I've sold my shoes
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Hope you are in one piece Tap. Drinking is miserable. An awful way to live. Thinking about you today all day and wishing you well. You have so much to give to others. Your wit, your intellect, your ability to communicate. All wasted if you use those talents only to be surly while you are hammered.
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Thanks very much Surrendered19. As before, I'm not worthy; don't recognise myself from the description - you've made me blush with my face like a big, red tomato (I had to google tomato as I wasn't sure of the George W Bush extra E). I've read your comments on other threads here and your genuine concern for people really comes through. You're the one with intelligence and understanding and a real generosity and kindness. You see from outside yourself, can make an impartial assesment of the situation. Maybe when describing this wit and intelligence of mine (no, still can't see it) I've got an idea you might think I'm a loser with a delusion that I think I'm someone special, and that with praise I'll turn around my negative view of myself and be able to build on that - or have I thought too tactically?
Thanks for your concern. I appreciate it.
Though surely not surly.
So, I've had a couple of days without drinking and have been doing fine but I do see some problems on the horizon as Leicester has had another lockdown due to this magnified Covid thing. I was supposed to be visiting someone in that Midlands paradise tomorrow but the place has all been closed down again because of some titchy upturn in their figures. So to prevent the end of the world the government have ordered everything closed down and only essential travel there. I don't want to go all that way and be turned back at the station by the eager beaver police having an easy day revelling in their power - there are actual, real life criminals who might give them a difficult day's work. This is a friendless friend who's an interesting guy who I knew years ago in London who I was looking forwrard to seeing.
Now I've got absolutely nothing to do. Long hours are waiting like empty metaphors I can't think of. That's the problem, and I can see myself drinking later as the day wears on.
Other than that there's not much to report. I hope you're all okay. I really appreciate your support - Obladi, Surrendered,Tatsy, Lixie and everyone. If I say all the names I leave someone obvious off and they hate me forever - lessgravity, kenton and Be A Better Man and Hevyn and, and, oh my God, everyone and of course Dee who like the others grows increasingly weary of me.
I am an empty man.
Thanks for your concern. I appreciate it.
Though surely not surly.
So, I've had a couple of days without drinking and have been doing fine but I do see some problems on the horizon as Leicester has had another lockdown due to this magnified Covid thing. I was supposed to be visiting someone in that Midlands paradise tomorrow but the place has all been closed down again because of some titchy upturn in their figures. So to prevent the end of the world the government have ordered everything closed down and only essential travel there. I don't want to go all that way and be turned back at the station by the eager beaver police having an easy day revelling in their power - there are actual, real life criminals who might give them a difficult day's work. This is a friendless friend who's an interesting guy who I knew years ago in London who I was looking forwrard to seeing.
Now I've got absolutely nothing to do. Long hours are waiting like empty metaphors I can't think of. That's the problem, and I can see myself drinking later as the day wears on.
Other than that there's not much to report. I hope you're all okay. I really appreciate your support - Obladi, Surrendered,Tatsy, Lixie and everyone. If I say all the names I leave someone obvious off and they hate me forever - lessgravity, kenton and Be A Better Man and Hevyn and, and, oh my God, everyone and of course Dee who like the others grows increasingly weary of me.
I am an empty man.
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I disagree entirely with you on the COVID thing but nah, I'm not weary of you Tap 
I hope you decide to do something else but drink tho. I though you owe it to yourself to explore the road not yet travelled,
D
I hope you decide to do something else but drink tho. I though you owe it to yourself to explore the road not yet travelled,
D
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I think the problem is it's got to be done now. I don't like analysis. If you can't see it in front of you you're chasing your own tail.
I mean if I can't see it in front of me.......etc
As for Corona virus, if it mutates would it be a Covid's Metamorphosis?
I mean if I can't see it in front of me.......etc
As for Corona virus, if it mutates would it be a Covid's Metamorphosis?
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Leicester being under lockdown due to Covid has got to be the weakest justification for drinking. That's the way a mind with a craving works.
No, I'm fine now. Luckily though, because I was putting on my shoes before I thought about it.
