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Old 09-23-2021, 11:07 PM
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You are right (again lol). I told you before I was an ungrateful sod, this time a few weeks ago when she wouldn't even talk to me on the phone, I would have killed just for that!
She is being generous in even wanting to keep contact.
Sometimes I should just listen to other people. When I was moaning on about her publically annoucing her pregnancy, everyone was saying, why can't you see that it was a nice thing she was trying to do for you?
Funny how I was happy at the time. I spent that whole wedding weekend not drinking while everyone around me was, it was only when I got home my thoughts went darker. I see now that was AV, feeling cheated and excluded from all the drinking.
I can tell AV from "me" emotion because there is a drive behind it. As you say, it will hijack normal emotion. For me it will make it more intense ( usually more angry, dark, defeatist and self pitying). And of course, it always suggests a drink will relieve all of this. Which it would, for IT. Because it gets it's fix and is happy. Meanwhile all of my higher mental functions have gone to crap and I am stumbling about living in the basest of animal instinct.

I hope you and your daughter make it up. I think she will come around one day, she will see what she is missing out on in the "now" you. My daughter has always had strong boundries (for good reason) but I run amock over them when I am drinking and then feel sorry for myself when she enforces them when I am sober. When I am drinking, she just removes herself, instantly.

She is a nice person, obviously she is very forgiving of me (although I expect her to be cool towards me this trip, maybe wary is the right word). But everyone has their limits.

I didn't intend this thread for to be where I come and spill my guts lol but it is proving quite useful for that.
Especially for things like yesterday, with my strop. I can type things out, then look at it and see exactly how badly I am behaving in my thinking! I looked at my post yesterday and could seperate what I felt v what I felt plus AV adding its vitriol in order to get a drink.
Instead of just thinking well Im a hurt she couldn't either time just tell me in private about being pregnant and sex of the baby (I really hate showing emotion in public as well as just wanting a moment alone with her). My AV had to throw in resentment, stroppiness, petulance...this all stems from my beast wanting a drink.
It used to throw me calling my addict self "beast" but all this desire for drink does come from the limbic system..the beast brain/lizard brain.
Anyway it was right on cue as Wednesdays and Thursdays, apart from last week Ive hardly missed drink wise.

Thank you for this Obladi, I should count my blessings and thank you for pointing that out..sometimes I need to be TOLD and I need to listen



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Old 09-24-2021, 10:36 PM
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For the first time since I started quitting, I feel a bit of emotional stability coming over me.
Things went well with my daughter, but as fishkiller said in my other thread, as with his daughter, when he was drinking, there is still this thing where she has been having to deal with the "two" me's. So although we are as right as we can be, for decades now she has always had to have her guard up somewhat.
I have bleated in other posts "she doesn't trust me"..c'mon now, I have hardly been trustworthy have I?
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Old 09-25-2021, 05:51 AM
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Shout out to you Jupiter! Sending hugs!
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Old 09-25-2021, 08:34 AM
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Hello Ladiesadie thanks for the shout out, always appreciated 🙂
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Old 09-25-2021, 08:44 AM
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Absolutely shattered! Was full of beans this morning, haven't done much physically, but had a weird nights sleep last night.
Fell asleep before 9, woke and it was still dark, thought it was about 5am, I sometimes get up then. It was 10.45pm Forced myself back to sleep, woke up again 12.20am. Watched some videos on telegraph until after 1. Sleep again, woke up again, 3.05am. Forced myself back to sleep, woke up again..hurrah! 5am, got up, felt ok, for a bit.
Now it's just after 4.30pm and I feel like sleeping, but not going to bed too early tonight and have that rigmarole again!

I understand this post is very boring. But Im bored, been too sluggish to do much.
I think I'll start eating right tomorrow. I've eaten nothing but crap for days
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Old 09-25-2021, 01:03 PM
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You've just been through a roller-coaster of emotion, luv.
It makes sense you'd be feeling 'blah' (or bored) right now.

If you're still feeling listless in the morning, maybe plan a lovely Do Nothing Day for yourself. You know - laze about in bed reading, watch a few movies, do a crossword or color or knit or whatever... Some days I do that and get thoroughly bored/rested and suddenly have some energy to do one or two things just because I feel like it. Other days, not.

