Emotional
 

Day 5
Emotional today and it's only just past 7.30am
Snivelling while I cooked my bacon sandwich, for no reason, would have an excuse if I burnt it, or dropped my bread butter side down on the floor, but I didn't.
Now snivelling writing this.
Snot and tears before 8am is just not on.
I just feel like I could cry forever and it still wouldn't be enough

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hi Jupiter11....here's a big hug in solidarity for you > (O). I have been through the same.. 5 days is amazing progress, please keep going and no matter what keep yourself as comfortable as possible.. I think it's good to cry it all out, definitely better out. The transitional phase is really tough - do anything to make it slightly easier (tv, music, rest, walk, posting). Well done for reaching out. I never used to do this but it's so important in recovery I believe. Let's do this, together, a day at a time.

Aw thanks for the hug, U4S cos I'm all soggy and pathetic 🙁
Yes, sounds good doing it together.

I'll try to drag my carcass out for a walk later, see if it will tire me out, cos I've gone all weird and hyper. Didn't have one single bit of sleep last night, not one.
There's no way I would drink again. Seeing the mess that my brain and emotions are in brings it home what a vile neurotoxin alcohol is.
But hey, you can buy it at your nearest shop, without prescription and it's legal, not just legal, so ingrained in our society that looked upon as normal and fun to use it.
And I don't know ANYONE who sticks to the 1to 2 units at a time "safe" dosage.
As long as big corporations rake in their billions in profits and government gets their cut, hey yeah, it's ok to tout this addictive poison as acceptable. Sorry rant over. Just hate the world atm.

Anyway thanks for the support, a hug right back at you! You are doing well, you sound determined and strong, we'll beat this 🙂

absolutely, that's how it is! Enjoy your walk.

I do understand and I am sending you big hugs. You will get through this. Expect to feel all sorts of feelings initially. That is just the ride we all take. I assure you that you will level off and you will feel better. I was not in the best shape when I quit. I stayed in my bed for a few days and didn't talk to anyone for about a week. Eventually the clouds started to leave and I felt hopeful and positive.

You made breakfast. You are going to go for a walk. Already taking positive steps for the day. That is such a gift!

The good news is you didn't drink, so your ability to reason still trumps your emotions. And it always will unless you throw in the towel. Don't quit before the benefits come, because they will, just not all at once. Reason, patience, and choice are all head and shoulders above, "Wah, wah, poor me." Which image of yourself do you want?

We just need to be gentle with ourselves in the beginning. Its a rollercoaster. Emotions come and go and its good that you are expressing your emotions. I encourage you to keep expressing yourself and soon enough you will find yourself on more level ground. Its a ride for sure. A ride that is worthy of our time and worth the work it requires to get there. Every single one of us was in your spot and we are not immune to the ups and downs. We all have today!

Suffer what there is to suffer, enjoy what there is to enjoy. Regard both suffering and joy as facts of life - Nichiren

Hi Mizz and Driguy. Thanks Mizz 🫀
There's no way I would throw in the towel. I'll never drink again. Owing to brain plasticity and what I've done to it with alcohol I probably will crave it again, but I won't put that horrible sh1t in my system again.
I don't feel sorry for myself, don't even know why I was blubbering lol. I feel happy for myself, because this motivation to kick it once and for all has come out of nowhere. Well, that's a lie, it's come from the darkest place I have ever been to that lasted all this past month! But I'm hanging onto this gift for dear life!

Yes, dragged myself around the park this morning and actually managed to have a nap when I got back.
And feel much better for having started to eat properly yesterday and today.

The next days are going to be hard. Owing to the fact I borrowed most of my wages, I don't have a penny. So can't afford anymore cigarettes and smoked my last. I won't borrow more money as I need to get out of the hole I have put myself in, so I have no choice but to give up the smokes too. Although I don't want to.
I have no money for snacks and treats either. I have only healthy food in.
It's not the way I would choose to do things, but it's the only choice I have 😦
Thanks for posting guys as does S4U you always bring encouragement and sense 🙂

PS Don't even have anymore bacon left, that was the last of it. Maybe that's why I was crying cooking it??? Subconscious kicking in lol

Hugs Jupiter. You can do hard things.

