dustyfox

I am so very sorry to hear this Hodd. But well done for your positive attitude, in difficult circumstances.
I hope you keep your sobriety protected and close to you, post often here if it helps.

VikingGF

Sorry, Hodd. Divorce sucks, plain and simple. Mine was amicable and I still had to go no contact for about 9 months to get my own head straight. I could not transition to friend status without it. Do what you need to do to maintain your sobriety and your sanity. Hope it goes smoothly for you.

Dee74

Sorry this is the outcome Hodd.
D

Zura

Sorry to hear your sad news Hodd. All the best for the transition period and the next chapter of your life.

RunningScared

No getting around it. Divorce sucks. Been there, done that. It takes a while to get over something like that. It's a major life change.

Hodd

That no contact part makes perfect sense. I’ve been borderline besotted with ex-girlfriends in the past, and the only cure was to break all contact and move on. It’s very sad indeed, though, as I told my wife I’d have understood her walking out on the 2016 version of me but not the 2022 me. What I’ll do then is tell my wife about the no contact plan or she’ll think I’m blanking her forever. I’m back in the UK home alone in a few days. The contract job I have now is easy and pays well, so even I’m not stupid enough to leave that, but I’ll be planning asap what to do next (won’t be drinking 🤣 )

BackandScared

Sorry you are going through this Hodd.
It can be very difficult for our partners to deal with the totally, radically different person we can become after we quit: physically, mentally, even espiritually (I am not religious but I hope you more or less get what I try to convey here).

My marriage almost collapsed when I stopped blaming mysef for everything. Once I knew 100% i had not forgotten anything, I had not shouted, I had done nothing wrong at all, a lot of my husband's bad behaviour became apparent. He never noticed I was drinking every night until I passed out, which probably says a lot, not only about me, also about him. He has no way to hide now and he has found this very difficult too. We have survived so far but it has been a real struggle.

I am not friend with any 'exes' (this includes a very short marriage). I think it is possible and sometimes necessary medium/long term if you share children. In my opinion, in the short term you need zero contact and time to heal, recover and rethink yourself as an individual who is making plans ahead solo. It must be very very painful and you need time to go through that pain on your own terms. The person who inflicts the wound is hardly the one who can heal it or support you through this.

You have done incredible things to become a better person and perhaps this will provide plenty of opportunities to explore the potential of the new you.

Hodd

To be fair to my wife, she’s not money minded. I wouldn’t blame her for clawing some money out of all this. She certainly needs it. However, friends who’ve been divorced say it doesn’t matter what the other party might say; it’s all about what others say to them. My wife may well meet someone who smells money and convince her to chase me for cash whatever she may say right now. So, I’ve already taken the first steps and spoken to my friendly divorce lawyer.

Hodd

By the way everyone, my “thanks” button had vanished or I’d be dishing out thanks

Tailai

Hodd, the man you are today has always been there. The drinking took that away and now you can live the life for which you were destined. I’m excited for you and what your future holds.

MrPL

Hey Hood - sorry to hear about that.

I’ve been in a similar situation myself, and truth is most likely, if a friendship is on the cards, it’s not something for now (as others said).

I’m civil with my ex, friendly even, but there’s no friendship there apart from chit-chat when we drop off or pickup the kids.

This is for the best for both of us, looking back divorce has been one of the best things that ever happened to me, and to her I think. We both became different people since, in my case more and more the person I think I should and want to be.

Priority now is to focus on your sobriety, remaining vigilant, and sorting through the paper work. In terms of money my experience is that in most cases the situation ends up fair ish. Hopefully it will be the case to you as well.

Wishing you all the best, there’s a better life on the other side of this for sure!

Hodd

Thanks Tailai, I’m embarrassed to talk about myself so much, but I remember the year I met my wife. An American colleague who I still know fortunately told me I was popular. It was a funny sounding comment, but I never heard a comment like that again until recently. I told my wife that story, but it fell on deaf ears. I’ll have to find someone else to be nice to although for anyone in their 50s that’s not going to be easy. I’ve tended to be more successful in finding partners whilst based overseas so it looks like that’s the plan. Thankfully the world has opened up again.

Hodd

Today was a day of airports and flights plus a thirsty me from walking about in a tropical climate. I must admit a beer would’ve been nice, but then it’d be nice the next day and we all know the rest. What a myth it is that alcohol helps us relax. It’s the addiction for alcohol in an active drinker that causes the stress.

AL48

Hodd i feel for you and can't imagine the emotional strain it must be having on you. Again theres no advice i can give you only to say sorry and hope things will work out for you both.

