Hodd

It’s not all roses in the land of sobriety. I was an a*****le in the extreme for about ten years of my marriage. I wasn’t violent thankfully, but I was nasty and thoughtless. I’d say I’m now the person I’d like to be and have been for two years or so, but the bad stuff keeps getting dragged up by my other half. I’d advise anyone not to dwell on the past, but it’s something my wife chooses to do a lot.

It’s not a done deal by any means, and I’ll certainly fight to save what we have together. If we do split, she’d like to stay friends, but I’m not sure I could do that. It’d be too painful.

It’s a huge shame as - without banging my own drum - I’m a decent and thoughtful person now. My wife didn’t deserve the drunken a********, but she deserves the current version. I also worry about her after her parents have gone as she can be naive and trust the wrong people. For all my faults, I’ve always looked out for her. She moved to a couple of foreign countries with me, and I did do my best to set her up securely in both places. I’m not sure other people she’ll meet will be so careful.

And we all know the catalyst for this. It was my hangovers and short temper. Some of the things she’s said recently would’ve had me in a shouty fit of rage, but I’m so calm and placid now, it’s like a different person. Whilst I’m trying to fight to save our marriage, I’m also pragmatic. I have sadly had to start thinking what I’d do next. I do have plans such as locating abroad and getting on with things, but it’s one huge waste of 14 or so years and the wrong decision.

There you have it, folks. Our drinking does affect those around us.

VikingGF

Sorry for your trouble, Hodd. Don't think of it as a waste, though- those years changed you into who you are now, a sober, balanced person making your own decisions about what comes next.

Anna

Hodd, I'm sorry for what you're dealing with. The thing is, it was the right decision 14 years ago and I hope you don't see it as 14 years wasted. I expect that your wife can see that you've changed in the last 2 years, but maybe she is having trouble coming to terms with the previous years? Have you considered couples counselling? I do agree with you that you shouldn't have to be constantly reminded of past mistakes. That's not a healthy situation for either of you.

Hodd

Hi Anna, we did have some counselling, but to be honest the counsellor was too busy bigging me up on how great it was that I’d stopped drinking. It really wasn’t the time or place for that. I felt the counsellor was picking on my wife, and I wasn’t comfortable with that and said so. My wife was annoyed the counselling stopped so maybe we could do it again. As you may have guessed, my wife and I are from different parts of the world, and the counsellor didn’t grasp the intricacies of this.

And I 100% get the previous years part. I’ve said I can’t turn the clock back and wish I could but I can build a great future. But as you say, if enough bad stuff happens, it might not be possible to undo it all.

ClearPath64

Hodd, I feel for you. I really do. My 23 year marriage dissolved due to negligence, largely on my part, as I chose to recede into my addiction, rather than nurture and be emotionally available. No amount of change on my part could undo what was done. But it wasn't a wasted 23 years. Far from it. I have three kids and three grandkids that remind me of that every day. And, seven years removed from my divorce, I have an amicable relationship with her, which I didn't think was possible when we were going through it.

I wish for the best possible outcome for you Hodd. Take care of yourself at all costs. You will get through this extremely rough patch and be wiser for it. But I know how hard it is right now.

Hodd

Thanks ClearPath, that must’ve been extremely tough.

Ironically one of my “drinking buddies” inspires me the most although his situation was way way worse. His wife very sadly died in her early 40s, and the funeral wasn’t a pleasant affair as you can imagine with the parents still alive. My friend, who I’ve actually known nearly 30 years now, was having a rant to us in the pub that he had no future, etc. He then visited me overseas a few weeks after and carried on ranting. It was a tragic time. But he remarried and now has a great life. Pity he drinks so much.

dustyfox

Hodd I am sorry to hear that things are tricky for you and your wife.

I can understand how your wife might feel that she has not processed her own grief, anger and hurt from your past 'thoughtless' behaviour. Maybe you could suggest that she might be helped be seeing a counsellor on her own -or have a combination of sessions together and sessions each on your own? Just a thought.
You seem like a sound and thoughtful person now and perhaps there is still scope for saving your marriage. But I hope if things get tough you post here often as your own sobriety is the most important thing here.