Aww thank you Free 🤍
I hope I can do hard things I'm like a bonafide lunatic when I don't have smokes!

haha. Brilliant. Love your attitude and perspective right now. GO YOU!!!

😁 Glad you said "right now" cos who knows where it will be in 10 minutes time 😆
Ooo and sorry got your initials mixed up in last post!
I'm taking the stance of being an observer of myself. Like just seeing what is going to go on next in my effed up head. Lol

Jupiter, early recovery is a roller-coaster ride, as you are experiencing. Allow yourself to feel all the stuff and have faith that you will be able to get through it.

I'm sorry about your money issues, but I'm sure that as you recover, you will work things out financially. And, you never need to go through this again.

Thanks Anna, you are telling me it's a roller coaster! I'm trying to pass through the feelings but not get bogged down in anything.
Trying to keep my eye on the destination (a sober life) and I have to pass through what I need to pass through to reach it.

My money situation is my own doing. Borrowing from people for drink when my own money ran out.
Then having to pay them back, having less to live on, but still buying drink and borrowing more. Until I find myself here. Owing out practically all of my wages. But if I don't borrow anything this week I should be ok next pay

Jupiter, I went through that emotional stage and was a complete train wreck around that 5 to 10 day period also. Feelings that had been suppressed for so long were starting to come back on line. The guilt and thoughts of what could have been reaching a sort of climax. An overwhelming feeling of letting go of the things that had been priorities for so long, like avoiding DUIs and worry over who knew I had an issue with my drinking. I don't think anyone has a real chance at sobriety until they go through that stage.

God, cityboy I hope all this emotional- ness doesn't go on for 5 more days 😦 lolI agree with you that it's probably emotion that has been suppressed and numbed for a long while.
I'm trying to stay away from the guilt thing. I would say the number one reason (excuse?) I used to drink was my obsessive thoughts which were always guilt about the past.
I drank to escape my head.
This time, just for now, until I get into a position where I can even out in my emotions, I am putting those obsessive thoughts down to the AV.
Thanks for sharing your experience cityboy, it's always good to know someone went through the same and came out the other side.

Well going to hit the sack on this very long day 5. I'm wrecked because I didn't sleep at all last night and only had a 30min nap today.
I am babysitting one of my grandsons. We have just played Roald Dahl monopoly for 3 hours!
He had wonka factories all over the board and beat my arse.
There's nothing worse than than a gloating 6 year old 😐.
As he is in bed now, I'm off to mine

Jupiter, I'm guessing there isn't one person here who has not felt a lot of what you are feeling now. I cried almost nonstop for about a week when I quit. I had a LOT to cry about just then, but I mean, I could not stop, and every little thing would set me off. Then I went though a stage when I was really irritable and angry for a while. Then I'd have these moments of being giddy with happiness. I had such a hard time regulating my emotions. Your brain is healing. There's a lot of science that can help explain exactly what's happening up there! Your dopamine receptors are all messed up, and it can take a bit of time for things to settle down so that you have normal dopamine activity again. There are a lot of articles out there that can help explain this.

Hang in there, it will get better.

I love a good snot bubble cry.

Over the years, I've had a number of oral surgeries that required local anesthetic - you know, the kind where you're awake but your face is numbed. Some of these were for tooth extraction - they'd gotten beyond repair and were causing immense pain. The strangest thing happened after each of these procedures. As I was arriving home again, tears just started streaming down my face. I wasn't sad at all, I was just crying. I tried to research this phenomenon but couldn't find anything to support my theory: I think that letting go of that pain was such a relief to my system that the tears were a release. And also, to tie this (further) into what's happening with you, I think the anesthetic wearing off had a play in the thing too. Alcohol is an anesthetic as well - it might make sense that some of our bodies react to the absence of that drug by causing us to weep.

Also, getting no sleep causes me to get kind of crazy and then crash. So that's probably part of it too. I hope you rest well and deeply tonight.

It gets better, but it is like a crazy line graph sometimes - way up then way down then flat. But you'll always be on the upward trend as long as you stay sober and work through your "stuff" with as much integrity as you can muster. At least that's how it's been for me. :hug: