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Join Date: Apr 2021
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FDM no worries and 
hellos
Good to see you around. Hope you are well.
I must admit I am finding it easier to deal with the not drinking this time around ( my 1,000,000 and third time). Because I am pig 🐖 sick of it in every fibre of my being (including the fibres of my jumper)
Thanks for the visit
Off to bed to watch anything but YouTube 😆
hellosGood to see you around. Hope you are well.
I must admit I am finding it easier to deal with the not drinking this time around ( my 1,000,000 and third time). Because I am pig 🐖 sick of it in every fibre of my being (including the fibres of my jumper)
Thanks for the visit
Off to bed to watch anything but YouTube 😆
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hey J!
I'm glad to see that you just let those cravings go the way of "No Way."
It ain''t the most comfortable thing, but it might be slightly ahead of childbirth, right?
Difference being that child simply must be born...
It's so funny/cool/odd that you were writing this yesterday sometime around the same time I was thinking along similar lines:
I was thinking "I had to get beyond the 'why.' ...but I guess that's true of everyone. The difference is in how we are able to get there. Some people can take the express lane to not caring about the 'why' and others need to find some sort of bridge there."
Thanks for putting your thought out into the cosmos!
I'm glad you're on the express.
O
I'm glad to see that you just let those cravings go the way of "No Way."
It ain''t the most comfortable thing, but it might be slightly ahead of childbirth, right?
Difference being that child simply must be born...
It's so funny/cool/odd that you were writing this yesterday sometime around the same time I was thinking along similar lines:
I was once really into WHY. Because I thought if I knew why I could stop it. Dead Wrong. Now I don't care why.
I was thinking "I had to get beyond the 'why.' ...but I guess that's true of everyone. The difference is in how we are able to get there. Some people can take the express lane to not caring about the 'why' and others need to find some sort of bridge there."
Thanks for putting your thought out into the cosmos!
I'm glad you're on the express.
O
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Hi O, yes I'm wide awake in bed. I did drop off but I didn't turn off the horror film I was watching and blood curdling screams woke me up I'm like WTF??
Strangely, I don't find the cravings that much of a hassle. I think I said before, I had treatment for complex PTSD. One of the scary things I had with that was dissociation. Anyway, with a lot of therapy, I didn't get that anymore in times of stress infact all my PTSD symptoms went away.
But it comes in mighty helpful when using AVRT. I find it very easy to just mentally remove myself from the cravings and see the drive to drink (my Beast) and all ITs accompanying "feelings" as a separate entity. I mean, the dissociation doesn't happen spontaneously now, which is a relief, but with the help of AVRT I can use it in a constructive way. My therapist didn't call it a "symptom" anyway, apparently it's a defence mechanism. And what better way to use it than in defending against the urge to drink??
As to the not caring about "why" did I drink now. For 1 my therapist says therapy has only been proven to work in about 45% of people to help with an addiction.
For 2 there are so may contradicting theories out there, I reckoned it would be impossible to get to the bottom of it, after years of twisting my melon man, over it.
All I know for certain is it's an addictive substance and if I use it, I will continue to be psychologically and physically addicted!
Really, is it important to you why you drank? As long as you accept that you won't make the mistake of using it again as a coping mechanism (cos it doesn't bloody work as one lol) as we all find out to our detriment.
I'm all for knowing yourself and self improvement. I just don't think it has any baring where drink is concerned.
I mean, I've heard people say they are "a work in progress" I don't agree, that would suggest there will be a finished product lol. I think we are constantly changing beings, that's our natural state.
You can look back every 10 years of your life, from birth onwards and see you are not the same person as then.
Just an example off the top of my head ...Baby, toddler, child, teenager, young adult, mother of young children, mother of teenagers, mother of adult children, grandmother, decay and death LOL. Sorry jumping ahead of myself.
It's not just circumstances change, we do as people and the way we react to our roles and environments.
I think even in any given time frame, we are not uniformly "one personality" because different people and different situations bring out different things in us!
Do I know what I'm talking about? Probably not lol.
You'll get what you are searching for O because you put so much passion and effort into it.