No, I'm fine now. Luckily though, because I was putting on my shoes before I thought about it.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
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tap, at the risk of being inane by stating the obnoxiously obvious, there are literally hundreds of things you could do instead of drink. I suggest you start doing some of those, no matter that you don't "want to." When I started at this, I didn't want to do one single thing because all my beast wanted was to drink. COVID and stay away orders are just more excuses. I mean, they are reasons too, for sure. But what isn't a reason to drink when you're like us?
Not that I'm all holier than thou, my friend, but i gotta say that I'm finding endless things to keep me occupied in early sobriety. You have those things available to you too. Things like:
- Clean the house, one room or one corner at a time
- Sort out the junk drawer
- Go to some online meetings; there are loads of these all of the world which makes for no excuse to not attend
- Read recovery stuff; the first 164 pages of the Alcoholics Anonymous book, Rational Recovery; a New Cure, Alan Carr's Easy Way, recovery stories right here on SR, Hip Sobriety (online blog), Mr Sponsorpants (also online blog), learn about different medical modalities of addiction treatment
- Play solitaire
- Go for a walk
- Change your sheets!
- Paint something. New coat of paint, or a mural, or your toenails
- Meditate
- Cook some decent food and package it up for future consumption
- Write!
At least start making a list of the hundreds of things you could do. That would at least be entertaining. Personally, I think reading and writing introspectively mixed with some activities to nurture your physical self and set your environment aright would be most helpful. But that's because I don't really know you and can only go on my stripedy affinity for you.
O
Not that I'm all holier than thou, my friend, but i gotta say that I'm finding endless things to keep me occupied in early sobriety. You have those things available to you too. Things like:
- Clean the house, one room or one corner at a time
- Sort out the junk drawer
- Go to some online meetings; there are loads of these all of the world which makes for no excuse to not attend
- Read recovery stuff; the first 164 pages of the Alcoholics Anonymous book, Rational Recovery; a New Cure, Alan Carr's Easy Way, recovery stories right here on SR, Hip Sobriety (online blog), Mr Sponsorpants (also online blog), learn about different medical modalities of addiction treatment
- Play solitaire
- Go for a walk
- Change your sheets!
- Paint something. New coat of paint, or a mural, or your toenails
- Meditate
- Cook some decent food and package it up for future consumption
- Write!
At least start making a list of the hundreds of things you could do. That would at least be entertaining. Personally, I think reading and writing introspectively mixed with some activities to nurture your physical self and set your environment aright would be most helpful. But that's because I don't really know you and can only go on my stripedy affinity for you.
O
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Honestly Tap, this sobriety thing, longevity-wise, is empowering. I was plain-sailing at two and a half years, literally, barely any AV that I couldn't simply swipe off, like an annoying green/blue bottle fly. Then I was blind-sided by tumultuous outside events, and I drank, because I listened to the liar AV.
Anyway....lost track of the point of my post, I guess it was to say, that I'm back in full-swing sobriety mode. And it's so much easier than drinking, and I feel whole-ish. The missing bit? I work on gratitude, because my inner chatter-box is so full of doom, gloom, lack, injustice and resentment. So I tell it to f-off...if it sounds like an AV, it's because it plays the same inner soundtrack tricks.
So, I'm grateful for air to breathe, water to drink, a roof over my head, a bed to lie on, food to eat. And believe me, I find adopting a Pollyanna attitude hard, but it works, and my mood lightens, and the AV lessens....
Anyway....lost track of the point of my post, I guess it was to say, that I'm back in full-swing sobriety mode. And it's so much easier than drinking, and I feel whole-ish. The missing bit? I work on gratitude, because my inner chatter-box is so full of doom, gloom, lack, injustice and resentment. So I tell it to f-off...if it sounds like an AV, it's because it plays the same inner soundtrack tricks.
So, I'm grateful for air to breathe, water to drink, a roof over my head, a bed to lie on, food to eat. And believe me, I find adopting a Pollyanna attitude hard, but it works, and my mood lightens, and the AV lessens....
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Thanks Obladi. I'm incredibly lazy. I never want to do anything much really except sit and think. I don't mean to make an effort and think useful, productive things but just to watch my mind work. There's something there. I really want to see how it's all constructed, and sometimes I think I can. But to explain in words is just to remain in words. Sometimes all words, the thoughts go away and there's just an awareness. Maybe it's to do with the epilepsy. I know that when I come round after a seizure there's been a complete absence of me. But this has also happened by itself increasingly lately. When it does there's clarity.
That's how I'm feeling right now.
I can remember once in my teens - when it all went wrong - when I looked at what I was and what I should be and had this blinding epiphany that if only I concentrated my thoughts with real effort and intensity I could work everything out. I stayed doing this for the rest of my life, until recently. This was the stupidest thing I've ever done. It's what sent me off in a different direction as up until then I was a normal kid. Afterwards I became super self-conscious and introspective. I would always be comparing and judging and was unbelievably selfish, completely self obsessed. I would have this image of what I should be and would hate myself for how I fell far short of it. The problem was that it was a trick I played on myself. The reality was one I created. I was self loathingly suicidal but had no courage to kill myself.
This put me at the centre of unreal world in parallel with the real one with everyone and everything else in it just something that only existed as something in relation to me. I'm not the only person like that. We're all like that to varying degrees, but I was so far in there.
Of course all I was doing was deluding myself and creating illusions which I fooled myself were real and pursuing them. I thought I was considering everything objectively but really I was only following my own imaginary beliefs. What I've come to see - and I mean to see, not to think, for thinking is just digging myself deeper and deeper - is that the self, the me, is really a thought just like all thought and to follow it is just to chase yourself in circles. Thought is thought. It doesn't matter what you're thinking about, it's only thought and unless it's practical it has the same value as any other. You could think about God or about football or about Dolly Parton and it has the same value. It's just thought. I realise that now.
And lately the effort has stopped and there are spaces there. Of course the habits of a lifetime won't just come to a sudden stop. But there's no effort made by me. Sometimes I have these periods of clarity. But the problem is that if I were to pursue them I would be stopping them. The maker of effort is the one who destroys it. I, the centre, is my problem.
I'm not chasing myself around all the time. Maybe I was like everyone really but I reacted in a strange way to what's normal which made me unusual. Or maybe I was a freak. But whatever, now I feel different. I don't think I have to be this or that. I don't have to wonder why
I'm better around people now. I don't try to put myself across. I don't care so much what they think about me. I care less and I find I seem to have more people who want to be around me. That's not difficult though.
Obladi, you said I shouldn't erase my posts and I haven't.
So it's strange that I've an alcohol thing going on but I think I'm sort of on top of it, really. It's a lifetime thing and it really is winding down.
An interesting thing about my first post above. I used the Covid thing as an excuse as to why I should drink, and that is ridiculous. But it's an even wierder subconscious logic. The reason I was going all that way to meet my friend was to find an excuse to drink. This is someone I haven't seen for ages - back in my London days - and knew only in a group and never without drinking. Why would I be going all that way to hang around with him if it wasn't to drink?
He served his purpose and legitimised drink. The reasoning was very tortuous. I didn't want to go though and looked for an excuse to cancel because I'd got what I wanted, which was to drink. And consciously I didn't realise.
Oh it's cunning.
Sorry I haven't properly replied to what you've said but I've got to go for a blood test.
That's how I'm feeling right now.
I can remember once in my teens - when it all went wrong - when I looked at what I was and what I should be and had this blinding epiphany that if only I concentrated my thoughts with real effort and intensity I could work everything out. I stayed doing this for the rest of my life, until recently. This was the stupidest thing I've ever done. It's what sent me off in a different direction as up until then I was a normal kid. Afterwards I became super self-conscious and introspective. I would always be comparing and judging and was unbelievably selfish, completely self obsessed. I would have this image of what I should be and would hate myself for how I fell far short of it. The problem was that it was a trick I played on myself. The reality was one I created. I was self loathingly suicidal but had no courage to kill myself.
This put me at the centre of unreal world in parallel with the real one with everyone and everything else in it just something that only existed as something in relation to me. I'm not the only person like that. We're all like that to varying degrees, but I was so far in there.
