative juices by always having the right amount of gin in my system and reaching impossible goals. Up at 3 in the morning, working like a machine.
Then crashing and sleeping the sleep of the dead. Only to wake, rinse and repeat.
I've had to get used to relying on my real self and real ability to reach my deadlines and goals now - and it's not as easy as it used to be. Hence, I've questioned myself - and wondered why I don't just get back at it and cope like a superhero again and reach impossible goals.
But then I remember the downside and why I so, so badly wanted it all to stop.
Why I so badly wanted out. And why I will fight with all I have not to go back to that.