I can't give you any little emojis cos I am on my laptop and can only do : and )
You have a beautiful heart, O and that's one thing that can't be learned and doesn't change and is at the core of everything else you are
Strangely, I don't find the cravings that much of a hassle. I think I said before, I had treatment for complex PTSD. One of the scary things I had with that was dissociation. Anyway, with a lot of therapy, I didn't get that anymore in times of stress infact all my PTSD symptoms went away.
But it comes in mighty helpful when using AVRT. I find it very easy to just mentally remove myself from the cravings and see the drive to drink (my Beast) and all ITs accompanying "feelings" as a separate entity. I mean, the dissociation doesn't happen spontaneously now, which is a relief, but with the help of AVRT I can use it in a constructive way. My therapist didn't call it a "symptom" anyway, apparently it's a defence mechanism. And what better way to use it than in defending against the urge to drink??
As to the not caring about "why" did I drink now. For 1 my therapist says therapy has only been proven to work in about 45% of people to help with an addiction.
For 2 there are so may contradicting theories out there, I reckoned it would be impossible to get to the bottom of it, after years of twisting my melon man, over it.
All I know for certain is it's an addictive substance and if I use it, I will continue to be psychologically and physically addicted!
Really, is it important to you why you drank? As long as you accept that you won't make the mistake of using it again as a coping mechanism (cos it doesn't bloody work as one lol) as we all find out to our detriment.
I'm all for knowing yourself and self improvement. I just don't think it has any baring where drink is concerned.
I mean, I've heard people say they are "a work in progress" I don't agree, that would suggest there will be a finished product lol. I think we are constantly changing beings, that's our natural state.
You can look back every 10 years of your life, from birth onwards and see you are not the same person as then.
Just an example off the top of my head ...Baby, toddler, child, teenager, young adult, mother of young children, mother of teenagers, mother of adult children, grandmother, decay and death LOL. Sorry jumping ahead of myself.
It's not just circumstances change, we do as people and the way we react to our roles and environments.
I think even in any given time frame, we are not uniformly "one personality" because different people and different situations bring out different things in us!
Do I know what I'm talking about? Probably not lol.
You'll get what you are searching for O because you put so much passion and effort into it.
I can't give you any little emojis cos I am on my laptop and can only do : and )
You have a beautiful heart, O and that's one thing that can't be learned and doesn't change and is at the core of everything else you are
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Yes, I do know what you are talking about.
I don't think we are our personalities at all, but more along the lines of what you say - it's all kind of conditional. I'm not the same with my mother as I am with my sister. Each of them have a different view of me because of what I show them but also because of what they see. But I'm still me, whoever that is.
I didn't actually need to find the 'why' at all - I think I knew it in one way or another all along.
What I needed to find was the way to get beyond the why, and I did and I have.
Thanks for the compliment, luv.
Here's two keyboard shortcuts so you can emoji me back:
If you put the word 'hug' inside of two colons (without the quote marks), you'll get
Same for the word 'kiss'
Sweet dreams, J
No horror films!
There's a really great sleep meditation on Netflix - did I already tell you?
I think it's called Headspace. (or Mindspace? no, I think Headspace)
I laid there the first couple of nights thinking, this is dumb, I'll never fall asleep - and then did.
Now it takes about 3 minutes, if that. I like the train one.
O
I don't think we are our personalities at all, but more along the lines of what you say - it's all kind of conditional. I'm not the same with my mother as I am with my sister. Each of them have a different view of me because of what I show them but also because of what they see. But I'm still me, whoever that is.
I didn't actually need to find the 'why' at all - I think I knew it in one way or another all along.
What I needed to find was the way to get beyond the why, and I did and I have.
Thanks for the compliment, luv.
Here's two keyboard shortcuts so you can emoji me back:
If you put the word 'hug' inside of two colons (without the quote marks), you'll get
Same for the word 'kiss'
Sweet dreams, J
No horror films!
There's a really great sleep meditation on Netflix - did I already tell you?
I think it's called Headspace. (or Mindspace? no, I think Headspace)
I laid there the first couple of nights thinking, this is dumb, I'll never fall asleep - and then did.