Of course all I was doing was deluding myself and creating illusions which I fooled myself were real and pursuing them. I thought I was considering everything objectively but really I was only following my own imaginary beliefs. What I've come to see - and I mean to see, not to think, for thinking is just digging myself deeper and deeper - is that the self, the me, is really a thought just like all thought and to follow it is just to chase yourself in circles. Thought is thought. It doesn't matter what you're thinking about, it's only thought and unless it's practical it has the same value as any other. You could think about God or about football or about Dolly Parton and it has the same value. It's just thought. I realise that now.
And lately the effort has stopped and there are spaces there. Of course the habits of a lifetime won't just come to a sudden stop. But there's no effort made by me. Sometimes I have these periods of clarity. But the problem is that if I were to pursue them I would be stopping them. The maker of effort is the one who destroys it. I, the centre, is my problem.
I'm not chasing myself around all the time. Maybe I was like everyone really but I reacted in a strange way to what's normal which made me unusual. Or maybe I was a freak. But whatever, now I feel different. I don't think I have to be this or that. I don't have to wonder why
I'm better around people now. I don't try to put myself across. I don't care so much what they think about me. I care less and I find I seem to have more people who want to be around me. That's not difficult though.
Obladi, you said I shouldn't erase my posts and I haven't.
So it's strange that I've an alcohol thing going on but I think I'm sort of on top of it, really. It's a lifetime thing and it really is winding down.
An interesting thing about my first post above. I used the Covid thing as an excuse as to why I should drink, and that is ridiculous. But it's an even wierder subconscious logic. The reason I was going all that way to meet my friend was to find an excuse to drink. This is someone I haven't seen for ages - back in my London days - and knew only in a group and never without drinking. Why would I be going all that way to hang around with him if it wasn't to drink?
He served his purpose and legitimised drink. The reasoning was very tortuous. I didn't want to go though and looked for an excuse to cancel because I'd got what I wanted, which was to drink. And consciously I didn't realise.
Oh it's cunning.
Sorry I haven't properly replied to what you've said but I've got to go for a blood test.
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Hi, I've had an epileptic seizure since that last post. I don't even know what it means when trying to understand it. I'll just lie around this evening. I dare say it's clear, but not to me. I'll come back later.
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Aft
Hi, I should explain that I came home and had a seizure. I got in and was going to eat something but knew a fit was coming and then woke up on the kitchen floor, but I'm not hurt so I must have laid down first. I knew I'd posted something here but I don't think it was the big post above which is confusing me. After I've had a seizure I'm usually confused, that's not unusual. I'll be fine after I've had a sleep. I'm glad I didn't drink and that I'm not doing anything tomorrow.
I was going to come on here and explain everything but it doesn't make any more sense. I
To add - I meant to say that the big post above where I talk about having some kind of knowledge or awareness is something that maybe happens before a fit is coming. When I get some kind of idea that I can think clearly is maybe something that's taught me that I should be wary and take it easy.
Anyway, best wishes all.
Everytime I look at this post it seems even more confusing and I add on more things. I meant that if I were saying how I thought differently, as if I'd worked something out in that big post above, is really just a sign that I'm about to hit the floor later on.
I was going to come on here and explain everything but it doesn't make any more sense. I
To add - I meant to say that the big post above where I talk about having some kind of knowledge or awareness is something that maybe happens before a fit is coming. When I get some kind of idea that I can think clearly is maybe something that's taught me that I should be wary and take it easy.
Anyway, best wishes all.
Everytime I look at this post it seems even more confusing and I add on more things. I meant that if I were saying how I thought differently, as if I'd worked something out in that big post above, is really just a sign that I'm about to hit the floor later on.
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I'm relieved you're OK, Tap. Your 'big post' above, seems full of self-insight, very real, the real 'you', perhaps, and not the 'defences'. I don't know, I'm still unravelling myself, but I do know, that NOT drinking forms no part of, and is not dependant upon inner or outer issues: because I don't drink, no matter what, and so be it.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Man, tap. That sounds horrible. I can only hope that stopping drinking will help to resolve or at least lessen the seizures. Drinking certainly can't be doing you any favors in that arena.
Thanks for posting and not deleting. You invited us to tell you what you were saying, so here's what I read:
- You're lazy. Well, yeah I figured. Me too. Inertia begets inertia. The only way to fix that is to DO things.
