Hodd

Just spoken to a solicitor. The UK rules changed recently so there’s a no-blame divorce option, but it’s still a complex affair. My wife has said verbally she doesn’t want any money, but a court will have to agree to this - it’s highly unusual so could even be rejected. There is a quicker option where finances remain open, but this sounds like a recipe for disaster (subsequent claims can be made of course), so I’ll fix it once and for all. My wife will have to speak to a solicitor, and they will of course advise that she’s entitled to a lot of my assets, so it’ll be interesting to see what she says later on. Right now, she’s looking after aging parents so probably doesn’t need the extra stress of this finalised route, but as my solicitor says, there’s nothing wrong with such a strategy however hard headed it sounds.

AL48

There're no easy roads here Hodd. As long as its amicable for both if you but that wont be easy either id expect. Make sure to take care of yourself in this difficult time.

Hodd

Thanks Al, best to get it fixed now. I’d be amazed if after talking to a solicitor, my wife didn’t change her mind about claiming some money. I wouldn’t end up losing the house or anything, but I’d have to work a few years more. She’d also lose any extra help I was planning to offer, e.g. the U.K. state pension I said I’d help with, but now the ball’s rolling, I’ll be very economic with my words to her and definitely nothing in writing.

It’s a stress she seriously didn’t need right now, which is a shame. I can’t really advise her now either as any solicitor she appoints will have to consider me as a selfish grabber and not the nice helpful guy I am

Hodd

Apart from splitting with my wife, another problem I had was I’ll lose the right to live permanently in her country. I’ll admit that’s been my plan for well over a decade now, and it was a blow. To retire unattached there needs serious money, and I wouldn’t have enough confidence in the government to invest there anyway.

But as with all us resourceful ex-drinkers, a bit of thinking goes a long way. Because I’ve travelled a lot aka bummed around not to mention drinking a lot of my savings, I’d have to work at least another 10 years to retire in the U.K. I don’t even rate the U.K. particularly especially over the last few years.

So a country not too far from my wife’s offers a retirement visa in exchange for keeping a sum of money (not a huge amount) in a bank. It’s a country I used to live in too. I’m not retiring just yet (I’m 52) but it’s a definite way forward. In the meantime, I have to downsize my U.K. property so I can be mortgage free. Then I can rent this out or move back on if life abroad goes belly up. It’s financial suicide to retire abroad without a fall back option.

I’m sure as a drinker, I’d have got through 27 bottles of wine since my wife and I agreed to part, and I’d have been no closer to a plan. It’s not a perfect plan by any means, but it’s not bad. I didn’t think I’d be saying this this time last week, but things just work out for the non drinker.

RunningScared

I try to spend 6 months a year in Thailand, but haven't been able to because of Covid. I've been looking at retirement visas. Before, I'd just exit the country or get an extension at a local immigration office. Normal entry is for 30 days for US citizens. I imagine it's the same for UK citizens. Some refer to that as visa on entry, but it's not an actual visa. It's just a stamp in your passport, and then if you leave the country and come back it's another stamp. Airfare over there to surrounding countries is relatively inexpensive. I can get the retirement visa based on my retirement income. Otherwise you have to maintain 800,000 baht (about $25,000) in a Thai bank. I'd feel uncomfortable putting that much money in a foreign bank, although no one reports any problems in Thailand. As you said, you always need a backup plan when living in a foreign country. I'm 63, so older than you. The retirement visa I'm looking at is for 1 year and renewable. Anyway, I'm still wishing you luck with your divorce. These things are never easy. Also, of course, congratulations on your sobriety. Good work!!

Hodd

Wow, had an angry day yesterday I’m still getting over Covid which isn’t helping, but I had a WhatsApp chat with my wife which wasn’t me at my most pleasant in all honesty. I’m going to go for counselling once Covid finally goes as the world doesn’t need that much anger. I guess I’m angry my wife didn’t stay with me, but in all honesty she should’ve left years and years ago. It’s only on the last two years I’ve been any sort of husband but too little too late. I don’t have the greatest “EQ” so she says, but that’s me. Bit of a rant, and as I say not helped by still isolating with Covid. I am making plans to move on, but I was surprised and shocked at the anger. I really thought that was alcohol-related but I’m three and a half years sober.

Tailai

Could be the COVID talking. When I was quarantined by myself at the beginning of the pandemic, I had an angry outburst on the phone with my twin sister, of all people, and we never, ever get heated with each other.

ClearPath64

I'd say that anger is a pretty common emotion at this point in the proceedings. But good for you for assessing yourself and wanting to change. I said a few things to my ex-wife, when we were in the middle of it, that I couldn't believe. Ugly words like that had never come out of my mouth before. That was one of the hardest periods of my life, emotionally. We have to give ourselves some grace. I'm glad that you decided to use this thread as a place to vent Hodd. One day at a time with this. Just like the sobriety.