Now it takes about 3 minutes, if that. I like the train one.
O
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Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 522
Oh O it's good you got what you were looking for, Bono still hasn't found it 
Sorry, I have to laugh at my own jokes cos no one else does.
I'm on my phone now so can do the emojis, but will write those laptop emoji instructions down, I feel naked without them!
thanks very much 🙂
I'll give the meditation a try, never was into them since I did one that said "you try to move your arm, but it won't move" I tried to move my arm, it wouldn't move, I thought I'd had a stroke and panicked!!
Or that might have been a self hypnosis thing.
Anyway I'll give the meditation a try
You have a nice evening
Sorry, I have to laugh at my own jokes cos no one else does.
I'm on my phone now so can do the emojis, but will write those laptop emoji instructions down, I feel naked without them!
thanks very much 🙂
I'll give the meditation a try, never was into them since I did one that said "you try to move your arm, but it won't move" I tried to move my arm, it wouldn't move, I thought I'd had a stroke and panicked!!
Or that might have been a self hypnosis thing.
Anyway I'll give the meditation a try
You have a nice evening
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Join Date: Apr 2021
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Day 23
Sinus still a bit sore, but think the chilli melted most of the congestion in my face, so not as bad, I can move my eyeballs from side to side without pain.
But feel a bit rubbish so think it is an infection. Waste of time trying to get antibiotics out of the Scarlett Pimpernel (doctor) though. So just have to wait and see if my immune system can fight it off.
I will put turmeric in my green smoothies, which is anti inflammatory and need to go up the green and dig up some dandelions to make some root tea.
I also have some ginger in the freezer, I'll just make a concoction.
Life is settling down to a boring level. I see people now and again (mostly my littlest, my best mate is a nearly 7 year old boy lol) although he is a lot more interesting than most adults, and much less jaded lol.
But I don't mind boring. I have made a lot of space in my life by cutting out the booze, it's bound to take a bit of time to find other things to fill it.
And I'll take bored over drunk or withdrawing anyday. Especially withdrawing with guilt oozing out of my every pore. I do have spells of guilt still over the past. But I dismiss them, I'm not getting caught in that rat trap again, it leads to one place, gin city. I'm trying to get myself straight so I can be a better person in the future. And horsehair shirts are not comfortable. attractive, or of much use. Religious fanatics used to wear them as self-punishment in the middle ages to atone for their sins.
Thought it was ridiculous when I learnt about it at school as a little kid, still do now. I can feel remorse enough to not do it again but I've punished all of us enough
Sinus still a bit sore, but think the chilli melted most of the congestion in my face, so not as bad, I can move my eyeballs from side to side without pain.
But feel a bit rubbish so think it is an infection. Waste of time trying to get antibiotics out of the Scarlett Pimpernel (doctor) though. So just have to wait and see if my immune system can fight it off.
I will put turmeric in my green smoothies, which is anti inflammatory and need to go up the green and dig up some dandelions to make some root tea.
I also have some ginger in the freezer, I'll just make a concoction.
Life is settling down to a boring level. I see people now and again (mostly my littlest, my best mate is a nearly 7 year old boy lol) although he is a lot more interesting than most adults, and much less jaded lol.
But I don't mind boring. I have made a lot of space in my life by cutting out the booze, it's bound to take a bit of time to find other things to fill it.
And I'll take bored over drunk or withdrawing anyday. Especially withdrawing with guilt oozing out of my every pore. I do have spells of guilt still over the past. But I dismiss them, I'm not getting caught in that rat trap again, it leads to one place, gin city. I'm trying to get myself straight so I can be a better person in the future. And horsehair shirts are not comfortable. attractive, or of much use. Religious fanatics used to wear them as self-punishment in the middle ages to atone for their sins.
Thought it was ridiculous when I learnt about it at school as a little kid, still do now. I can feel remorse enough to not do it again but I've punished all of us enough
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I never knew the difference between guilt and remorse until recently. A lot of dictionaries lump them together but..