- Somehow you got the notion if you could figure "it" all out, you could control "it" or fix "it." Makes sense to me, and I still believe it to be true, for me. The thing is, though, that you absolutely cannot figure it out, anything out, if you've got alcohol brain. On my way in to rehab, they asked me what had happened to cause me to drink again. I said, "I don't know, but I'll figure it out when I'm sober." It took at least a few days, maybe even a week before I did figure it out. However... I spent years drinking and not drinking and trying to figure out why I was drinking. It took a lot of therapy and a lot of introspection and a lot of on/off drinking cycles to finally get to the place where I understood. And now I think what a dumb thing it was to drink. But I didn't know what else to do; it came to a point where I literally felt that I had no choice, so "dumb" wasn't really part of the equation at all. You can figure "it" out, tap. But you have to be willing to really stick with it and learn to identify the discomfort, then follow it through to it's origin so you can excise or at least neutralize it. At least that's how it worked for me. Other people apparently put their stubborn feet down and just friggin stop. That's amazing to me.
- You've come to the conclusion that this idea of "self" is a construct. I agree with you on this point as well. But it's weird because we are something unique, each one of us. So what is that thing? I don't know, maybe it's what some religious or spiritual people call the soul.
- You are reassuring yourself that the alcohol thing is in its waning days with you. And in the next breath you're acknowledging that your addiction likes to help you plan trips with the sneaky motivation of a promised drink. It's like you almost don't even know it. I get that. It's not waning, it's just waiting. It won't just passively go away on it's own - it has to be forced off the table.
So in sum, it seems you feel quite alien to everyone else, and guess what? I get that too! I think a lot of us do. Not sure if I told this to you yet, but there was a moment while I was in rehab that I was crushed by the realization that I didn't even fit in there. They sent me to the psychologist to talk it over, this disruption I was causing by being myself. And all I was doing was talking about how i felt - that, plus not allowing other people to instruct me on how I "should" see things.
But you know what? I'm fine. I'm different from most other people, but I'm not a "wrong" human being. I feel the same is true for you. Now the real trick is to believe that. I do (now) so I think you can get there too.
Thank you so much, tap. You made me feel less alone by not deleting. I hope maybe it has the same impact on you.
O
Thanks for posting and not deleting. You invited us to tell you what you were saying, so here's what I read:
- You're lazy. Well, yeah I figured. Me too. Inertia begets inertia. The only way to fix that is to DO things.
- Somehow you got the notion if you could figure "it" all out, you could control "it" or fix "it." Makes sense to me, and I still believe it to be true, for me. The thing is, though, that you absolutely cannot figure it out, anything out, if you've got alcohol brain. On my way in to rehab, they asked me what had happened to cause me to drink again. I said, "I don't know, but I'll figure it out when I'm sober." It took at least a few days, maybe even a week before I did figure it out. However... I spent years drinking and not drinking and trying to figure out why I was drinking. It took a lot of therapy and a lot of introspection and a lot of on/off drinking cycles to finally get to the place where I understood. And now I think what a dumb thing it was to drink. But I didn't know what else to do; it came to a point where I literally felt that I had no choice, so "dumb" wasn't really part of the equation at all. You can figure "it" out, tap. But you have to be willing to really stick with it and learn to identify the discomfort, then follow it through to it's origin so you can excise or at least neutralize it. At least that's how it worked for me. Other people apparently put their stubborn feet down and just friggin stop. That's amazing to me.
- You've come to the conclusion that this idea of "self" is a construct. I agree with you on this point as well. But it's weird because we are something unique, each one of us. So what is that thing? I don't know, maybe it's what some religious or spiritual people call the soul.
- You are reassuring yourself that the alcohol thing is in its waning days with you. And in the next breath you're acknowledging that your addiction likes to help you plan trips with the sneaky motivation of a promised drink. It's like you almost don't even know it. I get that. It's not waning, it's just waiting. It won't just passively go away on it's own - it has to be forced off the table.
