Divorce
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,981
As for the ageing parents thing, that’s my biggest fear of all. It’s an Asian thing to look after parents. Yes, I looked after mine and my brother moved in part time to help, but we
had to compromise between living our lives and helping parents. Old people become every more needy and tend to forget their own children have lives too. My wife went one step beyond - it’s an Asian thing - and moved in with parents. That was her choice and against all my advice and wishes. I said she has more to offer than being a carer. Neither of our solicitors know about the above because quite frankly they don’t give a damn. There’s no money to be made from the above.
We’ll do OK when I sell my house and downsize. UK property prices always go up ridiculously, so my wife will get a better pay out in two to three years than now. Plus she won’t have lost money (lots of it) to legal fees. Plus we’ll hopefully still be friends, which wouldn’t have happened if we’d gone to court.
Perhaps my wife is naive on paper right now, but any money she’d gain from an expensive and stressful court case (with only one winner, the lawyers) she’ll get anyway over the next few years. All lawyers do is to make amicable splits into bitter ones. Maybe it’s a US/UK culture difference, but paying money to such ineffective and heartless people is not what my wife or I want to do.
had to compromise between living our lives and helping parents. Old people become every more needy and tend to forget their own children have lives too. My wife went one step beyond - it’s an Asian thing - and moved in with parents. That was her choice and against all my advice and wishes. I said she has more to offer than being a carer. Neither of our solicitors know about the above because quite frankly they don’t give a damn. There’s no money to be made from the above.
We’ll do OK when I sell my house and downsize. UK property prices always go up ridiculously, so my wife will get a better pay out in two to three years than now. Plus she won’t have lost money (lots of it) to legal fees. Plus we’ll hopefully still be friends, which wouldn’t have happened if we’d gone to court.
Perhaps my wife is naive on paper right now, but any money she’d gain from an expensive and stressful court case (with only one winner, the lawyers) she’ll get anyway over the next few years. All lawyers do is to make amicable splits into bitter ones. Maybe it’s a US/UK culture difference, but paying money to such ineffective and heartless people is not what my wife or I want to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,981
Thanks, DriGuy. I’m not sure what’s best for both of us yet. I do 100% know it’s the right choice for both of us to not go to court. All I can do is be as fair and honest as possible.
At the moment, she is trapped because her dad needs so much support. I love my in laws, but he’s in his 80s. He’s had his life. My wife is only mid-40s and is capable of doing so much. In a way, I want her dad to move on. My wife’s mother is far more outgoing and would (hopefully) encourage her daughter to get out and do something she enjoys and is good at. But you never know with Asians. A lot of women in their 40s and 50s get stuck with aging parents and end up becoming withdrawn and frankly a bit useless. I’ve seen it first hand. I’ll do everything in my power to stop my wife becoming like that. That would make me feel the marriage was a total failure.
At the moment, she is trapped because her dad needs so much support. I love my in laws, but he’s in his 80s. He’s had his life. My wife is only mid-40s and is capable of doing so much. In a way, I want her dad to move on. My wife’s mother is far more outgoing and would (hopefully) encourage her daughter to get out and do something she enjoys and is good at. But you never know with Asians. A lot of women in their 40s and 50s get stuck with aging parents and end up becoming withdrawn and frankly a bit useless. I’ve seen it first hand. I’ll do everything in my power to stop my wife becoming like that. That would make me feel the marriage was a total failure.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,188
Originally Posted by Hodd 
Thanks, DriGuy. I’m not sure what’s best for both of us yet. I do 100% know it’s the right choice for both of us to not go to court. All I can do is be as fair and honest as possible.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,981
Thanks Dri
That’s one difference in the U.K. If legal representation is used, it can’t be the same lawyer. However, with the new “no fault divorce” option in the U.K., you don’t need any legal support. You can do it yourself.
That’s what my wife’s doing. It’s just that my original intention was to finalise the finances legally, naively thinking it would protect us both. It would’ve gone to court, and the court would’ve seen my wife had taken no legal advice and rejected any proposal at that stage. I’d then have to dig out my financial records, get the house valued (this costs £1000 amazingly) and we’d then have to argue on the division of assets. This would’ve been where at least £10000 ended up going to neither of us. To put this amount in perspective, I’m trying to get her to go to college for a couple of years to retrain for a new career. The cost of such a course is, you guessed it, about £10000 - money very well spent.