Guilt is acknowledging a crime or a harmful action while remorse is regretting the actions and taking steps to undo damage. 2. Guilt tends to lead to destructive tendencies while remorse leads to constructive actions.
Guilt is acknowledging a crime or a harmful action while remorse is regretting the actions and taking steps to undo damage. 2. Guilt tends to lead to destructive tendencies while remorse leads to constructive actions.
Life Goes On
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Location: Baltimore, Maryland
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Bored?
Make a (small) list and do it.
You can even fill the list with boring things - it will still help you to alleviate that feeling, just by doing it.
(Nothing like a friend who only knows one annoying tune and plays it on repeat, eh?)
I had a mentor once that used to say "Guilt is useless." I don't think I ever asked her to explain, but it sounded right. Still does. Guilt is focused on self - it's all about the itchy shirts and self-flagellation and other beatings up on oneself. To me, those stories of saints who were so very cruel to themselves also had a congratulatory public feel to them. "Look at me! I suffer!!!" Remorse is much more useful and productive - like you said, it implies an intention to become unremorseful by doing right things.
Still, there's remorse that I'm not sure will ever leave me. The regret I have for putting my kids through my alcoholic guilt and anguish-filled years is not likely to ever vanish. Slowly, I am getting to the point where I can start to address that directly with the girls. Maybe more like acknowledge. But I am very cautious, extremely wary of making it about me. I've done enough of that.
I forgot to bust you earlier on buying obnoxious toys for your best friend. Here you are playing the victim, and you're actually the one inducing the frivolity.
Your grandson must be so happy to see his grandma come out of the fog.
Make a (small) list and do it.
You can even fill the list with boring things - it will still help you to alleviate that feeling, just by doing it.
(Nothing like a friend who only knows one annoying tune and plays it on repeat, eh?)
I had a mentor once that used to say "Guilt is useless." I don't think I ever asked her to explain, but it sounded right. Still does. Guilt is focused on self - it's all about the itchy shirts and self-flagellation and other beatings up on oneself. To me, those stories of saints who were so very cruel to themselves also had a congratulatory public feel to them. "Look at me! I suffer!!!" Remorse is much more useful and productive - like you said, it implies an intention to become unremorseful by doing right things.
Still, there's remorse that I'm not sure will ever leave me. The regret I have for putting my kids through my alcoholic guilt and anguish-filled years is not likely to ever vanish. Slowly, I am getting to the point where I can start to address that directly with the girls. Maybe more like acknowledge. But I am very cautious, extremely wary of making it about me. I've done enough of that.
I forgot to bust you earlier on buying obnoxious toys for your best friend. Here you are playing the victim, and you're actually the one inducing the frivolity.
Your grandson must be so happy to see his grandma come out of the fog.
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O 
I have been doing my list, but it IS a boring list lol.
I'm really not well today. Spoke too soon when I said my sinus was calming down, my head is killing me. And I'm tired, I still have my pjs on. But you are right, doing something, anything makes the time pass faster.
Yeah, the guilt has sucked me back into drinking so many times.
I have had it out with my kids before. But of course they say, it's no good doing things, feeling guilty, drinking and doing something else and feeling more guilty. If you were that sorry you wouldn't drink when you KNOW how it makes you act.
I understand your feelings I'll never fully forgive myself especially for what I did to my daughter recently .
But also for another ton of things when all the kids were growing up.
But that's the price I have to pay.
I can choose not to dwell on it, which I am this time. If I know it leads to drinking and if I do it anyway, then it's just an excuse to drink!
And as my daughter said before, you can feel as guilty as you like, it won't change things. I love you but I HATE the way you act drinking.
I had to put up with it when I was young, I don't have to now and I won't.
Either pull yourself together or don't, your choice.
My dad was a drinker for 40 years, he did some horrendous things in drink.
But the last few years of his life, he stopped drinking and was a different person. I forgave the past, because he wasn't that person anymore.
Hey! That slime was science!
My son said at the time to maybe get him something educational ( I remember those "educational" toys when I was a kid, BORING, got tossed in a corner and never touched waste of a present
) Yes I've always practiced gratitude. Lol
I'm certainly more present with my grandson than I have been all this year. In the past I wasn't as bad as I got. Could maybe go a week or so without drinking and I was very close to him in so he probably did wonder what happened!!