Oh, but before the lovely Do Nothing thing, you absolutely must put clean sheets on the bed and shower/bathe.
Mmmmmmmm the comfort!
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Old 09-26-2021, 01:49 AM
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Hi again O,
Yes, it's been a bit of an emotional wringer week, to say the least. I do feel like a wrug out dish rag lol
I went back to bed this morning. I'm going to my sons for lunch. I know what you mean about clean sheets, especially if I get a chance to dry them outside..lovely. Especially as I live in filth while I am drinking.
Yeah, going to take it easy for the next couple of days. Think I also exerted myself too much physically on Thursday too, can still feel the aches lol
Friday when I met my daughter, is the first time I have gotten myself looking human in ages. I actually put on a favourite dress and make up and did my hair. Usually I just wonder about like a hobo.
Going to make the effort today too with my son, I feel so much better when I take care of my physical appearance. It gives me a little self respect not looking like I have just dragged myself out of the black lagoon.

I have reached the end of my 14 day target thread. Have made my Big Plan, so having targets is not viable anymore. This is the way I am going to live now, as a teetotaller, this is my life from now on, no striving for the next week, or fortnight or month of time.

I'll keep this thread going because it helps to thrash things out here.
But not going to be so much about "recovery" as much as re-learning how to live without drink in my life. I did live a lot of years where drink wasn't a problem and never had been (well, not my drinking, other peoples was sometimes)

Well have to get a shift on and make myself beautiful (seriously lol, haven't got that long to spare, maybe presentable would be more realistic lol).

Have a good day today O x


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Old 09-26-2021, 06:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Jupiter11 View Post
I have reached the end of my 14 day target thread. Have made my Big Plan, so having targets is not viable anymore. This is the way I am going to live now, as a teetotaller, this is my life from now on, no striving for the next week, or fortnight or month of time.
Kudos, I'm all for the big plan when you are ready for it. Recovery is about the future, and plans by definition are made for the future.

Originally Posted by Jupiter11 View Post
I'll keep this thread going because it helps to thrash things out here.
But not going to be so much about "recovery" as much as re-learning how to live without drink in my life.
Learning how to live comes from personal growth. Learning how to live without a drink is part of that and focuses on learning strategies for not drinking, like avoiding risk situations. Keep your eye on not taking that drink ever, and the rest follows. Some of it will come naturally, but sometimes we have to actually make an effort. But like StarTrek's Prime Directive, the Alcoholic's Prime Directive must always be not to take that first drink. After this condition is met, we can begin to sort the rest of it out.
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Old 09-26-2021, 07:03 AM
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I apologize for forgetting in this thread that you had planned dinner with the kids today. I'm glad you're feeling some emotional stability today. That is definitely a sign you are moving in the right direction, eh? I hope it goes/went well.

Other than that, what DriGuy said. Whether you call that learning 'recovery' or 'living life' isn't near as important as what you do.
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Old 09-26-2021, 10:03 AM
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Driguy, and O thanks , I am not going to be reckless. No, it doesn't matter whether I call it recovery or re-learning, boils down to the same thing, living life without falling back on drinking as a coping mechanism or recreational prop (although it's been a long time since it was that)
I understand I can't go back to the way I was before I got hooked on it, I have changed the physical set up of my brain now. But I used to be able to live without it, I can live without it again. Although I understand I will have the additional challenges of cravings both psychological and physical to meet. I never really was a social drinker, so social occasions without drink don't really bother me.
It's more than a decade since I drank in any social setting. Mainly because people would only invite me places if I promised not to drink!

Yes O, I had a lovely time at my sons. Although in his usual style he rang to say he was picking me up early. 3 hours early!!
I'm not sure what his girlfriend made me to eat but it was delicious. Some Bangladeshi dish. Bless her. she said she had made it as mild as she could because I told her I can't take things too spicy hot. Then what did I do? Ate this odd looking thing I found on my plate...eyes streaming, couldn't breath, couldn't feel my tongue.. a pint of milk later, she said that was a really potent chilli, just in for flavouring and you are not meant to eat it lol

All in all, had a really nice day! The feeling is even starting to come back into my tongue!
It was quite a trek getting there though. A million diversions because the councils all decide to dig up all the roads together. And trying to get petrol was a nightmare because of the stupid scare-mongering media exaggerating a petrol shortage so people have been panic buying (it's the toilet roll idiocy they created all over again). Apparently there is ONE supplier that couldn't get their deliveries, the rest are ok. It's the panic buying causing the shortage.

I'm glad my son and I are ok now, we had a falling out at the beginning of the year (yes, my drinking the cause of it).
But we made up soon after. It wasn't because I was nasty or anything with him, he just gets upset at what I was doing to myself.
He even put my favourite film on the TV, The Life of Brian, beyond funny that film is!

I am still going to count days, because I am like a little miser with them, counting and wanting more of them lol
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Old 09-26-2021, 10:14 AM
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I'm glad you had another good day, Jupiter.
You're crushing it.
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Old 09-26-2021, 11:50 AM
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Thanks O

Swings and roundabouts. Some days good, some not so good. But in the grand scheme of things all is good as long as I don't drink and nothing is as bad as when I did
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Old 09-26-2021, 11:58 AM
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Oh forgot to add my daughter (mad a hatter she is) sent me a little phone video of her belly jumping with baby kicks
I'm glad she's a bit of a nutcase though cos I liked seeing it!