Anyway, predictably my solicitor just contacted me to say it’s important I go with a finance order as I may be in a much stronger financial position later on. A couple of problems with her scenario. (A) I’m a lazy bar***d with the attention span of a slug. I’m not going to be made CEO of anywhere anytime soon, so I’d have to win the lottery or rob a bank perhaps 🤣 (B) If I went to court, my financial position would be set back about 25 years. The thing is she’s advising me to go to court, but she a
is clueless as to what will kick off once it gets there. She’s just said the court might demand a 50/50 split with no talk of any strategy to avoid this outcome which will be a terrible loss for both parties. Bear in mind this person can’t even post a letter abroad, I’m not giving any more time or money to these clowns.
A good friend of mine has two young kids and has just finished his divorce. His wife got 75% despite having wealthy parents (apparently), and the legal fees were over £30000. I know one of the kids from my teaching, and I know they didn’t get a penny if that £30000. That was a less pleasant divorce, and I don’t see how any won there (except the lawyers).
That’s one difference in the U.K. If legal representation is used, it can’t be the same lawyer. However, with the new “no fault divorce” option in the U.K., you don’t need any legal support. You can do it yourself.
That’s what my wife’s doing. It’s just that my original intention was to finalise the finances legally, naively thinking it would protect us both. It would’ve gone to court, and the court would’ve seen my wife had taken no legal advice and rejected any proposal at that stage. I’d then have to dig out my financial records, get the house valued (this costs £1000 amazingly) and we’d then have to argue on the division of assets. This would’ve been where at least £10000 ended up going to neither of us. To put this amount in perspective, I’m trying to get her to go to college for a couple of years to retrain for a new career. The cost of such a course is, you guessed it, about £10000 - money very well spent.
Anyway, predictably my solicitor just contacted me to say it’s important I go with a finance order as I may be in a much stronger financial position later on. A couple of problems with her scenario. (A) I’m a lazy bar***d with the attention span of a slug. I’m not going to be made CEO of anywhere anytime soon, so I’d have to win the lottery or rob a bank perhaps 🤣 (B) If I went to court, my financial position would be set back about 25 years. The thing is she’s advising me to go to court, but she a
is clueless as to what will kick off once it gets there. She’s just said the court might demand a 50/50 split with no talk of any strategy to avoid this outcome which will be a terrible loss for both parties. Bear in mind this person can’t even post a letter abroad, I’m not giving any more time or money to these clowns.
A good friend of mine has two young kids and has just finished his divorce. His wife got 75% despite having wealthy parents (apparently), and the legal fees were over £30000. I know one of the kids from my teaching, and I know they didn’t get a penny if that £30000. That was a less pleasant divorce, and I don’t see how any won there (except the lawyers).
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,981
£10000 for my wife’s course
£30000 for my mate’s kids’ fund
Both are life changing amounts of money, imagine giving it to a lawyer instead. I always thought a lawyer would be like Saul Goodman and have imaginative ways and ideas to help their clients. Not a bit of it. They have zero ability to think outside the box. They go through the motions, adding complications along the way, add no value nor offer any guidance and as the example above with my poor mate’s kids, they really do take money away from good causes.
£30000 for my mate’s kids’ fund
Both are life changing amounts of money, imagine giving it to a lawyer instead. I always thought a lawyer would be like Saul Goodman and have imaginative ways and ideas to help their clients. Not a bit of it. They have zero ability to think outside the box. They go through the motions, adding complications along the way, add no value nor offer any guidance and as the example above with my poor mate’s kids, they really do take money away from good causes.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,981
Back with this monologue 🤣 I say monologue, but there were some great and super helpful replies. Thanks. In the first weeks of July, I was angry about this and stuck home alone in bed with what was apparently quite bad Covid. Not a great couple of weeks.