AL48

Sorry Hodd this must be a very tough situation to be in mentally and emotionally. Im sorry i can't give you any good advice on what to do only to wish you well and hope things will work out for the best.
Al

Radix

Tough situation. I'm with AL48, I can't give you any advice, but I wish you well.

It's good that you like yourself so much more now. I don't know what the future holds for you, but whatever comes, you'll be in a better position to face it now than when you were drinking.

Steely

I'm very sorry Hodd.

I hope you and your wife will be able to make this work for you both, no matter which way it goes.

I'm glad you are sober.

MrPL

Hey Hood,

I know the feeling, this was the case with me when I sobered up before. I found a relationship completely broken, which I tried my best to fix, and I’m glad I did.

It turns out it couldn’t be fixed in my case, but both of us and our kids are way happier today, so what I want to say is that whichever turn this takes, there is a life ahead.

Stay sober, stay healthy, and do what you can, sooner or later things settle one way or another.

Dee74

I’m sorry to hear about this Hodd.
I hope both of you can decide what the best thing for each of you is.

D

Hodd

Thanks all, whatever the outcome and the inevitable loneliness, I can hand on heart say I don’t need a drink right now and (never say never) I think it’ll stay that way 🙂

advbike

Sometimes people just grow apart, too. A life well-lived involves change, and we all go at a different pace and value different things. Its not all on you, Hodd, so don't take on all the blame.

dustyfox

Well said advbike.
Hodd make sure you take care of yourself , tough times can be tricky to navigate...

DriGuy

I hope you can salvage your marriage, but sometimes it's not up to us. I've heard that recovery sometimes loses a partner, although I don't know of anyone where that has actually happened. I've just read that in different sources, and I can understand the dynamics. You are strong. I have no doubt about that. I got divorced two years before I quit drinking. My wife and I remained friends, and when I told her I quit, she didn't seem to understand. But then she never saw the worst of my drinking. Could I have quit if I were still married? I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it would have been harder.

I don't think any of that is helpful to you. It's just something I wondered about about myself. I didn't respond to this thread, because I didn't know what to say. I still don't, except that I have confidence in you.

Hodd

Well, we’ve had a week together on holiday which was nice, even doing what men and women have been doing since Adam met Eve, but my wife’s adamant that she wants to split and stay as friends. I don’t get it to be honest, but I’ve had to start accepting the idea as sad as it is. As lonely as I’ll be, I fear deeply for her future living with needy ill parents, no savings and a few issues meaning she can’t work. I’d be happy to help as a husband but as a “friend” it’s no longer my responsibility. I’m not a nasty guy whatsover, but I had to state a few facts about finances from this point forward. Sad sad sad.

Just sat outside an old drinking den of mine for a cola. I’ve started to make plans for the future, and I’ll definitely be moving abroad even temporarily. I’d fully advise people in a pickle to look ahead for the next move. I’ve been bogged down by past relationships before, and it’s a total waste of life to do so.

Mizz

Im really sorry, Hodd.

ClearPath64

You don't come across as nasty at all Hodd. It's ultimately her decision, and her responsibility at that point. You have a future ahead of you, as jumbled as it may seem at this point. Protect your sobriety, and it will all get sorted out. I'm sorry for what you are going through though. Keep using this thread to share your feelings, if you care to. Many of us have been there.

Hodd

Thanks ClearP, your earlier post above was especially helpful. I’m not sure yet if I want to stay friends. OK, it’s sensible to keep our friends, but I’d find keeping my soon to be ex-wife as a friend very painful and not conducive for moving on. Maybe that’ll change.

and (never say never) but sobriety’s not a major worry. I haven’t felt like a drink during all this. It’s just as well as the drunk version of me was responsible for all this. If my wife had have walked out in those times, I’d have fully understood why.