PidgeGAP

I don't think I realized how much my drinking affected the others around me until the end of my last bout. I have to stay strong for others, as well as me.

Hodd

Thanks ClearPath. A country I’m thinking of trying next is Thailand (not my first time I’d be living there) and anger is the last thing a visitor needs there. Not that a Thai doesn’t get angry 🤣 I remember hiding under a table in a restaurant there whilst the husband owner threw all his wife’s belongings into a river and then told his staff to help him throw even more things in the river!

Hey, RunningScared, I sent you a PM. Let’s have a chin wag about Thailand.

Hawkeye13

I have been dealing with quite a bit of free-floating anger myself lately so I can relate—mine has quite a lot to do with my still-drinking spouse, and even though I was “worse” than him when I drank, it amazes me how much toxicity exists in relationships with alcohol issues from one or both partners.

Your insight about “too little too late” is unfortunately true for many of us. We just don’t really get what the other person has been through dealing with our alcoholism and the negative fallout and behaviors from it.

Great job staying sober, and hopefully some time and space will let the healing and forgiveness start on both sides—be fair, be civil, and do the next right thing

Hodd

Thanks Hawkeye, sounds like an ongoing unresolved problem festering. Easy for me to say now, but it needs addressing.

I’m sure some marriages are hell on earth with abuse and even violence. I’m glad to say I never sunk that low; I just wasn’t mentally there most of the time.

AL48

It must be a very tough situation Hodd.
I can understand loosing your temper though, im still finding it hard dealing with different emotions as i think while drinking it was mainly guilt i dealt with. Now that my mind if open to everything else it can be difficult at times to think things through before i explode. I suppose its like road rage saying things that you'd never say to someone face to face.
I hope things will get easier in time.

Hodd

Thanks Al, I’m fairly philosophical about things. I can’t turn back the clock, and that’s the main thing that angers me as irrational as that seems. I spare a thought for people who go thorough this with kids and/or an unreasonable partner. That must be intolerable. In my case, this is likely to be resolved within a year, we’ll both still be friends and I can move on. I still fear deeply for my wife as she’s stuck with needy parents. It’s such a waste of her talents.

oh plus I’ve just tested negative for Covid. I can’t now go and out and about 🙂 I’ll have to do some AL-type walks this week and build back up to the running.

Hodd

Oops, I can now go out and about 🙂

Jo43

I'm so sorry to hear this Hodd. I hope its as calm and easy as it can be for you. Like has already been posted protect your sobriety and do what you think is best for you and if that means you cant stay friends then so be it. You have to do whats best for you. Sending hugs xx

Hodd

Thanks Jo. It’d be good to stay friends, but I think the legal process and the useless people involved will do their utmost to create chaos. I’m already amazed at how my solicitor makes problems of sending a legal letter overseas, and rather then just getting on with it, they update me with every minor detail of how complex it all is. It’s obvious that legal types have no interest in the feelings of the people involved. It’s all about the money. My poor old wife will soon learn that.

Pekelover2

Hood,
I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I feel like things happen for a reason. Like Advbike said, sometimes ppl just drift apart. Please don’t blame yourself entirely.

I wish you knew how much I can relate to your story. Ppl think I’m sweet and polite. And I am. When I’m sober. But my husband has been around me when I’m drunk. And I become easily frustrated and angry. It’s awful. Like you, I’m not violent. But I’m verbally abusive for sure. (I have no memory of these episodes). I get so angry and nasty. If I were my husband I wouldn’t hang around. But he sees the sober me and I think he feels that I’m going to eventually stop drinking. Idk. It’s a lot to ask of someone. I’m killing our marriage.

I’m glad that you’ve made a plan. You’re going to be fine. We all care about you very much.

Hodd

I have to say, PL, from my experience, I’m afraid I’d have to agree you’re at the very least damaging your marriage. My wife says I wasn’t mentally there a lot of the time, and that’s probably how your husband feels.

As for me, yes I have plans but there’s a limit to what I can do for the next 12 months. I’d like to downsize my property and be mortgage free, and whilst I can plan this, I need to finish the divorce first as my wife’s name is on the property (not that she contributed anything to the purchase costs).

Things could be way worse. I could be unemployed or dare I say drinking. You need to put a stop to it, PL. Relapses should be taken with the seriousness they deserve.

Steely

You are handling this so very well Hodd. Thank goodness for sobriety.

I think your wife is being very generous in saying she wants no money. I did that, and it didn't work out very well for me.

Yes, outbursts of anger still occur for me too. Mainly angry at myself. But, I'm learning how to let it go. Acceptance. Sounds like you're doing the same. Time well spent.

I hope everythings works out well for you both Hodd.

And I'm glad you're coming here to talk about it too.