So in sum, it seems you feel quite alien to everyone else, and guess what? I get that too! I think a lot of us do. Not sure if I told this to you yet, but there was a moment while I was in rehab that I was crushed by the realization that I didn't even fit in there. They sent me to the psychologist to talk it over, this disruption I was causing by being myself. And all I was doing was talking about how i felt - that, plus not allowing other people to instruct me on how I "should" see things.
But you know what? I'm fine. I'm different from most other people, but I'm not a "wrong" human being. I feel the same is true for you. Now the real trick is to believe that. I do (now) so I think you can get there too.
Thank you so much, tap. You made me feel less alone by not deleting. I hope maybe it has the same impact on you.
O
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Thanks Tatsy. I was thinking that what you say is true that I'm defending myself is clear. I wondering about the structure of my mind. I think that maybe it's the epilepsy that can give me some sort of space at times. I don't get about your not drinking not dependant on inner or outer workers. What do you mean by that? Is it that you're not drinking despite any influences? I know that in my sober periods I have a "I've finished forever" mentality. There's no "I will try" but just that I'm never doing it, no matter what.
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A couple of AVRT resources I think might trip your trigger - and can keep your brain working for quite some time!
The AVRT crash course: https://rational.org/index.php?id=155
A long long SR discussion about AVRT begins here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...iscussion.html (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique (AVRT) Discussion)
The AVRT crash course: https://rational.org/index.php?id=155
A long long SR discussion about AVRT begins here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...iscussion.html (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique (AVRT) Discussion)
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Sorry Tap, I was sending posts to MaximusD at the same time, and copying something for him, and I don't quite know why, but I typed 'workers' to you; (which didn't make sense) instead of 'issues', and have since corrected it.
And on reflection, I think the 'workers' could be apt, in that the alcohol seeking part of my brain is just 'autonomous' what I've taught it, habitual (sad, happy, stressed, lonely, bored, stressed - drink!) like a 'worker' drone bee on auto-pilot! I hope you're feeling well now, Tap.
And on reflection, I think the 'workers' could be apt, in that the alcohol seeking part of my brain is just 'autonomous' what I've taught it, habitual (sad, happy, stressed, lonely, bored, stressed - drink!) like a 'worker' drone bee on auto-pilot! I hope you're feeling well now, Tap.
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Sorry Obladi, I didn't see your post. It seems complicated at the moment, you've said a lot, but I'll look back fully at it later. Because I've had this I can't remember what you've said and have to scroll down and by the time I've come back up I've forgotten what I want to say.
I know that I don't like the idea of therapy and analysi. I know I think i'm just reacting to my thoughts and keeping it all going. I do think that my problem until recently was too much introspection. While I feel differently lately is that the introspection has fallen away. I don't know if I have an alcohol brain. I just have habits and sometimes fall into them. It's like I go on the internet and look around aimless a lot. I really am drinking less lately say over the last year most of it has been sober which is why I've not been on here so much. I only come on here when I'm dirnking.
I don't want to make more effort as in introspection and analysis. I think I'll just be chasing myself about I think. I find that as I'm making less effort that things are getting clearer. When I make an effort I'm tangling myself up more. That's what I think and I know I might not be expressing myself too well right now because my mind has been through a shake up pummeling so this is not me at my best.
I've had another look down at your post and say that I do think that the self is a construct. I really do. You do too. Are we different though? Not at the core I don't think. I know that I strenghthened that when I was young which caused me all my problems and I've seen to revererse it over the last year.
You're right that I know that there is sneaky subconscious thing at work like with me going all that way to see someone yet deep down knowing that I was going to cancel it after I'd given myself permission. That's craftier than I would have thought. It's like wisdom that comes from a dream where it seems cleverer than yourself. Where did all that come from? I think though that if I force it off the table I'm just keeping my mind as it is when I want to lessen it
I do feel alien you're right and I always envied people who were social. But now I don't at all, and that's only really happened recently. But it's only lately that the change is that I've understood that there's nothing to do about feeling different. It's not that it's okay and a good thing as it's much better to have everyone like you but I reckon that thinking it's changeable is a waste of time. What I should do is just accept the reality of who I am whether I might think or everyone might think it's good or bad.