But hey, now the solicitor’s been fired, that was the first plus. I did get an invoice for £700 for a few phone calls and e-mails (£52 to send an e-mail!) and of course that pointless exercise in researching how to legally send a letter to Asia. I’m in two minds whether to challenge that or put it down to experience.
Next up, I thought my retirement to Asia (having a visa by being married to a local) was in tatters but far from it. It’s ironically going to be easier to do this without my wife. It’ll cost me, and I’ll now have to prove an income, but this is all doable.
No denying it’s a shame to divorce after 14 years. It’ll take a long time to get to know another person that well, if ever. But things are way better than they seemed a few weeks back.
So, I’ve obviously been busy planning recently. Loads to do such as sell/downsize my UK property (that’ll involve solicitors sadly), etc., but it’s fair to say I’d have made no progress if I’d chosen to drown these sorrows.
Thanks again all 👍
But hey, now the solicitor’s been fired, that was the first plus. I did get an invoice for £700 for a few phone calls and e-mails (£52 to send an e-mail!) and of course that pointless exercise in researching how to legally send a letter to Asia. I’m in two minds whether to challenge that or put it down to experience.
Next up, I thought my retirement to Asia (having a visa by being married to a local) was in tatters but far from it. It’s ironically going to be easier to do this without my wife. It’ll cost me, and I’ll now have to prove an income, but this is all doable.
No denying it’s a shame to divorce after 14 years. It’ll take a long time to get to know another person that well, if ever. But things are way better than they seemed a few weeks back.
So, I’ve obviously been busy planning recently. Loads to do such as sell/downsize my UK property (that’ll involve solicitors sadly), etc., but it’s fair to say I’d have made no progress if I’d chosen to drown these sorrows.
Thanks again all 👍
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,188
Originally Posted by Hodd
No denying it’s a shame to divorce after 14 years. It’ll take a long time to get to know another person that well, if ever. But things are way better than they seemed a few weeks back.
It's a good thing I'm not a marriage counselor. I'm such a proponent of divorce, I would have to advertise myself as a divorce counselor. Well, good marriage counselors should be neutral about the whole thing. I don't know if they keep a tally of how many marriages they saved. That goal should be left up to clients.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,981
Hi DriG
I’m coming round to your way of thinking 🤣 If a marriage has been iffy for a few years, counselling won’t help. I can look back to a whole stack of minor incidents which I should’ve handled differently, but even there’s no guaranteed I’d stay married. The fact I’ve moved on fairly quickly shows maybe I wasn’t that committed either.
It’s also often the easy/lazy option to stay married. I’m not looking forward to dating and I’m in pretty good shape for my age. I’m clearly stuck in my ways and any future lady I’d meet will be the same.
On that note, I have to admit I had a look at the Tinder app! I actually learned about this from a 15-year-old kid in one of my classes at school when he asked if I’d swipe a lady teacher (on a video we’d just watched) left or right on Tinder. That’s incredibly cheeky and deserved a load of grief, but I didn’t know what Tinder was! Anyway, people on Tinder obviously get to tick a few boxes of hobbies. The amount of ladies that have “grab a drink”, “cocktails” or “wine” in a very small list of hobbies is shocking 🤣
It's a good thing I'm not a marriage counselor. I'm such a proponent of divorce
It’s also often the easy/lazy option to stay married. I’m not looking forward to dating and I’m in pretty good shape for my age. I’m clearly stuck in my ways and any future lady I’d meet will be the same.
On that note, I have to admit I had a look at the Tinder app! I actually learned about this from a 15-year-old kid in one of my classes at school when he asked if I’d swipe a lady teacher (on a video we’d just watched) left or right on Tinder. That’s incredibly cheeky and deserved a load of grief, but I didn’t know what Tinder was! Anyway, people on Tinder obviously get to tick a few boxes of hobbies. The amount of ladies that have “grab a drink”, “cocktails” or “wine” in a very small list of hobbies is shocking 🤣
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 2,862
Do you still have to change the passport or will your UK one be ok to go to Asia?