Anna

I'm sorry to hear this, Hodd. I hope you know you can lean on your SR friends.

Hodd

Thanks Al, I meant to say your great photos thread is now in a different part of this site, so I haven’t been following Hope you’re doing OK.

SR’s been pretty helpful about this too It’s time to realise that if someone doesn’t want to be with you, despite giving it your best shot and being nice, it really is time to move on as quickly as possible. I’m still not sure what my wife is looking for. I think she might even have a form of depression (remember SR gang, you’re hearing one side of this, I’ll admit I’m not perfect), but I can’t give her any more time or support. I think she’ll be quite shocked by how matter or fact I’ll be about this, but she has her (ageing) parents for support. I don’t have mine (my wife was great in supporting me and my parents during their final years) so I have to think of number one.

slimjim30

Sorry to hear this Hodd. I have never been divorced but I'm married, and prior to that went through some messy breakups.

I might have missed it - but do you have kids? If not - my opinion is that you should make a clean break. Sort out the assets etc. and then cut all unnecessary communication.
Take some time for you - realise it's for the best (there's no point being married to an unwilling participant), lean on friends and family, and when you're ready, start dating again. Don't start dating until you're firmly, long term sober. Don't rush into re-marriage.

If you have kids then you're going to need to do your best to maintain good terms with the ex. Don't antagonise her. Try and let the kids see two mature adults making a mature adult decision. If I were you I'd aim for 50/50 custody. Your kids will thank you when they become adults. Having both a male and female parent for guidance is more important than some literature may make you believe.
Dating as a single parent with kids can be tricky. Always put the kids first, but make time for you. Once again, don't start dating until you're firmly, long term sober, and don't re-marry in a hurry.

My last piece of advice is to get a lawyer ASAP. No matter how well you two are still getting along, this can all change when custody and finances get in the way. A good lawyer will be worth his/her weight in gold. That said, try to come to a binding legal agreement as quickly as possible as you don't want the lawyer getting the lion's share of your family's stuff. If it makes it to court kiss many many $ goodbye.

Please take everything I've said with a grain of salt. I have never been divorced, but I've seen how it plays out. Not the "behind closed doors" part, but the public part.

I wish you the best. Ending a relationship is painful at the best of times - but you will recover. 50% (ish) of all marriages end in divorce, and most of the divorcees do just fine. It'll be hard for a while, but who knows, in the long term you may find the most perfect partner in the world.

Hodd

Thanks slimjim, it’s all very amicable on both sides, but I know from friends (one of whom is a divorce lawyer), this can soon change. The biggest danger in these “friendly” cases isn’t the two people involved, it’s what other parties might say to one of them. A friend of a friend of my wife might say how easy it might be to get some money out of all this and set up a meeting with another friend and so on. Nice reasonable people can soon turn out to be the opposite apparently. So I’m sorting out the legal side asap. I will give my wife some financial help. I owe her that for the years she gave me, but it’ll be done after the divorce is finalised. There’ll be no mention of any such money in writing until then. It’s a sad state of affairs, but things spiral out of control when other parties stick their noses in.

You mentioned sobriety (this is SR after all). Mine is pretty safe after 3.5 years, but dating in future will be an interesting one. I don’t think I’m being picky when I insist on a moderate or even non-drinker. I’ve got close friends of 30 years I avoid if they’re drunk so a drunk stranger won’t even get the time of day from me. Also, this is slightly offensive (sorry), but I haven’t dated a female from my home country for about 30 years! The ladies I’ve met have either never drank or do so rarely. A double standard perhaps, but a good one

RunningScared

Hodd, it is very wise of you to look at the financial aspects of this and protect yourself accordingly. You are right that reasonable people can turn unreasonable very quickly.

Hodd

A friend of mine has just finalised a divorce, and it was horrific. There were two kids involved sadly, but the way the wife fought for so much of the finances at the expense of the husband was absolutely shocking. I’ve only heard his side, but he seems a decent guy. He didn’t deserve to be kicked out of his own house and pays tens of thousands in court fees. He’s a local guy and a good father. I’m big on karma, and I don’t get how the wife could treat a human like that. Again, I’ve only heard one side, but it sounds like external parties stuck their noses in.

The way I feel now, I’d be happy to help my wife for the rest of her days as a friend, but I’d do it only on our terms. For example, I topped up and sorted her UK state pension, which she’ll now get (albeit reduced as she only paid a few qualifying years) in 20 years time. No external party would do such an easy but so long lasting and helpful gesture. It’s just this initial stage I have to be hard nosed and make sure any funds go to us and not hangers on. Hopefully my wife will see it that way.