Obladi this is really taking an effort to write this. It's not set in stone as my beliefs. I'm not generally right until I've had a long sleep after a fit. I will read your post again tomorrow. I didn't understand the thing about the disruption you felt and how your talking, well scrolling down and remembering long sentences is an effort.
I don't agree though that I need to learn that it's okay to be different but just to accept it as a fact as I think that it doen't matter whether it's okay or not.
It's just that there are lifelong habits that won't just disappear.
No, it's nice to know you Obladi and I'm sorry if I might not be clear and saying something I wouldn't even think if i was a bit more rational. So don't take this as my full beliefs.
I've had a lot of fits lately. I don't want to change my medication though as other stuff makes me a different person and I think everyone wants to hang onto themselves - which counters our idea about the self being a construct. But no, no, no isn't that the illusion.
I'm going to stop this.
Thanks Obladi and apologies if I've said something that I don't understand or believe myself. Usually the next day, just like being drunk, my memory isn't too good.
Speak soon I hope.
I won't even read it back.
I just did read it back after posting. Oh my God.
I know that I don't like the idea of therapy and analysi. I know I think i'm just reacting to my thoughts and keeping it all going. I do think that my problem until recently was too much introspection. While I feel differently lately is that the introspection has fallen away. I don't know if I have an alcohol brain. I just have habits and sometimes fall into them. It's like I go on the internet and look around aimless a lot. I really am drinking less lately say over the last year most of it has been sober which is why I've not been on here so much. I only come on here when I'm dirnking.
I don't want to make more effort as in introspection and analysis. I think I'll just be chasing myself about I think. I find that as I'm making less effort that things are getting clearer. When I make an effort I'm tangling myself up more. That's what I think and I know I might not be expressing myself too well right now because my mind has been through a shake up pummeling so this is not me at my best.
I've had another look down at your post and say that I do think that the self is a construct. I really do. You do too. Are we different though? Not at the core I don't think. I know that I strenghthened that when I was young which caused me all my problems and I've seen to revererse it over the last year.
You're right that I know that there is sneaky subconscious thing at work like with me going all that way to see someone yet deep down knowing that I was going to cancel it after I'd given myself permission. That's craftier than I would have thought. It's like wisdom that comes from a dream where it seems cleverer than yourself. Where did all that come from? I think though that if I force it off the table I'm just keeping my mind as it is when I want to lessen it
I do feel alien you're right and I always envied people who were social. But now I don't at all, and that's only really happened recently. But it's only lately that the change is that I've understood that there's nothing to do about feeling different. It's not that it's okay and a good thing as it's much better to have everyone like you but I reckon that thinking it's changeable is a waste of time. What I should do is just accept the reality of who I am whether I might think or everyone might think it's good or bad.
Obladi this is really taking an effort to write this. It's not set in stone as my beliefs. I'm not generally right until I've had a long sleep after a fit. I will read your post again tomorrow. I didn't understand the thing about the disruption you felt and how your talking, well scrolling down and remembering long sentences is an effort.
I don't agree though that I need to learn that it's okay to be different but just to accept it as a fact as I think that it doen't matter whether it's okay or not.
It's just that there are lifelong habits that won't just disappear.
No, it's nice to know you Obladi and I'm sorry if I might not be clear and saying something I wouldn't even think if i was a bit more rational. So don't take this as my full beliefs.
I've had a lot of fits lately. I don't want to change my medication though as other stuff makes me a different person and I think everyone wants to hang onto themselves - which counters our idea about the self being a construct. But no, no, no isn't that the illusion.
I'm going to stop this.
Thanks Obladi and apologies if I've said something that I don't understand or believe myself. Usually the next day, just like being drunk, my memory isn't too good.
Speak soon I hope.
I won't even read it back.
I just did read it back after posting. Oh my God.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 748
Thanks Tatsy. You're clever and write compactly and so I have to have my normal brain functioning to understand. I'm okay thanks Just have some sleep soon. There's a mountain of washing up but I'll leave it until tomorrow.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
tap, I think you've convinced yourself (or let someone convince you) that you are incomprehensible. I understand you perfectly well. Let's do pick this conversation up again tomorrow after you've had some sleep.
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