Id love the courage to do it. I do say to my other half we should retire in France in 15 years time, buy a place as a fixer upper but i will have to wait and see if i can persuade her. The price of a house in my town is crazy, so i should make enough to buy something if i sold my place 🤞
Id love the courage to do it. I do say to my other half we should retire in France in 15 years time, buy a place as a fixer upper but i will have to wait and see if i can persuade her. The price of a house in my town is crazy, so i should make enough to buy something if i sold my place 🤞
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,981
Hi AL, my UK passport is OK for Asia. The Irish passport (which I still haven’t started!) is to help if I ever want to work in the EU again. The visa I’m after in Asia (Malaysia) is quite unique as you only have to physically be there 15 days a year. As I’m not going to be rolling in money in retirement, I’d certainly be happy to head back to Europe for a few months of employment now and then.
I need to start one of my off-topic threads but this time about my Irish passport application. Day 100, still no progress 🤡
Your France plan sounds like a good one. Could you live in Ireland and France for a few months each year? And 15 years? We’re about the same age, and I’d retire tomorrow (poor) if I could!
I need to start one of my off-topic threads but this time about my Irish passport application. Day 100, still no progress 🤡
Your France plan sounds like a good one. Could you live in Ireland and France for a few months each year? And 15 years? We’re about the same age, and I’d retire tomorrow (poor) if I could!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 2,862
Probably could but it will all depend on the kids and where they will end up. I cant see my daughter staying in Ireland and at the moment my son is a mamas boy (must be the Italian side of my wife)so he might end up coming with us😅. Id retire tomorrow too if i could afford it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,981
I’m sure it’s a UK and Ireland only problem where kids can’t afford to buy a property where they grew up. It’s a big shame. I recently read a lot of people would like to live in Ireland, but I’m sure there aren’t many cheap places left.
i shouldn’t tempt fate, but my parents and grandparents lived until their late 80s. I’m going to be retired/poor for a long time. We all need some clever planning such as property/part-time work as sticking money in pension schemes nowadays is not a bad thing, but the funds are stagnating (at best) right now. I could’ve sold my soul and become a civil servant if I wanted a pension, but I’d be too boring to retire anywhere nice.
i shouldn’t tempt fate, but my parents and grandparents lived until their late 80s. I’m going to be retired/poor for a long time. We all need some clever planning such as property/part-time work as sticking money in pension schemes nowadays is not a bad thing, but the funds are stagnating (at best) right now. I could’ve sold my soul and become a civil servant if I wanted a pension, but I’d be too boring to retire anywhere nice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,981
Sorry to drag this non-SR thread up again. Although I’ve been quite feisty with the practicalities, I can’t pretend I’m OK with it emotionally. One of my best friends is who I really want to talk to now. His wife very sadly died in 2009, and although that’s a far sadder situation, I’d like to know how he dealt with it. I met with him a lot back then, but now I realise he was living quite far from his family. It must’ve been an incredibly lonely time for him. Oh, the reason I won’t trouble him right now is he’s getting married again in two weeks time, and it’d be a very inappropriate topic at least for now.
It’s surprising how certain situations can bring on huge feelings of loneliness. I went to a big supermarket today and as weird as it sounds I was quite jealous of couples doing their food shop. I’ve been trying to avoid my wife on the phone to make this that bit easier, but I have to say she’s one of the few people who’d understand how I’m feeling.
So no danger of drinking but not feeling great lately. I do live quite far from family and friends and work mainly from home. A few things need to change.
Phew! That’s me.
It’s surprising how certain situations can bring on huge feelings of loneliness. I went to a big supermarket today and as weird as it sounds I was quite jealous of couples doing their food shop. I’ve been trying to avoid my wife on the phone to make this that bit easier, but I have to say she’s one of the few people who’d understand how I’m feeling.
So no danger of drinking but not feeling great lately. I do live quite far from family and friends and work mainly from home. A few things need to change.
Phew! That’s me.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,633
Hi Hodd. I don't really understand how people can just breeze through situations like this & not feel emotional. You'd have to be a very shallow person, & it's good that you're not. I'm glad you wanted to talk about it - I think it helps ease the anxiety a bit. I'm sure there will be hope & happiness again for you - but this stage is rough. Congrats for facing things sober & not falling back on our old coping tool - which never did anything but make us more miserable, after a bit of numbness.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