I'm off to bed to watch The Life of Brian again on my laptop. Twice in 1 day too much? Live on the wild side, thats what I say 😆
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Old 09-26-2021, 12:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Jupiter11 View Post
I'm off to bed to watch The Life of Brian again on my laptop. Twice in 1 day too much? Live on the wild side, thats what I say 😆
"Always look at the bright side of life -insert whistle"
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Old 09-26-2021, 12:34 PM
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,>>>>🎶whoo whu whu whu whu whu whu whu woo🎶
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Old 09-26-2021, 01:09 PM
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Jupiter, I'm glad that things are good with your son now, too. We do upset our kids with our drinking. I like that you are living a sober life and planning to re-learn how to live without alcohol. I think recovery is an ongoing process of living your best life.
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Old 09-26-2021, 09:19 PM
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Hi AnnaYes, drinking to the point of self destruction is an awful thing to make your kids watch.
My own father did it with me, you'd think I would have known better than do it to my own kids!
And this time I am just thinking, this is my life from now on. Live it without drink, the best way I can. No going back to using drink for anything.
It used to seem like a game, the last gazillion times I have given up drinking. I thought I was fully engaging in recovery. Read books on it, force myself to do things I didn't like, like meditation, do exercise that I didn't enjoy, eat all sorts of "recovery" foods, take on belief systems that I didn't believe in etcBut I never once just thought, I'm just going to get on with my life without ever drinking again.
Haven't explained it very well.

Yes it feels good to not have at least one of my children not speaking to me!
My other sons I see regularly as those are the fathers of my grandkids. But this son and my daughter live in different towns than me, so meeting up is a bit trickier
Thanks for your post Anna
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Old 09-26-2021, 09:59 PM
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I have copied this from my other thread, with a few adjustments. I also included my withdrawals, which I didn't originally because I forgot to.
I want this as an easy to find reminder why "just one drink" isn't a good idea


This time a fortnight ago, I had just finished drinking 5 days around clock. ( a couple of days before this I'd just come off another bender)
A bottle of gin a day. I felt like death. I'd done one of my get to the shop for 8am stints on the Saturday (2 days before) . By 8pm Saturday it was all gone.

I had a horrible anxiety filled night. The shops can't sell till 10am on a Sunday. But I had no money left anyway.
The craving was horrible on Sunday morning, constant, overpowering. I rang everyone I knew to borrow some money. Everyone said no, because I already owed them money.
Eventually, I bummed a tenner from someone.
It wasn't enough for a litre of gin, so I got half a bottle. That was 11am. It was gone by 2pm.
I must have passed out cos I woke at 9pm and started going into withdrawal.
Had no money again, so had to stick it out.
Monday, exactly 2 weeks ago,I was in a horrible state. But had no choice but to stick it out. Then my brother messaged, saying he had just seen my message from day before and had put £20 into my bank that I didn't have to repay.
I should have been happy and ran up the shop to get booze, because I was in a right state and the craving was horrible.
But all of a sudden I thought, " look at the state of you!"
I was like a beggar at everyone's door, no pride whatsoever. Booze ruled me and I was in a right state with it, physically and mentally and financially.
So I thought I would just see out the withdrawals and finish this horror.
But the horror was just beginning.
Shaking, agitated, doom-laden. As it got into late afternoon I began to hear music I knew wasn't there.
Into that never ending night, I began to see things that weren't there too.
My heart was pounding, I was sweating, shaking, grotesque faces were coming out of the dark. I put the light on, thick black hairs were growing out of the walls.
Eventually, it stopped, next day I felt ill, but the worst was over.
Then I came here.

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Old 09-26-2021, 10:07 PM
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Day 15

Got to go into town today to do a few things.
Have data to input
And babysitting my 6 year old grandson tonight.
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Old 09-27-2021, 03:37 AM
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Not long back from town. Walked a mile there and a mile back in the pouring rain because I begrudge spending £4 on a bus ticket lol
I actually enjoy walking (although not so much in a downpour). I am sooo unfit!
I am going to add daily walking to my "things I enjoy" list.
I am going to add "eating healthy things and not rubbish" to my do tomorrow list
I do have qualifications in nutrition field, it's just getting into the swing of things again.
Not only do I have an AV that serves my desire to drink (my beast)
I think I am actually the AV to my "higher" health freak self (yes, I do have a health freak self, swing from one extreme to another I do)
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