I have been doing my list, but it IS a boring list lol.
I'm really not well today. Spoke too soon when I said my sinus was calming down, my head is killing me. And I'm tired, I still have my pjs on. But you are right, doing something, anything makes the time pass faster.
Yeah, the guilt has sucked me back into drinking so many times.
I have had it out with my kids before. But of course they say, it's no good doing things, feeling guilty, drinking and doing something else and feeling more guilty. If you were that sorry you wouldn't drink when you KNOW how it makes you act.
I understand your feelings I'll never fully forgive myself especially for what I did to my daughter recently .
But also for another ton of things when all the kids were growing up.
But that's the price I have to pay.
I can choose not to dwell on it, which I am this time. If I know it leads to drinking and if I do it anyway, then it's just an excuse to drink!
And as my daughter said before, you can feel as guilty as you like, it won't change things. I love you but I HATE the way you act drinking.
I had to put up with it when I was young, I don't have to now and I won't.
Either pull yourself together or don't, your choice.
My dad was a drinker for 40 years, he did some horrendous things in drink.
But the last few years of his life, he stopped drinking and was a different person. I forgave the past, because he wasn't that person anymore.
Hey! That slime was science!
My son said at the time to maybe get him something educational ( I remember those "educational" toys when I was a kid, BORING, got tossed in a corner and never touched waste of a present
) Yes I've always practiced gratitude. LolI'm certainly more present with my grandson than I have been all this year. In the past I wasn't as bad as I got. Could maybe go a week or so without drinking and I was very close to him in so he probably did wonder what happened!!
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I've degenerated into full blown man flu. I'm a woman, but I've heard man flu is worse than woman flu and I feel rough 
Aches, sneezes, sinus and headache, shivers.
I also have a shingles type rash on my shin. A bit dizzy when I stand as well. Probably explains why I've felt a bit low the last couple of days.
The little midget, who is off school poorly still, has given this to me!
My immune system must be very poor at the moment.
I have been taking vitamin supplements for the last couple of weeks, but they take a while to kick in.
All the more reason to keep with the healthy eating I just started.
Funny how I felt a bit guilty going back to bed this afternoon, considering all the days I wasted in bed recovering from the drink 😂
Still don't feel as bad as when in withdrawal.
Aches, sneezes, sinus and headache, shivers.
I also have a shingles type rash on my shin. A bit dizzy when I stand as well. Probably explains why I've felt a bit low the last couple of days.
The little midget, who is off school poorly still, has given this to me!
My immune system must be very poor at the moment.
I have been taking vitamin supplements for the last couple of weeks, but they take a while to kick in.
All the more reason to keep with the healthy eating I just started.
Funny how I felt a bit guilty going back to bed this afternoon, considering all the days I wasted in bed recovering from the drink 😂
Still don't feel as bad as when in withdrawal.
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Day 24
Had an ok sleep, dreams a little vivid (to say the least!) but not nightmares like in withdrawal. Those withdrawal dreams must dredge the depths of hell to bring up what they did. 😦
I often wondered, in withdrawal where the images came from in the hallucinations and nightmares. I can't remember ever seeing any of the things I saw then in real life (or TV which is very much removed from real life). Or read in a book.
Are they in your subconscious to start with? Or are people who say the brain is a receiver right and those things actually exist somewhere in the cosmos?
Maybe I missed my vocation as a horror writer.
I fancy writing, like a fictional novel or something. But everytime I try, it comes out all pompous sounding
not to mention trite and boring!
It's a pity cos that would be a good hobby, pass the time and occupy my mind.
Plus I would have to hand write because everytime I save anything on the laptop, I don't know where it goes and can never find it again.
Hmm that's enough musing for one day.
I have been urge free since the other day. But that's not the point in giving up drink is it?
The point (to me) is retraining yourself to live without drink inspite of urges or distressing thoughts. It is getting easier and quicker, to get the needle out of the groove thoughts wise, when I feel them going in a dark direction.
I'm just prattling on for the sake of it now 😆 time to go!
Had an ok sleep, dreams a little vivid (to say the least!) but not nightmares like in withdrawal. Those withdrawal dreams must dredge the depths of hell to bring up what they did. 😦
I often wondered, in withdrawal where the images came from in the hallucinations and nightmares. I can't remember ever seeing any of the things I saw then in real life (or TV which is very much removed from real life). Or read in a book.
Are they in your subconscious to start with? Or are people who say the brain is a receiver right and those things actually exist somewhere in the cosmos?
Maybe I missed my vocation as a horror writer.
I fancy writing, like a fictional novel or something. But everytime I try, it comes out all pompous sounding
not to mention trite and boring!It's a pity cos that would be a good hobby, pass the time and occupy my mind.
Plus I would have to hand write because everytime I save anything on the laptop, I don't know where it goes and can never find it again.
Hmm that's enough musing for one day.
I have been urge free since the other day. But that's not the point in giving up drink is it?
The point (to me) is retraining yourself to live without drink inspite of urges or distressing thoughts. It is getting easier and quicker, to get the needle out of the groove thoughts wise, when I feel them going in a dark direction.
I'm just prattling on for the sake of it now 😆 time to go!
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Thanks fishkiller
I only go to the doctors if I'm dying. I have no faith in pharma and their agents (two long stories)
I am in less head pain today. It seems to be a bug going about. My son now has it along with my grandson, my other grandsons, my other DIL, my mother, my sister and my daughter (who lives a few hundred miles away). And most of us haven't been anywhere near each other the past week or more! All with the same symptoms. A couple of them have had to take a test (have to twice a week) and they don't have covid. We've all had it before anyway (I didn't take a test, but had the same symptoms as they did)
I have spent the morning sitting with my grandson as my son and DIL are working. My son works from home but is in meetings all day and my DIL already had this bug and is better now, but went into work because there are apparently 5 people off with this.
I have told the woman I clean for that I will not be in tomorrow as she is 84 and I don't want to give her this bug.
I have just popped home to do a few things and then back to mind my grandson after lunch. Really just feel like going back to bed lol
I only go to the doctors if I'm dying. I have no faith in pharma and their agents (two long stories)
I am in less head pain today. It seems to be a bug going about. My son now has it along with my grandson, my other grandsons, my other DIL, my mother, my sister and my daughter (who lives a few hundred miles away). And most of us haven't been anywhere near each other the past week or more! All with the same symptoms. A couple of them have had to take a test (have to twice a week) and they don't have covid. We've all had it before anyway (I didn't take a test, but had the same symptoms as they did)
I have spent the morning sitting with my grandson as my son and DIL are working. My son works from home but is in meetings all day and my DIL already had this bug and is better now, but went into work because there are apparently 5 people off with this.
I have told the woman I clean for that I will not be in tomorrow as she is 84 and I don't want to give her this bug.
I have just popped home to do a few things and then back to mind my grandson after lunch. Really just feel like going back to bed lol
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Will do fishkiller, thanks 😀
I feel better than I did yesterday.
Had an actual "vertigo" as in AVRT terms this afternoon. On my way back from sons, I actually thought I really want a drink.
Changed direction to go to the shop and everything.
After a good few dozen steps I stopped dead in the street and thought "my God, a full on Beast attack!!"
IT had grabbed the pronoun "I"
I gathered myself together and thought hmm tricky little Beast!
I never drink now! IT wants a drink!
I turned around and went in the direction of home and before I got there, the thought and urge had passed!
First ever vertigo attack
yikes!
I feel better than I did yesterday.
Had an actual "vertigo" as in AVRT terms this afternoon. On my way back from sons, I actually thought I really want a drink.
Changed direction to go to the shop and everything.
After a good few dozen steps I stopped dead in the street and thought "my God, a full on Beast attack!!"
IT had grabbed the pronoun "I"
I gathered myself together and thought hmm tricky little Beast!
I never drink now! IT wants a drink!
I turned around and went in the direction of home and before I got there, the thought and urge had passed!
First ever vertigo attack
yikes!
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